Kingdom Hearts III
by Cat-Tuxedo
Summary: Sora and others are invited to a dinner party held by The King Mickey. An adventure ensues when The King Mickey lures the Gaang into a trap...
1. Episode 1: The Nightmare Begins

On Destiny Island, Sora and Riku are meeting at the paopu tree overlooking the briny blue. "Gee! It sure is boring around here," Sora proclaims, stretching his arms over his head and rolling his eyes in boredom.  
Riku responds: "Sora, this peace is what all true warriors strive for. Of course it's boring."  
"I just wonder what The King is up to."  
"Eh, probably just the usual politician stuff, like wanton seizing of property, mass arrests, invading other worlds. The usual."  
"Oh, okay."  
Hoping to find another conversation topic, Sora speaks up. "Hey, Riku."  
"What?"  
"Do you like girls?"  
Riku is naturally shaken up by Sora questioning his sexuality like that and becomes defensive. "Well of course I like girls! Girls are my life! Girls are my dreams! Can't live without 'em! I eat girls for breakfast! A girl a day keeps the yaoi away!"  
Sora's just about weirded out enough to end the conversation right there. "Okay..." he murmurs. However, Sora can't stand quietness and decides to start a serious conversation for once. Hoping to get Riku's attention, Sora blurts out "Hey, Stinkoman."  
Riku is understandably confused by this odd moniker Sora has just given him. "Um... did you just call me Stinkoman?"  
"What do you think it was? The door to the light?"  
Knowing what he's talking about (which doesn't happen often), Riku points to Sora's chest area. "Here."  
Sora, however, doesn't quite get it. "In my arteries?", he asks.  
Riku laughs with amusement. "No, you fecal pervert. I'm pointing at-"  
Riku is suddenly interrupted by the sight of Kairi running up to the two of them with a message in a bottle at hand. It appears urgent as Kairi attempts desperately to get the two friends' attention. "Sora! Riku! Hey! Hey! Listen! Listen! Come over here! Look what I found! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Sora! Riku! Come over here! Look at what I found! Look at-"  
Sora and Riku, at this point annoyed, exasparatedly shout "**WHAT IS IT?!**"  
"Look." Kairi shows Sora the message, which has The King's seal on it.  
Sora is excited at the prospect of hearing from The King again after their last escapade. "The King! Gimme that!" Sora swipes the bottle from Kairi and dumps the message out. The group reads the letter:

_"Dear Keyblade-wielding spiky brown-haired teenager (by which I mean Sora), to celebrate how cool and funny I am, I, The King Mickey, am cordially inviting you to my The Disney Castle for a feast of wine and crumpets. I'll pick you up when I feel like it, 'cuz, y'know, I'm The King. Yours truly, The King Mickey.  
P.S. Don't use my bathroom. I've just learned that Goofy is a terrible plunger, and I ended up killing the toilet last night. May Chauncey rest in peace. :("_

"A dinner party, huh?" Riku responds "Even though I'm a little concerned by the fact that The King went through the trouble of naming his toilet, I don't see any reason for Sora not to go."  
Kairi speaks out. "But doesn't it bother you that The King Mickey is quite basically corrupt beyond all reasoning?"  
"Eh, not really," Riku responds indifferently.  
Sora is overall enthusiastic. "Great! I'll grab my stu-"  
Before Sora can finish the last word in his sentence, he is beamed up by a mysterious light.

Sora suddenly finds himself in The Disney Castle's Dining Room, where Donald Duck, Goofy, Scrooge McDuck, and Buzz Lightyear are seated at an unnecessarily long table. There is a plate of crumpets and a goblet of wine in front of all of them. Sora is nevertheless confused by his own sudden appearance. "Wait, what the heck just happened?!"  
Goofy, being such a good friend of Sora's, gleefully ignores his question in favor of greeting him. "Hey there, Sora! G'morning!"  
Donald Duck, always the one to be annoyed at Goofy's dimness, attempts to correct Goofy. "It's 6:30 PM, Goofy."  
Scrooge is shocked. "Donald! You should be ashamed of yourself! It's 5:30 PM, not 6:30! I didn't raise you to get the time wrong! I swear, kids these days with your video games and your fan-fictions and your hippity-hop music and your Lamb of God t-shirts and your pierced eyelashes and your incest yuri and your... uh... what time is it?"  
Sora decides to take matters in his own hands, since everyone else is being, well, themselves. "Alright, alright! I'll find things out myself." Sora turns to Buzz Lightyear, who, as his high-tech appearance would suggest, is the smartest in the bunch. "You! You look like you're a reasonably smart person, so tell me. Who are you, and how the hell did I get here so fast?"  
Buzz politely introduces himself: "I'm glad you asked, my hip young parson. My name is Buzz Lightyear, and I come the Fourth Sector of the Gamma Quadrant, where I work as an elite Universe Protection Unit. I protect the Galaxy from the Evil Emperor Zurg, sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance!"  
Sora, however, is unimpressed, aware that Buzz is simply an action figure (or doll, to those who live in the real world). "Good enough. Now try telling me something I can believe, such as how I got here?"  
"Well, if you insist. I was sneaking through The King Mickey's highly confidential information stuff, which was conveniently located next to the coleslaw in The King's fridge, and I found some blueprints for an Instantaneous Beam-Me-Up device. According to this Post-it note that I found pasted onto the front of the said fridge, Mickey extorted half of Scrooge's retirement savings just to build it."  
Donald tries to silence Buzz for some reason. "Shh! Be quiet about my uncle's money! Every time someone brings up his money, he-"  
Too late. "It's mine, you Nazi bastards!! All mine!! You can't have it!"  
"We're aware of that, Uncle."  
Sora, remembering Scrooge from the last game, decides to start a conversation with him. As he's about to learn, that's not the smartest choice in the world. "So, Scrooge. Have you made your sea-salt ice cream yet?"  
"I don't reveal that kind of information to teenage anime preppies like you!"  
"Excuse me?"  
Donald's got some explaining to do. "He stuck a Popsicle stick up his nose to see if he could poke his own brain."  
"Did it work?"  
"Well, yeah, but now he can't get it out, and now he thinks two plus two equals fish. It's really annoying."  
In the background, Scrooge declares that he is in fact the king of sponge. At this point, Sora's becoming impatient. "Okay... so when is The King getting here? I missed a big anime convention for this, and I don't like passing up the chance to feel up hot Anko Mitarashi cosplayers."  
The fancy door behind Sora opens up, with The King Mickey emerging from it. Sora does not notice The King's arrival and continues to rant while he's waiting. "I tell ya, if he doesn't get here soon, I'm gonna have to shove caffeinated coral snakes down his pants. And then I'm gonna-"  
"Ahem."  
Sora turns around to find a slightly piffed The King tapping his foot threateningly. Sora blushes, surprised that The King arrived so stealthily and nervous about him catching a part of his off-putting ramblings. "Oh, uh, The King! Look, I was just kidding about that, uh..."  
The King Mickey sternly speaks. "Listen. I'm willing to not sue you for that caffeinated pants comment if you just silence yourself, sit down, and eat your delicious feast which I, The King Mickey, prepared for you."  
Sora, sensing the wrath of The King Mickey, dashes to his chair and starts chowing down/chugging his meal without saying a word, with the others staring on. After Sora finishes his feast in a flash, an uneasy silence fills the room for about five seconds, after which the other four guests start eating their fill. As they eat, The King Mickey talks. "Now that you've all eaten at least some of the food, I have something to 'chair' with you."  
The King chuckles to himself, while the guests groan in disgust at The King Mickey's awful pun. Goofy is the only one who laughs with The King. "Gee, The King! You sure are funny!"  
"Yes, I know I am. Now anyways, 'feast' your ears on this piece of information!"  
The King chuckles once more, while the others groan a second time. Goofy laughs even harder than before. "Oh man, The King! You're a regular Dane Cook! You should be a stand-up comedian!"  
"Why thank you, my royal dog shield. I'm just glad the bad sense of humor the others apparently have hasn't 'poisoned' your opinions of me.  
Goofy is now in hysterics over this terrible excuse of a joke. The faces of the other guests turn pale with fear, as they have already 'got it'. "Seriously! That was hilarious! I gotta- wait. I don't get that o-"  
Goofy suddenly gets it, and the whole room goes eerily quiet. The only sound that can be heard is the pitter-patter of the little feet of The Disney Castle's cockroaches. After what seems like a minute, all of the guests scream at the top of their lungs.  
Sora stomps towards The King Mickey, incensed beyond belief. "What the hell did you do to us?!"  
An enraged Donald is next to confront The King. "Yeah, seriously!! What the flock!"  
"Hey, that was a good one," acknowledges Scrooge.  
Donald, however, is not in the mood for compliments. "Nobody asked you!"  
Buzz speaks out. "I though you were supposed to be a benevolent The King! Now it's like down is up and left is right!"  
"I _am_ a benevolent The King! But that doesn't mean I can't also be a bad-ass The King!"  
Goofy is not so easily convinced. "Yeah but, why would you do that, The King? I thought you liked us! This is totally... _not funny!_"  
The King Mickey goes dead silent, shocked at Goofy's criticism. No one has ever called The King Mickey 'not funny' before, except for one guy who had the nerve to say it to his face during his honeymoon, but that guy never lived to tell the tale. The fact that this is coming from his most trusted meat shield is also distressing. Not having the heart for being insulted further, The King Mickey decides to reveal the reasoning behind his actions. "If you really must know, I'll tell you. But I gotta warn ya. There's a pretty boring flashback coming up, so I suggest you get yourself some snacks. Too late. It all started after our last adventure, with me, The King, returning home to my The Castle."

Flashback to sometime after the events of _Kingdom Hearts II_ (available in stores now). The King Mickey is sitting peacefully on his bed, watching a program featuring an Inuit teenager under the influence of mescaline. The Inuit feverishly rambles.  
"Drink cactus juice! It'll quench ya! Nothing's quenchier! It's the quenchiest!!"  
The King Mickey finds this program humorous (who wouldn't?). "Heh heh heh... Watching other people spiral into drug addiction is just hilarious. Truly hilarious."  
Just then, the image on the TV screen is suddenly replaced with the image of Yen Sid's head in front of static. The King Mickey is annoyed by this intrusion by his old master of all people. "Hey! Do you mind?! I was watching Inuit teenagers getting drunk! Change it back!"  
Yen Sid nods his head in disappointment "Foolish Mickey. Laughing at the misfortunes of others? Perhaps you are not as cool as I thought you were."  
The King Mickey is not going to take being called uncool laying down. "That's _The King_ Mickey to you, 'Master' Yen Sid! And I'm lots cool!"  
"Are you really that cool, my self-absorbed apprentice? Are you?"  
"Yes I am! In fact, I'm so cool that I've got two solid-gold statues of me where the Wonderland and Deep Jungle worlds used to be!"  
Unfortunately, this only serves to convince Yen Sid that The King Mickey has relinquished his coolness for frivolous things. "Stupid, narcissistic heathen. Solid-gold statues are so Roman Empire times ago. If you really are as cool as you claim you are, then prove to me that you are my favorite student. Until then, you will not be able to watch TV. Ever!"  
Yen Sid's head disappears from the TV screen, leaving nothing but static. The King Mickey, presented with the prospect of never being able to take enjoyment in the intoxication of hormonally-stressed children again, buries his face in a pillow and cries himself to sleep.

Flash back to the present, where The King Mickey is finishing up explaining what happened.  
"So the next morning I came up with this really cool plan to invite you all over for poison and kill all of you. If Yen Sid knows that I actually managed to kill the Keybearer and his friends, he'll love me the best. Isn't that great?"  
Sora is not amused. "Yeah. About as great as rearranging your teeth in alphabetical order if you don't tell us where the antidote is!"  
"Sorry, Sora. No can do. If I gave you the antidote and let you live, Yen Sid wouldn't think I'm cool, which I am. Wish I could help."  
"Cool?! _Cool?!_ What's so cool about killing your closest friends just because you can?! That's not cool! That's... _lame!!_"  
The King Mickey's self-esteem is shattered with this last word. He had trouble dealing with someone calling him not funny, but he just isn't able to withstand being called lame. The King falls to his knees and begins to sob. Sora, believing that The King Mickey's tears aren't genuine, proceeds to mock him. "Aw, boo hoo! Baby gonna cry?! Let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin!"  
Before Sora can do just this, The King Mickey raises his hand, emotionally wracked. He just doesn't feel like keeping secrets anymore. "I hid the antidote in one of the Keyholes of the universe. You'll have to search world after world and unlock their Keyholes to find it."  
Buzz Lightyear morally objects to this procedure. "But The King, if a world's Keyhole is unlocked, then the Heartless will be free to ravage it, potentially slaughtering millions of innocent lives!"  
"And that's exactly why I hid it in a Keyhole. With such a high body count, Yen Sid will have to think I'm cool. Did you think I would just hand it to you on a silver platter?"  
The guests all form scowls on their faces, disgusted with The King Mickey's apathy. After a few seconds, all of the guests except Donald begin to leave, heading for the Gummi Ship.  
"Come along, Donald," Sora calls out.  
Donald, however, still has one last thing to do. "Hold on."  
Donald waddles towards the devastated The King Mickey, who then looks up to his faithful wizard. "D-Donald?"  
After about five seconds, Donald demonstrates his disgust with The King by spitting on him, flipping him the bird (pun not intended) and belting out a well-deserved "_Flock you!!_" Donald runs out of the room to join the others.  
The King Mickey stands up. He has regained his composure, but is now utterly furious that someone has had the nerve to defile his person with a wad of saliva. The King Mickey calls out to Donald, who has already left The Castle. "That's it. You asked for it! I'm The King, gosh darn it! You can call me lame, but when I get spat on, that's when I get mad! That's it! You've just crossed the line, mister! I'm only giving you 3_1_ birthday presents this year instead of 32! You hear me?! Nobody messes with The King Mickey! _No_-one, I say!! _No-ooooone!!_"  
The King Mickey's beloved The Queen Minnie overhears her husband's racket from another room. "Be quiet," she commands from another room.  
"Yes, dear," The King Mickey responds submissively.


	2. Episode 2: Promotion Commotion

Inside the Gummi Ship, the "Gaang", which consists of Sora, Donald, Goofy, Scrooge, and Buzz Lightyear, pilot their ship towards the first destination of their no-doubt long and grueling trip. They review their current situation. Sora is not happy.

"I can't _believe_ the nerve of that King Mickey jerk!"  
"That's _The _King Mickey, Sora," interrupts Goofy.  
Sora is irked by Goofy's unusually calm demeanor over the whole situation. "That guy invites us over for wine and crumpets, and it turns out he poisoned all of us, including you, just so he could prove he's a bad-ass king. How can you still look up to the guy like this?!"  
"Well, yeah. He may be a jerk n' all, but he's still The King. You should show some respect when you're talking about him."  
"Whatever! He's still a jerk."  
"So what's our first destination," asks Buzz.  
"Merlin's bound to have some sort of antidote to the poison we got. Let's go to Radiant Garden and see what he's up to."  
Scrooge doesn't follow. "Why can't you just follow the rules and unlock every world's Keyhole for the antidote like a good little boy?"  
Sora rebukes. "Because cheating is fun! Now shut up!"  
An awkward silence fills the ship for a good five seconds, until Scrooge speaks out. "I want bananas on my pancakes!"

The Gummi Ship reaches the Radiant Garden and lands near Merlin's Place. The Gaang welcome themselves into Merlin's abode, where they find that Merlin has reorganized his Place to resemble a classroom, complete with a chalkboard, with numerous meaningless symbols and equations etched onto it. Merlin is just finishing up a monologue directed to his class, which consists of: Yuffie Kisaragi, the female ninja; Squall Leonhart, the Gunblade wielder; and Cid Highwind, the uncouth mechanic, who appears to be "in the zone". All of them listen intently in their desks.

"...And that's how teeth are born," Merlin states. Merlin turns to see Sora and the others, and appears glad to see them.  
"Sora, my boy! Good to see you again, my friends! What sort of delightful destruction do you plan on causing today?"  
With no particular mischief in mind at the moment, Sora decides to cut to the chase.  
"Merlin, we've got a problem."  
"The King Mickey's gone crazy and poisoned us," quacks Donald.  
Buzz reads from some data he has gathered in the past few minutes. "And by my calculations, we should be dead in about 11 decacycles."  
Scrooge is unfazed. "I don't know what a decacycle is, but it's not very fun to say. I like saying the word "Murfreesboro" better. Heh heh heh... Murfreesboro."  
"Oh, well that's lovely," remarks Merlin, ignorant of the direness of the situation. "As for me, I'm following in the footsteps of my dear old schoolmaster McGonagle and founded a cult devoted to reprogramming my followers into magic-using weapons of mass-helping people. I'm pretty sure you're familiar with all of the students in my class."  
Sora takes a look at Merlin's vast amount of followers. All three of them. Yuffie raises her hand.  
"Teacher! When are we actually gonna learn something?"  
"Not now, Yuffie. I still haven't taught you the basics of transmuting puppy dogs."  
Becoming impatient, Sora speaks out. "Forget about defying the will of God for about five minutes, Merlin! Can you show us something more important, like how to get rid of the poison?"  
Merlin looks regretful. "I'm dreadfully sorry, friends, but when I was a lad growing up in McGonagle's Blasphemous Witchcraft School, "Poisons and Antidotes 101" was my worst subject. I couldn't even differentiate Frog Tongue Stew from Deadly Night Shade. I apologize for the inconvenience."  
Sora sighs in disappointment. "That's okay."  
Merlin, however, has _some_useful advice. "Of course, Aerith Gainsborough knows a variety of poison-healing spells. You could ask her for assistance."  
Sora is incredulous."What?! No, no-ho-ho! No, no, no. No, Merlin, no. No. I mean, come on! Aerith?! You've got to be kidding! Aerith's voice sucks! There's no way I'm going to let her get rid of the poison in my body and save my life!"  
"But Sora..."  
"But nothing," Sora barks adamantly."If you won't help me, then maybe one of your students will, starting with..." Sora points a finger at Yuffie. "Yuffie!"

Sora makes his way towards Yuffie's desk.  
"Yuffie, your voice definitely doesn't suck. In fact, you sound like that one girl from that one show, so you've gotta have some sorta of magical healing power on ya. So can you do me a favor and cure us?" Sora gets down on his knees and begs. "Pleeease? I've got Materia!"  
Sora takes out a handful of the marble-like spheres, which Yuffie promptly swipes from his hand.  
"Thanks for the Materia, but your reason for asking me for help is stupid in about two more ways than one. I barely even know any healing spells, like, at all!"  
Sora is let down. "But... your voice..."  
"Dammit, Sora! I'm a Ninja, not a White Mage," chastises Yuffie.  
"Aww," mopes Sora.

Having been turned down by Yuffie, Sora turns to Merlin's next student, Squall Leonhart, who is sitting around looking cool. Sora greets Squall merrily, having gotten over his recent rejection.  
"Hey, Squall!"  
"It's Leon," Squall snarls. Sora is taken aback by Squall's sudden burst of anger.  
"Okay, um, "Leon". Your voice sounds cool with a capital G, so can you cure me and my friends over here? It's kind of urgent.  
"Thanks for the compliment, but if you think the power of flattery is gonna get me to heal you, then you're sadly mistaken. I don't cast anything other than fire spells, so I would more likely burninate your hands and nervous system in that order than heal the poison."  
Sora is no doubt disappointed. "Aww, man!"

Thanks to the process of elimination, Sora is forced to consult Cid, who is still in the zone.  
"Hey, um, Cid?"  
Cid's speak is strained and choppy in his deep state of concentration. "Can't... talk... right now. Trying... to undress... Yuffie with... power... of... mind."

Yuffie hears this, and the room suddenly goes quiet. No one, especially not a hick like Cid, even _attempts _to take a look at her naked, well-toned body and walk away a physically-healthy person. Yuffie stands up and tosses her desk over her head, which hits the wall with a crash. She then takes the last thing between her and Cid, Leon's desk, and tosses it over her head, with Leon still in it. She walks up to Cid with an expression of immeasurable outrage on her face.

"Mister Highwind... **I DON'T BELIEVE I HEARD YOU CORRECTLY!!**"  
Cid's still going at it. "Can't... repeat... myself... right now. Too... busy... undressing... hot chick."  
Yuffie's had enough at this point. "You chauvinistic, heterosexual, nut-brained idiot!! You make me wanna vomit!!"  
Yuffie takes out her ridiculously large shuriken and slices Cid, hard, across the face, leaving a gaping, bleeding scar across his cheek. Yuffie continues to rant while Cid clutches his cheek in pain.  
"Where do you get off undressing girls _half_ your age?! You're old enough to be my _dad_, you disgusting pervert!!"  
Cid decides to fightback. Verbally, of course."It's not my fault you're so god-damned hot-lookin'! Wouldn't be a problem if y-"  
"Are you saying that I should be a guy?! Are you saying that because you're sexist?! Sexist McSexist Pants!"  
Sora walks over to the two of them, hoping to sort things out.  
"Look, I think both of you should just calm down and-"  
Yuffie is now completely hysterical. "Both?! **I'M COMPLETELY CALM**," Yuffie shrieks. She continues her tirade."I'm _King _Calm!! From the Calm Kingdom!! From the Calm Dynasty!! I'll show you!! What's poison control?! Gaaaaah!!"

With that battle cry, Yuffie lunges at Cid, and the two engage in a fistfight. Thefight obscured by a cartoony cloud of dust, stars, and the occasional fist, wreaking havoc on anything that gets in their way.

"Okay... that got really weird really fast," exclaims Buzz. Merlin steps in and attempts to talks some sense into all this.  
"Please! Yuffie! Cid! Stop! Beating up someone for trying to undress you with the power of their mind is against Rule #86.3 in McGonagle's Guidelines to Blasphemous Witchcraft School!"  
Squall crawls out of the ruins of his desk and limps toward Merlin.  
"Never bring words to a fistfight, Merlin. You'll have to try something else."  
"Why... yes, of course! Why didn't I think of that before? McGonagle taught me to do this for the sole purpose of breaking fights like these! Here I go."  
Merlin takes out his wand and recites a magic word.  
"Nalamayhs!"  
Merlin flicks his wand and shoots a blue ray of light of the two feuding students. With a bright flash, the two students are reduced to a swarm of Africanized bees, which begins to advance towards Merlin.  
"Should we run for our lives now," asks Squall.  
"That just happens to be my Plan C! Let's get out of here!"

With that, Merlin dashes out of his Place, with Leon limping behind. The swarm of bees quickly follow suit, bent on revenge. Sora and Gaang are left to observe the carnage left behind after the fight, which includes the broken desks and books flung everywhere.  
"Some day, huh," Buzz says with monotony. Scrooge begins to rant once more.  
"We never got into fights like these when I was a teenager! Back in the day, we solved our fights by throwing rocks at each other, and then throwing the loser down a hill! You little rascals with your giant shurikens and your fire-shooting machetes and your manga books and your-"  
Sora interrupts. "C'mon guys. Let's go."  
"What's my name," asks Scrooge.

The Gaang leaves Merlin's Place a wreck, and they wander Radiant Garden going over their current predicament.  
"So now what do we do," asks Goofy. Sora responds.  
"Looks like we have no choice. We'll have to search all the worlds and unlock their Keyholes for that antidote, since nobody else will help us."  
Scrooge begins to cheer, happy that Sora is following the rules for once. However, Sora is quick to reprimand.  
"Shut up, Scrooge!"  
"Aww..."

The distinctive noise of a dark portal echoes through the air, interrupting the relative silence of the town. Donald looks surprised.  
"Holy flock! What's that?!"  
Donald points to what appears to be a dark portal just a short distance ahead, undoubtedly being used by a villain of some sort. Out of the portal steps Maleficent and her trusty sidekick Pete, who is sweating quite profusely.  
"Geez, Maleficent! Couldn't you at least put some air-conditioning in those dark portals? I'm sweatier than those martial arts anime freaks I see on TV!"  
"Silence! Dark portals are supposed to be sweaty! It's their nature!"  
Maleficent turns to find Sora and Gaang in the vicinity. She sneers for a split-second, but that immediately fades into a grin as she nears Sora.  
"Why, hello again, Sora. You're just the one I'm looking for. I have a proposition for you."  
Sora figures that since this is coming from one of the main antagonists, it may as well be important. Nevertheless, he's got things to do.  
"Whatever it is, make it quick. We've got worlds to involuntarily destroy.  
"Well, so impatient as always. As you might have guessed, me and Pete..."  
"Pete and _I_," interrupts Goofy. This infuriates Maleficent.  
"Don't question my grammar, you impudent garbage!! I can control your arms!!"  
Maleficent dramatically raises her arms up into the air. An unseen force causes Goofy to unwillingly put up his dukes and punch himself in the face numerous times. Now that Goofy's face is a bloody wreck, Maleficent is no longer angry and continues her offer.  
"That was invigorating. Now where was I? Oh yes. Me and Pete have successfully taken over that lovely Organization XIII Castle, and we've just gotten back from the Banishment Zone to form an army that'll go against that most unfunny heathen King Mickey."  
"That's _The_ King Mickey," interrupts Donald. Maleficent is once again furious.  
"Silence, you preposterous duck thing!! I can control your spine!!"  
Maleficent once more raises her arms up into the air. Donald suddenly finds himself bending back. His spine is then situated in such a position that Donald's head is implanted into his butt. At this point, Maleficent is getting fed up with the Gaang.  
"Will there be any further interruptions?!"  
"No," Sora responds nervously.  
"Good! Now, as I was saying, I've recruited an army that should be large enough to destroy King Mickey. Would you care to meet them?  
Sora, hoping not to face Maleficent's wrath, sighs in defeat. "Go ahead."  
"Glad you see it my way," says Maleficent.

Maleficent proceeds to open up another dark portal. While this is going on, Goofy pulls Donald head out of his posterior. Out of the new dark portal steps Cloud Strife, whom Sora is more than familiar with. All the more reason for his shocked reaction.  
"Cloud?! What're _you_ doing here?!"  
"You don't understand! I've got someone in my-"  
Cloud stops speaking. His eyes turn from their regular blue to a bright emerald-green.  
"Your mother sucks at playing card games in hell," the apparently possessed Cloud hisses to himself. His eyes turn back to normal.  
"You don't talk about my mother like that, Seph," retorts Cloud. His eyes turn green again.  
"I killed your mother!! She is not available at the moment!! Please leave a message after the beep!!"  
Cloud's head turns 360 degrees, after which Cloud projectile vomits a thick, green substance all over Donald. The Gaang looks slightly disgusted, while Maleficent chortles to herself.  
"Disgusting, maybe. Amusing, absolutely."  
"Uh... Buzz. Explanation, please," requests Sora.  
"I'm gonna make an educated guess and say that Sephiroth has become a separate personality in Cloud's body. It must've happened during that light-speed battle of theirs."  
"Perfect explanation, Buzz. Barely made a lick of sense."

Next up, a fierce-looking Iguanodon emerges from the dark portal.  
"I am Kr-" Maleficent interrupts.  
"This is Kron and he had some stupid herd that died," Maleficent says briskly.  
"Hey! I thought we said that-" Maleficent interrupts again.  
"No one cares. I'm pretty sure you'll meet this bunch later in the fan-fiction anyway."  
"What?"  
"Never Mind."

A tall, bipedal, shark-like creature emerges from the dark portal. As it does this, Maleficent speaks.  
"This is Cap'n Gantu."  
"It's Cap_tain_, Maleficent," Gantu objects.  
"Silence!! Your title is hereby "Cap'n", and you're going to like it!! You follow?!"  
Consider Cap'n Gantu subdued. "Yes, Supreme Overlord."

The Lord of the Underworld, Hades slinks out of the dark portal, which then disappears.  
"Hey, my name is Hades, Lord of the Dead. How are ya?"  
"Save that used car salesman tripe for later, Hades, or 'James' as you were called in high school," Maleficent reprimands.  
"Hey, I've had enough of that at school," Hades complains.  
"Hades, shut up!"  
"Aww..."  
Having introduced her entire army, Maleficent turns back to Sora.  
"I have overheard your little predicament through Merlin's conveniently open window, and I think you and your friends will make a fine addition to our army. If we storm The King Mickey's castle together, he will have to give you the antidote. What do you say?"  
Sora thinks to himself for a moment.  
"Hmm... if I get the potion now, then I won't die. Don't see the harm in that."  
"That's the spirit," says Scrooge encouragingly.  
"Shut up, Scrooge."  
"Aww..."  
"Alright, Maleficent. I'll jo-" Cloud interrupts Sora.  
"Don't do it, Sora! It's a tra-" Cloud's eyes turn green. "Buy Mercedes-Benzes!"  
Sora quickly takes his decision. Sora doesn't shell out for anybody, so why should he start now?  
"Wait a minute. Mercedes-Benzes?! Maleficent, you monster! You sold yourself out to some automobile company, didn't you?! That's it! The deal's off! You're not the general I thought you were!"  
Naturally, this makes Maleficent very unhappy.  
"You incompetent fool! I warn you. If you're not a part of Maleficent's Army, then you might as well be dead! Soldiers... attack!"  
"Now we're talking," Kron says enthusiastically.  
"One more word out of you, Kron, and it's back to Universal Studios for you," Maleficent threatens. "And we all know how much you would hate being cast in _The Land Before Time 28: Littlefoot Finds a Beaver._"  
"Aww..."  
"I've had enough of these sell-outs. Donald, do your thing," Sora commands.  
"My pleasure," says the magically-armed duck. As Maleficent's minions charge towards the Gaang, Donald raises his staff over his head and shout an incantation.  
"Nohtyp ytnom!"  
The staff's head gives off a bright glow. Almost immediately, a gigantic foot falls from the sky and crushes the whole army, accompanied with a raspberry noise. Donald blows off his staff as if to mock Maleficent and Pete. Pete appears worried, while Maleficent is, needless to say, outraged by this failure.

"This can't be! How could you all lose to this impudent brat?! This is all your fault, Pete!"  
"What?! But I didn't even do anything," says Pete weakly.  
"Shut up! I'm the boss and I can blame whoever I want!"  
Sora catches both their attentions with a single "Maleficent." He looks like he's about to give an impassioned speech.  
"It takes more than selling yourself out to German automobile companies to make a great army. It takes-"  
"Don't you dare start a friendship speech, you uncool The King wannabe," Maleficent barks grudgingly. This offends Sora greatly.  
"What did you call me?!"  
"That's right! You're just as uncool as The King Mickey!"  
"You stupid...!!" Sora charges towards Maleficent and Pete, but they both disappear in a dark cloud of smoke just as he's about to reach them. The soldiers disappear with the same dark cloud. Maleficent's voice echoes through the air.  
"Know this, you The King Mickey follower! You've started a war you can't possibly win! Mercedes-Benz has deemed me victorious!"  
The laughter of Maleficent, Pete, and the soldiers echoes through the air as Sora sits on the ground, upset about being compared to The King Mickey that way. His depression is lifted by the arrival of Yuffie, who has been returned to human form. She puts a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.  
"Merlin taught me some emotion-healing spells in exchange for not stinging him to death. Don't worry, Sora. You're way cooler than The King Mickey."  
"I am?"  
Yuffie smiles in confirmation. Suddenly, a small Keyhole-shaped glow radiates from Yuffie's throat, naturally shocking her. Sora's Keyblade, as if it has a will of its own, points at Yuffie's throat and gives off a small ray of light, also to Sora's surprise. The Keyhole disappears with a bright flash. This doesn't serve to calm Yuffie.

"What the heck just happened?!"  
Buzz, being the nerdy scientist type, has it all figured out.  
"I'm going to make another educated guess. Sora has just unlocked this world's Keyhole, which, for some reason, was located in your voice, Yuffie. We'll have to do this for the rest of the worlds if we're ever going to find the antidote to our-"  
Buzz Lightyear is interrupted by Cid Highwind, who has also returned to human form and is about ten yards away. He proceeds to make fun of Yuffie comforting Sora, which he saw from afar.  
"Hey, sugar queen! You just gave me a new idea for some perverted Yuffie/Sora fan-fic I'm making! Thanks for the inspiration!"  
Yuffie turns to Cid with a rather crazed expression on her face and speaks through gritted teeth. "Sugar... queen...?!"

An uneasy silence sets in. Cid gulps once, imagining what he's going to go through now.  
"Shit..."  
"I know where this is going," says Buzz as he dashes off to the Gummi Ship away from upcoming harm. After a few more seconds of tense silence, Yuffie figuratively explodes.  
**"NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU ******* *********** ************* **** **** **********!!! I'M NO ******* SUGAR-******* ************* QUEEN, YOU ******* SON OF A ************* **** ****FACE!!! I'D OUGHTA **** YOUR ******* **** AND **** THAT ************* ******* OF YOURS AND **** DOWN YOUR ************* *********** MOUTH, YOU *********** ************* BILL-PAYER!!!"  
**With that, Yuffie charges towards Cid and, putting it mildly, beats the crap out of him. The Gaang looks on in awe and a little bit of horror.  
"Guys, remind me not to piss off Yuffie again," Sora requests of the others.  
"Clowns hate tangelos," Scrooge replies.  
"You make less and less sense every day, Scrooge."  
"That I do, Sora. That I do."


	3. Episode 3: Forty Thieves and a Genie

The setting is Agrabah, an arid Middle-Eastern city completely surrounded by sand. At the city's largest building, the Palace, a wedding of ginormous proportions is taking place. The whole population of the city is attending, including the omnipotent Genie, who has cloned himself numerous times and is now performing an orchestral rendition of "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses just for the occasion. The newlyweds, the former hobo Aladdin and the princess Jasmine, both gussied-up, stand side by side on the Palace balcony overlooking the massive crowd. The Sultan walks past them, situates himself in front of the two of them and silences everyone attending with just a raise of his hand. All chatter and music stops as The Sultan begins his eulogy.  
"Elegant, cultured, radiant, sexy, tolerable oral hygiene, good-mannered, sexy..."  
A member of the audience interrupts. "You said 'sexy' twice!"  
The Sultan, offended by this interruption, takes out a dagger from his pants and chucks it at the offending audience member, who now shrieks for his departed eye. The Sultan continues.  
"Now where was I? Oh yes. My daughter has found a suitor with all of these qualities, and now no otherworldly force can ever tear them apart!"  
The audience cheers ecstatically with this declaration. At the peak of all this mania, an orange object rockets through the sky. Eventually, it buries itself into the Palace roof with a loud crash. The audience gasps, convincing The Sultan to turn around and see what has happened. He is shocked to find the Gummi Ship implanted into his roof and yells with mortification.  
"My ROOOOOF!!! My beautiful ROOOOOF!!! How are we supposed to hold a wedding without my ROOOOOF?!?"  
The Sultan turns to the onlooking audience with a horrible announcement.  
"Citizens of Agrabah, I regret to inform you that the wedding has just been cancelled! In fact, there will be no wedding! Ever! All of you go home!"  
The audience member with the dagger in his eye tries to speak out, but can only mutter a simple "But..." before The Sultan once again assaults him, this time with a large scimitar, blinding him in both eyes.  
"Go!!", the angry politician commands.

As the disappointed audience begins to leave, the Gaang exits the Gummi Ship and climbs down onto the balcony. They land behind Aladdin, Jasmine, and The Sultan, who is too busy giving orders to notice the Gaang's arrival.  
"Guards, seize those musicians! Now is not the time for music!"  
The Palace guards proceed to take the instruments from the Genies and beat them with them. Sora calls out to the trio on the balcony, unaware of what he has just caused.  
"Hey, guys! What's up?"  
An angry Aladdin turns at the sound of Sora's voice and finds him behind them.  
"Sora, do you know what you've just done?!"  
Buzz voices his guess. "According to my calculations, about 30 billion Munny in damage."  
Princess Jasmine is equally upset by all these going-ons. "You've ruined our wedding! How can we ever speak to you again?!"  
"With your mouths, of course," Goofy explains. Aladdin and Jasmine are not amused.  
"Shut up, Goofy," the two shout in unison.  
"Aww..."  
Sora shares Goofy's disappointment. "I know how you feel, Goof. This is worse than the last Muse concert I went to."  
Scrooge puts a hand on Sora's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. "Don't feel bad, Sora. I done worse than you have. Why, when I was your age, I accidentally flew my dragonfly into the White House's Dalai Lama."  
"Scrooge, when it comes to losing personal credibility, you never disappoint."  
All this disappointment is interrupted by a door being slammed open in the room behind the balcony. The Gaang turns around to find a cloaked figure backed by exactly thirty-eight Heartless, all of them taking a form to fit the fashion sense of the locals.  
"Everybody stay back," Scrooge shouts. "Canadian Mounties are after my waffles!"  
"Don't panic," assures the cloaked figure, who will now be referred to as the Guy. "We don't want your waffles. Just your lives. And maybe that nice vase over there."  
The Guy points to the left wall of the room, where a vase with The Sultan's face painted all over it sits on a concrete stand. This calms down Scrooge by a lot.  
"Oh, well that's a relief."  
The Sultan, having enough shenanigans for one day, steps forward and looks at the Guy straight in the eye.  
"You have no business here, you hooligans! Can't you see that I'm mourning the loss of my beautiful ROOOOOF?"  
"Yes," says the Guy callously. "And while it is quite amusing, we must do what we came here for. Let's get 'em, boys!"  
The Guy and the Heartless creep towards the Gaang, cornering them to the balcony. Goofy hides behind Sora.  
"I'm too smart to be shish-kebabed, Sora!"  
"By that logic, you deserve less than that. But don't worry. I've got a secret weapon. GENIE!!"  
The Genie floats up to Sora's level. He has a black eye, a sling and numerous bandages from the guards attacking him earlier.  
"Get rid of these Heartless for us, will ya?" Sora commands.  
Influenced by the freedom he's been given after millenia of taking orders, the Genie isn't so willing to comply. "Sorry, Sora. I don't shell out for nobody."  
Touche, but Sora has an ace up his sleeve.  
"Listen up, funny guy. You help us, or I'll tell everyone your real name is Toolshed." This horrifies the Genie.  
"How'd you know?!"  
"You just told us."  
The Genie, having been tricked, lets out a frustrated "D'oh!" and snaps his fingers, which causes all of the Heartless to turn into bobble-head dolls. The Guy appears shocked by this turn of events, left defenseless at the snap of a reluctant Genie's fingers.  
"He's all yours, 'Masters'," the Genie mumbles grudgingly, disappearing in a poof of pink smoke afterwards. As the Gaang steps towards the Guy threateningly, the Guy points to them defiantly.  
"You think I'm defeated? You think all is well? Well embrace my posterior! I'll see you in hell!"  
The Guy charges right through the Gaang and leaps off the balcony. The Gaang runs to the balcony to see the Guy dashing towards the palace gates. He stops for a moment at the gates and flips the bird to everyone on the balcony before making his escape.  
"Just who was that guy, anyway?" Sora asks incredulously. Aladdin shrugs.  
"I don't know, but whoever it is, we'd better follow him and see what he's up to. The last thing we need is another megalomaniac running around."  
"Just hold it right there, you ingrates!"  
The Sultan walks up to the Gaang, still huffing about earlier.  
"You've ruined my wedding and my ROOOOOF!!! I've spent half of the taxpayers' money on this wedding, yet you had to go and ruin the whole thing by desecrating my beautiful ROOOOOF!!!  
Buzz tries to talk some sense into The Sultan. "Sir, if we just get the Genie back, he can-"  
"No excuses!! You've made an enemy out of me today! As of now, you're all officially wanted criminals, dead or otherwise!"  
Aladdin is shocked. "What?! But I didn't even do anything! Besides, I'm your son-in-law!"  
"Guards, seize them!!"  
"Oh, geez! Guys, let's get out of here," Sora hastily exclaims.

The Gaang and Aladdin leap off the Palace balcony and run towards the large fancy door that blocks their path to the Guy. The Sultan approaches the balcony and barks to all of Agrabah.  
"Stop them, Guards! They've decimated my beautiful ROOOOOF!!!"  
The Gaang is only a few yards away from the door. Just then, a group of Palace Guards mysteriously fall from the sky to block the process of the fugitives. Instead of their typical scimitars, they are all wielding the damaged instruments that they beat out of the Genie earlier.  
"Did those guards just fall from the sky," Sora asks.  
"No time to question the logic of a fan-fiction, Sora," Buzz decrees. "These guys mean business, especially that one on the right."  
Buzz points to a portly guard furiously playing the "Hawaii 5-0" theme on a dented tuba. Sora isn't worried.  
"Well, lucky for us, we've got that special weapon. Oh, Toooool-sheeeeed." Sora prudishly claps his hands twice, calling forth the Genie once more. His wounds have healed about now, but he's still uite annoyed.  
"What is thy bidding, my master?"  
"Turn into something that'll take care of these guards, will you?"  
"As you wish, 'Mein Fuhrer'."  
The Genie transforms into a steamroller, beckoning Sora and the Gaang to climb on. Sora turns on the machine with a twist of the key and drives towards the guards and the Palace gates. Razoul, the Head Guard, however, is too busy being confused by what he just heard.  
"Toolshed?"  
The steamroller runs over the guards, accompanied by the sick, cracking noises that are the Guard's bones being crunched. The head of the Genie bobble-head on the dashboard shakes violently as this happens. The gates are the next to go, as the steamroller's front roller plows down the gates, and causes some of the walls protecting the Palace to crumble.  
"I've got a feeling this is gonna come back to hurt us." Buzz worries.  
"Well 'this' is gonna have to catch us first!" Donald replies.  
"I'd like some bratwurst! And some ham!" Scrooge rambles.  
"Shut up, Scrooge!" commands Donald.  
"Aww..."

With a new steamroller, the Gaang proceeds to plow their way through the city of Agrabah in a bid to avoid their pursuers. No woman, child, man, guard, or Heartless is safe from the wrath of this mighty steamroller, which eventually reaches the city gates. Upon plowing through these doors, a vast desert shows itself to the Gaang, along with a trail of footprints that Donald is quick to point out.  
"Look! Footprints!"  
"We can see that, Donald." Buzz explains.  
Halfway through following these tracks, the steamroller begins to sputter and shake, and eventually stops moving. Sora pounds the dashboard, wondering what went wrong.  
"Hey! What gives?!" Donald shouts. Goofy points to the gas meter, which is pointed at the far end of the 'not-full' side.  
"We're outta gas. See?"  
Sora finds this hard to believe. "But how can this thing possibly run out of gas?! It's an all-powerful Genie, for crying out loud! It can just fill itself!"  
The Genie bobble-head on the dashboard speaks.  
"Sorry, kid. I just gave you the steamroller. I was over here the whole time."  
"So you weren't the steamroller?! You tricked us!"  
"That's what you get when you boss around the Genie."  
Insulted, Sora grabs the Genie bobble-head and steps out of the now-useless steamroller. He shoves the bobble-head headfirst into the sand and covers the rest of the body with sand, ensuring a had time for the Genie to escape.  
"Get out of that if you can."  
"Now what do we do," Donald whines.  
"We can still follow the Guy's trail, can we," Goofy guesses. Buzz informs him otherwise.  
"That may be so, Goofy, but we don't have the sustenance needed to keep us alive long enough to do that. We'll be lucky if we found even one cactus in this lifeless hellhole."  
Scrooge goes on a tirade. "Those blasted hippies have eaten them all! I hates me them hippies with their long hair and Beatles music and tye-dye bananas..."  
Sora turns to Donald. "Can I hurt him now?"  
Donald Duck hands Sora his staff. "Knock yourself out."  
Sora approaches Scrooge threateningly while he continues to ramble.  
"...and their guitar slings and their bonfiles and their LSPs and their protest tongs and their-" Sora whacks Scrooge over the head with Donald's staff, immediately silencing him. Scrooge is momentarily distracted by the little sandwiches circling his head. Sora takes a deep breath of relief.  
"I feel a little better now. For now, that is."  
"I wonder what happened to my part," contemplates Aladdin  
Without warning, a bald, muscular, mustachioed man with a five-o'-clock shadow bursts out of the same patch of sand where the Genie was buried, making weird ninja noises and pulling off lame karate poses with the bobble-head in his hand. Sora and the Gaang gives some weirded-out faces.  
"Uh... okay?"  
"And who are you supposed to be,"asks Aladdin of the weird guy as he continues to make cliche action poses.  
"I am the Guy's right-hand man, Sa'luk! I have come for the bounty on your pathetic hides!"  
Buzz is too confused to take this guy seriously. "That's quite intimidating and all, but... were those weird poses and stuff really necessary?"  
"Hey, give me a break! I'm just a henchman, for crying out loud! I'm not Freeza!"  
"You're right. He had some credibility. You, on the other hand, just hopped out of the ground and made weird noises. I mean, what are you supposed to be anyway? Chow Yun-Fat meets Bugs Bunny?"  
Goofy thinks otherwise. "No, I'd say he's more of a Long Feng meets Dschinghis Khan if you ask me."  
Donald joins in. "You're crazy! This guy's Ra's al Ghul and the Underminer!"  
Scrooge's turn. "You're both fools of foolishness! This man is clearly a mix between Pamela Anderson and Charlton Heston!"  
The Gaang looks at Scrooge incredulously.  
"What?"  
"You're ruining our image, that's what," Donald answers.  
"Five-year-old oranges are fun to-" Sa'luk interrupts.  
"Silence!! Now, prepare to feel the steaming hot wrath of... Sa'luk!"  
The Genie bobble-head coughs up sand half out of the sand in his lungs and half out of how stupid Sa'luk's statement was.  
"Steaming hot?! How'd you come up with that!"  
"Don't give me your lip, whoever-you-are! Me and my thieves spent all night coming up with that one! It's gold!"  
"Steaming hot. Steaming hot! It took you _and_ your thieves all freaking night just to come up with 'steaming hot'?! I am clearly in the hands of a madman!"  
"Oh, I'm a man, alright. And I am mad! How do ya like _them_ croutons?!"  
Genie calls to the sky. "Why, Allah? Why have you forsaken me?"  
As Sa'luk and the Genie continue to bicker, Buzz leans towards Sora's ear. "Sora, now's your chance! Hit 'em while they're distracted."  
"I'm on the way, Buzz."  
Sora unsheathes his Keyblade and charges towards Sa'luk. Sora reaches Sa'luk and, instead of slicing him as is expected, kicks him hard in the shin, causing Sa'luk to hop around in pain.  
"That was my favorite shin, you know!"  
To finish this off, Sora strikes the back of Sa'luk's head with the back of his Keyblade, sending Sa'luk face-first into the sand below him. Sa'luk lifts his head up shortly after his impact.  
"That was a cheap shot! Couldn't you have given me a heads-up first before you did that?!"  
"Hey, I didn't expect the same from you. All's fair in love and war, Sa'luk."  
"Don't think this is over! You'll never find the Guy and stop his plan to obtain the Hand of Midas which has the ability to turn anything it touches into solid gold! But I shouldn't have told you that."  
Greed begins to overtake Donald. "Hand of Midas?! Solid gold?! Where the flock is it?!"  
"You didn't see anything! Come, Genie!"  
Sa'luk digs underground (taking the Genie with him) and burrows away like a mad Chinese gopher, leaving a distinctive elevated trail in his wake.  
"Guess we'll have to go follow him," Sora concludes. The voice of an Agrabah Guard echoes from behind them.  
"Stop! Vandals!"  
The Gaang turns around and finds a large number of Agrabah guards pursuing them, accompanied by some Heartless.  
"The Sultan hired the Heartless to capture us," Aaddin deduces.  
"That douchebag," Buzz exclaims. "Sora, we'd better leave! Given how corrupt the Sultan is, there's no telling who he'll hire next!"  
Scrooge begins to sing. "Tires, tires, beautiful tires!"

The Gaang high-tails it out of there and follows Sa'luk's trail. Finally losing their pursuers after half an hour of running, they reach the Vanishing Isle, a great marble fortress built on the back of a gigantic island shaped like an undersea turtle. All of them gaze at it with wonder. Donald points at it.  
"What is that?!"  
Buzz is checking up on the matter. "According to my virtual tourist's guide of Agrabah, this is the Vanishing Isle, named due to its tendency to sink and rise unpredictably."  
"I guess they don't call this the Danish Idol for nothing," Scrooge gravely states. "Keep bells on your toes, everyone!"  
"I just hope the Genie's alright, wherever he is," Aladdin worries.

Meanwhile, inside the giant fortress, the Genie floats before a giant crowd of tough-looking hooligans and talks down on them with clarity, doing his best Laurence Fishburne impersonation.  
"Dirty criminals, hear me! It is true what The Sultan has told you. Sora has gathered a posse, and as I speak, that posse is drawing nearer to the castle. Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we just hold hands and think happy thoughts, we will send a message to that army. Okay, I was just kidding about that holding hands thing, but all joking aside, we will shake this cave! We will tremble these halls of earth, steel and stone! We will be heard from red core to black sky! We... will... get... _jiggy with it!_"  
Colored strobe lights flash all over the castle as "I Like to Move It" by Reel 2 Real plays at full blast on a fuzzy surround sound system. The Genie, who begins dancing wildly to the garglamesh, is unaware of the annoyance of the criminals, who are all covering their ears. The music is halted by the arrival of the Gaang, who simply bust through the front door, weapons ready. The Genie, unaware that the music has stopped, continues to dance like an imbecile.  
"They'll party, they're gonna! Gonna par-tay! Gonna par-tay! Help me! I can't stop myself! Somebody rub the lamp! Somebody rub the lamp! All o' yallz know I feel it!"  
The Genie finally notices the awkward looks he's getting from everyone else and immediately ceases his dancing.  
"That's enough," the Genie says, embarassed.  
"What the flock are we missing?" flabbergastedly asks Donald.  
The Genie figures it'd be best to make the Gaang feel at home despite the crowd of criminals.  
"Oh, hey there, thanks for stopping by. Criminals, Sora and gang. Sora and gang, criminals. The Sultan told each and every single one of Agrabah's criminals that they would be released from their sentences early if they could capture you. He even bribed me with half of the bounty on your heads if I helped! Isn't that just wonderful?!"  
Aladdin is understandably upset by the Genie's betrayal. "Genie, you traitor!"  
"That's _The_ Genie Traitor to you, you princely little criminal, you!"  
"Shut up, Genie," commands Donald. The Genie can only give a dejected "Awww..." in response.  
Sora, by now, is more than itching to get this overwith so they can all punish the Genie.  
"No one betrays Sora and lives to tell about it! Donald, do your thing."  
Donald, knowing exactly what he's talking about, leaps forward and does a weird dance, which, at first glance, doe nothing but get odd looks from everyone else in the area. The Genie scratches his head in utter confusion.  
"Just what in the name of Allah is he doing?"  
Donald answers to the Genie's ultimate displeasure. "A distraction! Onel yaj!" Donald lifts his glowing staff over his head.  
In a pink cloud of smoke, all the criminals in the vicinity have been turned into defenseless bobblehead versions of themselves. The Genie is now minionless and is getting a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.  
"Shall we proceed, my cold-hearted friends?" asks Buzz of his companions. "With pleasure." confirms Aladdin, as they all advance slowly towards the profusely sweating Genie. Suddenly, the Genie remembers something.  
"Wait a minute! How could I forget?! I'm an all-powerful omnivorous being! I have the power to change my own luck! Like this!  
The Genie snaps his fingers just as the Gaang begins charging at him. The whole fortress begins shake, rattle and roll.  
"What's going on?!" asks Goofy, yelling over the rumbling.  
"The whole place is sinking!" confirms Buzz. "The Genie must be planning to take us all down with it!"  
"But I thought genies couldn't kill people!" Donald remembers.  
The Genie dances triumphantly. "And that's why I just love loopholes! I can get away with anything if I think hard enough! And to screw the rules even further, I think I'll have one of my buddies turn you into something that'll look just lovely in The Sultan's living spaces! Oh, _Saaaa_'luuuuuk!"  
With a snap of the Genie's fingers, Sa'luk materializes in front of the Genie, carrying with him a golden hand-shaped object with a wooden handle. Sa'luk energetically pulls off lame karate poses and makes weird ninja noises, once again filling the Gaang with annoyance.  
"Well look who it is." remarks Sora. "It's Jesse Ventura with mental problems. How's that?"  
"That sounds just about right." decides Goofy.  
"_Shut up!_" barks Sa'luk. "I now have the Hand of Midas, and I will use it to turn all of you into gold statues, and then go those statues to The Sultan, who will undoubtedly be so pleased with me that he will give me twice the bounty! But I shouldn't have told you that. Now for the golden pleasure of puncturing your innards with the heavy might of... Sa'luk! Wa-cha-chow!"  
"Yes... Go for it, Sa'luk," urges the Genie. "Eye of the tiger! Hadoken! Paper covers rock, but paper can't stop rocks! _It makes no sense!!_"  
Ignoring the Genie's irrelevent ramblings, Sa'luk continues to pose and jump around like a fool. While attempting to juggle the Hand of Midas, Sa'luk fumbles and grabs the golden hand instead of the handle. Sa'luk's body is slowly engulfed in gold, starting at his arm. Sa'luk desperately calls out as his torso is turned to solid gold.  
"No! Wait! Our families will bury yooooouuu..."  
With these last few words, Sa'luk is completely encased in cold, unfeeling gold, allowing the Gaang to critique the resulting statue.  
"Y'know, that's a pretty sweet pose right there," states Sora. "It's really got that Statue of Liberty feel to it."  
Buzz gives his opinion. "Yeah, and his expression truly recalls the ferocity of the great King Leonidus."  
Goofy steps in. "Guys, I don't really wanna butt in here, but-" Goofy is interrupted by a frantic Donald.  
"_THE WHOLE PLACE IS SINKING!!_"  
"Oh, right." Sora turns to the Genie, who is backing away nervously. "Genie, take us and the statue back to the Palace. We can win over The Sultan and maybe some hot chicks with this thing."  
"No way, man! I'm turning you in for that bounty, and I'm getting the credit!"  
"Whatever you say, Toolshed."  
"D'oh..."

"Sora, I am so pleased that you took the trouble of making this solid gold statue for me and arresting the Genie for no reason. It completely overrides the fact that you made a gigantic hole in my beautiful ROOOOOF!!! I hereby lift the bounty off your heads."  
The members of the Gaang are quite proud of themselves after hearing this from The Sultan, and they have learned a very valuable lesson from all this: you can win over any corrupt politician with enough bling.  
"No prob, Sultan." remarks Sora. A little mistake on his part.  
"It's _THE_ Sultan!!" yells The Sultan.  
"Oh, sorry. Anyway, why don't you let us fix that roof for you. Oh GEEE-niiie!"  
The Genie appears in a particularly pathetic puff of smoke. He is in numerous types of bondage and is understandably sporting a forlorn look on his face.  
"Yes, Master?" the Genie says in a depressed, monotone voice.  
"Genie," The Sultan commands. "Fix that hole in my ROOOOOF for me, please? And while you're at it, give me a buch of futuristic gadgets and accessories that I've undoubtedly never heard of yet."  
With thinly-veiled sarcasm in his voice, the Genie complies. "Yes, O Ruler of the Universe."  
The Genie points at the desecrated Palace and fires off a single lightning bolt straight at it. Upon contact, not only does the hole in the roof disappear, but the Palace is decked out in numerous modern accessories, including a satellite dish, a swimming pool, and five types of dinner forks among other things. Suddenly, a large Keyhole-shaped glow radiates from the Palace roof, perplexing the Genie. "Huh. That wasn't in the job description." As the Genie wonders whether his magic is failing him again, Sora's Keyblade inexplicably takes a life of its own, pointing at the roof and firing off a small ray of light. As the sound of a lock undoing itself emanates through the air, the Keyhole disappears with a bright flash. To the Gaang's disappointment, nothing else happens afterward.  
"The antidote doesn't appear to be here." Buzz observes, triggering Sora's dislike for the redundant.  
"Thank you very much, Captain Obvious. Where would we ever be without you?"  
"A lot better off, that's for sure." Donald answers.  
As the Gaang gets ready to leave the Palace grounds, a voice shouts from the Palace's newly-repaired roof.  
"_SILENCE!!_"  
Everyone present looks at the Palace roof to find a cloaked figure standing on it. They suddenly remember him as the Guy that attacked them earlier.  
"No way! I totally forgot about that Guy!" Sora claims.  
The Guy decides to skip the formalities. "Now to reveal who I really am!" He lifts his hood, revealing himself to be none other than The Peddler, filling everyone with even more feelings of shock.  
"That's right! I... am The Peddler! And I..." The Peddler points at Aladdin. "...am your uncle!"  
Aladdin is naturally incredulous. "What?! No way! That can't be possible!"  
"Search your feelings! You know it be true!" assures The Peddler  
"No. I don't." Aladdin says with a more skeptical tone. "There's no way _you_ can be my uncle. No... effing... way. I mean... I barely even know you!"  
"Silence!! Now, to take what is rightfully mine! I shall use the Hand of Midas to reward myself with bountiful riches and surround myself with beautiful solid gold naked women! Chaaarge!"  
The Peddler leaps from the roof and charges towards Sora, who is holding the Hand of Midas. Sora and the Peddler struggle furiously for the possession of the Hand.  
"Gimme that! Must... have... naked... gold... women!" rasps The Peddler lustfully.  
"Gimme gimme... never gets!" Sora retorts. He eventually gains the upper hand and chucks the Hand at the Palace, out of The Peddler's reach. The entire Palace turns into solid gold, inside and out. The Peddler is distressed, his hopes and dreams taken from him.  
"Nooo!! My perverted sexual fantasies... gone..."  
Donald Duck, with one of his ever-powerful legs, literally kicks The Peddler out of the Palace garden and into the horizon.  
"Well, that takes care of that problem." decides Sora, trying to calm everyone down from the fiasco. He turns to The Sultan "Right, Sultan? Sultan?" Sora sees that The Sultan is equally distressed by the sight of his beloved Palace, everything inside turned to valuable but inedible gold. He turns to Sora, shaking with rage.  
"You... **INGRATES!!** Look at what you've done to my beautiful Palace!! Everything's solid gold!! This is outrageous!! How am I supposed to eat butter made out of gold?! How, I ask you! And how am I supposed to witness the intoxication of Inuit teenagers with a solid gold TV screen?! It just doesn't make sense!"  
Sora struggles to come up with an answer "Uh... uh... with the power of imagination?" The Sultan, however, has had enough.  
"That's _it!!_ You've really crossed the line now, you contemptible corpuscles! You are hereby wanted criminals again! And this time, I'm setting the bounty at four times its original size! Guards, seize them!! I want his heart!!"  
"Guys, let's get outta here."  
"Wolves are after my medication!" Scrooge cries in response.

Sora and the Gaang hightail it out of Agrabah, and flee towards the Gummi Ship in hopes of living to see more worlds.


	4. Episode 4: Hawaiian Pawnch

In the Gummi Ship, the Gaang fly through space and discuss their recent run-in with the law. Sora is the first to voice his opinion.  
"Okay. Not to be a prude, but that adventure in Agrabah was not was I was expecting. That Sultan was such a prick! Is it just me or do all figures of authority live to make our lives a living hell?  
"Yeah, seriously." Donald agrees "What the flock's with that?" This irritates Sora.  
"Could you stop saying 'flock' already?! It stopped being funny a chapter ago!"  
"Aw-"  
"That's getting old too! Say! I've got an idea! Let's play the Quiet Game! The rules are that I choose one of you at random to be quiet for as long as possible while I fly this thing to Hawaii and get myself some fresh saketinis. Donald, since your voice is the most annoying, you go first, startiiing..."  
Donald tries to talk some sense into Sora (if one can call grating quacks talking). "But Sora! You're under-"  
"_NOW!_"  
Donald, not the kind to lose a game (even if it's being held against his will), immediately shuts his beak, filling the Gummi Ship with an eerie silence. Sora, feeling an increasing sense of ease and comfort, decides to ask the others about their stance on this.  
"So, whadd'ya think?"  
"It's as if somebody stopped ear-raping me and gave me an ice cream sandwich!" Goofy says joyously  
"According to my calculations, this 'Quiet Game' idea of yours has increased my lifespan by 4.2 years!" Buzz concludes.  
"I can smell again!" Scrooge shouts triumphantly.

As Donald begins feeling sorry for himself, the Gummi Ship lands on a Hawaiian beach. Sora steps out, suddenly donning sunglasses, an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, and red/yellow shorts. The rest of the Gaang steps out wearing their normal attires. Goofy isn't really jealous, but would still like to figure this out.  
"Hey, Sora. How come we don't get sexy Hawaiian stuff like you do?"  
"Because Tetsuya's not a zoophile." Sora responds quite frankly. This only serves to confuse the uneducated Goofy.  
"Who?"  
"Never mind. Anyway, just keep it cool and we might not royally offend someone this time."  
Sora makes his way towards a stand labeled 'Kiki's Joint', with the others following a short distance behind. Sora slaps the counter a few times before making his order to the attractive teenage girl behind it, most likely Kiki. He talks to her as if he was trying to hit on her.

"'Ey, shopkeep. Two saketinis, on the rocks, and I mean ice."  
Kiki's no fool; she attempts to cite out Sora's young age. "But sir, aren't you a little-"  
Sora ups the 'Flirtation Meter' with this one. "Listen, hot stuff. I'm a Keybearer, and where I come from, it takes only a 14-year-old kid with ridiculous spiky hair to save the world. Now are you gonna get me what I want, or do I have to take..." Sora raises both eyebrows with each following word "...drastic measures?"  
The barkeep just can't win against these charms. She blushes intensely and dazedly gets to work on his order. An impressed Goofy walks up to Sora.  
"Gee, Sora. I didn't know you could be such a hit with the ladies."  
"Well now you know. With all the yaoi floating around, I gotta keep my image up."  
"The what?"  
Buzz, pitying Goofy's naivete, walks up to him.  
"Don't worry about it, Goofy. It's too much for a person who can't break the fourth wall like you to understand."  
"Break the what?"  
"Exactly."  
The bartender arrives with Sora's saketinis. Sora is quick to chug these down, and at the same time at that. As Sora gives off a quiet belch, an off-key electric guitar solo emanates from a distance. Sora and the others turn to see a small Hawaiian girl, named Lilo, apparently coaching a small blue creature dressed like Elvis Presley, named Stitch, on how to properly play a guitar, with little success.  
"No, Stitch! Elvis played squeedleys, not meedleys!"  
As Sora recognizes Stitch from his previous game, he alerts the others. "Look, it's Meat Shield! I mean Stitch!"  
Stitch becomes aware of Sora's presence by the sound of his voice, and doesn't look all that happy. He chucks his guitar to the side and charges towards Sora, snarling a number of alien-language profanities. Sora, however, is blissfully unaware of Stitch's anger and takes it that he wants to give him a hug. As if he was greeting his own pet dog, he gets down on one knee and opens his arms with a smile.  
"Look at _you!_"  
Stitch tackles Sora to the ground and begins shaking him furiously, continuing his tirade of foreign vulgarities. Sora is genuinely confused by this aggressive behavior, despite having used Stitch as an unwilling shield numerous times in the past.  
"Hey, man! Take a chill pill! We're your friends, remember?!"  
Once Sora realizes that words aren't going to subdue a rampaging extraterrestrial with a limited English vocabulary, Lilo calls out for Stitch, holding a raggety George Lucas doll in her hand. Having caught his attention, Lilo chucks the doll behind her, allowing Stitch to hunt it down and gnaw the living hell out of it. Lilo walks up to Sora, who is shaken but overall unharmed. Nevertheless, he's flustered over Stitch's outburst.  
"What's _his_ problem?! Does he treat everybody who uses him as a shield like this?!"  
"No," replies Lilo. "He treats everybody who hangs around with furries like that. At least he does the last time I checked."  
Buzz is intrigued. "You do seem to know quite a bit about that animal. Do you like to hunt down intergalactic species too?"  
Lilo nods her head in denial. "No. He just my pet. My name's Lilo, by the way."  
Sora gets up off the ground and brushes himself off.  
"So are you one of those juvenile ethnic girls that travels around with an animal sidekick without adult supervision?"  
"Sometimes. My big sister's out trying to get a job, so I'm teaching Stitch how to be an Elvis impersonator so that I... I mean _we_ can rule over the little people while she's away."  
"Great minds _do_think alike," Sora thinks to himself.  
"We could use a little help though. Stitch tends to do his own thing when I ask him to play something, and he still can't tell the difference between one power chord and lighting his guitar on fire."  
Goofy's starting to get worried. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea, Sora. I may not be a smart dog, but I know what roadkill is."  
"C'mon, Goofy. When've I ever backed down from a dumb idea?"  
Buss steps in. "It worries me to say this, but I think Goofy's got a point. You should reconsider this, Sora. I think you might be getting a little-"  
Logic is once again obstructed by senility, in the form of Scrooge McDuck.  
"When I grow up, I wanna be a racecar!"  
"Guys, guys, I've got it all under control. If I can save the universe twice, I can definitely help a little girl teach a potentially unstable alien how to play rock n' roll music and take control of Hawaii. Now, let's get this overwith. I'm starting to see double."  
"I've got a bad feeling about this," mutters Buzz under his breath.

Meanwhile, back in Agrabah, The Sultan, inside his now-golden Palace, is using the Genie's mouth as a telephone. On the other end is none other than The King Mickey, who is currently preoccupied with playing with his Game Boy (who makes those anymore?). Actually, he's not really playing it so much as mindlessly pressing the buttons as quickly as possible... on the title screen.  
"It was awful, The King Mickey! Those hooligans destroyed my roof, ruined my daughter's wedding and then turned my entire Palace into solid and inedible gold! This is an outrage beyond what my heart can physically stand! I can no longer watch Inuit teenagers becoming intoxicated on my new TV and now I can't even eat my favorite ranch-flavored butter!"  
"Look, The Sultan. If it makes you feel any better, I can't watch TV either until I show Master Yen Sid how cool I am, and you know how hard that is."  
"Oh, that's terrible, my friend."  
The Sultan overhears the bloops and bleeps coming from The King Mickey's Game Boy.  
"I-Is that a Game Boy?"  
"Yeah, so?"  
"My world is centuries behind yours and even I think that's utterly primitive."  
"Sh-shut up! This is a state-of-the-art game console we're dealing with! How can you compete with an eight-kilobyte RAM and a color palette consisting of _four_ shades of gray?! That's like... more than _three_ shades! This thing is a powerhouse!"  
"The King Mickey, if you're really going to prove your coolness to Yen Sid, might I suggest playing with something more up-to-date, like a PlayStation 2 or something?"  
"Eat my shorts, dog! Quit icing my grill! I hate you and I hate the bands you like!"  
"Um... what?"  
"Peace out, mofo!"  
A flustered The King Mickey hangs up his phone, leaving The Sultan to wonder if there's some kind of magical way in which he can get his Palace returned to normal. The Genie, not wanting to do work, decides to keep his mouth shut.

Getting back to Hawaii, Sora and Stitch, having just finished their grueling and (in Sora's case) judgement-impaired guitar training, make their way towards a conveniently-placed sound system on the packed public beach. Sora pets Stitch's head as he observes the lounging crowd in front of them.  
"Alright, Stitch. Time to show these lamers what a real space alien with a guitar can do."  
As Stitch hooks up his guitar to the sound system, the rest of the Gaang run up to the two. All of them are slightly charred and heavily steaming, most likely as a result of the training session.  
"Sora, stop and listen to us for once!" pleads Buzz. "You can't do this! Stitch's guitar-playing is too dangerous to be released in a public area! Do forty-five acres of burnt rainforest mean anything to you?!"  
"I think you better do as he says, Sora," Goofy decides. "I never get what he's saying, so that means he smart."  
Proving Goofy wrong, Scrooge up and yells "Bumblebees awfully chafe my battleship, hello!" at the top of his lungs."  
"Consider yourself officially corrected, Goofy," remarks Buzz.  
"Relax, guys. If I can save the universe twice, I can definitely help a little girl teach a potentially-"  
Buzz has heard this one before. "Yes, yes, unstable aliens, rock and roll, Hawaii, but please, Sora! You're endangering countless-"  
"Now, Stitch! Play "Jordan" on Expert mode! Nothing can top that one!" Buzz's words have fallen on deaf ears.  
"Akufahtom yay-ak-eepiy!!" Stitch screams as Buzz gives earplugs to his teammates.  
"Gentlemen, it's been an honor travelling with you," he states grimly.

The members of the Gaang insert their earplugs and prepare for the worst. However, instead the maelstrom of death that they were expecting, an amazingly faithful delivery of Sora's request begins to emanate from Stitch's guitar. It doesn't take long for Stitch's hip-swinging antics to catch the attention of a few bystanders lucky enough to pass by. One bystander shouts. "Hey, everyone! That Elvis impersonator's playing a non-Elvis song, but let's cheer and dance for him for no reason!"  
"Well, if a random stranger told me to do it, then I'll do it," another bypasser decides.  
"_Zeppelin rules_," a nearby punk spontaneously cries.  
Overtime, the small audience increases in size as Stitch's performance increases in outrageousness. Halfway through the song, he begins doing all kinds of stunts, some of which consist of playing his guitar with a violin bow and even playing it with his teeth at one point. As Stitch ends his song, he takes a rubber bat out of his pocket and bites its head off, causing the already riled-up audience to go ecstatic. Sora doesn't hesitate to join in on the praise.  
"Yeah!! I forget what I've been doing the last few hours, but that Elvis impersonator rocks!"  
"You said it, kid," a bystander concurs. "Flamey-o hotman, yeah!!"

In the far reaches of space, lightyears away from all he hubbub, a trio of ominous but thankfully dormant Tripod-like robots float aimlessly within the Milky Way. Suddenly, one of the Tripods awakens. It has detected something in Earth's direction.  
"Gyrating hips located on a planet called... Earth. Immediate action is required."  
The other two tripods follow suit, awakening from their slumber with this command and following their leader to Earth, their motives at this point unknown.

Back on Earth, the audience is still cheering as Stitch smashes his guitar against the ground. Suddenly, a sound that resembles an extraterrestrial airplane rings through the sky, growing louder by the second. Before long, a child in the audience sees something entering the atmosphere. He is quick to point this out with his most endearing British accent.  
"Look, mummy! There's an aeroplane up in the sky!"  
Everyone turns their attention to the skies and see the three Tripods approaching at a frightening speed. A genre-saavy bystander begins to panic.  
"That's not an airplane, you ignorant child! Those are _space aliens! RUUUN!!!_"  
The audience does what miscellaneous people do best and scramble as the Tripods make a crash-landing. Amidst the chaos, the Tripods get up on their three legs; they all tower over the pedestrians at an imposing ten feet each. Sora can only look on in horror as the menacing extraterrestrials take in their surroundings.  
"Sweet zombie Jeebus on a pogo stick..."  
Unable to predict what the aliens are going to do next, Sora hides behind Goofy.  
"What are those things?!" he asks out loud.  
"I'm on it, I'm on it," Buzz assures, hastily checking his data logs. "According to this, these are three-of-a-kind Tripods built by the infamous mad scientist Nalk Xulk Uk. They're equipped with instantaneously-disintegrating Heat Rays and live on the bodily fluids of organic beings."  
This is all too much for poor innocent Goofy. "Stop it, you're scaring me!"  
Ignoring Goofy's pleas, Buzz continues to read. "And on a side note, they're also extremely... racist?"  
By this point, the Tripods have finished observing the area and are now talking amongst themselves.

"_Gyrating hips located in this area. Sensors indicate that the playing of African-American music has also been practiced here._"  
"_Disc read error. Sensors indicate that no African-Americans are located in this area. Does not compute. Press any key to restart._"  
"_Insignificant. Sensors indicate that organic beings nonetheless are located in the area. Most reasonable course of action: eliminate any and all organic beings present._"  
"_Affirmative._"

With this, the Tripods draw out the previously-mentioned Heat Rays and begin firing at the scrambling humans present. Anyone who falls victim to the weapon is instantaneously turned to ash, their clothes remaining intact. Through all this, Buzz keeps his cool, but is fully aware of the urgency of the situation.  
"This is bad, Sora. If Lilo's sister learns about this, we'll never hear the end of it!"  
"You're right, Buzz! And thankfully, I've got an idea that's so smart that it can confuse even the greatest of minds!"  
"They don't call me Tangerine Gluttons for nothing," remarks Scrooge, definitely not who Sora was talking about.  
Without warning, Sora grabs Buzz and starts pounding on the buttons on his chest. Soon enough, what could be one of the most annoying songs ever composed begins blasting from Buzz's built-in speakers.  
_"Here's how the story goes we find out/about a treasure in the Grand Line. There's no doubt./The pirate who's eye on it, he'll sing..."  
_The Tripods, unable to fathom the song's utter suckiness, begin to sputter and spark, eventually bursting into flames. One by one the Tripods fall to the sand, succumbing to the aural torture brought before them. As the song ends, one Tripod struggles to lift its head, nothing more than a sparking mess. With the last of its strength, it drones its final words.  
_"Defective performance cannot be tolerated."  
_With this, the Tripod dies. Sora puts Buzz down.  
"Well, that's not exactly what I was expecting, but at least it got the job done," Buzz remarks.  
"I like pudding, Mister Senator." Scrooge blurts out.  
Just then, a female voice calls from not too far away. "I'm back!"  
The Gaang turns to see Lilo's older sister Nani approaching. She sees the damage caused by the Tripods earlier and appears to be quite shocked.  
"What the crap! What happened here?!"  
Sora struggles to come up with an answer that won't get him beat up, but can only draw a blank. Thankfully, Buzz is here to sort things out.  
"_Dead or Alive _cosplayers with too much diplomatic immunity on their hands?"  
Surprisingly, Nani accepts the odd answer.  
"Fine by me. Anyway, I just got a new job screwing caps on artillery shells so that might keep the social worker off for a whi- what's up with him?"  
Nani attracts everyone's attention to Donald, who appears to be zoning out.

The mention of Nani's new job has aroused horrible memories in Donald's subconscious, causing him to relive all those long, tedious hours of screwing on artillery caps at the conveyor belts back in the war times, constantly bombarded by intercoms barking "_We need more shells!!_", "_I gotta have more shells!!_" and "_Faster, faster!!_", the phrases now echoing through his mind. His brain is now overcome with these painful experiences, so much that the mental note about the Quiet Game is quickly discarded just to make room for all the madness. But the brain can only take so much, and once so much becomes too much, it all just spills out.

**_"I CAN'T STAAAND IT, I CAN'T STAAAND IT!! I'M GOING MAD!! STOP, STOP, STOOOP!!!"  
_**Everybody covers their ears in pain as Donald starts babbling and flailing his arms around like a madman.  
"My ears are hurting inside!" Goofy whines.  
"I just felt my lifespan shorten by 12 years!" Buzz reports.  
"I can't feel my face!" Scrooge slurs.  
By now, Donald is rolling back and forth like a log and shouting "Heil Hitler!" in a quick and repetitive manner, just as he was forced to do 'back then'. Goofy, ever the sage, is the first to figure out the problem.  
"I think you broke something, Nani."  
Donald gets up and flails his arms some more, screaming and laughing like a maniac. Sora, doing what anyone else would do in that situation, walks up to Donald, grabs him by the shirt and slaps him across the face, bringing him back to reality.  
"Come to your senses, man! This is no time for hysterics! We've gotta pull ourselves together!"  
Donald, rubbing the sore side of his face, is now completely calm and somewhat grateful to Sora.  
"Thanks. I needed that. I lost control for a second."  
While Donald takes some deep, soothing breaths, Goofy looks around, taking in the carnage around the group.  
"So now what do we do?"  
Buzz is also aware of the destruction that mars the beach. "Somebody's has to pay for all these damages, but how are we going to decide who?"  
"I've got an idea!" Scrooge calls out.  
Sora thinks, oblivious to Scrooge.  
"I've got an idea!"  
Goofy also thinks, naturally ignorant to Scrooge (as is everyone else). This doesn't stop Scrooge, though.  
"I've got an idea!"  
"It has to be something crazy," Donald concludes.  
"I've got an idea!"  
"Eezark gnikuf," Stitch says to himself in his own unintelligible language.  
"I've go-"  
Everyone who isn't Scrooge is quite annoyed with Scrooge's persistence and they all give in.  
"_WHAT IS IT?_"  
"We'll hold a surfing contest!" Scrooge responds.  
"That's it!" Sora says, enlightened. "We'll hold a surfing contest and stall for time while we wait for someone to come along and pay for all this!"  
"And the conditions are just right, too. According to a recent radio broadcast I was listening to, there's a 10.5-magnitude earthquake occuring in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That's sure to create a wave of titanic proportions! I'm so glad you thought of it, Sora," Buzz commends.  
"Yes, I know, I'm a genius," the ever-humble Sora replies. Meanwhile, Scrooge wonders if Lilo is his mommy.

Soon after, all of the characters are on surfboards about five yards from the shore. Goofy is a little skeptical about the whole thing.  
"So lemme get this straight. How are we supposed to surf this big wave and get out alive?"  
"I don't think we will," Sora admits.  
Buzz tries his hand at lightening the mood. "Look on the bright side. We'll all have high schools named after us."  
"Hooray!" shouts Scrooge, to the displeasure of Sora.  
"Shut up, Scrooge."  
"Awww..."  
Donald sees something in the distance. "Whuh-oh. Hey, you guys! Look at where I'm pointing!"  
Donald points to the horizon, where everyone sees a gigantic wave that looks like it could easily submerge all of Hoboken. It's actually an amazing sight to behold, really. Sora talks to Donald as if this was their last moment together, which it probably will be.  
"Donald, if we live through this, I'm gonna promote you to "Over There Guy, Third Class". I don't have much time to tell you this, but you're really good at doing that "Over there!" thing."  
Donald is quite touched. "Aww, gee, Sora. I didn't know you-"  
"And it's the only thing I want coming out of your mouth from now on."  
"Awww..."  
From out of nowhere, a dented trash can with a rainbow wig on it hops into view. From out of the trash can emerges a crazed-looking albino sloth, who will act as the contest referee.  
"Alright, flocks. The three is par and the umpire touched right into the end zone. Game, set, and match. Ready, steady, GO!"  
Sora is utterly confused but still enthusiastic. "I have no clue what that guy said, but I'm guessing that means go! Let's go!"  
Everyone cheers as they paddle their way towards the upcoming wave. However, as the wave draws nearer, everyone stops and stares at the wave's true height in horror, which is taller than two Empire State Buildings stacked onto each other. Realizing their mistake, everyone turns around and high-tails towards the shore, attempting futily to outswim the wave. Sora relays the news.  
"New plan, everybody! _Swim for your lives!!_"  
"I wanna go home!" cries Goofy.  
Everyone is swept away and submerged by the colossal wave. Sora reprimands Goofy for his infantile behavior just before being swallowed.  
"_SHUT UP, GOOFYYYYYyyyyy..._"  
"_AAAAAWWWWWwwww...._"  
The Gaang is nowhere in sight as the wave prepares to submerge all of Hawaii. The Albino Sloth, who is right in front of it, slowly crouches into his trash can in a pathetic attempt to shield himself from the upcoming impact. The wave crashes down on and engulfs everything in front of it with a mighty crash, nearly wiping Hawaii off the map. Almost nothing is spared.

When the water finally recedes, the Gaang miraculously wash up on the same beach that they held their failed surfing contest. Sora, a little groggy, weakly gets up and climbs to his feet. He calls out for any survivors.  
"Anyone who's not dead, say 'Aye'."  
The other members of the Gaang emerge, including Lilo and Stitch. Nani is nowhere to be found.  
Donald: "Aye."  
Goofy: "Aye."  
Buzz: "Aye."  
Lilo: "Aye."  
Stitch: "Aye."  
Scrooge: "Pie!"  
"Good enough," Sora replies.  
Sora takes this time to observe his surroundings. The whole vicinity is submerged in ankle-deep saltwater, and there's toppled palm trees and bits of wood everywhere. The broken Tripods are lying in the same place they were before. The only structure that seems to be standing is Kiki's Joint in the distance. Sora can't help but be a little disappointed.  
"Well, that was a waste of time. You'd think someone would notice all this carnage and fixed everything for us by now."  
"I guess Hawaiians are just used to unearthly chaos that way," Goofy decides.  
"How depressing. I'm gonna go get some more saketinis."  
Donald once again tries to talk some sense into Sora. "But Sora! You're below the leg-"  
Donald is interrupted by what sounds like a "_shoomp_" noise coming from behind them. The Gaang turns around to see Cap'n Gantu holding up a full, squirming net containing what can be assumed to be Lilo and Stitch. Maleficent is standing right beside him, looking quite proud.  
"Excellent work, Cap'n. With the girl and the alien captured, I just might stop calling you 'Cap'n'."  
"Really?"  
"No!"  
"Awww."  
"You!" Sora calls out.  
"That's right, you impudent brat! Mercedes-Benz has informed me of your whereabouts, and I came as soon as I could. Now, with these two at tow, my income will rise to extraordinary levels! Even more so when we dispose of you!"  
Maleficent turns and opens up a dark portal right above the broken Tripods behind them. Three Heartless appear from the portal and make themselves at home in their new mechanical vessels. The eyes of the Tripods glow a blackish-purple as they spring back to life. They speak with a distorted, more sinister voice than before.  
"_Living beings located in area. This would indicate life._"  
"_All your children are belong to us. Heartless equals very yes._"  
"_That is a good prize. Current objective: destroy!_"  
The leader Tripod begins drawing its weapons. "_A loser is you._"  
As the other Tripods draw their weapons, Maleficent gives Gantu his objective.  
"Gantu, if you help destroy these impudent fools, I really will stop calling you 'Cap'n'."  
"I'm not quite sure, Maleficent. Wouldn't _killing_ them be more effective than just _destroying_ them?"  
"_Silence!!_ If I say destroy them, then you will destroy them!! You dig, dog?!"  
"Yeah... I dig... dog..."  
"Good! Now destroy them!"  
As the Tripods and Gantu approach Sora threateningly, Goofy hides himself behind Sora, shaking in his shoes. Sora, however, appears confident.  
"Make the bad people go away, Sora!"  
"I will, Goofy. Lucky for us, we've got the secret weapon."  
Sora picks up Buzz once again. Right when he does this, Gantu and the Tripods stop dead in their tracks, angering Maleficent.  
"Why are you just standing there, you fools?! Destroy them!"  
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Maleficent," Gantu says apologetically. "The Action Genre Handbook clearly states that when an opponent is preparing a special attack, it is considered honorable to just stand there in utter horror as the opponent's true power is revealed."  
"_It is true._"  
"Honor? _Honor?!_ What do you think this is, the Fire Nation?! We Mercedes-Benz folk do not have honor! That is why we're the scourge of the automobile industry! We'd be pure scum! Seriously... honor... what a load of-"  
Without warning, Sora pounds Buzz's chest, unleashing the same lyrical train wreck as before.  
"..._Zolo, he's a samurai/and an L-A-D-Y, Nami's not shy..._"  
Maleficent and Gantu cover their ears in pain. In doing so, Gantu is forced to drop the net he was carrying, inadvertently setting Lilo and Stitch free. The two, with ears covered, immediately run away, crying out "Sanctuary, sanctuary!!" as they escape from the torment.  
"Just what is that infernal racket?!" Maleficent shouts out over the noise.  
"I have no clue, Your Honor!" Gantu responds. "But it's driving your Heartless ragged!"  
True enough, the possessed Tripods once again begin to short-circuit, forcing the Heartless inside to flee from their vessels screaming in terror. The now-lifeless Tripods flop into the ground as the Heartless disappear into darkness. As the song ends, Maleficent looks down at the fallen Tripods with immeasurable fury.  
"You sorry little _ingrates!!_" she shouts. "That's it! No joining in the evil group laugh for a _month_!!"  
She turns towards Gantu.  
"This is all your fault, Gantu! You're just about as uncool as Sora is! Begone with you!"  
Maleficent dramatically raises her arms up into the air. Gantu is suddenly sent flying far into the ocean by an unseen force. He is immediately swarmed by great white sharks and electric eels upon landing. Maleficent turns to Sora and the Gaang.  
"This isn't over, Mickey McUncool Pants! Mercedes-Benz will take you down one day! I swear it!"  
Maleficent opens up another dark portal and backs away into it, taking the broken Tripods with her. The dark portal disappears as she fully fades away. Sora is pretty ticked off now that his coolness has once again been questioned.  
"I don't get it! Why does everybody think I'm not cool?!"  
Goofy attempts to console Sora the only way he knows how: sucking up. "Don't worry, Sora. You're lots cool!"  
"Thank you, Goofy. You truly are the expert on all that is cool."  
"Really?"  
"No."  
"Awww..."  
Donald sees something shiny in the distance. "Sora, look!"  
Donald turns Sora's attention to the large Keyhole-shaped glow radiating on the side of Kiki's Joint, the only thing still standing after the wave. Sora's Keyblade once again takes a life of its own, pointing at the stand and firing off a small ray of light. As the sound of a lock undoing itself emanates through the air, the Keyhole disappears with a bright flash. Nothing happens afterward, signifying the absence of the antidote they're searching for. Sora is naturally let down.  
"Well, still no antidote, but all this disappointment is making me thirsty. I wonder if that hot barkeep is still around..."

Sora runs up to Kiki's stand and is glad to see that she's still here after all the unadulterated chaos Hawaii's been through. Sora takes care to get back into "Flirty Mode".  
"'Ey there, hot stuff. Four saketinis, on the-"  
Seems Kiki planned ahead. She sets down Sora's order before he can even finish.  
"Already got them, sir!"  
Sora gets to chugging down his drinks as the rest of the Gaang runs up to him. Donald, being neglected all day, is the one to approach him. Sora turns around to make eye contact with him.  
"Oh, hi, Donald. Say, umm, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier?"  
Donald, though a little late, finally gets to tell Sora what he's been trying to tell him all this time: "_You're underage!_"  
"Oh. Uh oh..."


	5. Episode 5: Life's a Peach

Somewhere in space, the Gummi Ship swerves aimlessly around the stars. The pilot of this Ship, an inebriated Sora, is thoughtlessly steering the craft with Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" playing on the radio while the others stand behind him. Donald is quite annoyed by the whole situation.  
"Alright, who's bright idea was it to let Sora drive?"  
"It was mine!" blurts Scrooge cheerfully.  
"That's it, Scrooge! No more food for a month! Go to your closet!"  
"Okay..."  
Like a punished child, Scrooge woefully locks himself up in the Gummi Ship's broom closet, out of sight and out of mind from everyone else.  
"Whaddya suppose we do now?!" asks a worried Goofy.  
"Maybe I should go talk to him," says Buzz, mustering up courage.  
"Are you sure it's safe?" asks Donald.  
"Donald, when you've been to as much Star Trek conventions as I have, you naturally lose the ability to recognize the dangers of trying to negotiate with a common sense-impaired teenager. Now, I bid you all good day."  
Buzz gives Donald and Goofy the Vulcan salute as he walks toward the cockpit, leaving the amazed Donald and Goofy to talk amongst themselves.  
"Wow! Buzz is actually gonna do something!" remarks Goofy.  
"I know. Now if only we could get Scrooge to do something for once..." says Donald.  
Scrooge's voice, slightly muffled, emanates from the broom closet. "I know! I could-"  
"Shut up, Scrooge!" interrupts Donald.  
"Awww..."  
Buzz seats himself into the passenger's side of the Gummi Ship cockpit and prepares himself for reasoning with Sora, who is still driving like a deranged chimpanzee.  
"Sora, are you alright?"  
Sora cocks his head towards Buzz, slurring his words as he speaks.  
"I don't even know- I don't even know what you're promblem is, man! I've never felt better!"  
Without warning, Sora vomits all over Buzz, who is thankful he's got his suit to protect him from actually feeling any of it.  
"Okay, _now_ I've never felt better," Sora states, correcting himself.  
"Look, maybe you should slow down a little," says Buzz, wiping fresh vomit off his space helmet.  
"W-Why should we? We're mak-we're making great time!"  
"We're not even on the World Map."  
"What?"  
"I said we're not even on the World Map!"  
"World Maps? Riku, uh, Mickey, Buzz, where we're going, we don't need no stinking World Maps! You can take our lives, but you can never take our freedom! Viva la Makeout Paradise!"  
As this point it has become abundantly clear that Sora is in no condition to be driving at the moment.  
"That's it. Give me the wheel!"  
"Go to hell!!"  
Buzz grabs the wheel, but Sora isn't willing to give up control so easily. The resulting struggle causes the Gummi Ship to fly out of control, performing loop-de-loops, corkscrews, and donuts among other things. Just as Sora and Buzz stoop to fist-fighting, the Gummi Ship crashes into something, sending everyone in the Ship flying forwards and crashing Scrooge through the broom closet door. Everyone struggles to get up as they get their bearings straight.  
"What was that?!" Goofy asks confoundedly.  
"I dunno," Donald replies. "But it'd be really great if it didn't happen again."  
"Well, no way of figuring it out just standing here," Buzz decides. "Let's get out of this Ship and find out where we are."  
"Yay!! Adventuuure!!" Scrooge shouts gleefully.  
"Yeah... adventure..." Sora groans. "And hopefully some aspirin..."

The Gaang exits the Gummi Ship to discover that the Ship has implanted itself into a gigantic, round, fuzzy and peach-colored object floating guidelessly in the middle of the ocean. The Gaang looks around, observing the endless ocean that lies before them. They are all quite confused at this point.  
"Well, this is stupid. How did we end up in the middle of the ocean?!" a frustrated Sora asks.  
Donald tugs at Sora's shirt. "Uh... Sora..."  
Donald points to the strange insect-like figures staring at them and the Gummi Ship. Making up the group is a cigar-chewing Centipede, a black-and-white-striped Spider, a quite old and quite green Grasshopper, a motherly-looking Ladybug and a very depressed Earthworm. Sora is unsure of how to go about striking up a conversation with such odd creatures, creating an overbearing air of awkwardness.  
"Uh... hi?"  
"Did you guys crash your Gummi Ship too?" Goofy asks of the giant insects. Donald, ticked by the stupidity of Goofy's question, takes it out on Goofy's foot by whacking it with his staff. After letting Goofy hop around in pain for a few seconds, he finishes him off by giving him a whack behind his head, knocking him face-first into the peach under their feet.  
"As a matter of fact, no." the Grasshopper responds, ignoring all the madness. "We're simply a group of mutated insects living on a magically-enlarged peach travelling to New York City in search of fulfilling our own selfish dreams and ambitions."  
"That sounds perfectly normal," Sora decides. "Anyway, we should probably find a way to pry our Gummi Ship out of this thing. We've got worlds to destroy. Have any of you guys seen any?"  
"No..." the Earthworm drones drearily. "Unless if the last of my will to live is a world."  
The Centipede, for a reason not immediately clear, grabs the Earthworm by the tail, swings him around a few times and chucks him into the ocean.  
"That oughta teach ya to say something depressing!" the Centipede shouts out.  
"Uh, Centipede..." the Grasshopper says, directing the Centipede's attention to behind them. The Centipede sees that the Earthworm is inexplicably back on the peach, looking down as ever. "Ta daaa..." he moans.  
"How did you get here?!" the Centipede asks, just as confused as everyone else. Of course, Buzz has it all figured out.  
"I'll be the answer to that, my hip young parson. You see, when a mom earthworm and a dad earthworm love each other very much, they-"  
"No, you dillhole!" the Centipede interrupts. "I mean how did he get back up here?!"  
"Oh, that. Well, it seems that NPCs can't die in this world. It just isn't necessary for the progression of the story."  
"Yeah, well, how do you explain that?" the Centipede says, turning Buzz's attention towards where the Gummi Ship is implanted. There is a small human arm sticking out from under the ship. Buzz winces in disgust, as if there was a big ugly bug splattered on the windshield.  
"Ew! What's that implanted into our grill?"  
"Oh, that's just James," the Spider says in a charming Russian accent. "You must've killed him when you drove your ship into our peach."  
"Oh, okay. So... that kinda throws in a contradiction to my theory, does it?"  
"Yes it does, my idiotic friend," the Grasshopper says quite frankly. "So, as punishment for breaking one of the laws of our lovely universe, you're going to help us-"  
"What?!" a shocked Buzz blurts out. "But I wasn't even the one driving! It was Sora!"  
"Oh, alright. You _and_ Sora will help us dump peach innards into this ocean. We don't want any sharks underwater to be eating up our ship, now do we?"  
"No, your Majesty," Sora and Buzz say in unison in a submissive, monotone manner. This cheers the Grasshopper up some.  
"Good! Now go get to work, my loyal biscuits!"  
Buzz and Sora obediently get on their knees and begin digging a hole into the peach. Buzz Lightyear looks at Sora vengefully, knowing he was the one who got them into this mess.  
"You're _so_ cleaning the head when we get done here."  
Sora, frustrated enough as it is, punches Buzz's space helmet, shattering it significantally. Buzz, not the one to open his space helmet on an uncharted planet, assumes that the air is made of acid and does what he was trained to do on such an occasion: go into a seizure and gasp for actual air until he realizes that the air is safe to breathe. Having been made a fool of by Sora of all people, Buzz decides to get the job done whilst screwing with Sora by shoveling half of the peach innards he digs up into Sora's face. Sora does the same thing just to make it fair.

After about fifteen minutes, Buzz and Sora return to the Grasshopper, both drenched in peach innards.  
"Your will is done, your Highness," Buzz relays with grandeur.  
"Excellent!" the overjoyed Grasshopper shouts. "Simply fantacular! Perhaps you're not as American as I thought you were! Good show, my boy!"  
"Yeah. Thanks for that," Sora replies, rather tired out.  
"Will you dimblits be quiet?!" the Centipede commands. "I think I hear something!"  
Everyone goes quiet as a low growling noise emanates from the ocean. The Centipede is getting pretty worried.  
"Earthworm, please tell me that's your stomach."  
"I don't deserve to eat food anymore," the Earthworm whines. This earns him another chuck into the ocean by the irritated Centipede.  
"Centipede, stop killing the Earthworm and come over here!" the Spider calls.  
The Centipede promptly approaches the edge of the peach, where everyone is staring at a whirlpool not too far away. A group of salmon is flailing frantically around in it.  
"It's a school of salmon," the Grasshopper deduces. "They seem to be being sucked into some kind of contraption."  
"Whaddya think it is?" Sora asks of the Grasshopper.  
"Why are you asking me?! I'm a grasshopper, not a rocket scientist!"  
To answer Sora's question, a shark-shaped automaton that looks like it came straight out of a steampunk manga emerges from the whirlpool, consuming each and every salmon in it. A port opens up on its back and spits out plates filled to the brim with pink-colored churros.  
"It's a salmon churro machine!!" a terrified Sora cries out.  
As the whirlpool disappears, the shark-like salmon churro machine extends its tail and begins swimming threateningly towards the peach.  
"We're never gonna get outta here!," the Centipede cries hopelessly. "Doomed!! We're doomed!! We're all dead!"  
"Why aren't I dead yet?" the Earthworm asks woefully, suddenly back on the peach.  
"Will all of you be quiet?!" Sora shouts. "I'm trying to think of something! Uh..."  
Sora looks around and tries to find a way to solve this mess. He sees an enormous flock of seagulls flying overhead.  
"I got it! Centipede, you use the Earthworm as bait for those seagulls up there, and the Spider chick over there can make some kind of net or something to catch them. As for me..."  
Sora runs over to the Gummi Ship and hops into the cockpit. He turns on the engine and floors it in reverse, not minding the strange noises the engine is making. The Gummi Ship pulls itself out of the peach and begins sputtering uncontrollably. The Gaang runs over to the side of the peach, angered by their apparent abandonment by Sora.  
"Sora, what are you doing?!" Buzz yells.  
Sora tries to come up with an excuse. "Uh... _not_ leaving you all to fend off that shark while I make a break for it?" Mission failed.  
"Sora, get back down here right now and help us!" Donald commands. "We can't do all this without you!"  
"What're you talking about, Donald? You seem to be doing fine to me." Sora observes. To prove his point, the seagulls are already trapped in the Spider's web, but Scrooge is stuck inside with them.  
"_Let my people goooo_!" Scrooge cries out in defiance.  
"Huh. I guess that is pretty efficient," Buzz remarks, slightly amused by Scrooge's imprisonment.  
Interrupting this moment of amusement is the sound of something penetrating the peach. The Gaang run over to the side of the peach to find that the salmon churro machine has shot a harpoon on a wire from its mouth, attaching itself to the peach and keeping it from escaping.  
"Wait, Sora! That Gummi Ship's been inside a peach all day! The effects of peach innards on the Gummi Ship's engine are unpredictable!"  
Sora is unconvinced. "Relax, Buzz. It doesn't seem that ba-"  
Without warning, loud sputtering noises explode from the Gummi Ship's juiced-up engine. The Gummi Ship spins in place and goes flying around the vicinity in an erratic fashion, with a trapped Sora screaming for help in the cockpit. After a while, the Gummi Ship jams itself into the mechanical shark's mouth, interfering with the machinery that makes the thing tick. In its death throes, it sparks violently, bursts into flames and explodes, propelling the malfunctioning Gummi Ship into the air. The Ladybug looks upwards a little too late as gravity brings the Gummi Ship plummeting towards the peach.  
"Oh, fu-"  
The Ladybug's lone line in this fanfiction is interrupted by the Gummi Ship crushing her with its grill, re-implanting itself into the peach. A woozy Sora staggers out of the Gummi Ship and promptly empties the contents of his stomach into the ocean.  
"Well, uh... that's one way to get rid of a salmon churro machine on your tail." Buzz concludes.  
"That's not all!" Goofy includes. "We got the seagulls all set up!"  
True enough, the seagulls captured by the Gaang, attached to the peach's stem by the Spider's web, are flying and hoisting the entire peach up into the sky as they speak.  
"Time for us to smash into little bits!" declares Scrooge, having freed himself from the web a while ago.  
"Wrong, my senile friend," the Grasshopper replies. "Now is the time for us to begin our journeyto New York, where we shall fulfill the deepest wishes of our hearts, if that's what you can call them. Centipede, since you're not dead, I'm lending steering duties to you."  
"Alright, but I'd better warn you... I'm not very reliable!" the Centipede delightfully obliges.  
Nevertheless, the Centipede grabs a hold of the peach's stem and turns it towards their destination.  
"New York, heeere weeeee _COOOOO-_"

Eight seconds later...

"You incompetant, American _twat!!_ Look at where we are now! We're probably somewhere near _Greenland_ by now and it's _entirely your fault!!_"  
"Hey, hey, hey! Look who's talking, '_ass_-hopper'! You're the one who let me steer! If you ask me, it's your fault!"  
"It's never my fault! _Nothing's_ my fault! Do you want to know why?! Because I'm _British!_ And as a British person, I'm much more civilized than you American pie-nuts-faces!"  
The Earthworm checks up on the irate Grasshopper and Centipede. "Don't get me wrong, but are you two inquiring a challenge?"  
"_Shut up, Earthworm!_" they yell in unison.  
"Ohhh..."  
The Grasshopper and the Centipede walk up to the rest of the group, who are faring worse than they are. They're all half-frozen with a nice whitish-blue tan and icicles coming out of their nostrils to top it off.  
"Everyone, we need your opinion," the Grasshopper announces. "Who is at fault for this predicament? Me or Centipede?"  
"Centipede," Sora, the Spider and the Earthworm say in unison. Goofy gives it a little more thought.  
"Uhh... Gee, I dunno. It's kinda both your faults."  
In a bid to make him change his mind, Donald casts a Blizzard spell on Goofy, making him colder than necessary.  
"Okay, okay, it's Centipede!" Goofy cries out to Donald's success.  
"Oh, you can all go to hell!" the infuriated Centipede condemns, chucking his hat to the ground.  
"That's funny, because we've been stuck there ever since we met you!" the Spider rebukes.  
"You make me want to eat ten sleeping pills every night instead of seven," the Earthworm adds, rubbing salt into the wound.  
"I'd chuck the Earthworm into the ocean for ya, but my arms are frozen in place," Goofy manages to say in his near-petrified state.  
Having gotten everyone's opinion, the Grasshopper relays the general consensus.  
"So it's agreed then. You, sir, are the worst Centipede ever to grace this Earth. You're the worst type of scoundrel ever to doom good people. You are what they call... a **_POOPNOSE!!!_**"  
For 400 years, the term 'poopnose' has been used as a racist slur for centipedes, so it's only natural that the Centipede is emotionally impaled by the Grasshopper's remark. Trying to garner up some manly pride, the Centipede struggles to make a comeback.  
"Yeah, well... you're a..."  
Before the Centipede can even think up his last word, the Grasshopper gives him a single, swift kick in the chin, knocking him down to the ground. The Centipede massages his newly-bruised chin in pain.  
"Ow, my chin! I need to eat toast with that!"  
The Grasshopper, of course, is unsympathetic of his plight.  
"Good. That mean's you'll never eat toast again. Disgusting little ingrate."  
Everyone walks away from Centipede to form their own little circle. The Centipede gets up on his feet and slumps over in shame. He walks in the opposite direction of the group and looks toward the frozen sea, which is starting to look pretty welcoming right now. He takes one last look at the group, sitting in a circle and talking about him.  
"Oh, do we despise that multi-armed poopnose..." the Grasshopper mutters in disdain. He turns around to find, to his displeasure, that the Centipede is still alive.  
"Damn! He's still here! Quick! Keep talking about him!"  
The Centipede now knows what they want. He runs toward the edge of the peach and leaps off, plummeting into the icy cold waters below with an audible splash. The Grasshopper, knowing exactly what this means, gets up and gives a sigh of relief.  
"It's about time. That poopnose was a real pain in the-"  
"Could you please stop saying poopnose?!" interrupts the Earthworm, of all people. "It stopped being funny a second ago!"  
"I'm not doing it to be funny, you depressing nitwit!" the Grasshopper rebukes. "I'm doing it to be racist!"  
"Well it's getting annoying, so just stop it!"  
With that, the Earthworm tail-whips the Grasshopper's legs, lowering his defense by 1 and causing him to fall over. The now-slippery surface of the peach sends the Grasshopper sliding into the ocean. Everyone is shocked by this turn of events.  
"Earthworm, you idiot!" Sora cries. "We were only supposed to kill the Centipede! This is all your fault!"  
Sora takes the Earthworm by the tail and chucks him into the ocean as others have before him.  
"You know he's just gonna come back," Donald reminds.  
"I'm aware of that. But that's not important right now! We gotta get the Grasshopper back one way or another! Spider, since you're the only one who's not dead, you're gonna help me. Is it okay if we all ride on your back?"  
The Spider, who is obviously unable to carry the weight of the entire Gaang, is hesitant.  
"I don't think you can all-"  
"Good! Come, everyone! Ride the spider!"  
With this command, Sora, Donald, Goofy, Buzz and Scrooge all hop onto the Spider's back. The Spider futily struggles to hold their weight, her legs wobbling and soon giving out. The Spider slides down the peach and into the ocean as Scrooge gives out a glee-filled "Wheeeee!!"

The ocean is cold, dark and unwelcoming, inhabited only by deep-sea fangly fishes with custom-made fishing lures and eels with mouths about ten times the size of their bodies. At the very bottom is an old pirate ship teeming with unlife. A full skeleton krew has just captured the Centipede and Grasshopper and have them trapped in seperate machines of torture. The Centipede is on some kind of extending table while the Grasshopper is tied to a large wooden target. One of the skeleton pirates unsheathes a dagger and chucks it at the target. The dagger sticks itself just three full centimeters below the Grasshopper's crotch.  
"Ow, my imaginary happy sack!" the Grasshopper yells out in imaginary pain. "I need to make imaginary children with that!"  
The offending pirate giggles sadistically as a skeleton Eskimo and a skeleton duck extend the table the Centipede is lying on. He is stretched to the point that a loud cracking noise is heard.  
"_GAAAH!!!_ My beautiful spine!! And intestines!!" the Centipede screams in _actual_ (and quite agonizing) pain.  
A hulking skeleton Viking approaches the stretched-out Centipede with a hilariously large ax, with the intent of slicing the Centipede in half. As he raises the ax over his head, the Spider, with the Gaang on top of her, lands on the Viking and botches the Centipede's execution.  
"Dammit!" Donald curses in frustration. "When are we actually gonna kill the Centipede?!"  
Just then, a familiar voice emanates from the captain's quarters.  
"What in Pete Sampras is going on here?!"  
Everyone turns their eyes toward the captain's quarters to find that Jack Skellington, dressed in drowned pirate attire, is standing at the doorway, looking quite piffed. This piffedness is replaced with surprise when he sees Sora and the others.  
"You!"  
Sora is equally surprised. "Jack?! What're _you_ doing here?!"  
"It's a long story, but I'll tell you anyway. I got tired of being a good guy, and decided to become a pirate like the rest of my family. So I met up with my old college roommates and we all went to search for the Grand Line and rule over munchkins. Unfortunately, our ship had father issues and "crashed" into an imaginary iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Now, because of our ship's low self-esteem, we're stuck here torturing random passerby. Funny, huh?"  
"Yeah, very... interesting. Look, we're just here to get the Grasshopper, so if you don't mind, we'll just take him and be on our way."  
"Not so fast, you dupliferous corpussle! I haven't killed anything in a few weeks and my patience is wearing thin! If we let you go, then... we're not the winner."  
"Do you think we care?" Donald says callously. "We're taking him!"  
"All right, tough guy! You wanna play like a munchkin, then die like one! Loyal krew, make sure these fiends die with a sword in their foreheads and left shins! Let's go get a few, men!"  
The krew growls and yells as they go after the Gaang.  
"Donald, do something!" Sora barks.  
"I'm on it, I'm on it!" Donald assures, fumbling for his staff. He raises it over his head.  
"_Stop!_"  
A bright light shines from Donald's staff and encases the krew in mystical clock-like symbols, freezing them in their tracks. The Gaang takes this time to take the target the Grasshopper is attached to and detach it from its post. The Gaang make their way back to the surface as the Stop spell on the krew wears off.  
"Uh, guys, _you forgot somebody!_" the Centipede calls out to the deaf ears of the Gaang, who don't even stop for second thoughts. The undead krew futily jump and swing their weapons at the Gaang, now several feet above them. After a while, they give up on trying to catch the long-gone Gaang and look around them for something else to do. Jack notices that the Centipede is still on the extending table.  
"Hey, everyone! They left this one behind! We can still be the winner!"  
The krew cheers as they proceed to mutilate the Centipede in a number of gruesome, sharp thing-related ways too graphic to describe here.

The Gaang, plus the Spider and the Grasshopper, emerge from the ocean and climb onto the peach.  
"We're back!" Sora calls out to Earthworm, the only one there.  
"Is the Centipede gone yet?" the Earthworm asks.  
"Yes, Earthworm. Yes he is," the Grasshopper gladly confirms. A strange smile sets in on Earthworms face.  
"I'm actually... happy!"  
"Well that's a first," the Grasshopper states. "No matter. We still need to get to New York and fulfill my... _our_ dreams and ambitions. Since that incompetant poopnose got us off-course, we'll need a new way to get there. Buzz, since you're so good at this calculating stuff, can you think of a-"  
"Way ahead of you, my friendly caeliferan. We'll need the Gummi Ship's engine if we want this peach to go fast enough to get to New York. Sora, are you ready to steer the Gummi Ship some more?"  
"No sweat, Buzz. Let me just check the time and..."  
Sora looks at his wristwatch (Never mind when he got a wristwatch. He just has it.) and is quite startled by the results.  
"Oh, crap! My favorite show's on soon! We gotta step on it!"  
Sora runs to his Gummi Ship and jumps into the cockpit. He starts the engine up and pushes the button labeled '_That_ Button', sending the Gummi Ship into hyperdrive, taking the peach towards New York at twice the speed of sound.

Soon enough, the Gummi Ship slows to normal speed and then stops only a couple thousand feet away from their destination. The Grasshopper runs over to the Gummi Ship in a hurry.  
"What happen?!"  
"Ran outta gas," Sora responds  
"Oh, that's just flocking great!" Donald shouts. "Now how are we supposed to get to New York?!"  
"Kick somebody's butt, then get some pancakes?" Scrooge guesses, with the usual absence of coherence in his thought processes.  
"No, Scrooge!" replies Donald angrily.  
"With cherry topping!"  
"But I thought you said you wanted banana," Goofy recalls.  
"Uh... pinecones?"  
Without warning, the wind picks up and it becomes eerily cloudy outside. Everyone gets on top of the peach to see what's going on.  
"What's happening?!" Goofy calls out over the increasing winds. Buzz looks at his weather schedule in confusion.  
"That's odd. The plot device storm wasn't scheduled until Tuesda-_Holy craters, what is that?!_"  
Everyone turns their attention to the rhino-shaped cloud headed in their direction. Filling the air with even more dread is the heavy downpour of rain that has begun falling.  
"Forget you Americans!" the Grasshopper proclaims. "I'm out of here!"  
The Grasshopper, hoping to escape impending doom, dashes off and jumps overboard. He lands face-first on one of the spiked rays on the Statue of Liberty's crown.  
"I can't feel my parts," the Grasshopper muffles.  
The rhino-shaped cloud inches itself toward the peach, being overall menacing. The Earthworm, knowing that certain doom is imminent, is overcome with ecstacy and looks upon the cloud with a smile.  
"Yes!! Smite me, o' mighty smiter!! Release me from the onslaught of horrible nightmarish visions I am forced to call life!!"  
"What do we do now?!" Donald asks of Sora. "We can't let the Earthworm have that satisfaction!"  
"Easy: we're gonna stop this storm somehow so that I can get to New York and watch my show!"  
Sora, without consent, picks up the Spider by the thorax with one hand and grips her abdomen tightly with the other hand.  
"We'll be needing this."  
Sora squeezes the Spider's abdomen as hard as he can, forcing every last inch of web out of her. Sora chucks the now-shriveled Spider off the peach. She lands on the Grasshopper's spine, which snaps loudly. With the Spider's web, Sora creates a lasso and manages to capture the cloud's neck in the loop, allowing him to pull it towards the peach. When the cloud is within spitting distance of the peach, Sora unsheathes his Keyblade and begins to attack the cloud. However, after only one combo, a strange, metallic crashing noise marks the immediate disappearance of the cloud, out of which a television satellite, battered and bruised from the assault, is sent flying off until it twinkles into the horizon. The ease of that whole fight confuses (and nearly disappoints) Sora.  
"Well, uh... that takes care of that problem."

In the far reaches of space, the satellite continues to fly at incredible speeds, eventually approaching the _Pirates of the Caribbean_ world, Port Royal. On the deck of the ghostly _Flying Dutchman_, Davy Jones, feeling particularly destructive today, has ordered his krew to ready the massive "Kraken's Hammer" on board.  
"Let no joyful voice be heard! Let no man look up at the sky with hope! And let this day be cursed by we who ready to wake... _THE KRA_-"  
Jones is abruptly interrupted by the ruined satellite crashing on top of him, killing him instantly. His krew members, having never seen a television satellite before, can't help but stare at the wreckage in fascination.

Back at the peach, Sora has just got done unlocking this world's Keyhole (on the Empire State Building) and is saying his farewells to the Earthworm.  
"Well, Earthworm. I guess this is where we say goodbye."  
Sora chucks his Keyblade boomerang-style towards the web attaching the seagulls to the peach, severing every last thread. The seagulls fly free while the peach plummets and falls onto the Statue of Liberty's head. There is no possible way that the Grasshopper and the Spider could possibly survive this impact.  
"You stay here and take the blame for this, all right? Good. See you later."  
Before the Earthworm can even react, Sora and Gaang run back to the Gummi Ship and hop in. Just as military helicopters start showing up, the Gummi Ship pries itself from the peach and heads for the stars, leaving the unfortunate Earthworm to fend for himself. One of the pilots speaks through a megaphone.  
"Testing. One, two, four, seven. Attention, mister... legless-type thing! You have ten seconds to remove that disgusting peach thing from the Statue of Liberty's head before we shoot these exploding missiles at you! One! Ah, screw it. Fire!"  
The helicopter launches a missile with an insane-looking face painted on it in the peach's direction. The Earthworm can only scream in terror as the missile approaches...


	6. Episode 6: Let's Get Kraken

In the far reaches of space, the Gaang go over their latest adventure in the Gummi Ship. As he is the leader, Sora begins the conversation.  
"Okay. No one knows that I defiled a timeless national landmark by dropping a ridiculously huge fruit on it, so as long as we keep our big mouths shut, we won't get into any legal trouble. Again."  
"We know that, Sora," says Donald. "It's just that... how is the Gummi Ship still flying?"  
"Yeah!" Goofy joins in. "Didn't you say the Gummi Ship was out of gas?"  
"That is what we call a 'plot hole', my canine compadre," informs Buzz.  
"I fell into a pothole once!" Scrooge remarks. "Could it be love?"  
"Scrooge," says Sora. "If that made any less sense, I bet it would make, like, a pocket universe or something with you as its king."  
As he speaks, he notices something on the Gummi Ship's rear-view mirror: an 18th-century ship sailing hot on their tail. The ship, entitled the 'HMS Endeavour', soon sides itself by the Gummi Ship. The Gaang get a good look at it and see that the ship is armed with unnecessarily numerous cannons... all of them aimed directly at the Gummi Ship.  
"What the flo-"  
Before Donald can finish his exclamation, one of the larger cannons of the vessel fires directly at the Gummi Ship, crippling it in one blow and knocking the Gaang unconscious.

Sora awakes to find himself tied up inside a jail cell in Port Royal, sharing the same cell with the rest of the Gaang, who are also constricted by rope. There is a prisoner named Old Singy in the cell to the immediate right of them, singing miserably as his name suggests.  
"_Do you remember me? How we used to be? Do you think we should be closer?_"  
There is another person, William Turner, in the cell right in front of them. He is tied up just as the Gaang is, and looks quite irritated with Old Singy's incessant singing.  
"Will you just _shut up_?! Nobody likes you!"  
Sora, glad to have found some competent company, decides to try and get Will's attention.  
"Will!"  
Sora is successful, as Will notices the Gaang immediately.  
"Sora! Donald! Goofy! And a couple of other droogs that I don't care to know about!"  
Buzz and Scrooge look at Will with disdain.  
"Sorry I didn't see you earlier. I was being too annoyed with Old Singy over there to really pay attention to anything else. How did you end up here anyhow?"  
"Not sure yet. Some ship blew us up and the next thing we know, we're here. It might have to do with when we dro-"  
Buzz butts in before Sora can absent-mindedly blurt out their involvement in the whole peach fiasco in the previous chapter.  
"Dropped an orange on its head. So what brings you here?"  
"Jaywalking," Will dryly replies. "I've been stuck in here listening to that dolt singing for nine days, and I can't take it anymore!"  
Old Singy continues to sing. "_And I put out my hand just to touch your soft hair to make sure in the darkness that you were still there, and I have to admit I was just a little afraid, oh yeah. But then..._"  
"I don't care where you touch people, just shut the bloody hell up!!!" the irate Will yells.  
Afterwards, a few moments of awkward silence sets in, broken after a while by a shout of "Millard Fillmore" by Scrooge. The jailhouse's door bursts open, allowing the captain of the Endeavour, The Lord Cutler Beckett, to walk in and open the cell holding in Sora and the Gaang. Sora is filled with hope.  
"We're free!"  
As if it was a funny joke, The Lord Cutler Beckett laughs. "My, my. So many balloons of hope for me to pop. Of course you're not free! You're due for your trial, which will determine your non-existent innocence. Come."  
Scrooge chuckles like an immature child. "He said 'come'."  
"Shut up, Scrooge," Sora responds  
Sora and the Gaang are led out of the jailhouse by Beckett, who seemingly neglects Will.  
"Wait! what about me?!" Will calls out before they leave. Beckett is made aware of Will's presence.  
"Oh, yes. You. Well, since I'm such a kind and caring tyrant, I'll let you stay here and listen to that bugger sing for a few more days instead of a few weeks. I predict this jailhouse will be pretty full in the coming days considering what I'm currently planning."  
Beckett shoves Sora and the Gaang out of the jailhouse door and slams the door behind him, leaving Will to listen to the only other prisoner sing some more.  
"_I wanna go home... take off this uniform and leave the show... but I'm waiting in this cell because-_"  
"You were littering. Now shut up!"  
"Oh... there's no room in this fan-fiction for Old Singy."  
"What?"  
"Nothing."

Sora and the Gaang are led to the witness stand of a neoclassicist courthouse, where a number of closed-minded, periwig-wearing fops have already filled the seats. As The Lord Cutler Beckett takes the judge's stand, an androgynous prosecutor skips his way into the courthouse in high heels.  
"Good morning, The Lord, Your Honour!" the prosecutor says grandly.  
"But it's two o'clock past noon," a person in the audience corrects. In response, the prosecutor leaps across the courtroom and lands on the offending audience member's head in such a way that his high heels are digging into the poor sap's eyeballs.  
"_MY EYES!!_"  
"As I was saying, the crown will plainly show the prisoners who now stand before you were caught red-handed introducing something that hasn't been invented yet into our pretty world! This will not do!"  
Sora has no idea what he's talking about. "What?! But I don't remember bringing anything normal here! In fact, I did it the last time I came here! Don't any of you remember the last game?!"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett snaps his fingers, summoning a group of additional periwig-wearing fops carrying the satellite Sora smashed up in the last chapter. It is still sparking and smoking from the attack, filling the air with a foul stench of which the fops have never smelled before. They hold their noses in disgust. Sora now gets what they're accusing him of, but continues to defend himself.  
"But... you can't prove that we did that! Where's our lawyer?!"  
"We didn't get one, Sora," Goofy answers. "You said we didn't need one."  
"Well now we need one, so let's get one!" Sora calls out to the audience in vain. "Does anyone here know how to do lawyer stuff?!"  
The courthouse door bursts open as if by deux ex machina to reveal Gibbs, a krewmate of Cap'n Jack Sparrow, looking quite hammered and slobbish as usual. The Lord Cutler Beckett is understandably repulsed.  
"What in the name of me are you doing here?!"  
"I'm just a human onion now," Gibbs slurs. "Bring on the girls!"  
"Oh, joy. Oh, rapture. You got us the local drunk for a lawyer," Buzz drones sarcastically, as if this was Sora's fault.  
"I don't even know that guy!" Sora proclaims.  
"Rain it down upon me!!" Gibbs shouts before falling flat on his face, leaving everyone to stare at his rancid-smelling body. After an awkward silence, The Lord Cutler Beckett speaks out.  
"That was a complete waste of time. Take him away!"  
"Yes, my liege," the prosecutor replies. The Lord Cutler Beckett turns his attention to Sora and the Gaang.  
"And as for you, I haven't made anyone's life miserable in a good while, and my patience is wearing thin. I hereby sentence you lot to bathroom-cleaning duties on Isle Tortuga! Have fun cleaning, lowly mortals!"  
Sora can't believe the nonsense he's hearing.  
"What?! We haven't even finished the trial yet! You can't do that!"  
"This is blasphemy, Your Honor," Buzz concurs. "This is madness!"  
"Madness?" Beckett responds. "This is Port Royal! And here, I am God! I can choose who doesn't live and who dies! Take them away!"  
Sora remains defiant. "Oh, you can kiss the fattest part of my a-_aahhh!_"  
Before Sora can finish, he and the Gaang are jerked away by two redcoats and placed in wheelbarrows to lower their resistance.

The Lord Cutler Beckett follows the redcoats as they wheel Sora and the Gaang all the way to the lawless Isle Tortuga, where they make their way to the only restroom in the area. They stop as they enter the decrepit building.  
"Drop them here, nameless redcoats," Beckett commands.  
The redcoats obediently dump Sora and the Gaang out of the wheelbarrows and untie them. The Gaang get on their feet and take a look at their surroundings. The restroom is filthy to the brim, with a running faucet spewing leftover rum into the cockroach-infested sink, its contents overflowing onto the fungus-covered floor. There are no stalls to obscure the rusted toilets, which are filled with watery brown bile. The Lord Cutler Beckett, just as repulsed to be here as everyone else is, doesn't hesitate to give Sora and the Gaang their mission.  
"Today, I want you five simpletons to clean this entire restroom. Nobody regularly cleans this place, so I want this restroom to be so clean that my wife would be proud to go in and empty her bowels."  
One of the redcoats becomes curious over that last statement. "Who would your wife happen to be, sir? I don't seem to remember you having a-"  
"If you must know, my wife is the Virgin Mary!"  
"Sir, don't you think that's a bit blasphemous, sir?"  
"Don't question The Lord Cutler Beckett's love live! For that, you'll be sentenced to five years in prison! And you will share the same cell as Old Singy!"  
"But..."  
"Take him away!"  
The offending redcoat is taken away by the other redcoat. Sora and the Gaang look on in disbelief.  
"Great!" Sora says out loud. "Another crazy king guy! That's just great! Sure, The King Mickey was an ass and that Sultan guy was a douche, but now we have to deal with some psychopathic governator who thinks he's God?! Thank you, Walt. You've sure given us an enchanted universe to live in."  
"I cut myself on my spaghetti book," Scrooge laments.  
"You lot start cleaning up this mess," The Lord Cutler Beckett commands. "If any of you decide to rebel and be subsequently massacred by yours truly, I'll be at Port Royal intoxicating Inuit adolescents."  
"And another thing," Sora adds. "What's with you corrupt politicians and Inuit teenagers? Is it some kind of fetish or something?!"  
"What we like to do with Inuit teenagers is none of your business! Now get to work! I've got a few cactuses to plant."  
And with that, The Lord Cutler Beckett leaves the restroom. Sora and the Gaang take that as their cue to start scrubbing the floor with the used toothbrushes they've been given. Sora decides to strike up a conversation to relieve some of the mundanity of the situation.  
"Y'know, Donald. Sometimes I wonder when I'll ever find the meaning of it all. Working here in this... freakishly unclean restroom."  
"Why're you asking that now?" asks a perplexed Donald. "We just got here."  
"Just trying to start a character development moment here. Tell you what. Why don't you go clean the toilets while I fish for cockroaches in the sink?"  
Donald, not wanting to do such a gross job, starts whining. "But Sora, why do I have to clean the toilets?"  
"Because your voice is annoying. Now get to it like a good... duck... type... anthro... whatever it is they call you things."  
Frustrated, Donald waddles over to the toilet grumbling to himself. "Goddurn stubborn nitwit."  
Buzz, who has just as much trouble understanding Donald as much as everyone else, falsely calls Donald out. "Hey, Donald! I always thought you were annoying, but I never thought you were racist!"  
"I said _nitwit! Nitwit!_Sheesh..."  
Donald continues to mutter to himself unintelligibly as he reaches his hand into the brown goo inside the toilet. He grabs something like a wire and pulls. What comes out is a solid-yellow eyeball attached to an extremely long eyestalk. Donald is startled by this and lets go, stumbling backwards and babbling uncontrollably. "Ba-ba-ba-baa-ba-ba-baa-ba-baa..."  
"If you're going to do your god-awful sheep impersonations, take it outside," Sora tells Donald.  
"Donald," Buzz says, feeling something under his feet. "Please tell me that underground rumbling is your stomach."  
"But Buzz, stomachs don't live underground," Goofy reveals.  
"Goofy, stop being smarter than me. Right now."  
"Aww..."  
The toilet Donald just backed away from begins to crack and spurt brown liquid in every direction. "What's happening to Johnny?" Scrooge wonders.  
"This is my worst job ever," Donald decides. The toilet explodes, coating the Gaang and almost the entire restroom with a lovely brown. Where the toilet used to be now stands a grotesque-looking Heartless that resembles a mix between a slug and a mutated frog, extra limbs included. There are small holes on its body that periodically release a foul-smelling gas into the area. The Gaang gives off mixed looks of pity and indigestion.  
"I do not care what that thing is," Sora says. "Whatever you call it, it's going to give me nightmares." Buzz ignores Sora and looks the thing up anyway.  
"According to this, it appears to be some sort of Heartless made out of excretion. It was somehow created through both the uncleanliness of this area and the incessant toilet jokes we've been making. By that logic, there's only one real solution to this mess: we need to find a better sense of humor."  
"Or we could get rid of this thing before we're sentenced to death for disorderly conduct," Sora rebukes, unsheathing his Keyblade.  
"Well I've got a better idea," Goofy comments. "We could just skedaddle outta this world and pretend we've never been here!"  
"Wow, that's way better than our ideas," Sora decides. "Let's go!"  
Just as they turn to leave, the Excretion Heartless opens its gaping maw and catches Buzz with its long, frog-like tongue, subsequently swallowing him. In response, the rest of the Gaang forget about abandoning their cleaning duties and face the beast, unsheathing their weapons.  
"You monster!!" Sora shouts. "You ate Buzz!! We need him for stuff!! You'll pay for this!!"  
Sora charges right towards the Excretion Heartless and jabs his Keyblade into its vulnerable belly.  
"You know what they say: don't _start_ nothin', won't _be_ nothin'!"  
"Yeah," Donald backs up. "And do you know what they also say? Never take any wooden nickels!"  
"I've got one," Goofy adds. "A stitch in time saves nine!"  
Scrooge's turn. "Here's another one! All toasters toast toast!"  
"Gee, thanks for spoiling the moment, guys," Sora drones.  
"You're welcome," the rest of the Gaang responds, not sensing the sarcasm in his voice.  
A high-pitched sound emanates from inside the Excretion Heartless's stomach, followed by a thin, red-hot laser beam slicing through the monster's abdomen, leaving a good-sized cut. Buzz, coated in stomach acid, leaps out of the incision and lands dramatically as the Excretion Heartless's lifeless body topples over behind him.  
"You know what they say..." Buzz says, trying to sound cool. "A pig in a poke is worth two in the bush."  
Instead of the awe he was hoping to receive, Buzz is met with awe-kward silence from the dumbfounded Gaang.  
"What?" Sora responds, utterly confused by Buzz's messed-up metaphor.  
"Oh, that's just flocking great!!" Donald squawks. "I forgot why we saved you for!"  
"Because we needed him for stuff," Goofy reminds.  
"Oh yeah."  
"I had a girl horse named Henry once," Scrooge rambles. "She loved doing the waltz!"  
"Good for you, Scrooge," Sora quips. "Now let's find our Gummi Ship and get outta here. I stink of unflushed toilet."  
"Adios, Stinksville!" Goofy happily calls out. "Population: uhhh... the guys who aren't us!"  
Sora can't help but agree with Goofy. "My point exactly, Goofy. My point exactly."  
Sora and the Gaang leave the bile-coated restroom, never to return.

In search of their Gummi Ship, the Gaang board the HMS Endeavour at the port town. They see the Gummi Ship sitting right in the middle of the deck, with a parrot perched on top of it.  
"It's the Gummi Ship!" Donald says joyfully.  
Without second thoughts, the Gaang run towards the Gummi Ship Just as they're about to open the doors, the parrot on the ship squawks out.  
"Attention! Emergency! All personnel must evacuate immediately! You have one second to reach minimum safe distance!"  
"What the fu-"  
Before Sora can finish his sentence, a large group of redcoats surrounds the Endeavour and the Gaang, leaving them no place to run.  
"Surprise!" a redcoat shouts.  
"For the last time, Reg, this isn't a birthday party!"  
"Aww..."  
"What seems to be the problem, officer?" Buzz asks.  
"The Lord Cutler Beckett told us that you would go looking for your ship after we lead you to the restroom, so he told us to capture you lot once you did. For this, you'll be sentenced to death for practicing Satanism by disobeying The Lord Cutler Beckett. Congratulations."  
"What?! But I have too much fangirls to die!" Sora frets.  
Goofy frets as well. "I don't, but I still don't wanna! Uhh... what's a fangirl?"  
"You'll know when you get older, Goofy," Buzz tells a disappointed Goofy.  
"Aww..."  
"Enough bickering!" Reg the Redcoat barks. "Time for you lot to kick the bucket! And by that I mean time for you to die. Not, you know, actually kicking a bucket, which is filled with quahogs, which I think are delicious, but kind of-"  
"Alright, Reg, they get the point!!" the other redcoat yells agitatedly "Now lets get them to the gallows before I get a hernia!!"  
As the two redcoats continue to bicker, a large tentacle slowly rises up from the sea immediately behind them.  
"Well, if you didn't have so much hissy fits all the time, you wouldn't have that sort of problem now wouldn't you, Daniel?"  
"I told you not to call me by that name! My name is Redcoat #1, and you're just a lackey!"  
"Why are you Redcoat #1? I wanted to be Redcoat #1!"  
"Because The Lord Cutler Beckett likes me best! So just shove it before I stuff my bayonet straight up your soggy a-"  
The giant tentacle next to the Endeavour finally crashes down on the deck, splitting the ship in half. The Gaang, the Gummi Ship and the redcoats all go flying into the air.  
"I can see my home from here!" Reg states.  
"You mean that dust bin?!" Daniel asks.  
"Yes!!"

The Gummi Ship lands safely on the briny blue, shortly after which the Gaang miraculously land on top of. The redcoats, however, aren't so lucky; they land farther off into the ocean and fall victim to the local great white sharks and electric eels.  
"That went well," Sora concludes, getting up and brushing himself off.  
As if fate is going out of its way to make things worse, a gargantuan, dark-green cephalopod-like creature, the fabled Kraken, bursts from the sea and emits a loud roar and extremely foul breath.  
"Why does the universe love screwing with us?" whimpers Sora.  
"Never mind that, Sora!" Buzz shouts. "We have to be at a safe distance from here, and I mean _now!_"  
"Whoopee!" says Scrooge. "Another flying level?"  
"Yes, Scrooge," Buzz responds. "Another flying level."  
The Gaang crawl into the Gummi Ship and start it up. They take to the skies, but are unable to leave the world before the Kraken gets a good whack at the Ship with one of its titanic tentacles. The Gummi Ship plummets and implants itself into the Kraken's head with a loud crash. However, the Gummi Ship is unharmed. Sora steps out of the Gummi Ship.  
"Okay, that was definitely not what I was planning."  
The earth begins to rumble. Buzz steps out of the Gummi Ship.  
"My conveniently built-in Richter scale's picking up a series of second-long magnitude 4 earthquakes! What's going on?!"  
"How should I know?! You're the math guy!"  
Donald pokes his head out of the Gummi Ship. "Yeah! If you're so smart, _you_ figure it out!"  
Under the high-pressure situation, Buzz is unable to answer before Sora grabs Buzz and prepares to chuck him towards the shore. Just then, a hundred-foot-tall bipedal creature that resembles a mix between an elephant and a megalodon steps into view; The Lord Cutler Beckett is riding the monster. Sora then tosses Buzz at the monstrosity, but to no avail. Buzz harmlessly plasters his frontside to the thing's leg; the beast doesn't even flinch.  
"_Buuuuuuuuuuzz!_" Scrooge melodramatically cries.  
The Lord Cutler Beckett rolls his eyes at both Sora's futile attempt at an attack and Scrooge's poor acting. "Oh, please, what was that?! Did you honestly think your silly little space ranger could defeat... _the Megalophant?!_"  
"Uh... for a minute there... yeah, I kinda did," Sora sheepishly admits.  
"Silly, silly fool! You walked right into my trap! Now I can arrest you for illegal trespassing, destroying my precious flagship, and worst of all, riding a crime against nature! You will all be executed for this, and I have just the horrendous demise for you! First, you'll be tarred and feathered, then you'll be beheaded, and then you'll be hung from the gallows! How does that deliciousness taste?"  
"That is sick and all, but how can you hang me when my head's chopped off?" Sora asks.  
"Uh... uh... no one question's The Lord Cutler Beckett!! Now for mocking me, you shall face the wrath of... _the Megalophant!!!_"  
The Megalophant roars loudly as it readies itself to combat the Kraken, utterly confounding Goofy.  
"Did that shark just roar?"  
Sora, ignoring Goofy's question, dashes towards the Gummi Ship and hops into the cockpit, He tries to start it up.  
"Sora, what're you doing?!" Donald asks incredulously.  
"What does it look like I'm doing?! I'm getting out of here and looking for another big anime convention! I missed out on the Anko Mitarashi cosplayers, so I'll just have to settle for the Ty Lee cosplayers."  
The Gummi Ship's engine finally fires up. Goofy joins Donald in trying to talk Sora into being more heroic.  
"C'mon, Sora! Can't you control your hormones for just a little? We still gotta find that antidote!"  
"It'll have to wait. Right now, I've got me some blissfully naive contortionists to feel up! Self-gratification, here I come!"  
Sora floors the gas pedal, but instead of going forward or removing itself from the Kraken's head, the Kraken roars and starts pummeling the Megalophant with its tentacles. With a perplexed 'Huh?', Sora lifts his foot off the pedal, and the Kraken stops what it's doing. In retaliation for the Kraken's onslaught, the Megalophant stomps on the Kraken's tentacles, causing the Kraken to screech loudly. Goofy, at this point, has a good idea of what's going on.  
"Sora, I think you can beat that weird shark thing if you keep pressing that gas pedal!"  
Sora, feeling very confident in himself, turns to Goofy with a grin.  
"Thanks, Captain Obvious."  
"You're welcome."  
Sora turns his attention to The Lord Cutler Beckett and his Megalophant, and revs up his engine during the following monologue.  
"All right, you fancy-pants, elephant-shark-thing-riding crazy! You throw me into jail, take away my Gummi Ship, and worst of all... you made me clean a bathroom! Now let's see if you're really as high and mighty as you say you are! Hit it!"  
Sora floors it, driving the Kraken towards beating the everloving snot out of the Megalophant. The Lord Cutler Beckett, desperately trying to stay on the Megalophant, obviously does not approve of such roughhousing. "I'd hardly say this is very legal!"  
"Oh yeah? Neither is this!"  
Sora headbutts a button on his dashboard, which causes the Kraken to backhand (?) the Megalophant's face with so much force as to turn the Megalophant 180 degrees, exposing its shark tail.  
"And now for the coop dee gracie!"  
Goofy steps up to correct him. "I don't think that's the right way to-"  
"Awesome move coming. Don't spoil it."  
Sora pulls some levers. The Kraken grabs the Megalophant's vulnerable tail and begins spinning in place, swinging the Megalophant around and destroying half of Port Royal in the process. After gaining enough speed, the Kraken releases its grip on the Megalophant, sending it sailing through the air.  
"So long-ee, Beckett." Sora spouts.  
The Lord Cutler Beckett turns to the Kraken and shouts defiantly as he and the Megalophant fly towards a nitroglycerin, matchstick and ball bearings factory.  
"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEE-"  
It is said that the following explosion could be heard three-thousand miles away.

Once the smoke clears up, the Gummi Ship pops itself out of the rubble-coated Kraken's head and lands on the ground next to it. The Gaang spill out of the Ship coughing and hacking.  
"Boy, did I ever pick a day to wear my contacts," Donald remarks.  
Sora raises a hand, hindering any further talk. He speaks solemnly "Before anyone can hurt my brain any further with their talking, let's have a moment of silence for our token math guy Buzz, who gave his life to fail at putting even a dent on the monster that destroyed this city."  
"That's _not_ how I want my eulogy to start out," a voice states from behind.  
The Gaang, surprised, turn to find Buzz on top of their Gummi Ship, miraculously unharmed save for a few soot marks on his person. Sora is overjoyed.  
"Buzz! Buzz, you're alright! This is great! This is _so_ great! Oh, uh, sorry about the whole chucking-you-at-the-monster thing. We're cool on that, huh? Right, buddy?"  
"I just want you to know that even though you nearly terminated me, stupidity is not a crime to be condemned for on my planet."  
This relieves Sora. "Oh, well that's nice."  
"We're not on my planet, Sora," Buzz says ominously.  
"Oh, uh... crap. Uh... hey, who's up for feeling up some hot cosplayers?"  
"Hooray!" Scrooge shouts with joy.  
"Except for Scrooge."  
"Aww..."  
Before Sora can get to the task, a small keyhole-shaped glow radiates from the Kraken's body. Sora's Keyblade takes a life on its own and points at the Kraken, firing off a small ray of light. The keyhole disappears with a bright flash. With the antidote they're looking for nowhere in sight, Buzz takes this time to prepare the Gaang for their departure.  
"The damage we've done here is tremendous. It's best if we leave before-  
"You _hooligans!!_" an irate voice interrupts. The Gaang look up the body of the Kraken to find The Lord Cutler Beckett standing on top of it.  
"You've ruined my beautiful town!! How am I supposed to rule with an iron fist over splinters of wood?! Redcoats!! Seize them!! They've wrecked my perfect world!"  
"That's our cue," Buzz decides.  
The Gaang flee for the Gummi Ship and fly away just as a hoard of redcoats charge after them. They can only watch as their prey takes for the skies.  
"They got away, sir," a redcoat says. "What do you propose we do now?"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett looks around for something to do. He sees a shaggy-haired, doe-eyed orphan with patched clothes walk by.  
"You there! You are hereby sentenced to death for no good reason!"  
"You heard him, men!" a redcoat barks. "Nobody lives forever! _Chaaarge!!_"  
The redcoats charge towards the doomed orphan, bayonets drawn...


	7. Episode 7: Idiots in the Outfield

Sora and the Gaang fly in their Gummi Ship in search of another world to plunder. Sora's kinda fussy over being chased out of the last world by figures of authority... yet again.  
"I don't get it! Why is it that every time we visit a world, we always end up running from the po-po? Is it some kind of jinx or something?"  
"Maybe it's because of all the corrupt king types we have in our universe," Goofy guesses.  
Scrooge puts his foot down and raises his fists in rage. "Government isn't right, I tells ya! Government isn't right!"  
"I might be making a rip in the space-time continuum by saying this," says Buzz, "but Scrooge is right. It's all this political corruption that's getting us into trouble."  
"But that's what I said!" whines Goofy.  
This evokes a chuckle from Buzz. "That's really funny, Goofy. You almost had us thinking that you were competant for a second there."  
"Aww..."  
"My suggestion is that we find a more peaceful planet that isn't run by an advanced political system. And thankfully, I know just the place. Pardon me, Sora!"  
Buzz shoves Sora out of the driver's seat and takes the wheel of the Gummi Ship. Sora looks on in frustration as Buzz steers the Ship in another direction.  
"Y'know, I kinda liked it more when you were just... there. I don't really like you doing stuff anymore. It's really cutting into my screen time."  
"It's called character development, kid. Live with it."  
Sora grumbles to himself. "Lousy character development..."  
Scrooge puts an arm around Sora, trying to console him. "My character developed once, except his nose was a kangaroo and the moon was a dog!"  
"Just... stop... talking."

The Gummi Ship eventually reaches a small suburban planet in the middle of nowhere, and smashes into a wooden sign entitled "_Welcome to Oakey Oaks: Where Political Corruption and Witty Subtitles Haven't Been Invented (Yet)_". The Gaang hop out of the Gummi Ship. Buzz is kinda ticked.  
"That wouldn't have happened if someone had just installed landing gear onto this ship."  
"It's not our fault The King Mickey couldn't extort enough money from Scrooge's Money Bin to build one," Goofy says, forgetting about Scrooge's overprotective nature when it comes to money.  
"_Get back, you Nazi bastards!! It's mine!! All mine!! You can't have it!_"  
"Thank you, Goofy, for driving my uncle crazy-go-nuts again," Donald drones sarcastically.  
"Any time, Donald!" Goofy replies cheerfully.  
Sora tries to get the Gaang's attention. "Guys, guys! Stop talking about Nutzis and look in front of you!"  
The Gaang looks in front of them to find an entire crowd of anthropomorphic animals staring speechlessly at them. At the head of the mob is a disdainful-looking turkey wearing a Pilgrim's attire. Sora steps forward to break the silence and try to reason with the crowd.  
"Uh... sorry about interrupting your little, uh... furry convention here, but we just came here to do some business and be on our way, so if you excuse us, we got a Keyhole to unlock and, uh... crap."  
After a few more seconds of tense silence, the turkey's expression goes from that of disdain to that of anxiety.  
"Oh... we surrender!" the turkey mayor whimpers hopelessly. From his pocket, he takes out a gigantic key, an ordinary car key and a container of Tic-Tacs. "Here! Take the key to the city, and the key to my car, and these bran-flavored Tic-Tacs!"  
He hands all the items over to Sora, bewildering him.  
"What?!"  
Finally, the turkey places his own hat onto Sora's head and runs off, abandoning the town and jumping off the edge of the world. Sora looks on in confusion. Goofy and Donald ignore the suicidal turkey and begin congratulating Sora.  
"Gawrsh, Sora! Looks like you're Mayor now! Lucky you!"  
"What're you gonna do now?"  
Sora thinks for a little bit. "If I'm Mayor, that means I've got complete control over the lives of these people. Hmm..."  
Sora looks to the crowd of townspeople, who are standing around waiting for orders from their newly-"elected" Mayor. He thrusts his chest out and raises his pointing finger into the air.  
"As Mayor, I command you all to... hop on one foot!"  
Everyone except Sora starts hopping on one foot, just as Sora said.  
"Now... stop!"  
Everyone stops. Sora is naturally amazed by this new power.  
"Wow, it actually works! Now, as Mayor, I command you all to go back to whatever it was you were doing while I try to figure out what to do next!"  
The townsfolk leave the area and go back to their business. Sora turns his attention to his Gaangmates.  
"So lemme get this straight. The old Mayor makes me the new Mayor and kills himself, and now everyone does what I tell them to do? I love this town!"  
"Just don't let all that power go to your head, Sora," Donald warns. "Remember the other crazy king-types we've met." He realizes that Sora isn't listening to him. "Sora?" He snaps his fingers (?) in front of Sora's face, hoping to get him back "Sora!"  
He is met only with a shove to the ground. Arrogance emanates from Sora's face.  
"Silence, you brainless duck shield!! It's The Mayor Sora, now! And don't you forget it!"  
"But..."  
"Silence!! Now if you excuse me, I've got The Mayor stuff to do."  
The Mayor Sora marches off in the direction of City Hall, leaving the rest of the Gaang behind to talk amongst themselves.  
"What the heck just happened?!" asks Goofy.  
Buzz speaks gravely. Apparently, he knows what's going on. "It's already started. Sora-"  
"Hey!" The Mayor Sora shouts from a distance.  
"Right. _The Mayor_ Sora has gained so much power over the people that he's becoming just as corrupt as the other politicians we've met. It's only a matter of time before-"  
Before Buzz can finish his dramatic monologue, the ringing of a bell echoes through the air, interrupting everyone. A meek, panicked voice calls out alongside the bell.  
"Everybody run for your lives!! The sky is falling!! Your homes and children will burn!!"

In the middle of town, The Mayor Sora bursts out of City Hall in a tizzy.  
"What in the name of me is going on out here?!"  
The Mayor Sora looks toward the school's bell tower, where he sees Chicken Little, a meat shield from his last adventure, ringing the bell frantically. Needless to say, Sora is not pleased.  
"I can't rule this place with all that noise going on!" He turns to the confused townsfolk. "Everyone, as The Mayor, I command you all to start a riot until I get this outrage taken care of, starting now!"  
As they are told, everybody in town engages in a full-blown riot of Los Angeles proportions. Parts of the town go up in flames, stores are looted, and bystanders beat each other up for no reason.  
"That's better."  
The Mayor Sora makes his way toward the school, shoving some bystanders out of the way. Along with being too preoccupied with rioting to notice, none of them would dare touch The Mayor, so they don't really care. Upon reaching the school, he climbs up one of the brick walls. Eventually, he reaches Chicken Little, who is still ringing the bell.  
"The sky is falling!! Your nephews will all be eaten!!"  
The Mayor Sora grabs Chicken Little by the throat, causing his eyes to bug out and effectively shutting him up.  
"Party's over, snake-eater," The Mayor Sora says in a cool manner.  
"Oh, snap..." gasps Chicken Little.  
The Mayor Sora hops down from the school belltower with Chicken Little at hand. He holds Chicken Little up to the rioting townspeople.  
"Everyone, as The Mayor, I command you to _stop!_"  
The riot suddenly ends. Everyone in town, including the Gaang, approaches The Mayor Sora to hear his next words. The Mayor Sora puts down Chicken Little, who is now gasping for air.  
"Now," says The Mayor Sora to a scared and disoriented Chicken Little, "I want you to calmly tell us what happened."  
"Piece of the sky... shaped like a stop sign... fell on my head..."  
"What?!" an annoyed Sora shouts. "You make the town go up in flames just because a piece of the sky shaped like a stop sign fell on your head?!"  
A member of the mob objects "But you _told_ us to do it!"  
To teach him a lesson, The Mayor Sora chucks his Keyblade at the offending mob member's eye.  
"_MY EYEBALL!!! MY FAVORITE EYEBALL!_"  
"But it's true!" Chicken Little says. "It fell on my head just a while ago! I was under an oak tree and stuff and-"  
Sora will have none of it. "That doesn't matter! You don't go around causing all this chaos just because something as trivial as the sky fell on your head! You know what kind of person does that? A stnank, that's who!"  
Believing that The Mayor Sora went a little too far with that one, Goofy steps up. "C'mon, The Mayor Sora. Doesn't that seem a little harsh?"  
"Yes it does! And since this stnank is the hands-down most uncool meat shield I've ever had, I'm going to propose an even harsher punishment!"  
The mob pitches in their ideas.  
"Brushing grass?"  
"Churning butter?"  
Even Chicken Little's father joins in. "14 straight hours of the 4Kids dub of _One Piece_?"  
"Dad! What're you doing?!"  
"Sorry, son. Nothing personal. You know what they say about a little childhood trauma building character."  
The Mayor Sora has made his decision. "Even worse! Everyone, as The Mayor, I command us all to punish Chicken Little for this heinous crime by chucking baseballs at him until he stops thinking conscious thoughts! Poetic justice at its best!!"  
Everyone cheers and holds up baseballs at The Mayor Sora's declaration. Chicken Little backs off, preparing to run. "Not again..." he whimpers.

Chicken Little's attempt to flee from the mob fails within seconds as he is pelted with an uncountable amount of baseballs. Some of the mob members pick up and chuck the baseballs that have already been thrown, overcome with the desire to serve justice to this one insignificant chicken. Eventually, the pain becomes too much for Chicken Little and he falls down onto the pavement as everyone continues to pummel him with baseballs. After about fifteen minutes of torturing the little guy, the crowd gets bored of all the pummeling and stops, allowing Chicken Little to savor the agony.  
"Ribs... broken. Organs... ruptured. Spleen... where is it?"  
A member of the mob approaches The Mayor Sora. "I'm bored, The Mayor. What do we do now?"  
"Hmm... as The Mayor, I command you all to make a big-budget movie about Chicken Little's stupidity. I need some time alone to vent my anger."  
"With David Hasselhoff as Chicken Little?"  
"Yeah, sure, whatever."  
"Cool!" Chicken Little's dad states, liking the idea.  
Everyone leaves the area while Chicken Little continues to internally bleed on the pavement. The Gaang approaches The Mayor Sora. Goofy once again tries to talk some decency into The Mayor Sora.  
"Sora, shouldn't you lighten up? You used to be a good guy!"  
"Not now, Goofy. I'm trying to think."  
A few seconds pass by as The Mayor Sora goes into deep thought. "Heh heh heh... cactus juice."  
Donald wishes he didn't hear that right. "Excuse me?"  
Buzz, however, isn't as hopeful. He speaks sternly to the Gaang. "Donald, Goofy, it's as I feared. Now The Mayor Sora's laughing about mescaline abuse. Once he starts extorting money from senior citizens, his descent into political corruption will be complete."  
"Then we gotta do something!" Goofy says urgently.  
"It won't do any good," Buzz rebukes. "I've seen this before."  
Donald is incredulous. "You've seen this before?!"  
"Eleven times, as a matter of fact."  
"How do we tell him?" asks a distraught Goofy.  
"Don't tell him. That'll only get you arrested. The way I see it, The Mayor Sora's got until sunset before he's completely corrupted. Then everyone will become very frustrated with their leader, and then... then..."  
Scrooge steps forward, looking uncharacteristically serious. "Gentlemen, this could very well spell the end of the world... of WarCraft."  
Thanks to Scrooge ruining the moment, any dramatic music playing in the background comes to a sudden halt. Scrooge grins stupidly.  
"Hug me!"  
"Well, there goes that moment," says a disappointed Buzz. At that moment, a familiar dark portal opens up not too far away. Annoyed, The Mayor Sora turns his attention to it. "Now what?!"  
Out of the portal comes Maleficent and Pete, along with her army consisting of Cloud, Cap'n Gantu, Kron, Hades and three new additions: the bag of bugs Oogie Boogie, the dim-witted henchman Kronk and The Governator Ratcliffe. Once again, Pete is sweating quite profusely.  
"Come on now, Maleficent! If someone found a trail of sweat and followed it, they would find me!"  
"Silence your yapping!" commands Maleficent. "Mercedes-Benz has no time to buy petty air conditioners!"  
She turns her attention to the Gaang. "Why, hello again... again. Mercedes-Benz thought you would be here. We have come to challenge you all to a-"  
Sora raises a hand. "Before you get to that, would you care to introduce us to those other guys in your team?"  
"Alright, fine. Meet..."  
Oogie Boogie, Kronk and The Governator Ratcliffe are put under spotlights that turn on as their names are mentioned.  
"Oogie-Kronk-and-Ratcliffe."  
The Governator Ratcliffe objects. "That's THE GOVERNATOR Ratcliffe to all of you!"  
"Silence, you insubordinate tub of lard!" Maleficent shouts furiously. "I can control your lip!"  
Maleficent dramatically raises her arms up into the air. The Governator Ratcliffe's bottom lip quickly stretches itself behind his head.  
"Now where was I? Oh yes. By the will of Mercedes-Benz, we are going to challenge you!"  
Kronk has something to say. "I like squirrels."  
"Yes, we all know you love squirrels, now silence!! Now, before I forget, we're going to challenge you all to a baseball game!"  
"Oh, really. What for?" Sora asks.  
"Mercedes-Benz decided to sponsor a baseball game in this petty little chicken's world, and they want me to beat you, which I will. It will help them gain some more publicity."  
"Well your luck just ran out! As The Mayor, I hereby name myself the winner of the baseball game. Now go home!"  
Maleficent chuckles coldly. "I anticipated you would make this move; I've witnessed your rise into corrupt kingship from a conveniently-placed trash can, so I summoned an equally corrupt politician from a random spot in the universe to nullify your ridiculous demands."  
As The Governator Ratcliffe pulls his lip back into shape, Maleficent pulls a fish skeleton out of her ear. The Governator Ratcliffe steps forward.  
"I hereby declare this day to be "Ketchup Day"."  
The Mayor Sora realizes the direness of the situation. "I'm not corrupt enough to name random holidays yet! We're in trouble, guys!"  
Maleficent is pretty confident at this point. "And that is why you shall fail! Prepare to face the unadulterated wrath of... Maleficent's Psychedelic Breakfast!"  
"That's our team name, just so you know," Cap'n Gantu reminds.  
"Silence!" Maleficent commands.  
"Aww..."  
The Mayor Sora attempts to muster up some gusto. "Oh yeah?! Well... you guys are... no match for the... incredible... supersonic... undescribable... ah, screw it. The Mayor Sora's Yogurt Cannons!!"  
This utterly dumb name is enough to evoke a 'What?' from Buzz. Scrooge, however, is quite pissed.  
"This is an outrage!! I find that name to be highly offensive!"  
"Enough of this foolishness!!" Maleficent yells. "If I don't play ball with you soon, Mercedes-Benz will have all of our heads. So let's stop this bickering and decide your fate in America's greatest pasttime!"  
"Well, Maleficent, you didn't count on one thing: this is a Japanese production!" Sora rebukes.  
"He sure burned you there, sir," Kronk reports.  
"Yes... well... uh... let's play some ball! And stop calling me sir!"

At the Oakey Oaks Baseball Stadium, Maleficent is currently at bat. Buzz Lightyear's the only one in the outfield, while the rest of The Mayor Sora's team are at the bases. The Mayor Sora himself is at the pitching mound and ready to take some names.  
"Alright, Maleficent! You ready to be smothered by the creamy, salty ammo of... The Mayor Sora's Yogurt Cannons?!"  
"Before we start, "The Mayor Sora", one question. Is there any reason why you have a trash can with a rainbow wig as your umpire?"  
Maleficent points out the rainbow wig-wearing trash can behind her. The trash can is already dented beyond belief.  
"Yeah, um, we didn't have enough members for a baseball team, and we didn't have all chapter to gather up one," The Mayor Sora responds sheepishly.  
"I see. And I guess that would explain why you have the space ranger as your only outfielder?"  
Maleficent points to Buzz, who waves at them.  
"Oh yeah, him. Well, he doesn't know that he can't fly yet, so I'm taking this opportunity to crush his spirits."  
Although she loathes to admit it, Maleficent's coming to admire The Mayor Sora's potential for cruelty. "How deliciously evil! Perhaps you're becoming more corrupt than I had first anticipated."  
"I guess I am. But enough talking! Time for a massive HOLY GOSH, WHAT'S THAT?!?"  
Maleficent looks behind her where Sora is pointing. The Mayor Sora takes this opportunity to throw all three of his balls at once, all of them implanting themselves into the trash can. A crazed-looking albino sloth emerges from the trash can.  
"Strike four! You're out! Change!"  
Maleficent is flabbergasted both by the Albino Sloth in general and the ridiculousness of the "rules". "What is the meaning of this?! That was almost unfair, even by my standards!"  
The Albino Sloth shrugs. "Hey, I won't bake the rules. I just flower them. Change!"  
"Insolent sloth-thing! Once I win this game and take over this world, you will be the first to die!"  
The teams switch positions as the bottom of the first inning begins, albeit unfairly. The Mayor Sora is at bat with his Keyblade as the bat, while Cloud is at the pitching mound. He tries to reach out to Sora.  
"Please, Sora. Run while you still ca-"  
Cloud's eyes turn green, signifying his switch to his "Sephiroth" personality.  
"Join me, Sora, and I will make your filthy, fat face the _greatest_ in Oakey Oaks, or else you will _DIE!!_"  
Cloud pitches his ball so hard that the ball is quickly doused in blue flames upon release from his hand. The Mayor Sora braces himself while taking in Cloud's neglect to address himself by a certain definitive article and title.  
"My name... is _The Mayor_ Sora!"  
Sora manages to hit the ball with awesome lightning effects. The smoldering ball flies through the air, out of Cap'n Gantu's reach and out of the field, leaving a black trail of smoke behind it.  
"That squirt got a home run!" An amazed Oogie Boogie comments. "And on his first inning!"  
"That shouldn't be physically possible!" Cap'n Gantu adds.  
The Albino Sloth hops his trash can into the middle of the field as The Mayor Sora runs the bases.  
"Four points for The Mayor Sora's Yogurt Cannons! Change!"  
Maleficent is understandably frustrated. "Someone remind me to bludgeon Gantu repeatedly for this."  
The teams switch positions once again, with Hades at bat and Scrooge McDuck at the pitching mound. Scrooge attempts to make an intimidating face, only to scrunch it up in a comical manner.  
"Alright, you young whippersnapper! I'll beat you like I beat Eddie Izzard's manatee in the Mexico Rugby Tournament of 1984!"  
Briefly caught off-guard by the garbage he just heard, Hades shakes it off in time to put his strategy into place.  
"Alright. I'm gonna ignore that nonsensical anecdote of yours and make you a deal. You're gonna die in 2046 from smallpox at the ripe old age of two."  
"_NOOOOO!_"  
"That's right. Now, I'm willing to lengthen your lifespan if you throw this inning and let me get an automatic grand slam. Do we have a deal?"  
"Okay!"  
Scrooge walks off the pitching mound as the Albino Sloth makes his way there.  
"22 points for Maleficent's Psychedelic Breakfast! Change!"  
An incensed Buzz stomps up to Scrooge. "Scrooge, you _idiot!_"  
"Who are you?"  
Hades floats to the two and addresses Scrooge.  
"Psyche! Just kidding, old-timer. You're actually gonna die in 2037 from Alzheimer's disease at the age of ninety-something. Thank you for falling for the oldest trick in the book."  
"Oh, phooey..."  
The teams prepare to change, but the Albino Sloth speaks out.  
"Alright, folks. Top of the third, and I'm extremely handsome. What're you all doing moving around?! Get back in your places!"  
"But it's the bottom of the second, you mangy rodent!" Kron snarls.  
"You are aware that I rule the baseball field, and what I say goes! Now get back in your place!"  
The Governator Ratcliffe is at bat, while The Mayor Sora is at the pitching mound. Buzz Lightyear goes up to The Mayor Sora and whispers something in his ear. He chuckles a little as Buzz goes back to the outfield.  
"Any last words before you lose?" The Governator Ratcliffe asks.  
The Mayor Sora holds back laughter. "Just two: cactus juice!"  
"Heh heh heh... cactus juice."  
The Mayor Sora tosses the ball while The Governator Ratcliffe is distracted. The ball hits the trash can, which the Albino Sloth emerges from.  
"Strike one!"  
Maleficent is quick to reprimand The Governator Ratcliffe. "Ratcliffe, you fool! Don't let him distract you!"  
"That's THE GOV-"  
"Silence!"  
"Aww..."  
The Governator and The Mayor prepare themselves once again. The Mayor Sora holds back even more laughter.  
"Hey, Ratcliffe! Cactus juice!"  
The Governator Ratcliffe laughs out loud. "It's even funnier the second time!"  
The Mayor Sora tosses another ball at the Albino Sloth's trash can. The Albino Sloth pops out with the briskness of a jack-in-the-box.  
"Strike two!"  
The Governator Ratcliffe gets a hold of himself and puts on his game face. "Alright! No more distractions! This is where baseball gets serious!"  
"Sure does, Ratcliffe. About as serious as THINK FAST!!"  
The Mayor Sora unsheathes his Keyblade and chucks it at Oogie Boogie, impaling him. Oogie Boogie then tears open, releasing the bugs inside him.  
"This is the sixth time this has happened, I swear!" Oogie Boogie laments.  
Soon, all of the bugs leave Oogie's body, leaving behind an empty burlap sack. Everyone stares at Oogie Boogie's dead carcass.  
"Well, I... didn't see that coming," Kronk admits.  
"That's because you're stupid," Hades replies.  
The Albino Sloth emerges. "15 points to the Yogurt Cannons! The Yogurt Cannons wins!"  
"What?!?" says an agitated Kron. "This can't be!"  
"I find these rules to be highly questionable," Cap'n Gantu states.  
The Albino Sloth shrugs once more. "Hey, like I said, I don't bake the rules, I just... oh, wait a minute. Turns out I did bake the rules! Sorry, folks. That's baseball for ya."  
This rouses Maleficent's chagrin even further. "My paycheck's going to go down for this! At this rate, I'll be ruined! This is all your fault, Cap'n Gantu!"  
"What?! How is it my fault?!"  
"Because... I just don't like you!"  
"But..."  
"No more talking out of you! That's it! No playing with your Sora action figure for a month!  
"Aww..."  
Maleficent turns to the Gaang. "And as for you, don't think this is over, you petty larcenists! Mercedes-Benz will take you down one day! I swear it!"  
Maleficent and her Army disappear into their signature dark portal. The Mayor Sora adjusts his pilgrim hat.  
"Well, that takes care of that problem. Now let's get back into town so that I can make a golden statue of myself in the middle of it."  
"And find the Keyhole," Donald adds.  
"What Keyhole?"  
Buzz is really worried now "Uh oh. This is getting serious. If it gets any worse, we might have to take... drastic measures."

The Mayor Sora and the Gaang travel back to town. The area is mostly empty due to the making of the Chicken Little film The Mayor Sora ordered to be filmed, an order he is beginning to regret.  
"Well this sucks. How am I supposed to make a statue in an empty town?!"  
"Guess you can't," Goofy deduces "Ah well!"  
"Don't rub it in! I'll be at City Hall."  
On his way to City Hall, The Mayor Sora bumps into a lone fire truck in the middle of the street, a remnant of the earlier riot.  
"Gah, son-of-a..."  
The Mayor Sora looks up the fire truck to find the real Chicken Little standing on the fire truck's extended ladder. A noose attached to the ladder is tied around his neck, and he looks just about ready to jump off. He is singing to himself drearily.  
"_Goodbye, cruel world. I'm leaving you today. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye._"  
Donald, remembering the ruckus he caused, is unsympathetic. "Well, look who it is. It's Mister 'Help-The-Sky-Is-Falling-Let's-All-Start-A-Big-Riot'."  
Even Buzz doesn't feel sorry for him. "Looks like he finally came to his senses and decided to do the right thing. Who wants some popcorn?"  
"That sound's good," Goofy responds. "No butter, please."  
Chicken Little, having lost hope at this point, sighs and continues to sing. "_Goodbye, all you people. There's nothing you can say to make me chaaange my mind. Good-_"  
Before Chicken Little can finish, a stop sign-shaped object lands on his head. Rendered unconscious, he falls backwards, botching his attempt to turn himself into a tire swing. The Mayor Sora and the Gaang are understandably disappointed, but Buzz then diverts their attention to the sky.  
"I know this isn't the right time, but look up there!"  
Buzz points up to a small stop sign-shaped hole in the sky, out of which three familiar Tripods fall out off. They all crash-land on the same road the Gaang is standing on. The Tripods rise and begin to search the area, their singular red eyes glowing brightly.  
"_A riot has previously occured in this area. Destruction of this scale was most likely caused by African-Americans._"  
"_I am error. Sensors indicate that no African-Americans are located in this area nor in this world. Do not unplug or restart the receiver._"  
The Mayor Sora, despite his political corruption, recognizes these otherworldly machines as the ones they previously encountered in Hawaii. "Oh, Jeebus, not these guys again!"  
This catches the attention of the Tripods, who immediately set their sights on him.  
"_Target recognized. Target encountered three chapters ago._"  
"_Most logical course of action: DESTROOOY! DESTROOOY!_"  
"_Affirmative._"  
With this, the Tripods draw their Heat Rays and aim them at the Gaang.  
"Hold on a sec!" Sora alerts, signalling the Tripods to halt. Sora goes to the fire truck and climbs on it, grabbing Chicken Little and going back to the place he just was. He holds Chicken Little's body up in front of himself like the meat shield he is. "Okay, ready."  
The Tripods take this as their cue to fire. However, the rays bounce off of Chicken Little's glasses and are redirected at a random building, which noisily explodes. The Tripods stop in time to hear voices in the distance. Needless to say, they don't sound pleased.  
"Hey, everyone! Chicken Little's causing a ruckus again! I should know because he's an idiot!"  
"_Large group of organisms detected. Temperament: aggressive._"  
"_Most logical course of action: flee the area and let them eliminate the organisms in the immediate area._"  
"_Agreed. Let us roll._"  
With that, the Tripods fly off into the skies, abandoning the Gaang. Before the angry mob can reach their general area. a large keyhole-shaped glow radiates on the school's bell. Sora's Keyblade takes a life of its own and points at the bell, firing off a small ray of light. The keyhole disappears with a bright flash. As partially expected, the antidote is nowhere in sight.  
"Well, Sora," says Buzz. "Now that the Keyhole's been unlocked, I guess we should get going, eh?"  
The Mayor Sora is incredulous. "_What?!_ How can you say that?! I'm The Mayor Sora and I've got lives to wreck and people to sue!"  
"But we still haven't found the antidote yet!"  
"Who cares about the antidote?! You can all die for all I care!"  
Donald and Goofy turn to Buzz.  
"Buzz, do something!"  
"Yeah! I think he's starting to forget who we are! Whaddya suppose we do now?"  
"Only one thing to do: go back to Merlin's and get Sora back."  
"That's _THE MAYOR_ Sora!!"  
The Gaang grab a struggling The Mayor Sora and run back to the Gummi Ship just as an angry mob arrives at the scene, all of them carrying a weapon of some sort.  
"Alright, where is he? When I find him, I'm gonna rip him hard!" a mob member snarls.  
The angry mob looks around to find Chicken Little on the road, just regaining his consciousness.  
"Ahh, my head. I forget what I was doing today."  
One of the mob members points his baseball bat at Chicken Little.  
"Look, everyone! A pinata! Let's hang him up and beat him open until the candy comes out!"


	8. Episode 8: Land of Ten Thousand Aches

Having dragged an unwilling The Mayor Sora out of Oakey Oaks, Buzz Lightyear flies the Gummi Ship towards the Radiant Garden. The Mayor Sora is tied up in the back and quite irate.  
"You won't get away with this! This is my universe and my right to choose!"  
"Ah, shut up!" Donald rebukes.  
"Gee, Buzz. I hope Merlin knows what to do about this," wonders Goofy.  
"I hope so too, Goofy," replies Buzz. "Otherwise I'm gonna have to be the main character."  
"Hooray!" shouts Scrooge.  
"But since I don't want to give Scrooge the satisfaction, we're gonna have to get Sora back."  
"Aww..."  
"That's _THE MAYOR_ Sora!!"

The Gummi Ship enters Radiant Garden and lands near Merlin's Place. The Gaang steps out, with The Mayor Sora at tow. Buzz is particularly cautious, considering what they went through the last time they were here.  
"Okay. It looks like things have calmed down since that little spat between Yuffie and Cid, but lets keep bells on our toes just in case."  
The Gaang tiptoe to Merlin's door, and slowly open it, preparing for the worst. The Gaang opens the door all the way to find that Merlin is teaching his cult, with the additions of a robed figure with a ridiculous straw hat (Black Mage) and a red-haired armored person (Fighter).  
"No, no, no, Black Mage! Bending blood out of a live person's body is not a viable solution to extinguishing a wildfire!"  
Merlin pauses his scolding just in time to see the Gaang walk into house.  
"Ah, my old friends! Welcome back! How may I break the rules of God to help you today?"  
As fun as it is to defy the rules of established deities, Buzz is aware of more important matters. "Sorry to interrupt your little cult here, but we need your help."  
"Sora's turned into a corrupt king person and we don't know how to get him back!" Donald squawks semi-intelligibly.  
"Yeah! Buzz is cutting into Sora's hero time because of this!" Goofy adds.  
"Cereal time is the best time of the day!" Scrooge babbles, setting off Black Mage's force of habit.  
"Fighter, shut up before I stab your face off."  
"But I didn't say anything!"  
"Goddammit..."  
Merlin takes this opportunity to scold Black Mage once more. "Now, Black Mage. Stabbing peoples' faces off isn't a part of being a magic-using weapon of mass-helping people."  
"But... I like stabby..."  
"No! Bad Black Mage! No stabby!"  
"Aww, come on. Just one little stab. It'll barely hurt him."  
"Listen. Do you need me to demonstrate to you what happens to bones and organs when someone calls Yuffie a sugar queen? Again?"  
"No, Supreme Overlord..."  
"Good! Now, back to-"  
Merlin is interrupted by a rather perky Yuffie, who takes this time to greet her old friends. "Hey, Sora! Long time, no see! You got any Materia?"  
The Mayor Sora, having semi-forgotten his old friends, is disgusted. "What?! No, I don't have any Materia, you filthy Ninja peasant! Go away!"  
A familiar and ominous silence fills the room, as Yuffie processes what Sora just said. Yuffie's eyebrow twitches. Cid and Leon hide under their desks in fear, knowing where this is headed, while Black Mage looks on in fascination of what he predicts will happen. Yuffie slowly gets up from her desk.  
"Nooo... _Materia... EVEEER?!?_ What're you doing here without Materia when I told you... _I... LIKE... MATERIAAAAA!!_"  
Merlin attempts to talk some sense into the situation. "But Yuffie..."  
"Will you just shut your air hole for **TEN MINUTES?!?** Believe it or not, your endless wisdom gets _really_ annoying sometimes!! Why don't you just save the universe yourself since you're **SO NATURALLY GIFTED?!**"  
At this point, Black Mage is really impressed by Yuffie's verbal attacks. "Wow! That makes two of us!"  
Yuffie unsheathes her giant shuriken and implants it into Black Mage's forehead. "SHUT UP!!!"  
"Ow! My thinking brain!"  
Fighter's in love. "I love you, phallic shuriken woman. Take me."  
"I work and work till I'm half-_dead_... and I hear people saying, "She's getting old." And what do I _get_?! A Keybearer... who cares as much about beautiful Materia... as he cares about _me_!! What're you doing here without Materia?!"  
Buzz is really unsure of how to solve this. "Well... uh..."  
"Well we'll see how much you've got in here!! We'll see!!"  
Yuffie runs to and leaps onto one of Merlin's unneccesarily large bookcases and begins violently throwing books off of their shelves. "All of this is going out! Out! Out! Out!"  
Merlin clearly does not approve of Yuffie ruining his neatly-alphabetized bookshelves. "Yuffie, stop! Throwing books off my shelves isn't the way to get more Materia! You know that, don't you?!"  
Yuffie doesn't heed to Merlin's words, and continues to throw books off their shelves.  
"I guess not. Well, Cid. Looks like we have no choice but to use... _that_."  
"Roger that, ol'-timer," responds Cid. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a fully-grown bazooka. As Cid aims the weapon at Yuffie, Buzz tries to talk some decency into Merlin.  
"Wait, Merlin, don't you think this is a bit drastic? I mean, it's just a Ninja."  
Merlin brushes this off. "Oh, relax, Buzz. It'll barely hurt her."  
"Now we're talking!" says Black Mage.  
As Cid tries to center on his target, Yuffie continues her book-throwing rampage.  
"_I'm the daddy now!!_"  
Cid fires the bazooka, and the Gaang flinch, expecting the whole premise to explode around them. But there is a thud where the earth-shattering kaboom should be. The Gaang uncover their eyes to find Yuffie lying unconscious on the floor, white Zs circling around her head and a multicolored dart implanted into her butt. Understandably, Black Mage is let down.  
"Aww... I wanted it to explode."  
"What was that?!" asks Goofy, bewildered.  
"Oh, nothing, Goofy," replies Merlin. "We just had to give her a little pinprick to put her to sleep. We use it during one of those more 'out-of-control' moments."  
Buzz is starting to get the gist of it. "I can understand the use of a tranquilizer and all, but was the bazooka really neccesary?"  
Cid shrugs. "Meh, it's just for show. Besides, ain't it cool-lookin?"  
"Yeah, I guess..."  
Yuffie, under the influence of the tranquilizer, begins to sleeptalk. "Mmm... yeah. Right there, right there. Talim, that feels so good."  
"Aww, ain't that cute," Cid says affectionately. "Yuffie's dreamin' 'bout _Soul Calibur_ chicks again."  
"Does this happen a lot?" Buzz asks of Cid.  
"With this brand of tranquilizer, yeah. Otherwise, she just dreams about making out with Tifa. Go figure."  
"Mmm... yeah. Yeah. Right there. Oh, Ivy, that feels so good," Yuffie mumbles as Merlin joins Cid.  
"I do admit that is rather ho- hey!" Merlin's attention is caught by the _Winnie-the-Pooh_ book laying in one of the scattered book piles. He walks up to it and picks it up, holding it in sight of the Gaang.  
"Here it is! _Winnie-the-Pooh_! This'll do the trick for setting Sora straight again. The unrelenting antics of the book's inhabitants should be able to return Sora to his former self."  
Buzz is taken aback by the simplicity of this solution. "You mean that's it? No magic potion or special dust or anything?"  
"Err, no. Sora's corruption occured relatively recently compared to the other corrupt king-types, so I don't think any of that magic stuff is needed at this point."  
"Oh, all right! So all we have to do is annoy Sora a lot, and then he'll be back to normal," Goofy deduces.  
"That's correct. Now be careful in there. That's Leon's favorite book, and he messed up my collection of rare and incurable diseases for ripping it up last time."  
"Okay. We'll try not to mess things up too much," Donald promises.  
The Gaang (with The Mayor Sora) all shove themselves into the book, which closes itself upon everyone's entrance. Meanwhile, Yuffie continues her sleeptalking.  
"Mmm... mmm... right there. Cassandra, that feels so good, hmm..."  
"Oh, and someone better hold down Black Mage," Merlin relays. "He's getting that look in his eyes again."  
Leon sighs. "Roger that."

The Gaang and The Mayor Sora find themselves in the Hundred-Acre Wood, a green, pastel-colored land with fresh air, clean dirt and an unnerving lack of apparent danger. The Mayor Sora looks around, and is very displeased.  
"This isn't my country! I demand to be taken back to Oakey Oaks at once!"  
"Oh, shut up," Donald rebukes.  
Buzz attempts to take control of the situation. "Alright, alright, that's enough out of you two. Now, before we forget, we better find... uh... Pooh Bear and see what he's up to. By my calculations, he can't be too far off.  
Proving Buzz's calculations right, Winnie-the-Pooh appears right behind Buzz. "Hello!"  
Startled, Buzz gives off an unsettlingly girly shriek and jumps into Donald's open arms. Embarassed by this display of fear, Buzz directs his anger at Pooh.  
"How dare you startle a trained Space Ranger on an uncharted planet! I have to keep up my manly image day in and day out just to keep my job!"  
Pooh vacantly stares at the Gaang with a big grin on his face. After a moment of confusing silence, Pooh pulls out a ketchup bottle out of nowhere. "Ketchup?" Before any of the Gaang can give their answer, Pooh starts chugging down the ketchup to the annoyance of the Gaang.  
"How Merlin talked us into this I'll never know," Buzz drones.  
The Mayor Sora, having observed the absent-mindedness of this stuffed individual in front of him, attempts to exercise his political power over the doll.  
"Hey you! Stop! Desist with your ketchup-having! Ketchup Day was a day ago, and yet you still drink ketchup! I demand that you stop at o-"  
Donald's had just about enough of this. "**I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!**"  
Donald swipes the ketchup bottle from Pooh's hand and smashes it across The Mayor Sora's face, coating his cheek with ketchup and broken glass.  
"That oughta teach ya," Donald grumbles. Sora is quite understandably provoked by this attack.  
"Oh, I hate it when you do that!"  
The Mayor Sora's last two words echo in Goofy's brain, consisting of a prune with a light bulb on it. As the words work their way into the middle of the prune, the light bulb tings and lights up, causing Goofy to speak out.  
"Guys, I have an idea!"  
Buzz can't believe what he just heard. "What?! An idea? From you?! That's amazing!"  
"It's a Christmas miracle!" shouts Scrooge.  
"Shut up, Scrooge," Donald commands.  
"Aww..."  
"So what's the plan?" Buzz asks of Goofy.

Moments later, The Mayor Sora has been tied up to an erect stake. The Gaang is just a few yards in front of him, with a healthy supply of ketchup bottles nearby. The Mayor Sora can do nothing but toss insults around.  
"You miserable micro-brains! You one-brained wonders! You meddlesome... uhh... brain... things! I'll have your heads for this!"  
"Sorry, Sora, but you know what they say: you have to be cruel to be kind," Buzz comments.  
"And by 'be kind', we mean 'get you back to your old self'," Goofy adds. "Isn't that right?"  
"I think he gets the point." Buzz grabs a ketchup bottle and chucks it at The Mayor Sora. The bottle smashes into his face, splattering his face with a healthy coat of bold red. Donald is amused.  
"That looks fun! My turn!" Donald grabs two ketchup bottles and tosses them like frisbees. They smash into The Mayor Sora's chest and right leg. Donald chuckles mischievously as Scrooge steps up.  
"Stand back, boys, and I'll show you how peculiar triangles really disappear into instant noodle soup!"  
"That was just nonsense, even for you," Buzz remarks.  
"Crabbadonk!"  
Scrooge fires five ketchup bottles in rapid-fire succession, coating The Mayor Sora in even more ketchup and broken glass. The Gaang look at each other and smile.  
"_Free-style ketchup toss!!_" they shout in unison.  
The next five minutes were spent tossing ketchup bottles at The Mayor Sora in a rather ridiculous attempt to bring him back. To be realistic, all this ordeal would accomplish is to coat their friend with ketchup and glass and agitate him even further. And agitated he was by the time the supply of ketchup bottles ran out.  
"This is most undignified!! In fact, this is the sorriest position anyone's ever been!! You'll all be sorry you ever crossed me!"  
"Well, uh... that didn't work," Buzz concludes.  
Donald, eager to blame someone, selects Pooh at the target for his ire. "This is all your fault, Pooh!" Donald bashes Pooh over the head with his staff and kicks him out of their sight. He then walks up to Goofy and bashes his foot, causing Goofy to yelp in pain and hop around on his good foot.  
"What was that for?!"  
"I don't know! All I know is that you're stupid!"  
Buzz gets himself in between the feuding pair. "Guys, guys! Stop killing each other and help us come up with a Plan B!"  
"I got a Ramen C," says Scrooge.  
"Very nice, Scrooge. Now if only we could come up with a plan..."  
Donald comes forward with a personal anecdote. "Whenever I was sick, my grandpa would give me everything we had in our medicine cabinet. Now that I look back, I'm not sure if it was safe or not, but it worked."  
Goofy has to intervene. "Uh, Donald, are you sure that was-"  
"No time to argue," Buzz interrupts. "If we don't hurry up, Sora will never return to normal, and Merlin going to be generally annoyed with us. My medicine detector indicates that we'll find some medicine at Kanga's. Let's riggity-roll!"  
Donald is flabbergasted. "Riggity-_what_?!"

Without a second thought, the Gaang run to Kanga's house and bust into the premises. Kanga is visibly startled by this appearance.  
Buzz speaks quickly as to not give Kanga time to stop them. "Hey, Kanga! Long time no see. Go through your medicine cabinet? Okay."  
True enough, Kanga stares on as the Gaang opens her medicine cabinet and removes all of its contents, pouring them down The Mayor Sora's throat. The Mayor Sora licks his lips after this onslaught.  
"That was quite thirst-quenching."  
"This had better work," Buzz hopes.  
Donald recalls something. "Come to think of it, I'm not really sure if that was my grandpa who gave me all that medicine. It was probably-"  
"What's up with Sora?" asks Goofy.  
The Gaang turn to see that The Mayor Sora's pupils have dilated. He violently shakes his head before standing up with a perfect posture.  
"The whirlwind of recycled paper is a sight to see, my furry companions! It's like computer graphics!"  
At this point, Buzz is worried about Sora's current mental health. "Uh, Sora. Are you feeling okay?"  
"I would never support Technicolor parfaits in my dignified part of Oceania! It's too blue from my glory train!"  
Buzz turns to their own baron of babble in hopes of catching that. "Scrooge. Translation?"  
"I have no idea what he just said," Scrooge admits.  
"Anyone who cares about expiration dates will surely rock the castaway of yuletide harbringings of yellow snowplows! Come forth, o' denizens of the file cabinet! I am the ultimate governor!!"  
The Mayor Sora performs the Roman salute and laughs maniacally. Before the Gaang can hold him down, The Mayor Sora runs off, defenestrating himself out of Kanga's house. The Gaang, plus Kanga, share a moment of stunned silence. Donald suddenly remembers something.  
"Oh yeah! That wasn't my grandpa who gave me all that medicine! It was Scrooge!"  
"Punkins!" Scrooge responds.  
Buzz groans in irritation, pinching the skin between his eyes. "Come on. We'd better go catch Sora before he hurts himself. And Scrooge, no talking for a week, because you're too stupid to live."  
"I don't take promises, my young space cadet glow."  
The Gaang run out of Kanga's house to go after The Mayor Sora, while Kanga continues to stare, trying to process what just happened. Roo pops out of her pouch.  
"Right on, Sora!"

The Gaang spent the next fifteen minutes trying to clear a path for the delirious The Mayor Sora, who puts them through such life-threatening tasks as herding a group of sheep, blowing up piles of boulders, and killing a field of killer plants. Finally, The Mayor Sora slows down and runs out of breath.  
"24-ounce... eggplants... must... be... recognized."  
The Mayor Sora collapses on the spot. The Gaang, covered in sheep bites, rubble and sharp-toothed carnivorous plants, run up to him to find that he is unconscious.  
"What's going on?" asks Donald.  
"Oh, he's just fainted," Buzz answers. "Lack of oxygen."  
"I likes a spot o' honey in me mornin' tea!" Scrooge announces  
"Hey! What did I say about talking?"  
"To not to?"  
"That's right. Now, we'd better find someone who can wake up Sora. With all the drugs he's been given, there's no telling what's going on in that little brain of his."

The inside of Sora's subconscious, at the moment, is a jumbled and disorganized mess of bad dreams and people he hasn't even met. However, Sora himself is too disoriented to even attempt to grasp what is happening in his psyche.  
"Gee! It sure is evil around here!"  
"Mah boi, this dinner is what all true warriors strive for."  
"I just wonder what The King is up to!"  
"Your Majesty, Doctor Rabbit and his minions have seized the spaghetti of Koridai."  
"Hmm... how can we help?"  
"It is written: 'Only Mama Luigi can eat Doctor Rabbit.'"  
"Great! I'll grab my heeead!"  
"There is no toast. Your sword is boring."  
"Squadelah! We'll die!"

Back in reality, Sora is being swung in a circle by the legs. Goofy, the offender, eventually loses his grip, tossing Sora. Buzz is apparently the only one that sees the absurdity of this action.  
"Did anyone here honestly think that would work?"  
"I did!" replies Scrooge.  
"Anyone besides Scrooge?"  
"I did!"  
"Okay, let's get serious. We need expert advice to get Sora back, and the only person in this world smart enough not to kill him is-"

Back in Sora's mind, things have gotten more hectic. The laws of time and volume have been lost in the disarray of Sora's brain.  
"Rawr! What you doin', Mister Volcano?"  
"Hello, Tyrannosaurus Alan! I'm filling my handsome volcano ladiiies with Volcanicityyyyy!"  
"Ay?!"  
"Rain filters down through my conkers to create a wild mineral breakfaaast that grabs life by the tree and hydrates you till you shout..."

....

Four //

////  
itchy..........  
tasty.  
"Try some!"  
Tysm!  
T/R/Y/S/O/M/E/!  
!emosyrt  
yso?!

...  
I do feel hydrated.

.................................dog.

A shirtless Sora lies on his back with a plugged-in toaster and hair dryer on his torso. Owl, the smartest resident of the _Winnie-the-Pooh_ canon, fills a wooden tub with water.  
"Are you sure this is physically safe, Mister Owl?" Buzz asks.  
"Oh, not to worry. This will barely hurt him... much."  
Owl pours the whole contents of the wooden tub onto Sora, causing the toaster and hair dryer to spark and emit strobe light effects, with the Gaang staring on in amazement. When the fireworks cease, Sora abruptly sits up and speaks quickly.  
"The brain synopsis of the tree is equal to the ten square linear crabs of the bayonet sign!! 5 percent is the norm!!"  
Sora immediately lies back down, unconscious once more. Donald is disappointed.  
"Well that was a rip-off. This is all your fault, Owl!"  
Donald grabs the fizzled toaster by its cord and proceeds to pummel Owl repeatedly with it.  
"Oof! Ow! Stop! Please! I'm too smart and cool for this! Ouch!"

As Donald continues to whack Owl around, Sora's subconscious reaches a peak in its inernal mayhem. Sora is now in a state where the senses mean nothing, and rational thought is impossible.  
"#llo there!

A.... I....M./ Doctor Rabbit. ~~~world's O&ly $/$ docter.  
5 12 giiiing s#ag  
children children children children children children/^^^all around the world.  
**Come along if you'd like**!

Itttts sure tbt adddddddddvent### ------ disco  
We gotta we gotta we gotta... wewewewewe-

Back in the real world, Sora begins to sweat and roll around in his sleep, looking quite uncomfortable. Donald finally stops pummeling Owl to pay attention to Sora like everyone else.  
"Now what is it?!" Donald asks impatiently.  
"That electrical shock must've interfered with Sora's brain functions, causing him to witness unpleasant imagery in his subconscious," explains Buzz.  
"So he's having a nightmare?" Goofy deduces.  
"Yeah, pretty much."  
Sora begins to sleeptalk. "It's my... father... I'm a little boy."  
Buzz is now quite fearful for Sora's well-being. "Oh no! He's babbling like an idiot! This is worse than I thought. If we don't act soon, our friend is going to be stuck in this comatose state forever. Gentlemen, it is time... for the ultimate minigame."  
Goofy, unable to believe what he's hearing, covers his ears in despair. "Oh no, golly gawrsh! Not the ultimate minigame! Anything but the ultimate minigame!!" He uncovers his ears with a hint of confusion on his face. "Uh... what is the ultimate minigame?"  
"Goofy, it's where no man has ever gone before."

Deep in a mine shaft in the Hundred-Acre Wood, the Gaang is seated in a cart with a large reaction engine strapped to its back. Gopher emerges from the engine, coated in oil and holding a monkey wrench. "Okay, shhonny! All shhyshhtemshh are chhhecked and ready to go!"  
Buzz tosses Gopher a coin. "Here. You can use that to buy some talking lessons."  
"Yeah!" Goofy butts in. "That way you'll be able to talk good. Like what I do. A-hyuck!"  
"Shut up, Goofy," Donald retorts.  
"Aww..."  
Buzz begins pressing random buttons in front of him. "I think you both could use some talking lessons by the time this is through."  
The engine on the mine cart rev up. Gopher gives the group an encouraging thumbs-up. "Gopshhpeed, shhonny!"  
"Shut up, Gopher," Donald responds.  
Before Gopher can even react, he engine bursts a pillar of flame right into his face, reducing him to a pile of ash and propelling the cart forwards, leaving the ashy Gopher in the dust. Tigger hops towards the pile of ash that was once Gopher and stares at it.  
"Oh boy! Pudding!" Tigger says joyfully, taking out a spoon and scooping up what's left of Gopher. He puts a spoonful of him in his mouth.  
"Ah! Charcoal-flavored! That's what Tiggers like best!"  
Meanwhile, Buzz is wildly pressing buttons and pulling control sticks, gradually increasing the speed of the cart. At the other end of the cave is a large wooden ramp, which happens to be aimed straight at the Sun. Donald grabs Buzz's helmet, trying to talk some sense into him.  
"Buzz, what're you doing?! If we hit that sun over there, we'll die!"  
"Not today, Donald."  
Scrooge McDuck holds on to the side of the cart for dear life. "One plus one equals one on a..."  
The mine cart launches itself off the ramp, flying at high-speed towards the Sun.  
"BUUUUUUUUUUUN!"  
Buzz presses a button on the mine cart, which causes a laser cannon mechanism and wings to pop out of the mine cart.  
"Time for Phase Fun," announces Buzz, gripping a retro video game controller in the cart. He furiously begins tapping a button, causing the laser cannon to fire numerous shots at the Sun. This results in the Sun raining rogue fireballs onto the land below, destroying everything in their wake, particularly onto the garden of Rabbit, who is quite displeased.  
"Blasted Internet trolls!" Rabbit shouts angrily into the sky, only to be met by a fireball onto his person. Soon enough, the Sun begins to spark and expand, reaching critical mass within seconds. Scrooge cannot believe his eyes.  
"_WHAT THE FU-_"  
Everyone screams as the Sun explodes with a spectacular light, engulfing all of the Hundred-Acre Wood.

Back at Merlin's Place, Merlin and the others sit patiently for the Gaang's return. Yuffie, now awake, is holding her head, apparently "hungover" from the tranquilizer she received. Merlin is quite curious about what's taking Sora and the others so long. "Say, Yuffie-"  
Yuffie winces, still groggy. "Gandalf, uh... Dumbledore, Merlin, could you not speak so loudly? I've got a splitting headache right now, and my mouth tastes like Black Mage."  
"I tried to stop him," Leon says.  
"I know, Leon," Merlin responds. "We saw the whole thing. Cid even video-taped it."  
As proof, Cid holds up the camera. "Anyone wanna wa-"  
It is clear to the others what Cid is going to ask, and all but Black Mage knows how to properly answer the question. "_No!!_"  
"Yes," says Black Mage.  
All of a sudden, the _Winnie-the-Pooh_ book nearby begins to rumble and shake. It then explodes in a brilliant light, ejecting the Gaang. Sora is still sound asleep. Merlin is quick to greet them. "Sora, Donald, and Goofy! We've waited so long for your return!"  
Buzz averts his eyes in uneasiness. "Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, but all we've done is turn Sora into a vegetable, so I want you to do us all a favor. Merlin, make me the main cha-"  
Just before Buzz can finish his sentence, Sora awakes from his slumber, with the brightest smile on his face.  
"Guys! Guys! You'll never guess where I've been! I was just in a parade filled with refridgerators and frogs and blue people and the Statue of Liberty! Then I got to help Mama Luigi defeat the evil Doctor Rabbit! It was a beautiful nightmare of the surreal!"  
Everyone, ignoring all that nonsense Sora just spurted out, stares at him with amazement and surprise.  
"What's wrong?" Sora asks. "You all look like you don't know who I am. I'm Sora! The Keybearer, remember?"  
After one look at each other, everyone except Buzz begins to cheer with joy, with Sora joining in soon after. "Yeaaah!! Uh... what did I do?"  
Merlin places his hand onto Sora's shoulder. "Oh, Sora. We're so glad to have you back. That means Buzz won't become the main character."  
Buzz looks down in dismay upon hearing these news.  
"But I regret to inform you that due to your rash actions, you've destroyed the _Winnie-the-Pooh_ book in the process of curing Sora."  
Everyone looks at where the book once was; a smoldering pile of ash has taken its place. Sora scratches his head in mild embarassment.  
"Well, uh... I guess that makes one less Keyhole to worry about."  
Leon, however, isn't taking this very lightly. "That was my favorite book!"  
"Yeah, well serves you right for the time you busted up my favorite chamberpot," Merlin retorts.  
Merlin waves his wand and hits Leon with a swift, yellow orb of magic, which causes him to vomit a writhing mass of live foot-long earthworms. This only serves to provoke Leon even further. "Oh, I _hate_ it when you do that!"  
"You wanna rumble? Bring it on!"  
Fighter steps in, hoping to calm everyone down. "C'mon, you guys! Whatever happened to mass-helping people and swords?"  
Squall and Merlin charge towards each other and engage in a fistfight, much like that that occured between Yuffie and Cid earlier. Sparks of magic fly out of the resulting fight cloud as the two toss disparaging comments at each other.  
"Lousy preppy!! With your emo music and wavy hair!"  
"Crazy old man!! I bet you haven't gotten a date since the 1800's!"  
Sora and the Gaang begin to back off towards the door "I guess now would be a good time to run for our lives."  
The Gaang get the heck out of Merlin's Place and hop inside the Gummi Ship. The Gummi Ship starts up and lifts off, flying over Merlin's Place during the task. Just then, a nature-defying mushroom cloud of supernatural properties engulfs Merlin's Place and the Gummi Ship. When the dust settles, neither of the two are seen, teleported to parts unknown.


	9. Episode 9: The Toys Are Back in Town

In a ten-year old child's bedroom, a pullstring cowboy doll and an Etch-A-Stetch have their backs against each other, apparently in a showdown. After about what seems like half a minute, the cowboy doll speaks up. "Hey, Etch. Draw!"  
The two toys swiftly turn towards each other. Woody pretends to draw a gun, while Etch literally draws an extremely detailed Marlin Model 1894 onto its screen in about three seconds. Woody convulses, pretending to be shot.  
"D'oh! Got me again! Etch, have you been working on that draw? Fastest knobs in the West."  
This kissing-up session is interrupted by the call of a grizzled war veteran. "Woodyyy!"  
Woody looks up in the direction of the sound to see that Sarge, the commander of Woody's army of plastic soldiers, is partially stuck inside a CD-i system. The Sarge is quick to point out his predicament. "I got stuck in the CD-i!"  
"Gee, I wish I could help," said Woody, looking around the room. "But I seem to have left the, uh, oven on in the dollhouse or... something. Have fun."  
The Sarge can only watch in disgust as Woody abandons him. "Wait, you can't just leave me here! Woody, you goddamned Communist heathen!! You make me wanna vomit!!"  
Hamm the Piggy Bank walks toward the CD-i and shoves Sarge fully into it. "Ah, shut up, you old fogey. Now it's time for some games!"  
The TV connected to the CD-i magically turns on. The figures of Sarge and Gannon the Sorceror appear on the screen in front of the backdrop of an abandoned warehouse. Gannon is clearly not pleased with the Sarge's arrival. "You dare bring light to my lair?! You must die!"  
"What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?! Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough atte-"  
Before the Sarge can finish his insult, Gannon fires bolts of lightning from his hands at the Sarge, killing him. Hamm can't help but chuckle at this event taking place.  
"Heh heh heh... I just love retro games."  
Meanwhile, a flustered Woody approaches a sketchpad lying on the floor.  
"Hey, who put my sketchpad way over here?"  
Without warning, a green dinosaur figure hops in front of Woody, apparently with the intent of startling him.  
"Roooooar!! Uh... hi."  
Woody, unmoved, pinches the skin between his eyes and sighs. "Listen. If it's not too much trouble, could you fail at life some other time? I've got work to do, and I don't have time for this. So just jump off the stairs or whatever it is you do all day."  
"Okay!"  
While Rex goes off to do just that, Woody takes the stand of a large tin container, holding a microphone along with his sketchpad. He taps on the microphone and breathes on it while everyone else continues to fool around.  
"Um, your attention, please. Hello? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home? Hello?"  
The denizens of the room continue to poke each other's eyes and generally run around like idiots. Woody speaks up once again, pulling out his ace in the hole for such an occasion.  
"The square root of 9 is 3!"  
The denizens of the bedroom gasp at this startling revelation and remain quiet for the rest of the meeting.  
"Alright. Now that I've got your attention, I'd like to go over a few things. First of all, I can't seem to find my bacon recipe. I repeat: my family recipe for bacon has been lost. If you have any information of its whereabouts, please contact me immediately. Do I make myself clear?"  
Hamm begins to stutter and sweat nervously. "Uh... Hamm isn't here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beeeeeeeeep..."  
Woody, unconvinced, figures out the perp in the group. "Riiight. It has come to my attention that Hamm has the bacon recipe. In relatively recent news, there will be a barbeque at 7:30 this evening right after the Funny Hour. Are there any objections?"  
"I object!" Hamm shouts.  
"Overruled. Also, just a reminder that tomorrow is Hawaiian Shirt Day, so remember to bring a sufficiently tacky shirt for work tomorrow lest you become the object of much unbearable ridicule."  
Mister Potato Head, the deadpan snarker of the crowd, decides that it's time for one of his witty tirades. "Work?! We don't do any work! The last time we did work was-"  
"Nobody likes you," Woody interrupts. "So anyway, today is Mincemeat Muffin Monday in the cafeteria. Oh, and Andy's birthday party has been moved to today. Meeting adjourned."  
After a few seconds of stunned silence, all of the toys in the room go into a panicked frenzy, frightened by this turn of events.  
"Oh God, oh God, oh God! I need a new job," Mister Potato Head moans as the Speak & Spell sparks with stress.  
"Too much pressure! Pressure!"  
Speak & Spell runs to the door and throws himself off the stairway and into Rex, sending Rex tumbling down with him.  
"Ow, my squeezing eye..." says Rex weakly.  
Back in the room, Woody attempts to get a hold of the situation. "Please, calm down, everyone! I know that tension is high this week, but we've got to calm down! Plastic erosion's already high enough as it is, and we don't need it getting any worse!"  
The toys continue to panic frantically, having lost all sense of reason. Just when the mania reaches its peak, a flash engulfs the room. A familiar-looking dollhouse has appeared mid-air in the center of the room and plummets to the floor, crushing Slinky Dog. Everybody in the room stops what they're doing and gasp.  
"Oh my God! They killed Slinky!" Mister Potato Head exclaims in horror. Hamm is also angered.  
"You basta-"  
Another flash fills the room. The Gummi Ship, reduced to a plastic model, glides down from the center of the room and crashes into Hamm, shattering him into a million pieces. The other toys whine in disappointment.  
"There goes the barbeque," Woody says to himself as Mister Potato Head approaches him.  
"Woody, these new guys are ruining our schedule and cutting into my siesta time! What should we do about this?"  
"Alright, listen. I know these events have taken place without my say-so, but all I can suggest is that we pull ourselves together and give our murderous new friends a nice, big... Andy's Room welcome."  
Woody walks over to the dollhouse and opens its door, waving his hand to the beings inside. "Hello!"  
Inside the dollhouse is a plastic version of Merlin's Place, complete with non-removable stickers. The people inside the house have been turned into pullstring doll versions of themselves. Fighter and Black Mage, on the other hand, have been turned into wind-up toys. Yuffie realizes something.  
"Just a few minutes ago, my mouth tasted like Black Mage. Now it tastes like plastic. I never thought I'd miss the taste of Black Mage so much."  
"That explosion must've warped us to another world!" Merlin deduces. "Oh, this is the fourth time this has happened, I swear!"  
"Just look on the bright side," says Leon. "At least you didn't warp us to that _Little Mermaid_ world again. The smell of sardines... does _not_ come off."  
"At least I got to feel up some hot mermaid chicks," Cid recalls. "But I think one of them was dead."  
Fighter squirms with childish disgust. "Ewwwww!"  
Black Mage, however, is quite interested. "Your sexual voyages intrigue me, and I wish to learn more."  
Merlin's had just about enough at this point. "Come now, students. Let's stop talking about dead mermaids and pay attention to that freaky-looking cowboy doll talking to us."  
Everyone in the dollhouse turns their attention to Woody, who is still standing at the doorway. Merlin steps forward and speaks to him slowly, as if trying to talk to a European.  
"Hellooooo... parson! Wheeere can we fiiind aaa... repaaaaairiiing statiooon arooouuund heeere?"  
This only serves to weird out Woody. "Uh... hi. I'm Sheriff Woody, and this... is Andy's Room. Now, we're just trying to make you feel comfortable around here, so we're going to lay down a few rules."  
The Gummi Ship opens up on the table above. The Gaang, also turned into a group of pullstring dolls, steps out.  
"Why does my mouth taste like plastic?" Sora asks.  
"Uh, Sora, I think we've all been turned into toys," says Goofy. "Like Buzz."  
Buzz is quite unaware of that concept. "Toy?"  
"T-O-Y. Toy," Sora spells out.  
"I believe the word you're searching for is 'Space Ranger'," Buzz replies.  
"The word I'm searching for is... I can't say it, because Goofy's present."  
In response, Goofy waves to Sora. "Hello!"  
Merlin walks out of his (doll)house and calls to the Gaang. "Sora! Donald! Goofy! Come down here at once and help me talk to these natives! They're looking rather hungry!"  
"I don't think they want to eat us, Merlin," Sora calls back. "Now can you explode your house again so we can return to normal?"  
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Sora. After a blast like that, my wand needs a few hours to recharge its batteries."  
Donald finds that hard to believe. "Wait, your wand needs batteries?!"  
"Yes, Donald. My dear old schoolteacher McGonagle never allowed the use of natural wands in her premises. She said it goes against the rules of God."  
Sora doesn't believe that either. "What?! But people like you break the rules of God all the time! How could she not let you use a regular wand?!"  
"Beats me. She never was right in the head in her old age."  
Sora groans. "All right. Let's just get out of here and come up with a way to kill some time while Merlin recharges his batteries. Hopefully we won't destroy the world like last-"  
"Wait! I hear something," Buzz interrupts.  
Everyone goes quiet as the sound of footsteps fills the air. Woody then loudly breaks the silence.  
"It's the birthday party!! Everyone, get into character!!"  
All of the toys except Merlin's Cult and the Gaang flop down on the floor lifelessly as the footsteps get louder. Buzz steps forward.  
"Stand back, everyone! I'll subdue them with some laser music."  
Buzz adopts a stance in which he aims his laser arm at the door. When the door bursts open, Buzz begins firing his laser. All of the kids who get in the way of the laser, including Andy, fall to the floor, as motionless as can be. Buzz blows on his laser.  
"There. That takes care of that problem."  
Black Mage can't help but feel a little jealous. "I would've done that. Errr... if I knew the spell."  
Goofy observes the children closely. "Um... I don't think they're breathing."  
Buzz looks at his laser setting to make sure he didn't do anything wrong. "Hmm, that's odd. Wonder what's the... oh, here's the problem! I forgot to set the laser from 'Kill' to 'Stun' again! Silly me!"  
"Oh, great," Sora drones. "Another run-in with the law. That's just what I need. Look, let's just get out of here and get some pizza. If we're lucky, we won't draw attention to ourselves."  
"I want bananas on my pancakes!" Scrooge says.  
"You don't know how close you are, Scrooge. You don't know how close."

Now that they're outside of Andy's house, the Gaang sit around at the sidewalk and brainstorm their next fiendish plot.  
"So how long is it going to take for anyone to discover the bodies?" Sora asks.  
"Relax, Sora," Buzz reassures. "Fighter said he'd take care of it."

Andy's mother comes up the stairs and enters Andy's room, where the dead children are still lying. "Andy, lunch is ready!"  
Andy's mom looks down to see a note taped onto the pile of corpses that reads: _I arr nott ded. I'm taiking ann affturnoon napp.  
_While the spelling and handwriting are atrocious and totally not Andy's as far as his mother knows, she doesn't find anything the least bit suspect. "Hmm... okay!"  
She leaves, closing the door behind her.

"So how are we gonna get to this pizza place?" Goofy wonders.  
"I haven't really figured that out, actually," Buzz confesses. "We'll have to come up with a Plan THINK FAST!!"  
Buzz abruptly zaps one of the tires off a passing vehicle, bringing it to a screeching halt. The driver, a Mexican-looking chap, gets out of the vehicle, disgruntled beyond belief.  
"Gaaah!! I'm so disgruntled beyond belief!! If I were any more disgruntled, I'd be very disgruntled!! Ohh, si Cocinero De Pantalones Fantas a hab a ideales, que yo creo que aqu m s de defecar barbacoa..."  
The driver continues to mumble profanities in Spanish as he crouches over to examine his tire. The Gaang sneak towards the driver's door and quickly swing open the door and hop into the driver's seat. However, it is not until Buzz starts the engine that the driver's attention is caught.  
"Hey!! You stop this car!! La Gripe Española de la huelga de su madre!!"  
The driver dashes around the car towards the driver's side as Goofy undoes the parking brake.  
"Buzz, do something!" Donald shouts.  
"I'm on it," says Buzz, setting his laser settings from 'Kill' to 'Burn'. Just as the driver is about to grab Buzz, Buzz lasers the driver's eye, which becomes black and bubbly. The driver is reduced to rolling around on the floor, holding his eye in pain.  
"_GAAAAAHHH!!! I'm bliiind!!_ Well, actually I'm not, _but I'm blind in one eye!!_ I'm like that little niña from that one dibujo animado, but with one eye!"  
"Hit it!" Buzz says in a hurry.  
Scrooge McDuck jumps onto the gas pedal, basically flooring it. The car speeds off into the distance, leaving the driver behind.  
"Hey!! That's my car!! I had two more payments on that!! Mierda mear cogida concha martillo madre tetaaaaas!!"

Buzz can honestly say that he is quite proud of himself, and quite surprised to learn how effective carjacking turned out to be. "Well that turned out better than I expected. Next stop: Pizza Planet!"  
Sora can no longer contain his excitement. "Yeah, Pizza Planet!"  
Everyone in the car except Buzz begins chanting "Pi-zza!" over and over again and fool around in various ways. Scrooge hops on the gas pedal in time to the chanting, while Goofy pushes and pulls the gear shift in the same fashion. This causes the car to drive erratically, naturally wearing on Buzz's patience.  
"Guys, stop! I can't drive efficiently with all of you hyped up like this! Please stop! I can't... hey! Quit it!"  
The Gaang ignores Buzz's words and continue with their fun-having. The car does donuts, specifically runs over old ladies, and turns on its hydraulics at random intervals. Eventually, it runs into a building with a loud crash. To top it all off, Scrooge turns to the others and puts a finger to his mouth. "Shhhhh..."  
Buzz turns to Scrooge, his eye almost twitching. "You know what, Scrooge? I'm just about ready to dismember someone. Do you wanna know who? Of course you don't. Because you're _stupid!!_"  
"What's this I hear about vile mint video games? Oh, never mind."  
Buzz, fed up with the Gaang's antics, lazily looks at the inside of the car. "This car's damaged beyond repair. We'll have to continue on foot."  
"Walk?! That wasn't part of the deal!" A disappointed Sora whines.  
"Well, you should've thought about that before you decided to make complete twits of yourselves and sabotage our trip to the Pizza Planet!"  
"Well excuuuuse me, princess! You should've thought about yelling at me before you crashed into the same place that we were going!"  
Sora points towards the doorway to Pizza Planet to their right, The doorway is guarded by two animatronic robots standing at each of the door's sides. A happy-go-lucky kid with his mother hops his way to the doorway, which opens automatically.  
"_You are clear to enter. Welcome to Pizza Planet._"  
"All right, then," Buzz says. "Doesn't look that hard to get in. Let's go."  
The Gaang exit the now-busted car and head towards the doorway. They approach the doorway, but the doors don't open, perplexing Buzz.  
"Hmm, that's odd. It should be opening right about now."  
"_You are not clear to enter. You are not Americans. Only Americans can enter this establishment. In America._"  
Scrooge, ignorant of the robots, makes his order. "Why, yes, um, I'll have a large personal pan pizza with a side of breadsticks and a Mountain Dwah, please."  
"_Do not toy with us, you nips. We are American robots. You cannot fool us with your un-American tricks. In America._"  
"Why are the robots around here always so racist?" asks Goofy.  
Buzz has an ace up his sleeve. "Okay then, 'Mister Robotos'. Since you're so American, why does it say 'Sony' on your feet?"  
The robots look down at their right feet and find the word "SONY" branded on their feet. They look back up to find the Gaang looking at them suspiciously.  
"Not so American now, are ya," Donald remarks.  
"_But not us, the Americans, the us who said we hated you. We-you, love, hate, Yankees, clouds-_"  
The heads of the robots explode in a spectacular fashion, scattering shrapnel and oil in every direction. The door to Pizza Planet opens.  
"Guess we'll have to order inside," says Scrooge.

The Gaang find themselves in a futuristic pizza place filled with colorful strobe lights, a crapload of violent arcade games, and best of all, frightening life-sized animatronic animals taking peoples' orders. Buzz looks on in amazement. "What a spaceport!"  
Ruining this moment of ecstacy is a robotic raccoon that wheels its way up to Buzz, standing just inches away from him. Its sudden appearance (and appearance in general) scares Buzz into giving off a girly shriek and jumping into Goofy's arms.  
"And just what in the name of my grandpa's wooden leg are you?!" Buzz asks the robotic pest.  
"_Hi! My name's Ralphie and I'll be your service slave today! Let me take you to your seats!_"  
Ralphie grabs the Gaang and wheels them over to a random booth. He grabs each of the Gaang members and chucks them into their seats. He lays the menus gently (in stark contrast to the way he seated the Gaang) onto the table and leaves without a word. Buzz opens his mouth to speak, but before he can, an animatronic pig wheels its way up to the table.  
"_Haldo, my young parsons! My name's Bloaty and I'll be your service slave today!_"  
Sora, slightly shaken, attempts to speak up. "Thanks, but we already have a-"  
"_May I take your order?!_"  
"NO!!" Sora yells. "Look, can you give us time to make one first?!"  
Bloaty stares vacantly into space as if the question doesn't apply to him. "_Okay!_" he says suddenly. He proceeds to wheel away and run into the same wall over and over again, leaving the Gaang to share their discomfort.  
"These robots are really starting to scare the crap outta me," says Sora. "I'm ready to play some games."  
"Hey, Buzz, you got any money?" asks Goofy.  
"Uh..." Buzz snatches Donald's staff and bludgeons Scrooge over the head with it, knocking him unconscious. Buzz then digs through Scrooge's pockets and pulls out two large moneybags, handing them to Sora and Goofy. "Go crazy."  
They each take a moneybag, not hesitating to run off to the fun area. Goofy approaches a stage, where a band of animatronic animals stands inactive. Goofy takes a coin out of his moneybag and inserts it into a slot on the stand. As the band creaks to life, a robotic horse, Henry, leans toward the microphone in front of him.  
"_You must construct additional pylons._"  
The band springs to life as they start playing their instruments; Henry the Horse plays a virtuoso accordion and repeats the word 'pylons' to the beat of the music, while the other band members recite other phrases throughout the song. Goofy, enjoying himself, smiles and claps to the music like an utter imbecile. Sora can only roll his eyes at Goofy's infantile behavior.  
"You have fun there, Goofy. If you need me, I'll be playing some violent video games."

Sora walks over to a Whac-A-Mole machine titled "Beat the Meat!". He inserts a coin and climbs up the machine, grabbing the mallet (which has a nail in it) on his way to the top.  
"Let's beat some meat!!" Sora declares.  
What followed can only be described as mayhem. Sora, being a master at such games, showed no mercy in whacking those happy-looking sausages into unrecognizable messes as they spring out of the holes in the machine. Sora's frantic playing style served to quickly coat himself and the area around him in sausage innards. This does not seem to annoy the restaurant patrons surrounding him, as they're too preoccupied with their cheese-crammed pizzas and over-carbonated sodas to even notice, let alone care. The game finally ends as Sora runs out of breath.  
"All right, you stupid machine. Gimme my prize!"  
A can of tuna jettisons out of the machine's prize chute and lands on the floor. Sora looks at it with disbelief.  
"Meaty... you... _SUCK!!_"  
Sora whacks the machine with the mallet before heading towards his booth in a tizzy. He is too annoyed to notice Maleficent and Pete sitting in one of the booths he passes by on the way. Pete is snapping his fingers to the "Pylons" song Goofy's been listening to many times in a row, no doubt annoying Maleficent.  
"Pete, may I ask you to stop snapping to that horrid song?" Maleficent asks of Pete, trying not to scream.  
"What? It's catchy!"  
"Remind me to mercilessly beat whoever composed this song."  
"Look, Maleficent, I know you're upset that I got us lost back at Radiator Springs and all, but you just gotta let it go!"  
"We got lost because of YOU!! I swear, that's the last time we take directions from a squirrel..."

Sora sits at his booth with Buzz, Donald, and a now-conscious Scrooge. He is quick to express his irritation. "That meat-beating game was a load of bull-"  
"Um, Sora... Maleficent and Pete are here," Buzz interrupts.  
"You think I wouldn't notice that?" Sora bluffs.  
"Yes I do."  
"Well, you're right. What should we do?"  
"I suggest we sneak out of here while we still can. By my calculations, the batteries in Merlin's wand should be fully recharged by now, which means we can get back to finding Keyholes and getting that antidote."  
"Oh, good! That song Goofy's listening to is really starting to eat at my brain.  
"At least I get a line," Donald mutters.  
Sora jogs over to Goofy and grabs him by the arm, dragging him away from the stage.  
"C'mon, Goofy. Time to go."  
"B-but, but..."  
Donald, Buzz and Scrooge get up to follow Sora and Goofy to the door. Just as they open the door, they are all grabbed by the animatronic animals. Maleficent and Pete approach them and the two groups glare at each other grudgingly. After what seems like a minute, Scrooge breaks the silence.  
"Well howdy-owdy-ooo-dooo!"  
"How dare you spoil the dramatic moment, you decrepit old fool!!" Maleficent shouts furiously. "I can control your mind!!"  
Maleficent dramatically raises her arms up into the air, but nothing happens. Crickets begin to chirp as Scrooge continues to grin like an idiot.  
"My magic must be broken," deduces Maleficent. "You should be pledging your eternal allegiance to me by now! Why aren't you doing that?!"  
"I like cereal, yes I do! Fix me a big ol' bowl," replies Scrooge.  
"Oh yes, that's right. You have no mind to control. No matter! I will still dispose of you, and then Mercedes-Benz will love me again!"  
Pete clears his throat.  
"Uh, I mean, praise me, too! They'll love _and_ praise me again!"  
"Aww..."  
"And I'll get a high enough salary to raise my army to enormous proportions, so that dreadful King Mickey is finished, too! It is I who gets the last laugh!" Feeling victorious, Maleficent performs her best noblewoman's laugh. "I'm laughing now, too, just in case. Anyhow, do you have any last requests before your untimely demise? Besides letting you go?"  
Goofy raises a hand. "Can I use my last coin?"  
"Well... I don't see why not. Besides, it'd be more satisfying to see you all perish poor."  
The animatronic animal holding Goofy releases its grip, allowing Goofy to walk off his his coin at hand. He approaches the stage where the band once stood and inserts his coin into the built-in slot. As if on cue, the animatronic animals all let go of the Gaang and don their musical instruments.  
"_You must construct additional pylons._"  
The animatronic animals hop around merrily as they play their instruments and spurt meaningless phrases. Maleficent can only watch in agitation at these events taking place.  
"Curses! I was sure this would work!"  
"C'mon, Maleficent," says Sora. "Did you actually expect a bunch of creepy animatronic animals to defeat a Keyblade-wielding spiky brown-haired teenager?"  
"Actually... for a minute there, yes, I kind of did."  
"I guess there's a lesson to be learned there, Maleficent," says Buzz. "Now if you excuse us, we've gotta get home and get back to our ship. Everybody, hold my hands."  
The other Gaang members do just that with a hint of discomfort on their faces.  
"But Buzz, we don't have a car," says Donald.  
"Cars? Where we're going, we don't need cars," announces Buzz. "We're going to take to the skies!"  
Sora is aghast. "What?!"  
Buzz dons his built-in wings and runs out of the restaurant door, dragging the rest of the Gaang along with him. He increases his speed as he approaches the sidewalk and leaps...  
"To infinity AND BEYOOOOO-"  
...right into the grill of an upcoming car.

After a painful ride to Andy's House, the Gaang free themselves from the car's grill in time to lay broken in front of the house.  
"My bones... and organs... and bones again," moans Goofy.  
Buzz checks every non-removable sticker on his person, trying to find out what went wrong. "I don't get it! Why couldn't I fly?"  
Sora, deciding to break the news to Buzz, walks over to him and grabs one of his wings, shaking it a little. "What? Fly?! Look, pal. These are plastic. You can't fly."  
"They're made of a terrilium alloy and I _can_ fly," corrects Buzz.  
"No, you can't."  
"Yes, I can."  
"You can't."  
"Can."  
"Can't! Can't! Caaan't!"  
"I bet you I can fly around this neighborhood with my eyes closed!" Buzz declares.  
"I wouldn't be able to see very well with his eyes closed," Scrooge deduces.  
"Shut up, Scrooge!" Sora and Buzz shout in unison.  
"Aww..."

The Gaang enter Andy's House and venture to Andy's Room, which now smells of rotting children. Everyone in the room is plugging their noses. Merlin is quick to welcome back the Gaang.  
"Oh, Sora, I'm so glad you're here! My batteries are recharged, and I'm very much sick of this rancid smell going on!"  
"Yeah!" concurs Sheriff Woody. "If there was a law against "massive stink", I'd have you arrested!"  
On that note, Fighter has a suggestion. "I'm just throwing out ideas here, but... why don't you just make one?"  
"Well, I do hate that smell," ponders Woody. "All right. Since I'm sheriff, I hereby arrest Potato Head for massive stink."  
Mister Potato Head tries desperately to defend himself. "Wait a sec! I didn't even kill those kids! Cut me some slack!"  
These pleas, however, fall on deaf ears. "After you've scrubbed all the floors in Andy's House, then we can talk about slack! Take him away!"  
As Rock'n Robot drags Mister Potato Head off to his duties, Woody thinks to himself. "Hmm... The Sheriff Woody. I like the sound of that."  
Merlin clears his throat. "Now, before we have to deal with another corrupt figure of authority, I suggest we get ourselves out of here. Allow me to-"  
A small Keyhole-shaped glow radiates from the Etch-a-Sketch, blinding Merlin. "I can't concentrate with this light show! Sora, get rid of it!"  
"I'm on it." Sora's Keyblade points at the Etch-a-Sketch and gives off a small ray of light. The Keyhole disappears with a bright flash. Merlin is now able to unshield his eyes.  
"That's better. Now to get ourselves out of this crazy place. Du-wop... dee-dee-dee-dee... woppity-doo... du_-wop!!"_  
Merlin follows this incantation with a flick of his wand, causing a nature-defying mushroom cloud of supernatural properties to explode on the ceiling of Andy's Room, engulfing Merlin's Place and the Gummi Ship.

At the Radiant Garden, Merlin's Place, back to normal size, has returned to its former location. Yuffie stretches out her back.  
"It's so good to be back! I was getting tired of the taste of plastic, anyway."  
Cid cracks his knuckles. "Yeah. And it's more satisfyin' to feel up chicks when you're made of flesh and organs."  
"I guess it's true what they say," Black Mage says. "Great minds _do_ think alike. Of course, the word "great" is interchangeable with "utterly perverted", am I right?"  
"You said it, BM!" agrees Cid. "High-five!" Black Mage and Cid give each other a high-five. Leon approaches Merlin, having something to ask.  
"Merlin, do you see Sora and his friends anywhere?"  
"As a matter of fact, no I... oh, codswallop! I forgot to carry the 6!"  
"This looks like a great place for a cliffhanger," says Fighter.  
"Shut up, Fighter!" everyone else shouts.  
"Aww..."


	10. Episode 10: Information StupidHighway

Sora wakes up on the floor of a very strange room, more accurately a cell. He discovers that he has been fitted into a black outfit covered in lit, blue lines. Sora looks out of the cell's window to find a large, digital-looking landscape. His sightseeing is interrupted by the joyous raving of a certain senile duck behind him.  
"Earth!! We've made it!!"  
Sora turns to find that the rest of the Gaang are in the cell with him, wearing black outfits similar to the one he is wearing at that very moment. Scrooge is kissing the ground, unaware that this not in fact Earth. Sora then recognizes his surroundings.  
"Wait, we're in the Tron world? How did we get here?!"  
Buzz steps forward to answer. "Merlin must've sent us here by mistake. Or not. I'm becoming more and more tempted to examine his no-doubt deteriorating brain when we get back."  
"But Buzz," says Goofy. "Lasering your teacher's head open isn't a part of being a magic-using weapon of mass-helping people!"  
"I'll let you know when I start to care," Buzz replies.  
"Okay."  
Donald raises his hands, requesting silence. "You guys be quiet! I hear something coming."  
Everyone quiets down as loud footsteps approach the cell. As a safety precaution, the Gaang unsheath their weapons and take defensive stances, ready for who-or-whatever is coming this way. A fearsome, bulky figure, wearing a muzzle and covered in glowing blue lines, walks through the door and jumps at the sight of the armed prisoners, appearing quite startled.  
"Whoa, whoa, stop!" the bulky figure lisps in a high-pitched voice. "Slow down there, partner! I mean you no harm!"  
Sora and the Gaang, taken aback by the figure's wimpy voice and demeanor, lower their guards.  
"Y'know, I'm really getting sick of people with speech impediments," Buzz comments. "No offense, by the way."  
"None taken, bad-face," the large figure replies. "Anyway, my name's Nozzit, and I'm the security guard of this place. Oh, and I apologize for the inconvenience, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to be locked up here for all eternity."  
"Eternity?!" says Sora incredulously. "Who knows how long that'll be?!"  
"We can't wait that long!" Donald adds. "We've got lives! Real ones!"  
"Who wants to be a millionaire? I are!" declares Scrooge.  
"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that," Nozzit says apologetically. "I wish there was some way to help you out, but I can't really do that. Y'see, it's The MCP's rules, not mine."  
This strikes Goofy as confusing. "The MCP? But I thought we got rid of The MCP. Didn't we?"  
"Of course we did!" Sora recalls. "We were there with Tron when that happened!"  
Nozzit shushes the Gaang and glances frantically from left to right. "Quiet down! Do you wanna get de-rezzed?! In this world, we refer to him as The MCP Tron."  
Donald doesn't believe what he's hearing. "Tron is the MCP?!"  
"That's right," Nozzit replies. "And if you enjoy life, you'd best start referring to him as The MCP Tron from now on."  
"But why would Tron wanna lock us up here?" Goofy asks. "I thought he was our friend."  
"I'm pretty sure he was," says Nozzit. "In fact, I knew him a little myself before he became The MCP, but that's just it! Ever since he took over as The MCP, he hasn't been the same! All he ever does now is challenge random people to his gladiator games. He assigned me as security guard to keep me from stopping him."  
"This isn't good, Sora," Buzz states gravely. "A high government position plus unlimited technology equals the toughest corrupt politician we've ever faced. This just might spell disaster for us all."  
"Well then what're we waiting for?!" says Sora. "We'd better go now before I get scared just thinking about it!"  
Sora and the Gaang make their way towards the door of the cell, but Nozzit moves to block their way and raises his arms.  
"Wait, what're you doing?! You can't go out there! You'll be de-rezzified!"  
Sora is unfazed. "I don't think that'll be a problem. If they really want to de-rezz us, they'll have to do a little something called... oh, what's that word... _catching_us first. C'mon, let's go."  
Nozzit, defeated, moves aside and allows the Gaang to leave the cell and head for the exit of the prison.  
"Wait," Nozzit says, approaching the Gaang. "If you're really planning to stop The MCP Tron, and I'm pretty sure you won't, then I'm coming with you. After all, I'll be de-rezzed anyway."  
Sora mulls this over a bit. "Hmm... okay, you can come with us, but only if you promise to say that we'll win instead of lose."  
"And to get talking lessons sometime," Buzz adds.  
"Okily dokily," Nozzit responds, giving the 'okay' sign with his hand.

The Gaang walk down the hallway of the digital prison, with Nozzit guiding them along.  
"So Nozzit," says Sora, trying to strike up a conversation. "How did you get to meet Tron anyhow?"  
"Well," Nozzit begins. "It all started when I was looking up Princess Peach porn on DeviantArt, since, y'know, she's a nice lady n' all. Tron came by and-"  
Before Nozzit can continue, he is interrupted by the prison's alarm system. The MCP Tron's voice echoes through the air over the intercom system. The Gaang are quick to notice that The MCP Tron has obtained a strange Texan accent.  
"_Attention, escapifyin' fugitives. You are hereby sentenced to immediate derezzification for tryin' to escapinate my prison for holdin' criminals, and for not calling me by my proper name._"  
Nozzit steps forward, gathering up the courage to rebuke his supposed former friend, but all he can manage is "Uh... uh... hey, Tron! Why don'tcha go blow it out your ear?!"  
"_You seem to misunderestimate my totalidigital powers, my little companionator_," says The MCP Tron. "_Now you get to meet my mindless securitories, who are sharp-nosed killers and will wound you repeatedly."_  
"Did that make any sense?" asks Buzz.  
An entire army of digital Heartless storm through the hallway to face the Gaang, who proceed to take defensive stances.  
"No," answers Sora. "But I bet it did to Scrooge."  
"Turn down that digital racket!" Scrooge shouts. "My TV show's here."  
"Stand back, kids," Nozzit says, backing up. "Things could get ugly!"  
Nozzit proceeds to charge right through the army of Heartless with a shrill battle shriek. This allows the Gaang to navigate through the hallways of the prison without hindrance. They eventually make their way outside of the prison, where a Solar Sailer is conveniently parked.  
"I'm driving," says Buzz impulsively.  
Nozzit pushes Buzz aside. "No you're not! I am! This is my ship!"  
"Oh, sorry. Force of habit."  
Nozzit hops onto the Solar Sailer and activates the ship. Everyone else follows his lead and gets on board just as more Heartless flow out of the prison in an attempt to apprehend the fugitives. Nozzit turns on the Solar Sailer and speeds out of the area, leaving the prison and the Heartless in the dust.

Everything is safe now as the Solar Sailer drifts across the empty digital plains on its way to its next destination.  
"So where are we headed, anyway?" Sora wonders.  
"We're going to the Game Grid," Nozzit responds. "We'll be able to get close enough to Tron from there."  
"So, could you us more about how you two met?" asks Buzz, hoping Nozzit would finish the story he started at the prison.  
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot!" Nozzit recalls. "Well, like I said, it all started when I was looking up Princess Peach porn on DeviantArt."  
The scene begins to ripple, but is abruptly interrupted by Scrooge.  
"I wanna watch the Late Late Late Show!"  
"Stop that!" Nozzit retorts. "I'm trying to ripple here!"  
"Okay."

...

Nozzit is using a Tron World terminal to surf the Internet. He stares dreamy-eyed at the screen.  
"Oh, Peach. My love for you burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Please bear my children someday."  
Just in the nick of time, Tron, as he was back then, slides into the scene as if to say something important.  
"Whoa there, my hip young parson," he says. "Only dumbbots and geeknerds look up porn on the Internet."  
Nozzit felt that one. "Hey! That's getting a little personal there. And just who are you, anyway? I don't even know who you are!"  
Ignoring Nozzit's inquiry, Tron turns towards an unseen fourth wall and directs his message to... whoever he's talking to right now.  
"Stay away from porn, kids. Like all drugs, pornography is dangerous, and you can get hooked."  
"But that doesn't change the fact that it makes me happy," Nozzit states.  
"And another thing: we don't have any sexual organs to make us happy. We're just computer programs created by dorkwads who have no social lives or girlfriends," Tron frankly informs.  
"But it's those same 'dorkwads' who look up porn on the Internet in the first place," Nozzit, replies.  
Tron stutters nervously as he struggles to come up with a response to that.  
"Uh... uh... don't be a fool! Stay in milk!"  
Resigning to the fact that he is now unable to back up his claim that porn is dangerous, Tron runs off in a hurry.

...

"Why am I friends with him again?" Nozzit asks himself.  
"It's all right, my good Nozzit," says Buzz, patting Nozzit on the back. "With a bit of counseling, I think you'll forget all about-"  
Donald leaps onto Buzz's helmet and points to the horizon. "Whoa, what's that?!"  
Everyone's attention is directed to the large purple coliseum in the distance and getting progressively closer. An irritated Buzz grabs Donald and gets him off his helmet.  
"Look. It's great that you're a shadow character at the moment, but could you please be so in a way that doesn't make us want to smother you?"  
"But I can't help it! I'm a main character, so I should be noticed!"  
"Well, we don't want to notice you right now, so would you kindly get in the corner and stop talking for a while?"  
"But-"  
"I think Mister Eyeball is itching to visit Mister Laser-Set-to-Burninate right now."  
Donald dejectedly sighs and walks over to a corner of the Solar Sailer as it draws nearer to the Game Grid.

Meanwhile, somewhere below the Game Grid, a lazy-eyed commander-type figure, named Commander Guy Mark, is meeting with The MCP Tron, who is currently appearing in the form of a large polygonialface. Commander Guy Mark scratches his head absentmindedly.  
"Uh, Master Control Dude, uh, the fugitives you've been talkin' 'bout are like... comin' this way. Shouldn't we go like... capture them n' stuff?"  
"Negatory," The MCP Tron replies. "Let those suiciders come this way. They're gonna play my unwinnable games of deathination, and then they're gonna be de-rezzified because they couldn't win my games, because they were impossulate."  
"Ah. Cool. But I still get to, like, fight 'em n' stuff?"  
"That's not confirmafied. But in the event that they somehow beat my games of mass deconstruction, I might have no choice but to let you out there."  
Commander Guy Mark pumps his fists into the air. "Gnarly, dude!! That's totally dudeical!"  
The MCP Tron winces uncomfortably. "Um... I'm gonna have to ask you to never say 'Dudeical' again. Ever."  
"Sorry, MCP Dude," apologizes Commander Guy Mark, his head lowering in respect. An alarm sounds, alerting the both of them.  
"Alright, Mark. Time to entertaininate the masses."  
"I'm on it, MC Person."  
"End of line."

Back on the surface, the Gaang, having reached the coliseum, get off the Solar Sailer and step onto the island, where the Game Grid stands in front of them. A miserable-looking football-headed figure, named Terrab, is standing on guard at the front gates.  
"Stand back, boys!" Scrooge says, cracking his knuckles. "Watch my finesse and style!"  
Goofy attempts to raise an objection as Scrooge makes his way towards the gates. "Scrooge, I don't think that's such a good ide-"  
"Mepsipax. I've got it all taken care of."  
Scrooge approaches Terrab the Guard and leans towards him.  
"Hey there, sweet sugar cakes. How's challenges?"  
"Have you come to deliver me from boredom?" Terrab responds.  
The Gaang rush over to Scrooge, with Nozzit getting a hold on him.  
"We are so sorry," Nozzit says hastily. "We shouldn't have let him off the Solar Sailer."  
"Yes, we apologize," Buzz adds. "You see, he's become quite senile in his old age."  
"Skip to my Lou, my darlin'!" Scrooge raves.  
Nozzit steps forward. "So, uh, Terrab, how are things?"  
"I'd like to report that everything under the Sun is in tune. But unfortunately, the Sun is eclipsed by the Moon."  
"Cool, cool, depressing, cool," Nozzit replies. "So... can you get us into that Game Grid? We've got a little score to settle with The MCP Tron, and to do that, we're gonna have to play some of his games. Is that okay with you?"  
"The MCP Tron is rather busy right now, so nobody can see him at the moment. Not nobody not no ho-"  
A miscellaneous User's head flies out the gate, landing in front of the Gaang. All of them recoil in disgust. The User's head manages to spurt out one last "Ow! That hurt!" before disappearing from existence. Cheering is heard in the background.  
"On second thought, go on in," Terrab offers.  
"Don't you mean... "access approved"?" asks Goofy jokingly. The Gaang laugh as they walk into the Game Grid, leaving Terrab alone and miserable. Emotionally broken beyond repair, Terrab grabs his identity disc and holds it to his neck. After a few short moments, however, he sighs and puts it down. "Someday, but not today," he tells himself.

The Gaang step into the Game Grid, where they are greeted by a full crowd of cheering, pre-rendered sprites. At the frontmost podium stands Commander Guy Mark and a holographic version of The MCP Tron as he was "back then". Commander Guy Mark leans toward a microphone.  
"Welcome, dudes and dudettes! It's time to lay waste to another bunch of shoobies!"  
The pre-rendered crowd cheers even louder than before. Sora waves to it in response. "Yeah, I know, I'm great."  
"Uh, Sora, you do know those are just brainless sprites you're talking to, right?" states Buzz.  
"Ix-nay on the rainless-bay," Sora whispers to Buzz  
"Who're you calling rainless-bay, you bum?!" a pre-rendered sprite in the audience shouts. Buzz's person is soon met with a can of battery acid. Donald and Goofy laugh at this incident of slapstick violence. A few seconds after Donald and Goofy have ceased laughing, Scrooge begins to laugh in an odd, stiff manner.  
"You know what they say about he who laughs last, my bromies and homies," Commander Guy Mark tells the audience. "Get that weenie outta here! Same goes for that Buzzy dude and the other guy!"  
Scrooge, Buzz and Nozzit are grabbed by the arms by two Heartless each and are dragged towards the gates.

They are tossed out of the gates, landing next to Terrab, looking as miserable as ever. Scrooge turns to Terrab.  
"So... I heard you like Mudkips."  
Buzz and Nozzit cover their ears in preparation for what's to come.

Back in the Game Grid, Commander Guy Mark looks down upon Sora, Donald, and Goofy.  
"All right, you shoobies. From here on in, it's just you three."  
"Oh boy!" Donald cheers with joy. "Now I don't have to be a shadow character anymore!"  
"Shut up, Donald," Sora replies.  
"Aww..."  
"Let the first game commencify!" The MCP Tron announces.  
Commander Guy Mark presses a button on his podium. A number of ladders and oversized hamburger layers suddenly appear on the Game Grid. Sora, Donald, and Goofy are digitally fitted with a wiener suit, a pickle suit, and a sunny side-up egg suit respectively.  
"I'm in a wiener suit," states Sora. "My life's now complete."  
"Aww! I wanted to be a muffin!" complains Goofy.  
"And I didn't want to be a pickle!" Donald adds. "I wanted to be a lumberja-"  
"No one cares about what you want!" Sora interrupts.  
"My mommy does..."  
"Alright, you shoobies," says Commander Guy Mark. "The goal of this game is to try and catch that little chef dude in front of you."  
A short, tan chef with a thin mustache materializes in front of the Gaang. For convenience reasons, we'll call this guy 'Skinner'. He defiantly shake his fist at the trio. "You'll never catch me, you rat-monkey-pig-dogs!"  
Skinner climbs up a nearby ladder onto a giant hamburger bun as Commander Guy Mark lays down the rules.  
"This guy's got a real zest for life and we ain't cool with that, so you'd better catch him for us or you're de-rezzed and all that jazz."  
"Well, we'd better go catch him," Sora deduces. "The sooner we win this game, the sooner we can get to The MCP Tron."  
Sora climbs the same ladder Skinner just climbed and sets foot on the hamburger bun, standing face-to-face with Skinner.  
"Okay, you French stereotype," Sora says hostily. "I hear you're pretty good at surrendering, so I suggest you get to that."  
"Your attempts at catching me are futile like sausage!" Skinner retorts. He takes a glass pepper shaker out of his pocket and smashes it into Sora's face, coating it with black pepper and broken glass. He then jumps off the hamburger bun to land on another one below.  
"Ow! I got a lotta glass in my eye!" complains Sora, rubbing the said glass off his face.  
"Never mind that!" shouts Donald. "Come on!"  
The Gaang each climb different ladders in an attempt to catch the zealous Skinner, who is now standing on a meat patty.  
"Cover me, Goofy!" Sora calls out. "I'm gonna try and spray ketchup into his eyes!"  
"I'll cut him off the pass!" Goofy responds.  
Sora takes out a ketchup container and squirts it in Skinner's direction. However, he dodges this assault and slides on his stomach across the mess and off the meat patty, mocking the Gaang as he does so.  
"You're never going to catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else!"  
Goofy attempts to catch Skinner on another meat patty, but he is hindered by a splash of ketchup brought upon by Skinner's sliding antics. Goofy futily attempts to rub the ketchup off his person. "Holy gawrsh! I've been hit!"  
"Who cares? It's just ketchup," says Sora.  
Goofy tastes the red substance with his finger. He realizes his foolishness. "Oh. Oh, oh yeah. But it's still messy."  
Skinner, now on a slice of lettuce, continues his reign of terror. "Now you will have some mustard, you silly dog person!"  
Skinner takes out two mustard containers and squirts them at Goofy, coating him with the stuff. Goofy is left to sit and rub his eyes. Sora rolls his eyes at this incompetence.  
"Do I have to do everything myself?! Sheesh!"  
Sora unsheathes his Keyblade and chucks it at Skinner. Before he can react, the Keyblade impales his body. He staggers around in pain.  
"That's not funny! That's not funny at-"  
Before he can finish his last words, Skinner fades out of existence, along with the giant burger layers, ladders and the Gaang's food attires. The crowd cheers as the Gaang wave.  
"Well, that takes care of that problem," says Sora, picking his Keyblade up from the ground and rubbing off the red pixels. "Now, as for you..."  
Sora points his Keyblade at The MCP Tron and Commander Guy Mark. The crowd quiets down.  
"Whatever happened to the Tron we all knew and loved?" asks Sora. "Ever since you became the MCP, you've been acting like a prick!"  
The MCP Tron points down at the insubordinate below him. "That's _The MCP_Tro-"  
"Sora's right!" Goofy interrupts. "You're makin' up all those goofy words!"  
"And you've got that stupid accent!" adds Donald.  
Commander Guy Mark pounds his fists against the podium. "Enough! The Master dude runs the people however he wants! He doesn't need to take that from shoobies like you!"  
The MCP Tron turns to Commander Guy Mark. "Commander Guy, take care of these terroristicates for me. I'll be at the base looking up Princess Peach porn on the Internets. End of line."  
The MCP Tron's hologram disappears as Commander Guy Mark pushes another button on his podium. A four-legged mech armed with a plasma cannon and a machine gun materializes on the Game Grid, which Commander Guy Mark promptly jumps into. The mech's eyes glow as it activates.  
"All right, you chumps!" barks Commander Guy Mark. "Let's do this! COMMANDER GUYYYYY MAAAAARK!!!"  
"Oh yeah?!" Sora shouts agressively. "We _chumps_ have a saying! The bigger they are, the harder they-"  
Sora, Donald and Goofy suddenly find themselves plastered on the bottom of one of the mech's giant feet and subsequently smeared across the ground. They can now do nothing but groan in pain.  
"My bones," Goofy moans. "And organs... and bones again..."  
Commander Guy Mark laughs triumphantly and cruelly at the fallen trio. "Man! You guys totally beefed it! Now prepare for, like... utter pwnage, dudes!"  
Commander Guy Mark's plasma cannon aims at the defeated Gaang and charges up. Sora uses what strength he has left to talk to his comrades.  
"Goofy, I just want you to know... that you're as stupid as all seven hell. And Donald, your voice is the worst thing to happen to sound since 'Crank That'."  
Donald objects. "Hey, my voice doesn't suck that ba-... wow, that is annoying."  
"I bet it can't be as annoying as this!" Commander Guy Mark responds. "_IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZ-_"  
Before he can finish, a screaming and crazed-looking Terrab runs into the Game Grid. Scrooge is holding onto his torso saying "Mud... kip!" over and over again.  
"_I've been listening to this guy for too long!! I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore!! Yearghblble!!_"  
Buzz and Nozzit rush into the Game Grid after the two. Buzz tries to talk some sense into Terrab.  
"Terrab, I don't think it's such a good idea to barge in at this moment."  
"Yeah! You might get killed!" Nozzit adds.  
"I know! Isn't that great?!" Terrab says, gleaming with joy. "And now, watch this!"  
The Gaang crawls out of the way as Terrab takes out his identity disc and chucks it at Commander Guy Mark like a frisbee. The identity disc slices Commander Guy Mark's head clear off its shoulders. Commander Guy Mark's head falls to the ground, in front of his own mech's cannon.  
"Ow! Faceplant!"  
The mech's plasma cannon fires, obliterating both Commander Guy Mark's head and Terrab. The pre-rendered audience give off a disgusted "Eww!", but after a couple of seconds, continues cheering, disregarding what just happened. Sora and the Gaang, now physically functional, stand up and brush themselves off.  
"Finally!" says Sora. "Now, only one thing left to do: rummage through Commander Guy Mark's person and look for any loose change."  
Sora walks over to the now-ownerless mech, where Commander Guy Mark's headless body sits, occasionally spurting a small fountain of red pixels.  
"Are you sure that ethical?" asks Goofy on Sora's pickpocketing.  
"Relax, Goofy," assures Sora. "If it's ethical to kill little French guys in this place, then stealing off a medium-sized dead guy must be A-OK."  
"He's got a point there," Buzz states as Sora digs through Commander Guy Mark's pockets.  
"Of course I've got a point! I'm the Keybearer. Wait, what's this?"  
Sora finds a little strip of paper with a series of numbers and letters and looks at it confusedly. He hands the paper to Nozzit, hoping he'd understand it.  
"Here, Nozzit. I don't speak numbers."  
Nozzit is visibly offended. "Oh, so just because I'm a User, that means I can read numbers? You're mean! Meanie!"  
Buzz comes between the two, trying to calm the situation. "Look. My suggestion is that we take this thing to the nearest terminal, put it in and see what comes up."  
"Alright, fine," Sora groans. "But from now on, I make the decisions, because I'm always right."

The Gaang make their way to a terminal near the Game Grid gates outside. Buzz takes the strip of paper and inserts it into the terminal's validator. After about a second, the strip pops back out in rejection. Buzz frustratedly shoves the strip back in and lasers the validator, melding it shut. A whole lot of lights and digits flash on the screen.  
"Pretty!" says Goofy in amazement.  
"Shut up, Goofy," quacks Donald.  
The screen lights up some more. A whirring is heard, and a glass syringe of bright blue liquid ejects itself from a circular slot on the terminal. Donald grabs it and looks at it with wonder.  
"Pretty again!" says Goofy.  
Sora swipes the syringe from Donald's hand and shows it to Buzz. "Buzz, any idea what that stuff is?"  
"Well, according to my conveniently-present syringe analyzer, this syringe is full of data of some sort. I don't know what kind of data, but it's highly detrimental to The MCP."  
"Great! We can probably use this to beat The MCP Tron."  
"There's just one small problem," Nozzit comments. "We don't even know where he is. How are we supposed to find him? I mean, it's not like you can just find a top secret walking around."  
Goffy points away from the Game Grid. "Why don't we ask that nice-looking guy over there?"  
The Gaang look around to find a rather suspicious-looking figure with pointed shoulders, named Peerk, walking around and holding up floppy disks.  
"Top secrets for sale. Get your top secrets for sale. Bring me a mess o' bits and get yourself a top secret."  
"That guy looks totally unsuspicious," says Goofy. "I'm gonna go get a top secret right now!"  
Goofy walks over to Peerk, who continues hawking his floppy disks.  
"If you don't buy these now, you're a capitalist prickface."  
Goofy raises an arm, hoping to get Peerk's attention. "I want a top secret!"  
"Sure thing, pal. What kind of top secret?"  
"Uh... how many cups of sugar does it take to get to the Moon?"  
Annoyed, Donald goes over to Goofy and whacks his foot, causing him to yelp in pain.  
"I mean where's The MCP Tron?!"  
"Oh, I know where he is. That'll be five million bits."  
Nozzit steps up and grabs Peerk by the head, lifting him up from the ground. Buzz approaches the defenseless Peerk and holds his laser up at him.  
"Listen up, jerknose. You help us, or my laser's going to have a little chit-chat with your intestines."  
Peerk covers his abdomen with his hands. "Oh no! Not my instestines! We mean too much for each other! Okay, I'll talk! The MCP Tron's underground! He's under the Game Grid! Now please let me go!"  
"Your wish is my command," Buzz responds, snapping his fingers. Nozzit takes this as his cue to chuck Peerk beyond the horizon, perhaps never to be seen again. Sora brings the group into a huddle.  
"Alright, here's the plan. We go into the sewers, and we fight our way thro-" Without warning, Buzz runs off. "Hey, where you going, Buzz?"  
Buzz runs into the Game Grid with a beeping, blinking sphere in his hand. The Gaang hear Buzz's voice from inside.  
"Now nobody panic. You're all going to die."  
Buzz comes out of the Game Grid, running right past the Gaang.  
"Hey, where's the fire?"  
The Game Grid explodes in a terrific fashion, blowing dust and debris everywhere. When the dust clears, the Gaang return from flinching positions to find that the Game Grid has been replaced with a large, gaping crater.  
"Ba-boom!" Scrooge spurts empathatically.  
Buzz turns to Scrooge. "I'd say something both mean and witty to you right now, but your stupidity gave me a mental block. For now, let's just go into that hole and face The MCP."  
"Bedsheets and belfries!" replies Scrooge.  
"Damn you, mental block. Damn you, I say!"

The Gaang hop into the hole and land on the underground floor. They look forward to see the true form of The MCP Tron: a large, spinning, sky-blue column bearing Tron's face. There is a power system behind him. The MCP Tron ceases his spinning to look down upon the Gaang.  
"So you little insectinators actually made it. Well I've prepared a little treat for you suiciders."  
"I hope you made lotsa spaghetti!" Scrooge comments.  
Nozzit steps forward. "Tron, why are you doing this?! I thought you were a good guy!"  
"You're confirmarrected," replies The MCP Tron. "I was a good guy, but as I evolvified, so has my understandinating of the meaning of 'good'. You charge us computers with your safekeepifyin', yet despite our best efforts, your worlds wagify wars, you toxinate your Earth and pursue ever more imaginatory means of suicidination. You cannot be trustified with your own survival."  
"Yes they can! You're dumb!" Nozzit rebukes angrily.  
"It is _you_who are dumb! And now you are here to witness my entrance into the real world, where I will rule in a benign dictatorship. If the worlds are to be saved, some humans must be sacrificial. Don't you see it yet? My logic is undefeatable."  
"I do believe the word is 'undeniable', my good MCP," Buzz corrects.  
"_Silence!!_Now for questioning my linguistic skills, you get to witness the amazulatory tacular skills of... _THE MCP TRON!!_"  
A few seconds pass, and nothing happens. The Gaang look around the room, expecting something to happen.  
Sora shrugs. "Well?"  
The MCP Tron quickly glances side-to-side. "Aww, fiddlesticks. I forgot I'm just a big ugly cylinder. Ah well. Time for Plan B!"  
From out of nowhere, an entire army of zombies materialize around the Game Grid hole and jump down to the Gaang's level.  
"Deceased persons who've been brought back to life through supernatural means?!" Donald says incredulously.  
"Yes, Donald," replies Buzz. "Those are what we call zombies."  
"Oh. I knew that."  
The zombies begin walking in the Gaang's direction.  
"Are you sure we can take them all?" Sora asks of Buzz.  
"I'm not sure, but brace yourself."  
The Gaang take defensive stances and prepare for a zombie onslaught. What they get instead is a bunch of dead guys aimlessly walking around the room (some of them downright falling over), not paying any attention to the Gaang. The Gaang take the time to observe this brainless disorganization before Sora turns to Buzz.  
"Buzz, syringe."  
Buzz hands Sora the data-filled syringe, after which Sora begins to walk over to The MCP Tron, kicking over a few zombies along the way. The MCP Tron looks around him in disbelief.  
"This can't be! I bought all these zombie soldiers on eBay!"  
Sora reaches The MCP Tron and raises the syringe, preparing to stab him. The MCP Tron stutters, trying futily to defend himself.  
"Wait! You're making a mistake! My logic is undefeatable!"  
"You have _so_ got to die."  
Sora stabs The MCP Tron, injecting the entire syringe of data into him. The MCP Tron's surface turns yellow.  
"Wait! You shouldn't be eating strange plants!"  
The MCP Tron turns blue again.  
"What is this?! My data is-"  
He turns yellow again.  
"It's very thirst-quenching, though.  
Blue again.  
"It can't be! This isn't supposed to-"  
Yellow.  
Drink cactus juice! It'll quench ya!"  
He turns blue and laughs.  
"Cactus juice! That's always a-"  
Back to yellow.  
"Nothing's quenchier! It's the quenchiest!!"  
Blue.  
"Warning! The data is corrupt! Restart-"  
Yellow.  
"How did we get out here in the middle of the ocean?  
Blue.  
"I am error! Press any key to restart!"  
Yellow.  
"It was you!! You ratted me out!!"  
Blue.  
"You lost everything. Goodbye cruel world."  
Yellow, with some sparks.  
"Nooo!! You've doomed us all!!"  
He turns blue once last time, sparking harder and his shade of blue fading. "I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daiiisyyy, daiiisyyy..."  
"The MCP Tron sparks heavily, finally fading to a white surface. He begins to spin rapidly, progressively becoming thinner and thinner. He eventually disappears with a twinkle. The bumbling zombies disappear with a flash and to the sound of a balloon popping. Sora scratches his head in confusion.  
"Well, uh... that was rather anticlimatic," he concludes.  
Nozzit approaches him. "Thanks for getting rid of The MCP Tron for us, Sora. But... now we have no ruler. Who's gonna run over us Users?"  
"That's where you come in," answers Sora.  
"Me?!"  
Sora laughs. "No, not you, you ignorant twit. I mean all of you Users. You're your own boss You are who you choose to be. Now choose."  
"Uh... I'm not very good at this 'chew-zing' thing. Could you help me out?"  
Sora sighs. "Look. If you want to be free, you gotta know how to-"  
Before he can start, the power system behind the Gaang shoots out beams of light and confines them into grids. Nozzit can only watch as the five of them are digitally written out of the computer by the beam scanner.

The Gaang soon find themselves back in Merlin's Place, with all of Merlin's Cult surrounding them.  
"Hey, I did it!" says Cid confidently. "Now, time to get back to typing up that Yuffie/Sora lemon I'm making!"  
Merlin pats Sora on the back. "Good to have you back in the real world, my boy. I hope you didn't come across anything naughty while you were in the net."  
Sora, quite irate, swipes away Merlin's arm. "Good going, Merlin! That was probably the only serious moment in this entire fan-fiction and you had to go and ruin it! Stupid old jiji..."  
"_Gigli?!_ I _hate_ that movie! I'd oughta give you a one-shoe-buckle-my-two for that! Take this!"  
Merlin flicks his wand and zaps the Gaang with a green lightning bolt. The Gaang disappear, presumably to yet another world. Merlin realizes what he's just done.  
"Oh, bugswallop! Why am I always doing that?!"  
"Maybe you got the batteries on backwards," guesses Yuffie.  
"I'll have to agree with Madame Fussy-Britches here," says Black Mage. "That's the only explanation as to why this keeps happening."  
Yuffie's eyebrow twitches. "Fussy-Britches?!"  
"I agree with Black Mage because he told me to!" says Fighter. "Hey, what's up with your face, Yuffie?"  
"_I'M COMPLETELY CALM!!!_"  
Yuffie proceeds to grab Black Mage in a headlock and starts punching him in the teeth as Merlin observes the batteries in the slot of his wand.  
"Wait a minute. These are double A batteries! I need some triple As over here!"  
Squall sighs and pinches the skin between his eyes. "Here we go again..."


	11. Episode 11: Father of the Pride

In the Pride Lands, a gathering of ginormous proportions is taking place at Pride Rock. The whole population of the Land is attending, all of them below the King and Queen's superior Rock. On the Rock, Rafiki the Mandrill lifts a small lion cub in presentation to the crowd below, which erupts in animal noises resembling applause at the sight of the new heir to the throne. As they bow down, Rafiki turns and approaches King Simba and Queen Nala to determine the cub's gender. Timon and Pumbaa look on from afar.  
"Ah, Pumbaa. Look at that little guy," Timon says affectionately. "A chip off the old block. And ya gotta know who's gonna raise him."  
"His parents?" Pumbaa answers cluelessly.  
"Yep. His parents. Of course not, you fecal pervert! The little snap, who's for sure going to be a male, is gonna need us to teach him the really important facts of life, like how to belch..." Timon gives off a loud, wet belch as demonstration. "...and dig for grubs. I'm tellin' ya, buddy. It's gonna be like historic times, and I'm talking about the times when we sent off women to fend off predators. Think about it: you, me, and the little not-a-girl."  
Rafiki, eager to burst Timon's bubble, snickers sinisterly before correcting him. "It is a girl."  
"Girl... _GIRL?!_" Timon faints, unable to process the thought of teaching a female to be like him. Pumbaa, however, just stares blankly for five seconds before finally getting the message.  
"_GIRL?!_"  
Pumbaa faints. Queen Nala looks at King Simba, who appears let down. "What's wrong, Simba?"  
"I wish I could cry, but there aren't enough tears."

In a dry, barren and termite-infested land devoid of any moisture, a flash of green lightning marks the appearance of the Gaang, who have been turned into jungle animals. Sora has become a brown lion with a darker brown mane of spiky anime hair on his head, Donald and Scrooge are now hornbills, Goofy is a tortoise and Buzz is a jeep, which isn't really an animal at all now that I think about it.  
"Now where are we?!" an annoyed Sora asks.  
Goofy observes the desolate area around them. "Gawrsh, Sora. I think this is the Pride Lands."  
"So wait," says Donald. "We leave Simba alone to run the place for two minutes and he lets the whole place go to waste?"  
"It would seem so," answers Buzz.  
"Now where are we?!" asks Scrooge too late.  
"Scrooge," says Sora. "Everything you say is like fifteen midget ninjas attacking the grain silo of my mind."  
An off-screen voice suddenly calls out from not too far away. "Kovu!"  
The Gaang are approached by an unhappy-looking lioness, Zira, who assumes a superior posture over them.  
"What's the matter with you? I find your recent work ethic ridiculous and appalling! You're supposed to be training to kill Simba, not making freak friends!"  
"Freak?!" Donald spurts. "Look what's talking! You're a talking lion!"  
"Yes," Zira responds. "And you'll be a rotting bird if you put one more toe out of line!"  
"Vichyssoise is supposed to be cold!" Scrooge states vehemiently. Sora pushes Scrooge's head into the ground to silence him.  
"You'll have to excuse Scrooge here. He's just a little funny in the head. And before I can go on about it, I've got a question. Who are you?"  
"Why, Kovu, I'm heartbroken," says Zira, feigningly sorrowful. "Don't you remember who I am? I'm your loving-"  
A young voice calls out to her. "Mother!"  
A darker brown lion cub, presumably the real Kovu, runs over to Zira. She looks at Kovu with disgust.  
"Ugh! What is this thing doing here?! Only relatives can call me that!"  
"But... I'm your son, Kovu!"  
"You're not Kovu! Kovu's right there!" Zira points to Sora. "You can't both be Kovu!"  
Kovu tries to correct her. "But... that's not-"  
"Don't you talk to me, you ugly imposter!! I'd oughta-"  
She is interrupted by two more nearby voices talking at the same time.  
"Mother! Mother! Mother! We were there! In the Pride Lands!"  
"Mother! Mother! Mother! At Pride Rock, we saw everything!"  
A grown lion with light-brown fur and an unkempt, termite-infested mane, Nuka, and a young lioness with a clean, sandy-colored coat, Vitani, dash towards Zira and the others. As they race their way towards them, Nuka pushes Vitani aside. "We saw the whole thing!"  
"We saw Simba's cub!" they say at the same time.  
"What?! Vitani, what did you see?" Zira asks, completely ignoring Nuka.  
"Simba's new cub is a girl!"  
Zira is amused by these news. "A girl?!" She laughs darkly and proceeds to talk to an unseen individual "Scar, my beloved, did you hear that? This couldn't be more perfect."  
Confused, Nuka leans towards Vitani. "Who's she talking to?"  
"Shh... Scar."  
Excited, Nuka looks around for him. "Where?! Where?!"  
"Scar's dead, genius," says Vitani, annoyed at Nuka's daftness.  
"Yes, because of Simba!" Zira says bitterly, proceeding to fantasize. "If not for him, Scar would still be Queen, and I, Zira, his beloved, domineering King.  
Kovu prods Zira's shoulder. "Mom, you've got it reversed again."  
"Quiet, you imposter!! Vitani, Nuko, maul this fake Kovu until it voids its bowels."  
Nuka itches his head in irritation. "For the last time, it's Nuka! Nu-ka!"  
"_Do it!!_"  
Nuka and Vitani give each other a brief glance before getting to their long-awaited job of lunging onto Kovu and graphically mauling him. As Kovu's jaw goes flying, Zira walks over to Sora.  
"Now, as for you, real Kovu, it is time for you to continue fulfilling Scar's dying wish and work towards killing Simba."  
Goofy attempts vainly to correct her. "But Zira, that's not-"  
"This isn't your concern, you worthless turtle! Kovu needs to learn how to kill Simba, and it'll take hours of rigorous, off-screen practice to teach him how to do it right."  
"Wait, so I don't even get a training montage?" asks Sora, feeling disappointment besetting him.  
"What's a training montage?"  
Sora sighs in defeat. "Never mind."  
The real Kovu's dismembered paw flies through the air and hits Sora's head. Sora tries hard not to empty his stomach.

Inside the colossal Rafiki Tree, Rafiki sings to himself like a silly person doing silly things.  
"_Asante sana, squash banana, we we nugu mi mi apana!_"  
Rafiki laughs to himself while painting a lion cub on his wall. He calms down some.  
"Ah, Kiara..."  
A gust of wind blows through the tree, signaling the late Mufasa's presence. Rafiki turns and looks toward the sky.  
"Oh, Mufasa, such a day it has been. Princess Kiara's birth, another Circle of Life is complete..." Rafiki draws a large circle around his lion drawings. "...and the pride's future is once again secure."  
Rafiki nods to himself knowingly until the wind blows harder, smearing Rafiki's circle. Rafiki flails his arms in a tizzy.  
"Stop it, stop it, stop it! Mufasa, look at what you are doing! The Circle of Life is broken now! That was my favorite kind of circle, right next to circle birds and squircles! Why do you-"  
Suddenly realizing why Mufasa ruined his good circle, Rafiki's expression changes from agitation to worry.  
"Oh. There is a disturbance in the Pride Lands."  
Rafiki searches his wall and finds a pitch-black lion cub drawing far away from his other drawings.  
"Strange. I don't remember drawing that one. Must've been during that time I was on... wait. There is another cub? Where... could this be?" Rafiki gasps as the answer occurs to him. "In the Outlands..."

Back at the Outlands, Zira circles and observes Sora, who has a perfectly upright posture and a stern expression. The rest of the Gaang and some miscellaneous lionesses watch on.  
"Now, Kovu. Let's go over this again. What is your destiny?"  
"I must avenge Scar," answers Sora. "And take his place in the Pride Lands."  
"Yes! And what do I keep telling you?"  
Sora sighs and answers half-heartedly. "Simba is the enemy."  
"And what is it you must do?"  
"I must... _END_ him!"  
The audience and Zira are unimpressed. The local crickets take this as their cue to begin chirping. Scrooge, however, outright boos at Sora.  
"No, no, _NO_, Kovu!" Zira is clearly infuriated. "I told you, it's '_KILL_' Simba, not 'end' Simba! Can't you count?!"  
"I know," replies Sora. "But... 'kill' is such a strong word. Wouldn't 'end' be just as effective?"  
"It's not the same!" Zira rebukes. She sighs in resignation. "No matter. Just go. And don't come back until you've killed Simba."  
"Yes, ma'am," Sora replies, making his way toward the exit. The rest of the Gaang follows suit.  
"I want my money back!" Scrooge says, still quite disappointed.

Elsewhere, there is a sprawling plain of perfectly green grass with lively flora and fauna, obviously Pride Land territory. Even the sky's color, a luscious blue color, is a stark contrast to the grim blood-red sky of the Outlands. In the middle of the field, Kiara, now an adult, follows Timon and Pumbaa through the Pride Lands.  
"All right, my young, conniving friend," says Timon. "First, we're gonna teach ya how to belch."  
Timon gives off an even louder and wetter belch than he did at Kiara's ceremonial delivery to the world. Timon doubles over in pain.  
"Ow! Ow! I think I ruptured my pancreas!"  
"I had a feeling that wasn't physically healthy," Kiara thinks to herself.  
Pumbaa approaches Timon. "Timon, I don't think this is such a good idea. She's just a girl."  
Timon leans toward Pumbaa's ear and whispers. "Look, if she won't be a boy, then she can at least be a lesbian, and everyone knows those are hot."  
"Yeah, I know," Pumbaa admits. "But-"  
"I know what I'm doing, all right? Pretty soon, Kiara's gonna be just like the two of us: a lazy slob who eats stuff off the ground. Then King Simba will love me again.  
Pumbaa clears his throat, hoping to draw attention to the fact that Timon is excluding a certain someone.  
"Oh. Sorry. I meant us: me and Kiara."  
Not exactly what he had in mind, Pumbaa looks to the ground dejectedly.  
Kiara feels the need to question the two. "I'm going to ignore your suspicious whispering and ask if any of this has anything to do with being a princess, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't."  
"Of course it does, Kiara!" replies Timon. "A lot of our past princesses did manly stuff like you when they were little, like, uh... Princess Rosie and, uh, Princess Ellen."  
"I've never even heard of them," says Kiara.  
"Ah, that's okay, sport. Besides, it's time you learned the next step to being a princess: digging for grubs!"  
Timon walks over to a nearby log and sets his hands on it. "Digging for grubs is easy, Kiara. All you have to do is move a little log and..." Timon pushes the log forward, revealing a wide assortment of colorful insects and capapillars. "Voila!"  
Kiara, however, is utterly repulsed. "Eww!! Gross!!"  
Just when things can't get any grosser, Timon takes a large, brown beetle and chomps its head off, letting green fluids ooze from its headless, squirming body. "Tastes like children... uh, chicken."  
Pumbaa walks up to Kiara with a blue capapillar partially stuck in his mouth and slurps it up right in front of her face. "Slimy yet satisfying!"  
Timon holds his headless beetle up to his mouth and squeezes it, squirting a stream of beetle fluids into his piehole. He holds the beetle up to Kiara. "Try some!"  
"I don't know..." mutters Kiara, not sure of how much more of these atrocities she can take.  
"Suit yourself. It's very thirst-quenching, though. That's why the crunchy ones are the best."  
"Yeah, right!" Pumbaa objects. "Everyone knows the slimy ones are better!"  
"No, crunchy."  
"Slimy!"  
"Crunchy!"  
"Slimy!"  
Kiara watches in intense interest as Timon and Pumbaa continue to have their most engaging argument by saying the words "crunchy" and "slimy" over and over aga-

==**BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN**==  
_We interrupt this fan-fiction to annoy you and to make things generally irritating. We now take you live via helicopter cam to this smoldering crater smack-dab in the middle of the Radiant Garden._

===**Senile Sorcerer Slays Smelly Sanctuary**===  
_A home in the Radiant Garden that is said to be housing a growing magical cult has exploded. All of the residents were inside, though miraculously, no one was killed, though the owner of the house and head of the cult has been turned into a blind cave salamander. Here is what they have to say about this event._

At ground level, Yuffie is in the middle of a news interview. Black Mage's head is attached to her shoulder and looks disinterested. Merlin, an orange salamander with pale, cloudy eyeballs, is also sitting on Yuffie's head. Yuffie is, understandably so, quite piffed.  
"I don't know how we're gonna fix this, but I'm pretty sure none of this would've happened if Black Mage didn't have such issues!"  
"_WHAT?!_" Black Mage exasperatedly screams.  
Fighter approaches from the right side of the camera. His head is upside-down. "Okay, okay, so the world's turned upside-down. Can't we all just get along?"  
"No!" shouts Black Mage. "I wanna hear what Fussy-Britches has to say! You think I have issues?!"  
Yuffie responds in a sarcastically placid manner. "I'm just saying maybe if you hadn't taken advantage of Merlin's trust and tried to pass off a stick of cortexrulestheworldium as a triple-A battery, the house wouldn't have blown up, and we would've gone on with our classes..." She speaks louder, clearly annoyed. "And then maybe we wouldn't be in this situa- are you still touching me?!"  
The newscamera pans down to Yuffie's lower half. Black Mage's arm is sticking out of Yuffie's pants zipper and feeling up her leg.  
"Look, Sugar Queen," says Black Mage. "There's only two ways you can get me to stop, and that's A: Get Merlin to fix this, or B: Chew off my arm." Black Mage realizes his mistake too late. "Wait, I shouldn't have said that."  
Without a second thought, Yuffie bends down and proceeds to slowly chew off Black Mage's arm, evoking screams of agony from Black Mage.  
"_MY SQUEEZING ARM!!! STOP CHEWING OFF MY SQUEEZING ARM!!!_"

_Proud day for that ninja's family. Meanwhile, let's see what this gentleman has to say._

The newscamera pans to Leon, who has been turned inside-out. His entire body has been pixelized, sparing the world of national television a gruesome image. "Kill... me..." Leon gasps in agony.  
Cid, completely unharmed, walks into the scene holding a tray of sandwiches. "Hey guys, I brought back the sammiches! Whoa..."

_Fascinating. Needless to say, in response to this catastrophe, the town's defense mechanism has activated its anti-magic barriers, meaning that no one in the town will be able to use magic and/or bending until the mess has been cleaned up. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled fan-fiction, already in pro- hey, who's flying this helicopter, anyway? Mayday, Mayday! We have an irresponsibility-induced emergency here! Crash landing immine-_

==Transmission ended==

"Wait, how is this place on fire?!" Sora asks in the middle of the Pride Land plains, the near-entirety of which is ablaze.  
Buzz has the answer, of course, and responds in the most matter-of-fact way possible in spite of the encroaching flames. "In layman's terms, Maleficent showed up and burned this meadow to the ground in yet another attempt to kill us. Oh, and she sent that sniper over there as a second measure."  
A bipedal fox with a blue mask, gloves and a sniper rifle (all of which sport a Mercedes-Benz logo) stands just a few yards away from the Gaang and casually waves at them. "How's it going?"  
Scrooge, ever the expert in children's media, knows how to deal with this situation. "Sniper, no sni-"  
"Scrooge, shut up," Sora interrupts. "C'mon, everyone! Ride Buzz!"  
Buzz naturally objects to this. "Doesn't that sound a bit homoerotic?"  
"_Just drive!!_" Sora shouts frantically.  
Sora, Goofy, Donald, and Scrooge hop into Buzz as the jeep puts the petal to the metal and charges towards Sniper at full speed like an SUV towards a full-grown deer.  
"Aww, ma-"  
Sniper is promptly mowed down by the incoming jeep, plastering him face-up into the ground.  
"My ribcage... my favorite ribcage..." Sniper wheezes as he attempts to peel himself off the ground with his own sniper rifle.  
Buzz shifts into reverse and quickly mows down Sniper once more. The jeep zooms past Timon, Pumbaa, and Kiara, still in the middle of their "Crunchy vs. Slimy" argument. After performing a couple of donuts, Buzz drives away from the crime scene and away from the fire.  
"Okay, here's the plan," announces Buzz. "We keep driving, we never turn around, we never go back! How's that?"  
"I thought we agreed that I would do the thinking from now on," Sora recalls.  
"Hey, a thinking jeep is better than a dead one," remarks Buzz.  
Sora has to agree with him on that one. "Can't argue with that logic."  
Just then, Scrooge begins to hop up and down in the jeep like a hyperactive child. "I'm a little teapot short and stout! Here is my kettle, and here is my snout!"  
As Scrooge continues to recite nursery rhymes, Buzz begins to swerve left and right.  
"What's happening?!" asks Sora.  
"It's Scrooge!" Donald answers. "His stupidness is making Buzz drive bad!"  
"Well, stop him!" Sora orders.  
Goofy leans over the side of the jeep. "I don't like this, Sora! I get carsick real easy!"  
All the while, Scrooge continues to sing idiotically. "La-di-da-di-da-di-da-"  
Without warning, Buzz crashes into a colossal tree, completely smashing up his front. Sora's own face is saved by the smother of Buzz's air bag, while everyone else is left to collect their bearings. As Goofy empties the contents of his stomach off the side of the now-wrecked jeep, Sora forces down the airbag in utter frustrtion.  
"Great! Just great! Buzz is smashed up, Simba still isn't dead, and now the Pride Lands are on fire! We're lucky if we leave this world alive."  
Scrooge freaks out at the mention of fire. "City on fire! Sign of the devil! Mischief! Mischief! Witch's brew!"  
"Well, look on the bright side, Sora," Goofy says over Scrooge's babbling. "It could be worse."  
"How?!"  
"It could be raining."  
As if fate itself was laughing at the Gaang's faces, dark clouds form in the sky, blotting out the sun and pouring an odd, green rain onto everything below it. After a while, one of Buzz's rear wheels falls off. Sora moans in defeat.  
"C'mon, let's get out of here before Buzz starts to rust. Oh, and someone tackle Scrooge down because he's annoying."  
Sora climbs out of the dilapitated jeep as Donald and Goofy hold down a struggling Scrooge. Just as Sora begins to walk along the tree, he is met with what resembles the shriek of a crazed mandrill pervading the air. Before he can investigate the matter, a sudden sharp pain in his head renders him unconscious.

Upon awakening, Sora finds himself inside the same tree he just hit. He sees Donald, Goofy, and Scrooge tied up in vine, and Rafiki glaring at him just inches away from his head. Startled, Sora jumps at the sight of Rafiki. He stumbles on his words, knowing better than to provoke an incensed mandrill.  
"Oh, hey, uh... sorry about your, uh..."  
Before Sora can finish his sentence, Rafiki yells in Sora's face and whacks him over the head with his staff thing.  
"_My TREEEEE!!_ Why did you crash into my _TREEEEE?!_ That was my favorite kind of _TREEEEE_, right next to Christmas _TREEEEES_, and the ones with moss growing on them!"  
Sora tries to apologize. "Look, I'm really sorry about that, but there's really nothing I can do about that at the moment, y'know, since I'm an animal and all."  
"Never mind that!" Rafiki pounds the top of Sora's head. "What matters most is that I'm a baboon and you are not."  
"What?"  
"_Silence!!_You reckless, little Outlander!" Rafiki then pokes Sora's eyes with each of his pointer fingers. "Why must you- wait..."  
Rafiki stops talking and zones out, much to the confusion of everyone watching. Rubbing his eyes in pain, Sora begins to wonder what drugs this monkey's on. "Hey, monkey. What's the matter with you?"  
"I sense something," Rafiki answers in a low rasp. "A presence I haven't felt since..."  
"Since when?" asks Goofy.  
"Yeah? Spit it out!" Donald demands.  
"A tremor in the Pride Lands!" Rafiki loudly responds. "The last time I felt it, it was in the presence of an Outlander such as yourself."  
"So... what does that mean?" asks Sora.  
"It means that you are the only one who can stop these headaches that are melting my brain!" A strong gust of wind blows through the tree, nearly knocking over Rafiki. "Oh, and save the Pride Lands from a civil war."  
Sora is understandably confused. "What are you talking about?"  
"Let me put this in simple terms: according to the powers that may be, if you can get the princess of Pride Rock to love you, it'll hopefully keep the Pride Lands from being ripped apart by the Outlanders."  
Though being loved is cool, Sora must speak up about something. "Wait... but I never even met her, let alone know her name!"  
"Yeah, Rafiki," says Goofy. "Isn't this a bit, uh... not right?"  
"This is morally unethical!" an outraged Scrooge shouts.  
"You don't even know what you're talking about, Scrooge," Donald states.  
Scrooge thinks for a few seconds. "Dragonflies?"  
"Not to worry, everyone, not to worry," assures Rafiki. "I've got everything all taken care of. I'm going to take you and Kiara to a special garden of earthly delights, where howler monkeys scream and rhinos dance in conga lines! And I'm gonna take you there right now!"  
Sora is taken aback by this change of pace. "Wait, I haven't emotionally prepared for-"  
"_Deus ex machina!!_"  
Rafiki, without warning, chucks a brown, medium-sized fruit at Sora, which explodes in a thick, pink cloud that obscures the whole area.

In another plane of existance, there is an odd, trippy landscape with a kaleidoscopic sky, a large number of tangerine trees, and star-headed monkeys dancing in rings. Rafiki's voice narrates this strange world.  
_Upendi, by Rafiki._  
Sora appears out of nowhere in the middle of the place and looks around.  
_Sora observed the quaint vicinity with childlike curiosity.  
_"Curious."  
_Said Sora.  
_"Very curious indeed." Sora realizes what he's saying. "Wait, I don't talk like that! Who's doing this?!"  
Kiara appears out of nowhere and struts towards Sora. "Sora, you have such a noble brow. So charming... I could kiss it."  
_Said Kiara strutting her way towards the young Keybearer._  
Sora, frightened by these recent goings-ons, becomes defensive. "Who told you about my brow?!"  
"Why, that handsome, definitely not ugly, and all-mighty God of Laughter, of course."  
_Said Kiara, with a twinkle in her eye.  
_A giant and very disturbing marionette shaped like Rafiki, wielding an elaborate scepter and dressed in a red cape and thorny crown, drops from the sky and towers over Sora and Kiara.  
"I am the God of Laughter, o' little lonely people of the north!" the God of Laughter proclaims in a grandiose manner. "Shine on my staff of evil and tremble!"  
Kiara laughs. "God of Laughter, you're so smart. Hey, Sora. You wanna go and get some coffee?"  
"All right," Sora responds. "Let's have some coffee."  
_Said Sora, with a certain lust in his voice._  
Sora begins to approach Kiara unwillingly. He attempts to push his paws in the opposite direction, but he continues to slide towards Kiara as she faces the opposite direction and crouches.  
"No! Wait! Stop! I didn't mean that! I'm under the age of consent!"  
"Don't be too rough now, Sora..."  
"_Nooooo!!_"  
Before any debauchery can take place, Sora disappears from this world in a flash of light.

Sora finds himself back in the Rafiki Tree, where he sees Rafiki sitting and grinning like an idiot. Donald, Goofy, and Scrooge are free from their bondage, with Donald having his wings raised in the air. Sora wipes his brow.  
"Phew! That was a close one. A second later and I wouldn't have been a virgin anymore."  
"I'll say," Donald says, putting his arms down. "That Rafiki sure is a sicko. What kinda crazy person would think up something like that?"  
Goofy hops in place eagerly. "Oh, oh, I know! I know! _Old_ crazy persons!"  
"Very good, Goofy!" Donald coos sarcastically. "I just wish I had some choccy treats for you."  
"I like little children!" says Scrooge spontaneously, disturbing everyone in the room.  
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Sora remarks. "C'mon, everyone. Let's head to the Pride Rock and kill Simba now before the Outlanders get suspicious."

Back in the Outlands, Zira paces impatiently waiting for "Kovu"'s return. Nuka looks on helplessly as rain continues to pour on the land.  
"Zuka, I'm getting suspicious. What do you suppose is taking Kovu so long?"  
"First of all, it's _NU_-ka," Nuka futilely corrects. "Second, I'm pretty sure it's because Kovu's too young to be killing kings."  
"Your point?"  
"Well, I was thinking since I'm the oldest, maybe I should be king, huh?"  
"Don't be a fool, Zuko!" rebukes Zira, getting into Nuka's face. "Kovu is the chosen one, so it is he who will kill Simba. You're just a secondary character, so you can't possibly do it. Understand?"  
"Uh, yeah, sure, whatever you say, mother, chosen ones, love, hate... clouds..."  
Nuka suddenly dashes off towards the Pride Lands, leaving Zira behind.  
"Stop!" Zira yells. "Where do you think you're going?!"  
"I'm gonna make you proud, mother!"  
Nuka continues to run off as Vitani, now an adult herself, walks into the scene.  
"Where's that idiot running off to?" asks Vitani.  
"Vitani, get the other lionesses. We're going to get Nuka back!"  
"Yes, mommy."  
"Yes, mommy what?" Zira asks.  
Vitani sighs. "Yes, mommy dearest."  
"Good girl. Now go!"

Meanwhile, Sora and Gaang make haste as they dash towards Pride Rock in the distance.  
"So where do you suppose the real Kiara is?" Donald asks.  
"Don't know, don't care," Sora responds.

In the scorched area of the Pride Lands, Timon and Pumbaa are still engaged in their "Crunchy and Slimy" argument, with Kiara continuing to watch on. They're so distracted that they don't even notice Nuka dashing by them.

"But Sora," says Goofy. "How are we supposed to bring peace to the Pride Lands if you don't find Kiara like Rafiki said?"  
"C'mon now, Goofy," replies Sora. "Are we really gonna listen to some smelly prevert who lived in a tree all his life? Besides, the sooner we kill King Simba, the sooner we can leave this place."  
"And the sooner we can beat the snot out of The King Mickey," adds Donald.  
"I'm thinking the same thing, Donald," says Sora.  
Scrooge looks up and is surprised by what he sees. "By my bee's marmalade, someone has stolen our spot!"  
"Scrooge, were you born that delusional or did you have to work on it?" Sora asks.  
"Actually," responds Goofy. "I'll have to agree with Scrooge on that one."  
The rest of the Gaang look up and discover two things: the good news is that they've reached Pride Rock. The bad news is that Nuka is up there and has King Simba pinned down by he neck. The Gaang is understandably shocked by this turn of events.  
"Impossible!" says Donald.  
"How did he get there before us?!" wonders Sora.  
"It's called a plot device, my friends!" answers Nuka. "And now, it's time for me to restore my honor!"  
"But Outlanders don't have honor!" Donald remarks.  
"That's why you're the scourge of the Pride Lands," says Sora.  
"And you're pure scum," adds Goofy.  
Nuka is quite let down. "Aww..."  
The rest of the Outlanders arrive and side with Sora and the Gaang in an attempt to talk Nuka out of "Kovu"'s duty. Nuka slowly raises his paw into the air, preparing for the kill.  
"Hey, genius!" Vitani shouts. "Get down here and let me flatten you!"  
"Nuka, don't be a hero!" says Zira. "That's Kovu's job!"  
Nuka pauses as his paw is at its highest. He looks at Zira with amazement.  
"Mother! You called me Nuka! _You called me Nuka!!_ I have a reason to live aga-"  
Just when Nuka is feeling good about himself, a bolt of lightning strikes Nuka, charring his outsides. Before he can even react, he is struck by another bolt a few seconds later.  
"Struck by lightning... twice," Nuka wheezes. "What're the chances?!"  
Nuka is promptly struck by multiple bolts of lightning, setting him ablaze. Nuka falls over on his side, leaving King Simba to flee the scene. Nuka gives off a few coughs before weakly croaking his last words.  
"I'm sorry... Mother. I _triiiiied..._"  
Nuka dies as the rain extinguishes his burning body, while Zira looks on with confusion. She turns to Vitani.  
"Say, Vitani. Who was that guy?"  
"Not sure, but whoever it was, I'm pretty sure it was Kovu's fault."  
"Does this constitute an infinitely disturbing death inflicted by yours truly?"  
"Don't see why not."  
Sora backs off uneasily. "Oh, God..."  
Sora, along with the rest of the Gaang, dash away from Pride Rock, with Zira in hot pursuit.  
"Wait, Kovu!" chimes Zira, feigning good intentions. "I just want to talk to you!"  
"Any bright ideas, Sora?" asks Donald.  
"Keep running!" answers Sora.  
"Good idea," agrees Donald.  
"But I can't really run that fast, Sora," whines Goofy. "Can we slow down a bit?"  
Zira continues to fake motherly love as she pursues the Gaang. "Kovu, darling, light of my life, I'm not going to hurt you! I'm just going to rip open your innards, that's all!"  
"Hmm, lemme think about that," says Sora, addressing Goofy's foolish request for rest. "_No!!_ Keep running!"  
"But I don't wanna!" complains Goofy. Out of energy, he trips over nothing and lies helplessly on the ground. Zira lunges at Goofy with her claws extended.  
"This is for you, Scar!"  
As Zira reaches the peak of her leap, Scrooge flies right in front of her face. "Hello!"  
Scrooge plasters himself onto Zira's face, obscuring her vision and causing her to fly harmlessly over Goofy. Upon reaching the ground, Zira runs aimlessly past the Gaang and runs towards a nearby gorge.  
"Get off of my head, you worthless bird!" snarls Zira.  
"Say pretty please with two walnuts and a slice of bacon!"  
Zira, unable to see the incoming gorge, blindly runs off it and plummets down into a watery grave. Sora, Donald and Goofy run towards the cliff and look down. There is no trace of either Zira or Scrooge.  
"Wow," says Donald. "Uncle Scrooge actually did something useful."  
"Yeah. And he sacrificed himself to boot," adds Goofy.  
Sora sighs with relief. "Good riddance."  
Just as Sora begins to believe that there may be a kind and loving god after all, Scrooge suddenly flies up to the Gaang's level, wetter than an underwater bathtub. "Ahoy, apples of the deep!"  
"Looks like you spoke too soon, Sora," moans Goofy.  
"Well, at least it's not all bad," says Sora. "At least Buzz is still dead."  
Buzz, looking as if he never crashed full-speed into a giant tree, wheels towards the rest of the Gaang. "Hey, guys! How's it going?"  
Sora groans with sheer annoyance. "Aw, man! Who's bright idea was it to bring you back to life?!"  
Rafiki pops out from inside Buzz's trunk. "It was mine!"  
"Yeah, that's really nice, Rafiki," Sora drones drearily.  
Rafiki takes a bow. "Happy to be of service, my friends."  
Just then, a large Keyhole-shaped glow radiates on Rafiki's staff. Sora's Keyblade takes a life of its own and points at the staff, firing off a small ray of light. The Keyhole disappears with a bright flash. However, instead of an antidote, the Gaang gets one flustered mandrill.  
"Hey! Who gave you permission to cast spells on my magical staff?! That's my special staff, you know!"  
"I just hate double-entendres," Buzz mutters to himself.  
"_Silence_, all of you!" Rafiki shouts. "Now for defacing my staff, you shall all be punished! Behold!"  
Rafiki holds his staff by its bottom and starts swinging it around in the air, chanting an odd incantation.  
"Mama-se, mama-sa, ma-ma-koo-_sa!_ Mama-se, mama-sa, ma-ma-koo-_sa!_ Mama-se, mama-sa, ma-ma-koo-_sa!_"  
Rafiki slams the staff into the ground, creating a large, blue, lightning-laden cloud that engulfs the Gaang. When the smoke clears, the Gaang is (of course) gone. Rafiki begins to walk away.  
"That oughta teach you to play with my staff..."

Meanwhile, back at the Radiant Garden, Merlin's House has been repaired. A Liverpudlian-accented construction worker calls out to his fellow workers. "All right, boys! The house is fixed! You can turn off the barriers now!"  
Inside Merlin's House, everyone (excluding Cid) is still stuck in their hideously deformed explosion-induced states while Cid watches his computer screen intently. Black Mage, whose head is still attached to Yuffie's shoulder, is scrunching up his face in pain, looking as if his arm was chewed off (which it was). Yuffie, holding that said arm in her right hand at this very moment, uses it to prod Cid's shoulder.  
"Hey, Cid. What can you download that can fix all this? That Leon thing over there's starting to make me gag."  
"Not now, sugar queen," Cid quips. "I'm watching something right now."  
Yuffie looks over Cid's shoulder and discovers the contents of the computer screen to her annoyance: Cid is watching a YouTube video featuring Timon and Pumbaa arguing about whether crunchy bugs or slimy bugs are better, with Kiara watching unrelentlessly. Cid, needless to say, is amazed.  
"Oh... man. This is the best argument... in the history of the world."  
"The agony..." Black Mage rasps.


	12. Episode 12: Deep Sea Rhyming

In the Disney Castle, The King Mickey, in the comfort of his bedroom, has a conversation with his TV, or, to be more accurate, Yen Sid's image on the TV.  
"I see you've hardly taken care of the business we've discussed," Yen Sid states quite discontently.  
"No need to rub it in, Master Yen Sid, sir," The King Mickey responds. "I'll deal with that situation as soon as Sora and the others get back."  
This doesn't ease Yen Sid's skepticism one bit. "Will you indeed, Mickey? I wonder. I have my doubts. I and others have come to believe that your heart is not in this, that you haven't the testicular fortitude for it."  
"Just give me one more chance to prove it, Master Yen Sid," begs The King Mickey. "That's all I ask."  
"Sora and the others appear to be stronger than you imagined, my closed-minded student," says Yen Sid. "Somewhat more resourceful. They seem to have got the better of you."  
"For the moment, Master Yen Sid," assures The King Mickey. "Only for the moment."  
Yen Sid nods disapprovingly. "I'm afraid you will have to prove your coolness in a more humane manner, my young apprentice. I fear that is the only thing to do."  
"There's nothing I'd look forward to with greater pleasure, Master Yen Sid," fibs The King Mickey.  
"You give your word on that view, young Mickey?" asks Yen Sid, raising an eyebrow.  
Unbeknownst to Yen Sid, The King Mickey has his fingers crossed behind his back. "I give you my word."  
After a short silence between them, Yen Sid's head disappears from the TV screen, leaving nothing but static. The King Mickey gets on his knees and sobs inconsolably.  
"I miss my TV so much! How am I supposed to feel great if I can't watch innocent children descend into sleep-deprivation-induced madness?! _How?!_"  
Having overheard The King Mickey, a Worker Broom peeks its head into The King Mickey's bedroom. "There's always video games."  
"This doesn't concern you, Wilfred!" yells The King Mickey. "Go jump into a fire or something!"  
"Yes, my liege." Wilfred shuts the door and goes off to do just what The King ordered.  
The King Mickey stands up, walks towards his staticy, hissing television, and begins to pet it delicately.  
"Don't cry, Telly," The King Mickey whispers compassionately. "I'll have you fixed up in no time, and soon, you and I will share many quenchy moments together, laughing at hapless cactus juice addicts 'till our sides are sore." The King Mickey reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out a lint-covered cellphone. "Until then, I'm going to have to start taking drastic measures to get you back."  
The King Mickey opens the cellphone up and bangs on the keyboard once. He holds the phone up to his ear.  
"Hello, operator? I'd like to get a few numbers."

Meanwhile, in the Gummi Ship (the whereabouts of which are at the moment unknown), the Gaang sleep soundly in random spots and uncomfortable positions. Out of the blue, Sora jolts awake, sweating quite profusely.  
"_BUNNIES!!!_"  
Everyone else is awoken by Sora's involuntary vocal outburst. Scrooge wakes up a second later.  
"I swear, officer! She was at least 16 years old!"  
"What happened, Sora?!" asks Buzz. "Are space rabbits attacking our ship again?"  
"No," Sora answered. "I dreampt that Kairi dumped me for Riku, and then they disappeared into an instant cup of noodles. Guys, I think Riku's putting the moves on Kairi behind my back."  
"Don't be ridiculous, Sora," Goofy says, attempting to make Sora feel better. "Riku would never hit on Kairi behind your back because he's your friend. Just like Donald wouldn't set Scrooge on fire without me because he's my friend. Isn't that right, Donald?"  
Goofy turns around to see Scrooge tied up, doused in gasoline and surrounded by firecrackers, barrels of overproof rum, and wax candles. Donald is trying to light a match right next to Scrooge. "Huh?" Donald emits, paying no heed to Goofy.  
"Dinner," Scrooge spurts.  
"I knew you guys would agree with me," says Goofy. "So why don't you say we open up a door here and give Sora some fresh air."  
Goofy walks towards the Gummi Ship door and reaches for it. Buzz gasps in fear. "Goofy, stop! We don't even know where we are!"  
Goofy opens the door, only to be met with a gigantic burst of saltwater that now threatens to fill the entire Gummi Ship. A few fish are mixed into the burst.  
"Donald, do something!" Sora shouts over the roaring water.  
"I'm on it, I'm on it! _Omengni dnif!_"  
Donald raises his staff over his head. The staff emits a black gas that fills the entire Gummi Ship. The group emerges from the submerged Gummi Ship as sea creature-related freaks: Besides, being stripped of his shirt, Sora leg's have been replaced with a dolphin's tail. Likewise, Donald's and Scrooge's legs have been replaced with octopus tentacles. Goofy's body has been turned into a sea turtle shell, and Buzz is a yellow toy submarine. The waterlogged Gummi Ship sinks behind them.  
"How did the Gummi Ship end up in Atlantica?" Sora asks himself.  
"I think that's Rafiki's fault," guesses Goofy.  
As Sora makes a mental note to himself to avoid crazy old men at all costs, Buzz watches as the Gummi Ship hits the ocean floor below them. "Well, I don't see any way we can get out of here now."  
"I do!" says Scrooge. "Just pop the Gummi Ship's drain and let all the water out!"  
"Is anyone else glad Scrooge is on the team?" Sora asks sarcastically. "Because I'm very glad that Scrooge is on the team."  
Buzz, not too adept at sarcasm, hopes that Sora's kidding. "Really?"  
"_NO!! _Now lemme think. How can I get the mad skills needed to win over Kairi and rule over noobs?"  
As Sora goes into deep thought, a small clownfish swims up to his vicinity. "Have you seen my dad?"  
"No. Now buzz off," says Sora, swatting the clownfish away with the back of his hand. After a few more seconds of thinking, the little light bulb implanted into Sora's brain lights up.  
"Yeah... I know! I gotta believe!"  
Goofy doesn't quite follow. "Believe in what, Sora?"  
Sora gives off a frustrated sigh. "Just come with me."

Sora takes the Gaang to Ariel's Grotto, a shack-sized rock with an entrance blocked by another rock, which acts as a makeshift door.  
Goofy has his doubts. "Are you sure you'll learn how to fight from Ariel? I mean, with her being a girl and all?"  
"Relax, Goofy," assures Sora. "With all the feminist sentiment around these parts, I'm sure to learn something from the Princess."  
"Like knitting?" comments Donald.  
"Yeah, Donald!" says Sora. "I'm gonna learn how to knit a blanket, so that way Riku will have to outknit me, which he can't!"  
Scrooge begins to ramble. "I like blankets with little-"  
"_NOT... KNITTING!!!_" Sora screams at the top of his lungs. "I'm gonna learn all kinds of fighting styles that Riku doesn't know, like mee krob and moo goo gai pan. Those are fighting styles, right?"  
Buzz knows the answer "No they're n-"  
"My point exactly," Sora interrupts. "Now let's get in there and learn how to fight! See you guys later."  
Sora pushes aside the boulder leading inside Ariel's Grotto and enters the premises.  
"Close that door behind you!" shouts Ariel from inside the grotto. "It's bad feng shui."  
"Oh, sorry," apologizes Sora, turning around to pull the rock back into place. The rest of the Gaang stand idly in front of the boulder.  
"So now what do we do?" Donald asks of the others.  
"Contemplate our place in the universe?" suggests Scrooge.  
"You don't even know what that means, Scrooge," remarks Goofy.  
Scrooge struggles to come up with a response. "Uh... cherry toppings!"

===_Ariel's Rap_===  
Ariel and Sora bow to each other before proceeding with the lesson.  
"Now, Sora," says Ariel. "It is time for some 'finny fu'."  
"What?!" Sora uneasily braces himself for whatever is in store.

_Time to teach you some of my new moves.  
Just pay close attention and stick to my grooves.  
You will have plenty of faces to wreck.  
I learned all these moves from watching _Shrek.

_Fish kick. Fish punch.  
Throw brick. Now for lunch.  
Fish chop. Fish fight.  
P0wn shop. Pasta might._

_I've got the voice of Dion and the mad skillz of Rocky,  
so don't go putting me down, ya disc jockey!  
To all who get ideas, you better start to run,  
before I give you a whole new brand of finny fun._

_Break his hands. Smash his face.  
Kick his can. Show him disgrace.  
Fish style. Fill him with doom.  
Take him to trial. Hit him with a broom._

_I'm the teacher and you are my student,  
so you should know that I am really prudent.  
We assert superiority any way we can  
to defeat the evil forces of man._

_Do a butterfly flutter. Cut him up like butter.  
Eat him up whole. Do a barrel roll.  
Fish punching. Fish chopping.  
Fool munching. They be dropping._

_Now it comes to this, the final chapter.  
You've got the ferocity of a raptor.  
You will definitely make your lover's day.  
As for that other friend, you can hit him with a sleigh._

_Fish kicking, punching and pose.  
It's hot, so take off some clothes.  
Give it a twist, then a shove.  
Now a kiss, and then make love._

A panting and sweating Sora stops right there in his tracks. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I got what I came here for, lady! I almost lost my virginity once this week already! I'm outta here!"

Outside Ariel's Grotto, the rest of the Gaang are playing Parcheezi to pass the time. Sora emerges from the grotto to meet up with them.  
"Oh hey, Sora," greets Goofy. "Didja learn what you needed to learn?"  
"Sure did, Goofy!" enthusiastically replies Sora, having decided not to tell them about his near sexual encounter with Ariel. "I learned all sorts of mad fighting skillz! Check this out!"  
Sora starts roundhouse kicking (how do you do that with a fish tail?) around the area, making wild, shrieking vocalizations for emphasis. Shortly after, King Triton floats towards Sora.  
"I say there, Sora! Do you know the times?"  
Sora, without looking, kicks Triton square in the mouth, knocking a few of his teeth out. Sora discovers what he's done and sees Triton gripping his mouth in pain. Sora looks around frantically for a solution.  
"Uh... uh... Donald! Lightning 3 attack!"  
Donald, on the same mindset as Sora, is quick to raise his staff and cast a spell. "_Eiwob xonnel!_"  
A bolt of lightning strikes King Triton, reducing him to a smoking, charred corpse. Sora stares at Triton's body long enough to confirm that he is truly dead. He leans toward his Gaangmates and whispers. "Guys, let's get out of here."  
"Good plan," agrees Buzz.  
Sora and the Gaang dash hastily off the scene as a great white shark, a mako shark, and a hammerhead shark promptly appear to graphically devour King Triton's dead body.

At the Undersea Gorge, the "hub" of Atlantica, Sora and Gaang catch their breath and comtemplate their situation.  
"Oh, man," Sora says hopelessly. "How are we gonna tell Ariel that we killed her dad?"  
"Here's an idea," Donald declares. "Let's not tell her about it and just go back to finding and/or beating up The King Mickey. And by 'or', I mean another 'and'."  
"That would be the logical course of action," says Buzz. "But you're forgetting one obstacle: the Gummi Ship's still sunk."  
"I've got an idea!" announces Scrooge.  
"And I've got a brain tumor," Sora mutters to himself, plugging his ears.  
"Let's get some more money!"  
Sora unplugs his ears. "Has he stopped talking yet?"  
"Actually, that's not such a bad idea..."  
Sora is incredulous. "_What?!_Please tell me you just acting OOC!"  
"No, think about it, Sora. What better way to heal emotional scars than by throwing money around?"  
Sora has to admit that idea has some merit. "Hmm, great idea. Except for one problem: how are we supposed to get that kind of money?"  
After a few seconds of deep thought, the little light bulb implanted into Sora's brain lights up.  
"Yeah... I know! I gotta believe!"  
Buzz feels the need to question him on that. "Does that even mean anything?"  
Sora gives off a frustrated sigh, unable to really answer that question. "Never mind. Just come with me."

On the surface of the ocean stands a big rock coated with cheap, worthless stuff such as bent forks and smoking pipes. Scuttle, the overseer of this establishment, stands lethargically by his goods, trying not to fall asleep amidst the slow business of his market. The silence is broken by the surfacing of Sora and the Gaang in front of the market. Scuttle snaps out of his boredom and reacts enthusiastically to the appearance of potential customers.  
"Finally, I made a friend!! Err, I mean, I have a customer! If I had a fish head for every time I had one of those, I'd only have half a fish head! What kind of stuff can I sell you today?" Scuttle searches through his inventory and picks up a discarded bobbin, holding it up for his clients to see. "How about this magical 'massagimabobber'? Oh, so beautiful, so rare, it makes you just want to hurl!"  
As if Scuttle unintentionally beckoned them, a flock of smaller seagulls flap down to Scuttle's level and try to get at the bobbin, all the while barking out an annoying "Mine!" throughout the assault. Scuttle agressively swats at the seagulls in an attempt to fend them off, dropping his precious bobbin in the process.  
"Get back, you little rats with wings! It's my expensive stuff! It's not yours! I need this _STUFF_ to _SELL_ for _MONEY!_"  
Sora picks up those key words in Scuttle's speech and becomes eager. "Great! Stuff! If we sell enough of this 'stuff', we'll get enough money to heal Ariel's emotional wounds."  
As Sora approaches Scuttle, the seagulls fly away, leaving Scuttle huffing heavily. "Scuttle, can I sell this stuff with you?"  
Scuttle looks over Sora's person and decides that the boy has a marketable physique, which should serve to attract customers. "All right, fine. I could use some sex appeal to reel in the jerks, anyhow."  
Sora pumps his fists with joy. "Oh boy! Once this is over, I'll be swimming around with a pocketful of shells! See you after work, guys."  
Sora climbs onto Scuttle's market while the rest of the Gaang submerge themselves and go off to do their own thing.

===_Scuttle's Rap_===  
Now that Sora has situated himself near the market, Scuttle digs through his inventory.

_I sell this stuff to pay off my bills.  
I don't go makin' mountains out of anthills.  
So find your own style that's true-blue for you.  
And don't forget the turtles when you do._Scuttle picks up a dented bottle cap.

_By digging my way through all this crap,  
I found this klingbon to use as a cap.  
This oh-so-human thing is so very divine,  
I'm willing to sell it for only 3.99!_A small sky-blue fish emerges in front of the market. His speech is marred by a distracting lisp.

_Now lithten up thtraight, y'all chicken legth.  
I'd like a piethe o' Thwith toatht with thcrambled eggth  
and a thide o' hash brown, make it ekthtra-crithpy.  
And while you're at it, make my voithe leth lithpy!  
_  
Scuttle shakes his fist and talks down on the lisping fish.

_You fool! This ain't no restaurant!  
Tell you what, why don't ya swim to Vermont?!  
That way, you can swim in maple syrup,  
and while you're at it, choke on a turnip!  
_  
Scuttle takes a ripe turnip from his inventory and chucks it at the fish, forcing him to go under. Scuttle then picks up a severed skunk's tail from the inventory. A foul aroma still surrounds it.

_Now what we have here is a real stinker.  
You can use it as a real stain shrinker.  
Who d'ya think will buy it? Who could it be?  
This thing is gonna sell for 5.93!_A sophisticated catfish wearing a monocle emerges.

_Your rhymes, though quite intricate,  
promote values that are cheaper than Easter chocolate.  
This is the worst rap I've heard by far.  
I give it a negative one-and-a-half star._

Scuttle doesn't take this intrusion well.

_Do you mind?! I'm trying to sell stuff here!  
My profits aren't enough to last me a year!  
So to you, I'm gonna say "Au revoir".  
I'm gonna hit you with this here pickled egg jar!  
_  
Scuttle takes a glass jar full of pickled eggs and chucks it at the catfish, forcing him to go under. Finally, Scuttle picks up a sheet of paper, which has Ariel's signature at the bottom.

_I have a last resort, just so you know.  
I have the deed to Ariel's Grotto!  
The ownership of this is so very nice,  
I'm gonna let the next jerk name the price!  
_  
A coelacanth emerges.

_I'm a representative of Glue, Inc.  
Just so you know, we look pretty in pink.  
For a million clams, we want to buy from you  
that deed as to make a factory of glue.  
_  
Scuttle's eyes gleam with greed.

_That's the best deal in my whole life!  
Now I can forget about my worries and my strife!  
Trust me, you will not regret this!  
Thank you for making my life a bliss!_As Scuttle and the coelacanth trade money and the deed, Scuttle turns to Sora with a smile. "Sora, thanks to you, I've made a bundle! Here! Take half the profits! You earned it!"  
"Wow!" says Sora, amazed by the ease of his job. "I didn't even have to do anything! Thanks a lot!"

Sora, cradling 500,000 clams in his arms, returns to the underwaters to meet up with the rest of the Gaang, once again playing Parcheezi. Buzz looks up to Sora. "So how much did you get?"  
Sora holds out the clams for the others to see. "Check it out: 500,000 clams!"  
"Wow!" Goofy exclaims. "500,000 buckaroonis?! That's enough to emotionally heal _two_ people!"  
"C'mon, everyone!" says Sora. "Let's go find Ariel and make her filthy rich."

Sora and Gaang, under the assumption that Ariel is still at her grotto, swim over to that general area.  
"Hey, Ariel, I got a... whoa."  
Sora and Gaang stop and find that Ariel's Grotto has been replaced by a Gehry-esque, smog-producing glue factory depositing barrels of glue onto the ocean floor. Distraught, Ariel can only stare horrifically. Sora rushes to Ariel's side, attempting to reassure her.  
"Listen. It was all Scuttle's fault. He was the one who sold the deed to your Grotto, so if you want someone to piledrive, Scuttle's your man, and I promise that I had nothing to do with-"  
Fighting back tears, Ariel swims away to the direction of Scuttle's market without a word. Disappointed with himself, Sora drops the huge amount of clams and slumps over.  
"What a mess. I guess I'm not as good as talking to girls as I thought I was."  
"Yup. You're pretty much a corn dog," Scrooge bluntly states.  
"Gee. Thanks a lot, Scrooge."  
"Dinner again."  
Sora begins to swim in the direction of the Gummi Ship. "C'mon guys. Let's head back to the Gummi Ship. Dunno how we're gonna get the water out, but-"  
Sora stops to find that a timid-looking royal gramma carrying a small, battery-operated television is standing right in his path.  
"Aw, cool!" Sora says delightedly. "A random fish with a television! This oughta solve our problems. Hey, is your name Dewey?"  
"No," the gramma responds.  
"Because I'm gonna call ya Dewey Ex Machinima!"  
The gramma tries to object. "But... that's not my name. It's Gu-"  
"Yeah, whatever. It's Dewey Ex Machinima from now on," Sora interrupts.  
"If you insist," Dewey says, sighing with depression. "Oh, my life blows. Jacques."  
A tiny, suspiciously French-looking cleaner shrimp comes out of hiding from behind Dewey. Dewey holds out the TV in front of him, allowing Jacques to press a button on it. Crackling video static appears on the screen. A moment later, the Gaang is met with a close-up of two cardboard cutouts of anorexic supermodels, a certain crab's mouth superimposed over theirs as a happy-go-lively tune plays in the background.  
"Love dat Sebastian!" the supermodels say in a voice that is obviously Sebastian's own voice in falsetto.  
The TV Dinner-style music continues as a small, Jamaican pitchcrab, Sebastian, pushes his shopping cart down the aisle of a supermarket. The shelves are filled to the brim with foodstuffs bearing his cartoony visage. Sebastian waves merrily in time to the music.  
"New and improved Sebastian brand foodstuffs! Now with 100% imitation crab meat, so dis time it isn't poisonous to anybody!"  
"That we know of," an off-screen voice adds quickly.  
"Let's go to our blind taste test," Sebastian continues.  
The commercial cuts to an anonymous merman, gagged and blindfolded, tied to a chair, squirming and struggling. On the table before him is a package labelled "BRAND X". A superimposed title reads "NOT AN ACTOR". Sebastian looks upon the scene with pity.  
"Ooh, dis one's tense. Irritable. Outta sorts." Sebastian wags a claw condensatingly. "He's been using Brand X! But with new and improved Sebastian brand..."  
The camera pans to a blindfolded merman, sitting perfectly still in his chair, grinning widely as sparkles surround his head.  
"...it's a smile every time!"  
The commercial cuts to an idyllic, pastoral coral field, where Sebastian now looms. On a picnic blanket before him are two sexually-uninterested, lethargic-looking stonefish, one male, one female.  
"And de world smiles with you!" says Sebastian. "Irresistable... and oh-so-kissable!"  
Sebastian grabs the two stonefish by their heads, forcing them into each other for an unwanted kiss. The Gaang looks on with a puzzled look as Sebastian's promo continues.  
"I know what you're thinking. Where can I buy dese fine, fine products? Well, dat's de gimmick, folks! I have nowhere to sell 'em, so I'm throwing dem out in random spots in de ocean for all to buy!"  
The commercial cuts back to the supermarket aisle, where Sebastian resumes pushing a shopping cart.  
"Now on your grocer's shelf. Or on de ground! Wherevah you find it first. So remembah, eat Sebastian's foodstuffs, and put on a happy face!"  
Sebastian gives the camera a big, juicy wink before the cleaner shrimp turns the miniature TV off. Sora has only a second to process what he just saw before a small cardboard box bearing Sebastian's face hits his head, tossed by a grumpy-looking orange octopus in an apron.  
"Would anyone care to explain to me how this is relevant to any of our problems?" asks Buzz.  
Scrooge begins to dance in place. "What a wonderful day to bake a cake! A cake we will bake and we'll do it with a rake!"  
"Anyone besides Scrooge?"  
"Naw, I think Scrooge has a point," says Goofy. "A cake will probably make Ariel feel a little better about her house being taken away."  
"Oh yeah, what a great idea," says Sora sarcastically. "We can ruin her life and her figure on the same day. Now if only we could find where Sebastian _is_."  
Sora looks to Dewey for answers. "Don't look at me. I'm just a plot device."  
Dewey and Jacques swim away, leaving Sora to think for himself. The little light bulb implanted into Sora's brain lights up.  
"Yeah... I know! I gotta believe!"  
"All right, you're gonna have to explain that to us," Donald inquires.  
Sora still doesn't quite has the answers himself. "Uh... how about not."

Sora and Gaang make their way to King Triton's chamber, which now acts as Sebastian's refinery floor for his unique brand of foodstuffs. Sebastian watches over all of his mindless drones like a middle-class manager as they, in this order, take anything that looks remotely edible, coat it with a thin layering of bat guano (apparently the special ingredient), put the individual foodthings in boxes, and give the boxes to hapless cronies to toss about randomly.  
"Keep it coming, boys! More food, more guano, more money!" Sebastian yells to his employees.  
Sora creeps towards Sebastian, who looks quite busy as it is. Sebastian jolts around and glares at Sora, looking quite piffed. "What?!"  
Sora, taken aback by Sebastian's hostile demeanor, becomes meek under his glare. "Oh, um, sorry to have bothered you, but I kinda need to make a cake for-"  
"You're takin' time outta my scehedule for a cake?" Sebastian says impatiently. "Well, whatevah. Let's just get dis ovahwith, because you're cutting into my siesta time."  
"Whoa, that was quick," says Sora. "But anyway, let's get started!"  
The rest of the Gaang take this as their cue to leave the factory.

===_Sebastian's Rap_===  
_People think I cannot cook 'cuz I'm a crab,  
but dey don't know what I do in my lab.  
Just check out dese bangahs! No wire hangahs!  
We'll turn dat body from fab into flab._

Let's put some caviar into de bowl.  
De unborn fetuses give it soul.  
Next, we're gonna put in some flouah.  
Sugars and starches give it some powah.

I'm gonna tell you dis, I'm not gonna lie:  
Bakin' cake is easiah while eatin' some rye.  
Let us not mutter. Clean up de clutter,  
'cause now it's time to add in de butter!

Now we're gonna preheat the stove.  
Betcha didn't know, my favorite color's mauve!  
For now, we're gonna put in de cake  
and leave it inside de oven to bake.

For sitting around I am not paid.  
To save up on time, I had one premade.  
Take out de scabs and de fake crabs.  
Let's see that jerk put THAT on our tabs.

De scabs go here, de crabs go there,  
and de bat guano goes everywhere.  
De bat guano gives it dat special taste.  
I give it to you all, tastes bettah than paste.

Sora pokes Sebastians shoulder with an uncertain look on his face. "Hey, um, Sebastian, the fake crabs in my cake don't smell very... fake."  
"What d'ya mean? Lemme smell dat." Sebastian goes over to Sora's cake and takes a whiff at it. He suddenly becomes horrified and sickened.  
"_MOM!_"  
"Uh-oh..."

The Gaang sit outside Sebastian's factory playing (you guessed it) Parcheezi. Buzz makes his move. "Your turn, fogey," he says to Scrooge.  
Scrooge makes a turn. "Your turn, pancake," he says back to Buzz.  
Goofy hears the sound of Sora screaming from inside Sebastian's factory. Sure enough, he sees Sora swimming for his life from the facility.  
"Hey look, it's Sora! Hey, Sora! How's challenges?"  
Sora dashes past the Gaang at high speed, heeding no word to Goofy's polite greeting. His sheer velocity is enough to send everyone spinning in place four or five times. Scrooge raises his arms into the air.  
"Wheeeee!"  
Sora rushes a short distance further before he rams himself into Ariel at the Undersea Gorge. Sora embarrassedly peels his head out of Ariel's bosom to come face-to-face with her infuriated visage.  
"Uh... hello, Ariel," he says abashedly.  
Ariel slaps Sora, hard, across the face, leaving a large, red, hand-shaped mark on his cheek. The rest of the Gaang finally catch up to Sora in time to see this occur.  
"I'm guessing you didn't deserve that one?" asks Buzz.  
"Nah, I deserved that one," replies Sora.  
"You sold... my... house!" Ariel fumes.  
Scuttle, wearing a fish bowl over his head, swims down to everyone else's level, looking just as piffed as Ariel is.  
"Ariel here sued me out of my hard-earned money, and now I'm gonna be _two_ years behind my rent, and it's all your fault for ratting me out!"  
Donald swims forward to defend Sora. "So Sora made a couple of mistakes! Cut him some slack! It's not like anyone got hurt! Physically, that is."  
Sebastian swims over to the others, looking the most furious of all. "You served my muddah and my two bruddahs in a guano-covered cake!! I was gonna blackmail 'em for food supplies!"  
"Never mind," Donald mutters as Ariel, Scuttle and Sebastian advance on Sora.  
"I should've known better than to lull every male outsider into my world!"  
"Let's lynch the tar outta 'im!"  
"Yeah, go for his tiny tail!"  
Sora backs up and gives himself some room. "Why does this always happen to _me_?!"

===_All Masters Rap_===  
Ariel nears Sora to deal with him through fisticuffs.

_I'm a homeless bum, and it's because of you!  
Now I won't be able to get that new tattoo!_

_Kick, punch, chop, and the fight!  
Give me pasta power, give me pasta might!  
If I had a bigger stomach, I'd eat you whole!  
But for now, I'll just do a barrel roll!_

Sora, having learned the same moves from Ariel herself, easily retaliates.

_Brick, lunch, shop, and the might!  
I'm the Keybearer of the Light!  
Like a butterfly I will flutter!  
Now I smooth you up like butter!_

Sora "finny fu"s Ariel until she stops thinking conscious thoughts. With Ariel out of commission, Scuttle comes in to confront Sora with a broken bottle.

_I just got sued right outta my ass!  
I'm gonna hit you know with this bottle o' glass!_

This bottle o' glass that I got right here  
came all the way, I say, from Zaire,  
but since you sued me out of a job,  
I'm gonna violate you, yes, real macabre!

Sora, having aided Scuttle in selling his junk, is well aware of his low tolerance to criticism.

_That piece o' glass ain't all that nice.  
That thing ain't gonna sell for any price.  
You're the worst salesman I've met so far.  
I give your mad skillz a total of one star!_

Sora snatches Scuttle's glass bottle and smashes it against his fish bowl, shattering it into a thousand pieces. Scuttle, being an air creature, grabs his throat and floats to the surface, leaving Sebastian to take over, holding two steak knives.

_You cooked my family and my friends!  
I'm gonna shove dese knives right up your ends!_

_Now dat we tenderized de teenagah,  
it's time to slice up de little buggah.  
Let's cut 'im up before he goes on de run!  
Would ya like him rare, medium, or well done?_

Sora goes on to display the newfound knowledge of cooking that Sebastian gave him.

_I cooked your moms, and I can cook up you!  
I can serve you right up in witch's brew  
with a little good side of hash'n brown!  
I serve you back to Hoboken, so get down!_

Sora takes Sebastian's steak knives and impales him with both of them. When all of his past masters have been defeated, Ursula appears out of nowhere to do in impromptu rap.

_You think you defeated me? I laugh at your face!  
Of all that is skinniness I'll leave no trace!  
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
who's the fattest one of them all?  
Why, that would be yours truly, that's me!  
Moss grows thick on the north of a tree!_

Sora, having bested all his teachers, lays down what he has learned.

_Ursula, you just don't understand  
how to get a good man. Lemme lend you a hand  
'Cuz you're so fat, you oughta be dead.  
The girls really want someone with a face and head.  
That way you'll have someone to hug ya n' kiss ya.  
Take that from me, your number-one teachah!_

And I am out!

Sora and the others swim towards the Gummi Ship, leaving Ursula utterly defeated.  
"Well I sure learned a lot today," says Sora. "I learned finny fu, how to sell useless stuff and how to make guano dishes all on the same day! This is sure to win over Kairi!"  
"But I thought you said that the ladies wanted people with faces and heads," remarks Goofy, having remembered Sora's rap.  
"Yeah, well... shut up, Goofy."  
"Aww..."  
Just then, a large Keyhole-shaped glow radiates on Triton's castle. Sora's Keyblade takes a life of its own and points at the castle, firing off a small ray of light. The Keyhole disappears with a bright flash.  
"I suppose we should get going," Sora decides. "I can't wait to serve The King Mickey soon."

The Gaang swim to where their Gummi Ship sank. However, they find that the Gummi Ship is missing.  
"Hey, where'd the Gummi Ship go?" Sora asks.  
"Come to think of it, where's Scrooge?" Goofy adds.  
Just as the others discover that Scrooge is missing, the Gummi Ship hovers down to their level from above. It turns towards the Gaang to reveal that Scrooge is in the seat eating salami. "Eating salami in the mornin' mornin'!"  
Sora shivers, trying his best not to throttle anybody. "Two things. One: who left the Ship unlocked? And two... _how the hell did Scrooge get that thing flying?!_"  
"Simple, my little turduckens!" responds Scrooge triumphantly. "I found the drain in the floor, removed the plug and let all the water out! Elementary, my dear Flatson!"  
"Y'know, I'm really glad that Scrooge is on the team," says Buzz in a tone that makes it difficult to determine whether he's being sarcastic or genuine.  
"Seashells seashells by the Seashell Four!" replies Scrooge.  
Sora, however, won't stand for any of this. "No! I'm not gonna hear this! I can't risk getting yet another ulcer! Someone just shove Scrooge in the broom closet and let me at the wheel!"  
Sora and the others swim to the Gummi Ship. Sora swings open the door and lets gallons of water in, but due to the physics-warping powers of Scrooge's senility, the Ship doesn't sink. As the Gaang boards and prepares to leave, a clownfish and a regal tang, Marlin and Dory, swim towards the Gummi Ship in a hurry. Marlin calls out to them urgently.  
"Wait! Hold on! You gotta help me find my son!"  
Buzz peaks his head out from the Gummi Ship window. "Sorry! Can't help you! Only one adventure per world!"  
The Gummi Ship turns up at a 90-degree angle and blasts off, leaving the fish and the world behind. Marlin turns to Dory, trying not to scream. "I'm gonna be stuck with you forever, aren't I?"  
"How did we get out here in the middle of the ocean?" Dory asks.  
Marlin drearily swims towards a rock wall and bangs his head against it in unfathomable frustration, sickened by his apparent fate as Dory wonders how they can breath underwater.


	13. Episode 13: Maleficent's New Groove

The insides of the Gummi Ship are dripping wet and smell of brine and seaweed. The Gaang, now in their normal forms, are equally drenched, but look quite satisfied nonetheless: Scrooge's beak is wrapped with duct tape, forcing it shut, and his hands and feet are tied together with the same adhesive. Buzz gives a sigh of relief. "I gotta hand it to you, Sora. This 'duct tape' idea of yours has really lowered the tension in our group. I can already feel my blood pressure lowering by the minute."  
"Well, I gotta admit," says Sora proudly "I've really outdone myself. My concentration has never been so concentrating before!"  
Goofy points at the side of his head and speaks rapidly. "The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side." Goofy gasps, amazed at himself. "Oh, joy! Rapture! I have more than ten brain cells now! How can I ever thank you enough?"  
"Yeah, I know, I'm great," says Sora. Donald pokes Sora's shoulder.  
"Sora, there's this warm feeling inside my chest, and something funny's happening to the sides of my mouth." The corners of Donald's mouth wiggle and turn upward. Sora looks on with fascination.  
"Why, Donald. I do believe you're feeling happy! Quick!! Someone get the camera!!"  
Seeing how everyone is doing better off without his zany input, Scrooge begins to feel sad.

In a mountainous jungle world not too far off, there is a gaudy, golden Incan palace overseeing the vast nation. In one of the rooms, a hapless, stout servant is readying a lineup of beautiful women in preparation for the arrival of an undoubtedly important person. Suddenly, the fancy door leading to the room bursts open, marking the appearance of a black-haired adolescent with a flamboyant red attire and a funny yellow hat. "Hah! Boom, baby!"  
The Hapless Servant jumps, startled by this abrupt entrance. "Oh, your highness! You're just in time! We already have your potential brides set up for your choosing, my dear Kuzco."  
"Hey! That's _The Emperor_Kuzco!"  
The hapless servant gets down on his knees and bows in reverence. "Oh, sorry. The Emperor Kuzco. Please forgive me."  
The Emperor Kuzco looks down on the servant like one would on an innocent puppy. "Aww, isn't that cute." He then goes deadpan. "Lethal injection. Take him away."  
"But I-"  
Two painted guards grab the servant by one arm each and drag him off to his impending doom. The servant kicks and screams desperately.  
"No!! Please!! Stop!! You can't do this!! I have three grandchildren!! Who's going to teach them the values of liiiiife?!"  
The fancy door slams shut as the servant is escorted out. The Emperor Kuzco brushes his hands together, rather pleased with himself.  
"Now that that's been taken care of, let's take a look at my birds."  
The Emperor Kuzco walks over to the left end of the line of girls, standing in front of a woman with unnaturally curling hair.  
"Hate your hair."  
The Emperor Kuzco walks one step to the right, putting himself in front of a woman with a long neck.  
"Not likely."  
Next up, a woman with an upside-down face.  
"Yikes."  
Now for Siamese twins.  
"Double yikes."  
Lastly, a quite voluptuous woman with a flawless, beautiful face. You could say she's perfect.  
"Giggity giggity giggity giggity no."  
Having gone through all of the women, a stick-legged servant walks over to The Emperor Kuzco to hear what he has to say.  
"Is this all you have?" The Emperor Kuzco asks of the servant, who chuckles softly.  
"So picky as always, The Emperor Kuzco. No matter. We'll just shove this bunch into the gas chambers and we'll have another batch ready for you by Friday."  
"Great! Man, being The Emperor _rocks!_" The Emperor Kuzco says, pumping his fists.  
"Sure it does, The Emperor Kuzco," says the servant. "In my humble opinion, the only thing that could ruin your day now is if your most trusted advisor turned you into some kind of lowly animal and had you ejected out of the palace. But like that's going to happen."  
"You're right, but remind me to fire her ASAP just in case."  
The servant raises an eyebrow. "That's unusually generous of you, The Emperor Kuzco."  
The Emperor Kuzco shrugs. "Eh, what can I say. I'm in a good mood. Now let's go find me some homeless orphans. I'm hungry!"  
The servant bows his head. "Yes, my liege."

Some time later, in the same world, the Gummi Ship lands in a humble peasant village, though not really landing so much as diving head-first into the ground. Sora and the others emerge from their vessel and hop out of it. Donald holds Scrooge over his head.  
"We really should get some landing gear for that thing," states Buzz. He turns to Sora. "Do you even know where we are?"  
"Relax, Buzz," assures Sora. "All we have to do is ask one of these peasants where the nearest Black Angus is. I'm hungry!"  
"You're not even trying to look for the antidote, are you?" drones Buzz.  
"Looking for the what now?"  
"We're doomed," sighs Donald.  
A strange silence sets in as the Gaang waits for someone to say something.  
"Well, that's weird," says Goofy, scratching his head. "Usually, we hear someone say something stupid at this point and kill the moment."  
Donald then remembers what Goofy means. "Now that you mention it, I gotta put something back in the Gummi Ship. Hold on."  
Donald runs back to the Gummi Ship and tosses the bound and gagged Scrooge back into it. Donald runs back to the Gaang.  
"Donald. The window," reminds Goofy.  
"Oh yeah."  
Donald runs back to the Ship and flips a small switch on the door, lowering the window by one inch. As the Gaang walk along a wooden fence, they pass by a downtrodden and unkempt-looking llama with bloodshot hobo eyes, a black mane of hair on its neck, and red fur on its body. It's also tied to the fence by the neck by a thick rope. The llama notices the group and tries to get their attention.  
"Hey, homies, could ya spare me a dime? Hey, homies! Don't ignore... they always ignore me. Hey!"  
Donald turns to the others without batting an eye to the llama. "Hey, guys. I think that demon llama is talking to us. Should I go kill it?"  
"Knock yourself out," answers Sora.  
Donald walks over to the llama and raises his staff over his head in preparation for a killinating spell. The llama waves his hands in a futile attempt to get Donald to desist.  
"No, no, no, stop! You don't wanna do that! Don't you know who I am?!"  
Donald continues to maintain his stance as dark clouds appear overhead. The Grim Reaper's scythe slowly emerges from the clouds, preparing to reap the llama's miserable soul. The llama realizes that he has no choice but to tell him the truth.  
"You know, in my own country, I'm an Emperor! I know people! Big people! If I was still Emperor, I'd have you skinned by now!"  
Donald lowers his stance, causing the dark clouds and giant scythe to dissipate. Though his attention is had, he remains skeptical. "Oh really."  
"Yeah," the llama confirms. He continues. "But then that hag threw me out. She got pissed over me firing her for suspected treason and for being an ugly old bitch, so she had this other bitch turn me into a llama and had me banished here. Now I'm reduced to the status of a llama peasant."  
Donald quickly mulls over the situation, but decides that helping smelly llamas is not his top priority right now. "Yeah, um, sorry. Can't help you. I gotta go now."  
The llama sighs with dejection. "You're just like the rest o' them. I ain't gonna tell you about Kuzcotopia then."  
Donald's attention is truly had now. "Kuzco-what?"  
"I thought that might've got your attention. It was gonna be a birthday gift to me before I got kicked out. All I wanna do is build Kuzcotopia over this dumpy peasant village. Swimming pools, pancake houses, you name it."  
Donald observes his surroundings and has to agree that the village is somewhat lacking in the hygiene area. "Well, this place does smell like manure..."  
The llama points over to the mountains in the horizon. "My palace is way over there behind us."  
Donald looks over to the golden palace in the mountains. Some evil-sounding brass music plays in the background as Donald observes the changes that have been made; Mercedes-Benz logos have tooken the place of the Kuzco emblems on the flags, and an ominous, crackling thunderstorm looms directly over the once-shining palace. Donald squints his eyes in disdain as the music ends. "Mercedes-Benz," he whispers grudgingly.  
The llama desperately grabs Donald's shirt with both front hooves. "You gotta help me out, buddy! I don't know what I'm gonna do!"  
Donald pries the llama's hooves off his person. "Well, what's in it for us?"  
The llama scratches his head in thought and comes up with the only thing he knows is worth working for. "Cash?"  
"That'll do. But I thought you were begging," Donald remarks.  
"Uh... yeah... just... yeah." The llama lowers his head, realizing he's been had. "_Damn. He sussed me,_" he thinks to himself.  
"_Ha! Sussed him,_" Donald thinks to himself proudly.  
As their conversation ends, the rest of the Gaang return to Donald's location, looking quite disappointed. Donald turns to relay what he's just learned. "Guys, I've got some bad news."  
"We've got bad news, too," says Sora. "Apparently, no one here's heard of Black Angus at all. These guys are obviously hicks." Sora turns to the llama and is disgusted to see that it's still alive. "And why isn't that demon llama dead yet?! I thought I told you you to kill it!"  
"Actually, no you didn't," corrects Goofy. "Donald asked if he-"  
"Don't mess with our group dynamics, Goofy!" Sora interrupts. "You're supposed to be the stupid one in our group! Now agree with me!"  
"Okay..."  
Donald redirects everyone's attention. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet... uh... um..." Donald turns to the llama. "Say, who are you, anyway?"  
"My name... is The Emperor Kuzco."  
A silence sets in as the Gaang lets that sink in. They then respond with a hysterical burst of derisive laughter.  
"Oh, that's rich!" says Sora, clutching his stomach. "You?! An emperor?!"  
Even Buzz can't help but chortle. "My politician meter is so low that it's in China by now!"  
"Yeah!" says Goofy. "Maybe we should call ya 'SL'! For 'Stinky Llama'!" Goofy laughs maniacally as the others seize their laughter and stare at him incredulously.  
"Yeah. Quiet, Goofy," says Donald.  
"Aww..."  
Having got that out of his system, Sora turns to Donald. "Now, what was it you wanted to say, Donald?"  
"Aw, nothing, it's just that... well... Mercedes-Benz happened."  
Donald points to the palace behind them, Mercedes-Benz logos and everything. Sora squints his eyes disdainfully. "Maleficent..."  
Buzz turns to Sora. "Sora, from here, we should head towards that palace. If we don't overthrow Maleficent soon, we'll be seeing people driving Mercedes-Benzes all over the place."  
"So that's her big plan?" Kuzco asks callously. "To sell cars?"  
"Yes," Donald confirms.  
"Those bastards!" says Kuzco hatefully. "Quick! Get me untied from this fence!"  
"Okey-dokey." Sora begins to untie the rope collaring Kuzco's neck. Just as Kuzco is freed, a deep voice shouts from afar.  
"Hey!! That's my new pet llama!! Get back here!!"  
The Gaang turns to find a portly peasant with a green poncho running towards them with a dented frying pan at hand.  
"Uh-oh! A hostile local!" says Sora hastily. "Buzz, quick, neutralize him!"  
"I'm on the case."  
Buzz points his built-in laser at the peasant's forehead and fires. The laser zaps through the peasant's head, knocking him backwards and causing him to fall to the ground. Buzz blows off his laser. "Shake n' bake," he says, trying to sound cool. Goofy approaches him.  
"Uh, Buzz. Didja forget to set your lasermajig from 'Kill' to 'Stun' again?"  
Buzz checks his laser settings. "Hmm... _Craters!!_ Why am I always doing that?!"  
"Never mind," says Sora. "Let's just get out of here before anyone thinks we did this."  
"Sure thing, Sora!" syas Goofy out loud. "No one would ever guess that we killed an innocent bystander and stole his pet llama!"  
Donald tugs at Goofy's shirt. "Hey, genius. Way to blow our cover."  
"Huh?"  
Goofy looks up to find half the village staring in shock at the Gaang and the dead peasant on the ground. Goofy's eyes shift frantically as he thinks of a solution. "Uhh... hrrm..." He decides to do the best thing he can think of and play stupid, pointing to a random person in the crowd. "Duuur! It was that guy over there! A-hyu-uck!"  
The Gaang and Kuzco run off as the village turns their attention to the hunched-over old man in blue that Goofy pointed to.  
"Hello, young people! Every year is getting shorter!"  
One of the villagers becomes angry, inspiring the hatred of the others. "So, you like killin' fat guys, huh? Well, we'll show you, old man!!"

While the villagers violently beat the old man senseless, Maleficent sits in the palace throne room that formely belonged to Kuzco. A three-legged sidetable with an empty teacup on it stands by her side, and the head of Yzma, Kuzco's former advisor, is mounted on the wall above Maleficent's throne. Yzma's former henchman, Kronk, approaches his new boss with a full teapot. "More tea, your Horniness?"  
"If you promise not to call me that again, yes."  
Maleficent holds out her empty teacup and allows Kronk to fill it, watching intently as he does. Upon fillage, Maleficent sets her teacup on the table upon the sight of a worried Kronk.  
"What's the matter with you, Kronk? You look like you're about to tell me something that I may or may not kill you for."  
"Well... it's just that... actually... well... you know that peasant we sold Kuzco to after we turned him into a llama?"  
Maleficent raises an eyebrow. "What of him?"  
"Well..." Kronk runs off-screen and pulls in a large, coin-operated magic mirror so that it's directly facing Maleficent. Kronk inserts a single nickel into the back slot, activating the magic mirror's powers. What Maleficent sees, to her unmeasurable outrage, is the green-ponchoed dead peasant lying on the ground with a hole in his head. There is also a few footprints on his person, indicating that one or two persons have already walked all over him.  
"How can this be?! I paid that filthy peasant top dollar to keep Kuzco secure and away from the nearest chance of overthrowing me!"  
"If I thought a rubber band and pocket lint was top dollar, I'd agree with you," Kronk remarks.  
"Silence, Kronk! Show me where Kuzco is now!"  
Kronk bends over and turns a dial below the magic mirror's glass. The channel changes to show Maleficent the image of Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Buzz, all riding on Kuzco's back as he strains to slowly walk across the jungle towards the palace.  
"It's those pesky Mercedes-Benz-haters! They're here! This is all your fault, Kronk!"  
In a fit of rage, Maleficent tosses her full teacup, still scalding hot, right into Kronk's face, causing him to scream and recoil in pain.  
"I didn't even do anything!" he yells.  
"Shut up! As the main villain besides that wretched King Mickey, it's my policy to do harm to anyone who brings me bad news! That includes you, you filthy monkey person! I never liked your spinach puffs anyhow!"  
Kronk walks off with head down low, dripping with hot tea and fighting back tears.  
"It's time I took matters in my own hands," Maleficent declares. "Pete!"  
Maleficent snaps her fingers, summoning her loyal henchman Pete. He jogs slowly into the room, huffing and puffing under the pressure of having to run more than fifty feet. As the horribly out-of-shape Pete reaches Maleficent's side, he bends over, gasping for air. "Yes, Maleficent?" he wheezes pathetically.  
"Pete, now is the time to show those impudent fools what Maleficent's Army is really made of. Sora and his underlings have made fun of Mercedes-Benz... for the last... time..."  
The evil brass tune in the background starts up again, which only serves to annoy Maleficent. "Will someone turn that infernal racket off?!"  
The music quickly slows to a halt. Maleficent grins to herself contently.  
"That's better."

Meanwhile, in the thick jungle, Kuzco continues to bear the weight of his comrades sitting on his back, wheezing and sweating under the pressure. Donald spanks Kuzco's hind, forcing him to continue the trek. "C'mon, Kuzco. A lot less dying and a lot more walking."  
"Gimme a break, guys!" Kuzco gasps. "I've got low blood sugar! I don't deserve this! What did I do to deserve this?! Well, maybe I did raid a few villages, eat a few orphans, kick a few puppies, drunkinate a few Inuit teenagers, sentence some grandpa to an injection, toss an old guy out of a ten-story window, shoot a peasant girl in the gut, take pictures of her bleeding body and send the said pictures to her family in an attempt to drive them insane, but I _still_ don't deserve this!"  
Buzz observes a meter on his person. "Well, according to my personal 'Deservination Meter', your level of deserving this is so high that it cannot be measured in human numbers. It _can_be measured in Uranian numbers though, but that's not much help at all."  
"What's your name?" Kuzco asks.  
"Buzz Lightyear."  
"Okay. Buzz Lightyear, _shut up!_"  
Donald pokes at Buzz's helmet. "Everybody, look over here!"  
Donald points forward at a large, wooden building displaying a cutout of an aproned man holding a tray with a steaming lobster on it. Under the cutout is a red text that roughly translates to 'Mudka's Meat Hut'. With the strong possibility that this is a restaurant, Sora hops off Kuzco and runs toward the establishment with a look of sheer joy on his face.  
"Yes! Food! Nourishment! Life! And it's all mine! Mine! All mine!"  
"Hope that place is insured," Buzz mutters with a hint of worry.  
"Who cares about that?" says Donald. "I wanna eat some _real _food for once. Do you know what it's like eating almost nothing but undercooked turducken at The King Mickey's? 'Montezuma's Revenge' is on my daily scehedule, for Pete's sake!"  
Pete sticks his head out of one of the restaurant windows. "My name's Pete!"  
"Get back in here, you fool!" Maleficent reprimands from inside the establishment.  
"Yes, mommy..." Pete returns to the confines of the restaurant before _almost_ anyone can notice. Buzz turns to Goofy. "Did you hear something?"  
"Duh, nope."  
"Of course you didn't. Let's go in."  
As the rest of the Gaang approach the restaurant door, they see a sign depicting a black llama drawing with a red "no" symbol over it. Buzz turns to Kuzco as he catches up. "Oh, we're sorry, Kuzco, but according to this sign over here, this is a _white_ man's restaurant, so llamas aren't allowed into this establishment."  
"They can't do that!" Kuzco shouts defiantly. "I've got equal rights!"  
"Equal but separate, Kuzco. You want someone to rant to, Jeffy the Trash Can is more than happy to listen."  
Buzz points to the left corner of the restaurant, where a rubbish-filled, fly-infested trash can sits. Kuzco, defeated, trods over there to share his woes with the inanimate object. Donald and Goofy take this time to tease Kuzco a little before entering.  
"You two have fun!" taunts Donald, blowing a kiss.  
"Kiss n' make up now! A-hyuck!" Goofy slams the door behind them, leaving Kuzco and Jeffy alone together.

Inside the restaurant, Sora has already taken his seat at a booth and has his face in an open menu. Unbeknownst to him or the others, Maleficent and Pete are also in a booth behind him, their faces concealed by menus as to protect their identities from the heroes. As Donald, Goofy, and Buzz take their seats, Hades, wearing a greasy and suspiciously bloodied apron and holding a notepad and pencil, approaches the group to take their orders.  
"Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the Big Stinkin' Pile of Meat, since no one else would give it a home. How can I pleasure your lovely stomachs today?"  
Goofy points to his selection in the menu. "Yeah, um, I'll have the Royal Marine meat pie with a side o'..." Goofy suddenly recognizes Hades. He bolts up and points to him. "Wait a minute. I know you! You're with Male-"  
Buzz quickly covers Goofy's mouth before he can finish his accusation and leans into his ear. "Listen, you. You wanna start another riot? Then shut your yaphole."  
Donald decides what he'll have and turns to Hades. "I'll have the Cajun turducken, well done and extra seasoning, and a Salisbury steak-flavored milkshake."  
Sora raises his hand. "And I'll just have a cheeseburger and some beef fries."  
"I don't eat, if that's okay with you," Buzz tells Hades.  
"The gift of life is wasted on you," says Hades to Buzz with deadpan pity. He snaps his fingers, and in an instant, the food that the Gaang ordered magically appears in front of them. The group gasp and wow with amazement as Hades hastily moves away from them.

Hades enters the chef's quarters, where a green-eyed Cloud sits gnawing on a human femur. The disemboweled body of the original chef lies right next to him. "Hey, pretty boy. Some extra snacks just walked through the front door. Why don't you make yourself useful and get rid of 'em?"  
Cloud, in his Sephiroth form, hisses with disdain. "Sneaky little Keybearerses! They want to kill the precious Mercedes-Benzes!"  
His eyes return to their natural blue color, signifying Cloud's return. "No, not Sora."  
Sephiroth takes over and his eyes once more turn green. "The Keybearer is a harbringer of lieses! They kick you in the privateses and the shinses!"  
"But Sora's my friend!" Cloud whines.  
"You don't have any friends!! You're also adopted!" Sephiroth rebukes.  
Cloud covers his ears. "I'm not listening to this! Lalalalalalalalalala!"  
Sephiroth giggles maniacally as this display of weakness. "Mweeheeheeheeheehee!! Kill the Keybearer! Mweeheeheeheeheehee!"  
Hades is quite weirded-out by Cloud's apparent dissociative identidy disorder. "Okaaay... I'll come back when you're not acting like a freak."  
Hades uneasily leaves the chef's quarters and locks the door behind him, leaving Cloud to giggle to himself like a madman.

Meanwhile, at the Gaang's booth, Donald flaunts his disgusting meat-filled milkshake. "My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard, and they're like 'It's better than mine!' Damn right, it's better than theirs!"  
"Can you teach me?" Goofy asks.  
"I'll have to charge."  
A long straw sticks itself into Donald's milkshake, which then begins to slowly drain. When Donald notices this, he finds that Sora is drinking his milkshake. "_Hey!_"  
"I... drink... your... _milk_shake!" Sora takes another sip of Donald's milkshake. "I _drink it up!_"  
"Unrelenting pop-culture references aren't inherently funny, you know," Buzz frankly remarks.  
"Shut up, Buzz," replies Sora.  
Buzz looks down in dismay, unable to understand why everyone wants him to shut up lately.  
In the booth behind them, Maleficent and Pete continue to skim through their menus. Maleficent looks slightly disgusted. "Is there anything in this infernal restaurant that isn't made out of meat?!"  
"C'mon, Maleficent!" says Pete. "Whaddya expect them to serve in a place called 'Mudka's Meat Hut'? Tuna?"  
Maleficent angrily raises her fists into the air. "_Quiet_, you multi-chinned moron! You two-ton twit! Go to the chef's quarters and tell Cloud to find something that isn't meat while I come up with more alliterative obesity-related insults!"  
"But Maleficent, isn't Hades the one who makes the food?"  
"Just _go!!_"  
Frightened, Pete rushes to the front door rather than the chef's quarters like Maleficent requested, and slams the door behind him.

As Pete catches his breath outside the restaurant, the sound of speech coming from around the restaurant corner rings in Pete's ear. He goes to investigate the matter and finds Kuzco talking to Jeffy the Trash Can.  
"And so I hope that llamas will one day live in an empire where they will not be judged by the color of their species but by the content of their character."  
Pete hides behind the corner, contemplating what to do about the current scenario. "A demon llama. Those things sell big in the intergalactic market. If I can catch this lil' guy and sell it to some shady missionary, Maleficent will get me a promotion for sure! And that means she'll stop kicking me in sensitive areas!" Pete is overcome with joy. "Oh boy! She'll be so happy!"  
Pete runs back around the corner and pounds Kuzco on the head before he has a chance to know what's going on, rendering him unconscious. Pete then grabs him by the hind legs and starts dragging his body away from the restaurant and towards the palace, leaving a noticeable trail in the dirt.

In the restaurant, Goofy's ears vibrate as a sound hits his ears. "Guys, this may sound weird, but did anybody else hear something like a llama being dragged along the ground by an impossibly fat guy?"  
Sora shrugs. "Not me. You must be hearing things."  
"If we didn't hear it, then it doesn't exist," says Donald. "You're obviously hearing things."  
Buzz checks his personal meters. "Come to think of it, my conveniently-present Sound-O-Meter did pick up something fishy. And according to my Llama-Radar, Kuzco's moving away from this establishment. We'd better investigate just to be sure."  
"How is it that you always have something that advances the plot like that?!" Sora asks incredulously, unable to believe that Buzz can be this well-equipped. "Are you like a living plot device or something?"  
"Didn't I tell you? I'm a certified Space Ranger _and_ Plot Device. And now to do my contribution to society. Be back in a minute."  
Buzz gets out of his seat and exits the restaurant, leaving Sora, Donald, and Goofy alone. Sora decides to take the matter to the other Gaang members. "No seriously. How is it that Buzz always has something on him that advances the plot?"  
"Well, ya gotta admit, Sora," says Goofy. "This would be a very slow fan-fiction without him."  
"I thought you couldn't break the fourth wall, Goofy," remarks Donald.  
Goofy raises his pointer finger confidently. "That's what you get when you get rid of Scrooge, Donald."  
"But-"  
Goofy points down on Donald, now that he has the brainpower to do so. "Shut up, Donald!"  
"Aww..."  
Before Donald can feel sorry for himself for letting Goofy get the better of him for once, Buzz busts into the restaurant, looking quite panicked. "Guys, Kuzco's gone!"  
Sora stands up confoundedly. "What?! I thought we told him to talk to a trash can! How can he leave?!"  
"My guess is that he was kidnapped by that fat guy I heard earlier," Goofy deduces.  
Donald squints his eyes begrudgingly, realizing who they're talking about. "Pete..."  
"Pete?" Goofy parrots.  
"_Yes_, Pete!! Did you all lose your _hearing_ along with your stupidity?! Now let's go get that llama!"  
Donald's infuriated quacking catches Maleficent's attention. "Did I hear someone say that Pete kidnapped a talking llama?"  
Donald realizes that his short temper has become the Gaang's undoing this time. "Uh... guys, let's get outta here!"  
The Gaang rushes out of the restaurant as Hades approaches Maleficent. "Those twerps didn't pay for their food, your Horniness. Should I get rid o' them?"  
"That won't be necessary, Hades. I've got something else in mind. Cloud! Sephiroth!"  
Sephiroth, in Cloud's body, busts out of the chef's quarters and approaches Maleficent, hunched-over. "Yes, master?"  
"Keybearers. Chase. Mutilation. Now."  
"Your wish is my command, your Horniness!! I'll shower doom right into their eyes!!" Cloud screams like a maniac as he defenestrates out of the restaurant window on all fours. Maleficent slaps her face in embarassment.  
"I'm surrounded by incompetants."

Meanwhile, at the edge of the jungle, Pete runs across a rickety old bridge with Kuzco at tow. Upon crossing it, he sees the Gaang catching up to him on the other side. In response, he pulls out the pegs that hold his side of the bridge up, causing the bridge to collapse. The Gaang stop in their tracks before they can fall down the cliff before them. Pete sticks his tongue and hops around in place mockingly.  
"Nyah nyah! You bugs couldn't hit me with a clothespin! You'll never stop me from selling this here llama and getting myself a promotion! Later, losers!"  
Pete, confident that he has won, turns around, bends over and pulls his pants down, giving the Gaang the less-than-pleasant view of his bare buttocks. The sight causes Sora, Donald, and Goofy to cover their mouths and retch. However, Buzz does not hesitate to throw up in his helmet, despite the fact that he has no digestive system to speak of. Pete pulls his pants back up and runs off towards the palace, leaving the bewildered Gaang to fend for themselves against the incoming Cloud.  
"I wish I could think of a way to forget what I just saw," remarks Sora queasily. "But right now we need to get to the palace. Buzz, any suggestions?"  
"Don't worry, Sora," says Buzz, his personal "windshield wipers" rubbing away the contents of his non-existent stomach. "I can fly us across this chasm. Everyone, hold my hands!"  
Donald tries to intervene. "But Buzz, you can't-"  
"_NOW!!_"  
Sora holds on to Buzz's right hand while Goofy holds his left; Donald holds on to Goofy's free hand. They run alongside Buzz as he runs towards the chasm, his plastic wings drawn out. "To infinity... _AND BEYOOOOOND!!_"  
Buzz leaps off the cliff edge, only to plummet down towards the shark and crocodile-infested river of lava below, taking the other three Gaang members with him. Goofy and Donald scream for their lives, which quickly wears on Sora's nerves.  
"Everybody shut up! Buzz, use your magical Plot Device powers to get us out of here!"  
"I'm on it, I'm on it!"  
Buzz presses a blue button on his arm, which causes the Gaang to disappear in a flash of white light just inches over the river of lava. Cloud, who dove after them, isn't so lucky, and lands smack-dab into it, igniting his body just enough for the sharks and crocodiles to eat it. Cloud's and Sephiroth's souls leave the charred and half-eaten corpse. Sephiroth snarls hatefully.  
"Tricksters! _Filthy Keybearerses!_ We _hates_ them! We hates them... _forever!_"  
Cloud, however, has had about enough of Sephiroth's attitude. "Oh, just... shut up!"  
The souls of Cloud and Sephiroth dissipate as they go to haunt the mansion of some pesky plumber.

Meanwhile, the Gaang appear in a bright flash in the lower level of Kuzco's palace. It appears to be a lab-like area filled to the brim with potions labeled with different animal silhouettes.  
"Perfect!" says Buzz. "My handy-dandy 'Warp the Gaang to Kuzco's Lab Button' works like a charm!"  
Sora slowly turns to Buzz, trying not to yell at him. "Um... could you tell us why you didn't use that earlier?"  
"Hey. We need to fill up an entire chapter, don't we?"  
Sora calms down, realizing that Buzz is right. "Good point and well made. Now let's see if the antidote's in one of these shelves."  
Sora runs over to a random shelf and begins tossing potions one by one behind him, each one exploding in a small pink cloud upon impact with the ground. Buzz approaches Sora unapprovingly.  
"How do you expect to find an antidote, let alone any kind of potion, if you don't even look at them?"  
A potion hits Buzz, obscuring him in a sparkling explosion. When the smoke clears, it is revealed that Buzz has been turned into a snail.  
"I've been turned into a snail. My life's now complete."  
Goofy hops over to where Buzz was, waving his arms eagerly. "Me next! Me next!"  
A potion hits Goofy, also turning him into a snail. Donald takes Sora's side and observes the shelf. "Isn't there any other potions besides 'snail'?"  
Sora and Donald look up to find that the shelf is labelled 'Snail Potions' on the top. Angered, Sora pushes over the shelf, causing it to land on Donald. Amidst the crash and pink sparkly smoke, Sora lowers his head in defeat.  
"It's over, guys. How am I supposed to find anything in this mess?"  
An all-too-familiar Scottish-accented voice rings out from the darkness. "Looking for... this?"  
From out of the shadows, Scrooge McDuck reveals himself, without a single piece of duct tape on his person. He is also holding up a human-labelled potion between his fingers, looking unusually evil. Sora jumps back, unable to believe any of this.  
"Scrooge?! How did you get out of the Gummi Ship?! And where's your duct tape?!"  
"Simple, my teenage companion," replies Scrooge. "I was a skilled escape artist in my youth, and I used this prowess to escape your petty precautions and take control of this palace while Maleficent was away trying to dispose of you!"  
Sora holds his head in utter confusion, unable to comprehend what has happened. "But why did you do all that?! And how?! The Scrooge I remember was hopelessly senile!"  
"Come, now! I'm an eccentric billionaire! If I had a reason for everything I did, I'd be crazy!"  
"You already are crazy, Scrooge," Sora says bluntly.  
"_Silence!!_ Now you shall see why they truly call me 'The Stupendous Green Elephant'! Prepare to moon the-"  
A deep battle cry erupts from the other side of the darkness. Suddenly, Pete, still carrying Kuzco, charges out of the darkness and punches Scrooge across the face, knocking him out. Scrooge, however, continues to grasp the human potion tightly.  
"Shut yer yappin', old man!" barks Pete. "This fanfic's long enough as it is, see?!" Pete turns to Sora. "You! I just spared you an unnecessarily long boss fight, and now you should do me a favor!"  
Sora, while taken a little aback by this sudden intrusion, decides to give in to Pete's demand, if only because he shut Scrooge up. "Alright. What kind of favor?"  
"Oh, I dunno. I was thinkin' along the lines of... letting us have this palace in return for me not killin' ya."  
Sora mulls this over. He concludes that he has no use for the palace, so it wouldn't hurt anybody if he gave it away. Besides, it would spare his life if he did. "Hmm... good enough. And as a bonus, we'll let you do what you want with Kuzco there." Sora then remembers the state of his snailified comrades. "Oh, and about my friends..."  
"Don't push your luck, kid! I don't care about your stupid friends anyhow! Just git outta here before I change my mind."  
"Okay, sorry to have bothered you," Sora sighs in disappointment. He picks up Scrooge and the Buzz, Goofy, and Donald snails and prepares to leave.  
"And by the way," adds Pete. "If you're still lookin' for that antidote, it's not here. Now you'd better skedaddle before Maleficent finds you here. I'm gonna get a big promotion, see?"  
"Proud day for you and your families... if you had any," says Sora. "Uh, how do I get out of here?"  
"Up the stairs and to the left. Just follow the signs."  
"Thank you."  
Sora runs up the stairs, leaving Pete and Kuzco alone in the lab. Pete is then startled by the appearance of a dark portal behind him, out of which Maleficent emerges.  
"All this crashing and smashing, what just happened here?!"  
Pete holds Kuzco up by the leg, showing him to Maleficent. "Look, Maleficent! I got me a demon llama! We can sell this freak for big bucks, and make a bundle for Mercedes-Benz!"  
"Indeed!" says Maleficent, delighted by the monetary prospect. "This will prove helpful for our advertising campaign."  
"So that means I'm finally getting that big promotion, huh?" says Pete eagerly.  
"Promotion?! What for?! You should've captured Sora and his idiotic friends!"  
Pete scrambles to defend himself. "Bububut... but..."  
Maleficent tosses Pete a mop and a bucket of water and approaches a lever on the wall. "I'm demoting you to 'Dungeon Mopper, Third Class'. Now go and mop up that dungeon!"  
Maleficent pulls down the lever, opening a trap door underneath Pete, who falls into the dungeon. As Pete yells his way down the door, Maleficent pinches the skin between her eyes in annoyance. "Mercedes-Benz is never going to fall for this one."  
Kuzco begins to awaken before Maleficent's feet. He is still groggy. "Who-who-who am I? Why am I here? Are... are you my mommy?"  
Maleficent, realizing that Kuzco has lost his memory, remembers what she always does in situations like these and puts it into action. "Why... of course I'm your mother... Pete."


	14. Episode 14: Governator Salvation

Sora pilots the Gummi Ship across the universe with Donald, Goofy and Buzz, having been turned into snails due to their last adventure, resting on his head. Scrooge locked in the Gummi Ship's broom closet.  
"So what's our next plan of action, our fearless leader?" asks Buzz.  
"Well, I certainly can't take on The King Mickey with a bunch of snails for partners, can I?" remarks Sora. "I'll have to go back to Merlin's and change you all back to normal."  
"Can we get something to eat real quick?" Scrooge asks from inside the broom closet. "Strawberry melonade would be loverly!"  
"Quiet, Scrooge!" shouts Sora. "You're in a time-out, remember? No eating for a month."  
Scrooge, however, continues rambling. "Jello puddin' pops rake my-"  
Everyone turns to the broom closet. "**BE QUIET!!!**"

The Gummi Ship enters Radiant Garden's atmosphere and lands next to Merlin's Place. As Sora and the Gaang (minus Scrooge) exit their ship, some loud strangling noises can be heard from inside the house. Sora slowly approaches the door and creaks it open to find that Leon, thankfully back to normal, is strangling a beat-up Merlin, also back to normal. The rest of Merlin's cult is huddled over to a corner, unwilling to get into this situation.  
"You crazy old man!!" Leon yells as he continues strangling Merlin. "How are we supposed to go against The King Mickey without them?! Huh?!"  
"Squall, please!" Merlin manages to wheeze. "Strangling the coolest magician in the world is against Rule #3.14 in McGonagle's Guideli-"  
"Oh, shut up!!" interrupts Leon. He pauses his strangling to see Sora approaching the two of them. Sora is significantly uneased by Leon's angered expression.  
"Oh... hi... um..."  
Leon, however, is not in the conversational mood and attempts to shoo him away. "Get out of here! And don't come back in until you hear a sick cracking noise!"  
"Hey, chill out!" says Sora, taken aback by Leon's repellant behavior. "I just wanted to see if Merlin could change my friends back! Is that okay with you, Merlin?"  
"Of course, my boy!" gasps Merlin. "Anything to aid a fellow weapon of mass helping people! Now if Leon could just stop crushing my esophagus, I might be able to work something out!"  
Sora turns to Leon and points to the ground, signifying Leon to release his grip on Merlin. "Oh, alright," Leon mutters reluctantly.  
As promised, he lets go of Merlin's neck, allowing Merlin to dust himself off and ready his wand. "Now then... ahem... _Persona del caracol!_"  
Merlin flicks his wand and zaps the snails on Sora's head with a sky-blue lightning bolt. The snails transform back into Donald, Goofy, and Buzz, and their combined weight results in Sora collapsing onto the ground.  
"I can't feel my appendix," groans Sora.  
"Just walk it off, Sora," says Leon. "It'll be all right. I hope."  
"Listen up, everyone," Merlin says authoritively. "Now that I've restored your friends, Sora, I need you to do me a favor."  
"Why is it that everyone around me wants me to solve their problems?" Sora asks himself.  
Merlin ignores Sora's self-inquiry and continues. "We've been trying to obtain new recruits for our cult in preparation for battling that dreaded The King Mickey. However, we are unable to recruit Pooh Bear and his friends because you murdered them."  
"Happy to be of service, Merlin," says Buzz, sarcastically taking a bow.  
"Yes, you're welcome, Buzz," replies Merlin. "Now be quiet."  
"Well, how do we git 'em back, Merlin?" asks Goofy. "Get some magic dragon to-"  
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do!" interrupts Merlin. "I'm going to send you lot back in time to when the _Winnie-the-Pooh_ book was first written, and I'm going to have you deliver it to me personally!"  
"That sounds like a plan and all," Buzz says. "But wouldn't that sort of destroy the space-time continuum a little?"  
"Well, sure, it may cause a time paradox or two, but when has that ever got in the way of mass helping people? Besides that time I royally messed up the carving of Mount Rushmore? But personally, I say having my head up there instead of George Washington's isn't so bad."  
Goofy is still unsure about this. "I dunno, Merlin. It really doesn't seem right messin' with the natural order of things. Are you sure it's even legal?"  
"In some dimensions, depends on what you mean by legal." Merlin whips his wand around dramatically. "But back to business! We need some fresh new recruits and we need them now! My boy, prepare for some major time-warping, and I don't mean dancing! _Edobeap retsim!_"  
Donald tries to convince Merlin to give him some time. "Wait, I haven't mentally pre-"  
Before he can finish, Merlin flicks his wand and zaps the Gaang with a pink lightning bolt, causing them to disappear in a bright flash. A black soot mark on the floor has taken their place. Merlin blows off the tip of his wand. "So, who wants eggnog?"  
However, before anyone can get out of the corner, the door bursts open, marking the entrance of Scrooge McDuck. "Heeere's Ducky!"

The time is 1607 in eastmost Virginia, and a British ship has parked itself on the shore. A sizable amount of British settlers have already unboarded the ship, along with their leader, The Governator Ratcliffe, and his manservant Wiggins. Both of them take their time to observe the immediate area.  
"Virginia is a tickle of joy on the British belly of the universe," The Governator Ratcliffe states. "It must be scratched. Right, Wiggins?"  
"Yes, my lord!" replies Wiggins, cheerfully saluting.  
"_WHAAAT?!?!_" The Governator Ratcliffe strangles Wiggins with one hand. "We Britains only take '_no_' for an answer!! Is that understood, Wiggins?!"  
"No, my lord!" Wiggins gasps through The Governator Ratcliffe's grip.  
The Governator, calming down, lets go of Wiggins' neck, dropping him down on the ground. "That's better. Are the men all accounted for?"  
"No, my lord," Wiggins correctly responds.  
"The lamp oil?"  
"No."  
"The rope?"  
"No."  
"The bombs?"  
"No."  
"Guard pugs?"  
"No."  
"Digging materials?"  
"No."  
"Splendid! Now to unleash a hideous, horrible nightmare upon-"  
Suddenly, a middle-aged, black-haired Scottish man with a ponytail, Ben, leaps past The Governator Ratcliffe, wielding a cutlass and swinging it wildly. "Aye aye! Nose nose! Throat throat! Ablast, me heartlies! And shiver me tokus!"  
The Governator Ratcliffe is quite annoyed by this particular settler. "For the last time, Benjamin, we are settlers, not pirates! If you're going to continue with this nonsense, then take it out on the local forest animals or something. It's about time we got some fresh food anyhow."  
"Aye aye! Nose nose! Throat throat!" Ben runs off into the forest to do some damage. The Governator Ratcliffe turns to Wiggins.  
"Wiggins, remind me to bludgeon Benjamin repeatedly over the head when he gets back."  
"No, my lord."  
A shotgun blast is heard close-by, followed by an anguished scream. "Gaaah!! My kidneys... and lymph nodes!!"  
The Governator Ratcliffe and Wiggins rush over to the area where the blast came from to find a settler lying on the ground clutching his stomach area and bleeding profusely. The person who dealt the blast, a balding, bespectacled settler, named Dick, is standing nervously by him, and now standing face to face with an irate The Governator.  
"What... is the meaning... of _this?!_" The Governator asks furiously.  
"I'm... I'm sorry, Sir!" stutters Dick. "I thought he was a quail!"  
"There's no room for excuses here, Dick," says The Governator Ratcliffe, prodding Dick's chest. "I have the right mind to snatch that gun away from you and shoot out all your vital organs in alphabetical order!"  
"But... But I..."  
The Governator Ratcliffe grabs Dick by the shirt and stares him down threateningly. "Mark my words, Dick. If you don't learn to master that weapon before we conquer this land, may your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson be cursed _ten_fold! Do you understand?"  
"Yes, The Governator," says Dick, not knowing any better.  
The Governator Ratcliffe snatches Dick's shotgun and shoots out both of his knees, leaving him helpless and groaning on the ground. The Governator Ratcliffe then chucks Dick's gun down in front of him. "You're a disappointment to me and all that is British. Learn to master this weapon... or else."  
"N-No, The Governator."  
"That's more like it," The Governator Ratcliffe turns and walks toward his ship. "Now to tend to my cactuses. We might run into some Inuit teenagers here."

Meanwhile, in the middle of the native Powhatan village, the local villagers go about with their daily activities, but are soon interrupted by a pink lightning bolt that strikes a rather serious and stoic-looking native. A split-second later, Sora and the Gaang appear, standing on top of the steaming corpse, shocking and horrifying everyone around them. A terrible silence follows, followed by one of the natives pointing at the Gaang condemningly. "Mih dellik uoy! Sreredrum!"  
Sora, unable to speak the village's language, is unsure of how to properly reply. "Uh... thank you. It's nice to be in Vegas."  
Buzz turns to Sora. "Sora, I've got a feeling this isn't Vegas."  
"Of course it's Vegas, Buzz!" says Sora, quite sure of himself. "Why else would everyone be wearing those crazy outfits? Now enough talk. Let's find someone who can help us out." After a quick search of the area, Sora notices a wigwam with a strange, multi-colored smoke coming out of it. "That place looks perfectly healthy. Adventure!"  
Sora runs ahead of the Gaang, who follow him into the wigwam. Upon entering, they find an elderly, long-haired man, Kekata, sitting in front of a mystical fire. He looks up to the Gaang. "Emoclew, lpoep etiw."  
"Did... did you just tell me that emos were cool?" asks Sora, having misheard him.  
Kekata stands up and raises his hands. The Gaang experiences a sharp pain in their heads and go into violent convulsions. When the pain passes, The Gaang is left on their knees clutching their heads.  
"Ugh... what just happened?" says Sora weakly. "My head feels like I've been listening to Donald talk for three hours straight."  
"There," says Kekata, suddenly speaking English (at least from the Gaang's perspective). "Maybe now you'll be able to speak our language."  
Sora looks up to face Kekata, having gotten over the excruciating agony he just experienced. "What did you just do?!"  
"I just eliminated the language barrier using my own magical powers," Kekata explains. "They also allow me to see into the future and to break the fourth wall."  
Sora, not wanting to experience any more weirdness, decides to cut to the chase and get this level overwith. "That's really cool and all, but we're just here to get a certain book, so if you don't mind..."  
"I know what it is you've come for," proclaims Kekata. "But before I can let you have it, I need you to do something for us."  
"Alright, fine," grumbles Sora with increasing irritation. "What is it you want?"  
Kekata pulls out a pile of gray, sparkly dust from his robes and chucks it into the fire in front of him, causing the smoke to billow and turn trippy colors. Some figures appear in the smoke as Kekata speaks. "The white men came across the sea to bring us pain and misery. To sell us whiskey and take our gold, to enslave the young and destroy the old."  
"So what do you want us to do about it?" asks Sora, arousing Kekata's impatience  
"Ignorant child. Wipe them out! What else?"  
"Well, we could try to communicate with 'em," suggests the naturally pacifist Goofy. "Y'know, tell 'em that we mean no harm."  
"Don't be a twit!" Kekata rebukes. "Those milkfaces look different from us. What makes you think we can trust them? In fact, it's a mystery why I'm even talking to you! You sure don't look like one of us."  
"Now, we assure you, wise man," says Buzz hastily. "We may look weird to you, but I gurantee that we're not one of those same white people you're talking about. Why, I'll even go as far as to say that we would never kill anyone of your kind. On purpose."  
As if to contradict Buzz's statement, the chief of the Powhatan tribe, aptly-named Chief Powhatan, storms into the tent dragging the steaming body of the native the Gaang accidently killed earlier. He appears, putting it mildly, quite unhappy.  
"Like I said. Not on purpose," says Buzz, feeling a bit nervous.  
"What seems to be the problem here, my brother?" asks Kekata.  
"For the last time, I'm not your brother!" says Powhatan  
"What are you saying? Of course we're brothers! We even have the same singing voice! It says so in the credits at the end... of..." Kekata stops, realizing he is getting weird looks from the others. "Never mind. You were saying?"  
Powhatan points at the Gaang. "Those demons have struck down Kocoum and shamed our entire village!"  
"Well that's weird," says Donald. "I don't think we were supposed to shame the village until later."  
Powhatan continues, ignoring Donald. "Kocoum was supposed to marry my daughter and gift me with a beautiful grandchild, but now because of your whiteness, Kocoum is dead!"  
"We are very sorry for your loss, Mister Chieftain, sir," says Buzz, attempting to be of some consolation. "But if you can bring your daughter over here, we'll be more than willing to apologize."  
"Fine," says Powhatan reluctantly. "Just promise not to lay eggs in her stomach or whatever it is you whites do. Daughter!"  
Chief Powhatan steps aside to make way for his daughter, Pocahontas. Her appearance and dress are considerably similar to that of her film counterpart... except that her age has been reduced to 12 years old. While the Gaang have to give the author of this fanfiction credit for adhering to historical accuracy, they are nonetheless filled with a mixed feeling of confusion and disgust.  
Though it is quite an awkward situation they are experiencing at the moment, Buzz has to raise an objection here. "Uh, sir. Do you realize that your daughter is a 12-year-old girl and is therefore too young to have children?"  
"Don't be foolish!" says Powhatan. "My daughter is just the right age for bearing children. Isn't that right, dear?"  
"Can... Can I go home with you?" Pocahontas asks softly of the Gaang.  
Even Sora has to admit that something's screwy here, though he is somewhat more direct with things. "What kind of messed-up cult do you people run here?"  
"The same cult that's going to castrate you beyond recognition for insulting the perfectness of our perfect cult, that's what!" replies Powhatan, taking offense to Sora's remark. "Wait here! I'm getting my mallet!"  
Powhatan storms off to get his special castrating mallet, leaving the Gaang to shiver in fear for their manly prides.  
"I'm too young and sexy to be personally violated again!" says Sora, quickly regretting his past statement.  
Donald turns to Kekata, desperate for some kind of solution. "Hey, wise guy! Do something!"  
However, Kekata is not-so-conveniently in a trance at the moment and is chanting to himself dreamily. "La li lu le lo... La li lu le lo... La li lu le lo..."  
"Whadd'we do now?!" frantically asks Goofy.  
Sora recognizes that barbaric problems call for barbaric solutions. "Looks like it's time for Donald to do what he does best: setting things on fire! You up to it, Donald?"  
However, it would seem that Donald thought ahead and already has his staff raised up in the air. "Huh?"  
The top of the wigwam has been set ablaze and is now threatening to engulf the entire premise. Pieces of burning wood begin to fall around the Gaang. Sora sets his sights on Pocahontas, conjuring up an idea to avoid the impending mutilation of his manhood.

Chief Powhatan returns, carrying a large, wooden castrating mallet with spiked, metal ends, only to get a glimpse of Kekata's wigwam on fire and the Gaang escaping from it. Sora is carrying Pocahontas with one arm around her torso and one of the burning piece of wood up to her neck. Powhatan charges towards the Gaang, acting on his parental instincts. "Nooo!! Get away from her!"  
Sora turns toward Powhatan and inches the torch closer to Pocahontas' face. "Pummel me with that thing and it's curtains for your little heir!"  
Buzz is a little concerned about the morality of this plan. "Sora, this seems a little drastic, even for you."  
"Relax, Buzz," replies Sora. "This is called 'bartering'. I saw it on TV, so I figured it must be okay."  
Buzz can't help but nod pitifully at Sora's naive impressionability.  
"If you kill her, I'll kill you!" threatens Powhatan, tightening the grip on his castration mallet.  
"Oh yeah?! Well then if you kill me, then I'll... kill... you..." Sora sheepishly realizes that he hasn't thought this hostage plan through enough. "Wait, let me try that again."  
Powhatan, however, will have none of it. "_No!_ I knew you milkfaces couldn't be trusted, with your trimmed hair and your rubber faces and your... _shoes_..." Powhatan shivers queasily at that last word. "But no more! I'm going to clean this all up, and I'm starting with you! I hope you enjoy castration!"  
Goofy leans toward Sora. "Nice knowin' ya, pal."  
Donald, Goofy and Buzz run off in search of a good hiding place as Chief Powhatan lifts his mallet over his head and prepares to bash Sora's face in (because that's _definitely_ how castration works). Sora drops the torch and lifts Pocahontas up to his face in a futile attempt to protect himself. When the Chief finally swings down the mallet, Pocahontas is suddenly replaced with Scrooge McDuck, resulting in his face getting bashed in instead. Needless to say, Powhatan is dumbfounded by this strange occurence. "What?! What is this?! I had no plans on castrating some sort of... strange duck person just yet!"  
Scrooge, his face pummeled in by the mallet, muffles some jargon that probably wouldn't be any more intelligible if his face wasn't turned to mush.  
Sora is also surprised (and rather angered) by Scrooge's unscheduled appearance) "Scrooge! What did I say about warping reality for your own stupid reasons?! And how did you get here anyway?!"  
A rip in space-time suddenly appears between Sora and Powhatan as Scrooge's face fixes itself. An irate Merlin pokes his head through the hole and glares at Sora, making him quite uneasy. "Sora, I really quite cross with you and your friends! Your stupid old duck friend over there trashed up my house and felt up poor little Yuffie!"  
Yuffie can be heard sobbing behind Merlin. "I don't wanna... I don't wanna... I don't wanna..."  
Merlin momentarily turns his back on Sora to comfort Yuffie. "It's all right, Yuffie," he says softly. "Daddy will make it better." He turns back to Sora, resuming his previously angry disposition. "He's your problem now!"  
"Wait," says Powhatan before Merlin leaves. "What about my daughter? Where is she?"  
"Oh, I just sent her to another dimension. Hopefully the one with the excessively comfortable couches. If not that, she might by in the dimension with the excessively carnivorous couches that could disembowel her in seconds. I tend to get those two dimensions mixed up sometimes."  
"That's good to know. Just as long as she gets back in time for the next husband I find." Powhatan walks off, leaving Sora and Merlin to their business.  
"Now then," says Merlin. "Let's stop this nonsense and get back to obtaining that book that I sent you for. I mean, how else am I going to recruit more minions if you don't get to it?"  
"Ravioli pizza sandwiches!" Scrooge answers.  
"I'd agree with you if I didn't hate you, Scrooge," remarks Merlin. "But I don't and I do, so shut the blue blazes up! Oh, and by the way, the British are coming." Merlin retreats into the space-time rip and closes it.  
Sora drops Scrooge, wondering what Merlin was talking about. "British? What British?"  
To answer Sora's question, a small rumbling shakes the entire village. A few trees in the distance creak and plummet in front of Sora, catching the attention of the villagers. From out of the partially-fallen forest emerges The Governator Ratcliffe, Wiggins, and a large group of other miscellaneous settlers. Each and every one of them are armed with a musket.  
"Now don't panic. We're taking over this village," The Governator Ratcliffe announces.  
Ben leaps past The Governator Ratcliffe, swinging a scimitar with a dead raccoon impaled on it. "Aye! Ablast!"  
The natives of the village laugh at the settlers' outlandish claim. Donald, Goofy, and Buzz have also come out of their hiding place behind some bushes to laugh at them. However, Sora remains poker-faced and takes up a fighting stance with his Keyblade out. The Governator sneers at Ben for ruining his big entrance.  
"Okay, The Governator," says Sora. "You and Maleficent can have this village. We're just here to pick up a book, so don't do anything to tick us off."  
The Governator Ratcliffe is quite curious as to how the lad in front of him knows who he is. "I'm sorry, have we met? And who is this Maleficent character you speak of?"  
"Don't play dumb with us, The Governator!" rebukes Sora. "Scrooge is three times better at it, anyway. We all know what you want!"  
"Four large eggs?" guesses Scrooge.  
"No! They're here to get the whole village to buy Mercedes-Benzes and make Maleficent look good! Isn't that right, The Governator?"  
The Governator Ratcliffe is further confused by Sora's claims. "Am I supposed to believe that? We just came here to plunder, pillage, rape, sack, loot, and rape again this village and beat the gold out of their precious forest. We know nothing of this 'More seedy beans' business you're blathering about."  
Goofy, Donald and Buzz approach Sora, realizing what's going on here. Buzz is the first to speak. "Sora, these settlers haven't met Maleficent yet. They have no clue who she is. I believe you can use this opportunity to influence these settlers and keep them away from Maleficent."  
"You mean change the future?" says Goofy. "But Buzz, Merlin said changing the future was bad manners!"  
"Yeah!" agrees Donald. "Merlin will yell at us!"  
"He's _already_ yelled at us, hasn't he?" Sora brings up. "Besides, I'm only changing one little thing. Who's gonna know besides Merlin?" Sora waits for a response from the others and soon finds that they have no counter to his logic. "That's what I thought. Now, let me handle this."  
Sora steps forward and sticks his chest out for the settlers, raising his arms in a grandiose manner.  
"We have come from the future, o' primitive settler!" he says, trying to sound important. "We are extraterrestrials from the planet, uh... Tankian, and we have foreseen your terrible future! Wooooo!" Sora wiggles his arms in front of him in a really shallow attempt at inserting mystique into his performance.  
At least Wiggins is won over. "Oh, please, tell us, o' swami! What does our undoubtedly glorious future hold?"  
Sora thinks over how to put this in a hurry. "Umm... You will be visited by a, uh... demon... who will try to... I dunno, sell you cars?"  
"I not be sure what these 'cars' may be," says Ben suspiciously, "but they sound evil."  
"Exactly!" adds Goofy. "So just do what he tells ya to do and maybe Santa won't leave a lump o' coal for ya this Christmas!"  
Sora leans into Donald's ear. "Donald, remember to poison Goofy's next meal, okay?"  
"Already on my schedule, Sora," confirms Donald.  
Sora turns back to the settlers. "So yes, o' vicious but reasonable settlers! You will sign a peace treaty with these kind natives and you will trade goods with each other in hopes of securing a healthy relationship with each other."  
The Governator Ratcliffe scratches his head in confusion, as if the suggestion isn't processing. "Peace... treaty?"  
"I've never heard of such thing," says Wiggins, equally lost. "Is it delicious?"  
Sora is honestly surprised by their denseness. "You mean you've never heard of a peace treaty before?! Then how do you people solve all your fights without killing each other?!"  
"We don't," The Governator Ratcliffe and Wiggins answer in unison.  
Sora pinches the skin between his eyes, feeling a migraine coming on. "Oh, jeebus..."  
Sora grabs Buzz and bashes on a few buttons on his chest area. Needless to say, this is not okay with Buzz. "Hey, stop! What're you doing?! Those are my favorite buttons! I like to press on them, you know!"  
A sheet of paper prints itself out of a slot on Buzz's torso. Sora tears it out and hands it over to The Governator Ratcliffe for him to sign. "Here. Ignore all the technical mumbo-jumbo and just sign on the dotted line."  
"And sign it real big-like so we know that you mean it!" advises Goofy.  
Buzz tries to inform Sora of the truth. "Guys, that's not a treaty, that's a-"  
"My hands are too beautiful for signing such petty documents," The Governator Ratcliffe interrupts. "Wiggins, sign this... 'peace treaty' for me, please."  
Wiggins enthusiastically takes out a feather in an ink bottle. "No, my lord!"  
"And sign it really big, too," adds The Governator Ratcliffe, remembering Goofy's advice.  
"I love signing things really big!" says Wiggins gleefully. "Almost as much as I love flowers and unicorns!"  
The Governator Ratcliffe sighs. "Wiggins, the likelihood of you being straight is the same as that of Dick being able to aim his gun, the Earth being round like a sphere, and Joseph being able to maintain an erection."  
"That's a low blow, The Governator!" Joseph yells from the crowd.  
The Governator Ratcliffe turns to Dick. "Dick, I do believe I saw a quail. Why don't you go shoot it?"  
"No, sir." Dick aims his shotgun and fires into the crowd of settlers, hitting Joseph.  
"_MY INTESTINES!_" he screams in excruciating pain.  
The Governator thinks to himself. "Now where were we? Oh, yes. Wiggins, sign that paper for me, please."  
Buzz once more tries to tell them about the paper. "I'm telling you, that's not a-"  
"Can do, my lord!" interrupts Wiggins. "In fact, I'll sign it really slow as to add to the drama."  
The Governator Ratcliffe facepalms. "Wiggins, you're a fool."  
"Thank you, my lord."  
Wiggins removes the feather from the ink bottle and creeps it towards the sheet of paper. When the tension is at its peak, the sound of a familiar dark portal interrupts the action. In a bout of infuriation, The Governator Ratcliffe takes the paper and crumples it up, chucking it onto the ground afterward. "Who dares break up this tense moment?! Dick, give me your gun!"  
Dick walks over to The Governator Ratcliffe and hands him his shotgun. The Governator promptly snatches the gun away from him and blows off his head with it. "If his relatives ask, tell them the savages did it."  
Donald points to the sky. "Over there!"  
Accordingly, the settlers set their sights on the large dark portal that has appeared over the village and their heads. Three Mercedes Limousines fall from the portal and crash onto the settlers, killing all of them except The Governator Ratcliffe and Wiggins. Ben coughs and wheezes under the weight of a German Limo. "Tell me wife... she's fat."

Ben dies as another dark portal appears away from the carnage. Maleficent and Pete run out of the portal, with Pete out of breath as usual.  
"We must hurry, Pete! It's only a matter of time before those fools sign that dreaded peace treaty!"  
"I'm so exhausted... I could pee blood," Pete wheezes  
"Enough whining! Now stick to the job!"  
The Governator Ratcliffe stomps his way towards Maleficent and Pete, quite unhappy with this uninvited intrusion. Wiggins follows him close behind. "You there! Who are you and what are your names? I want to know so I can engrave them on your tombstones."  
Maleficent steps forward and sticks her chest out for The Governator, raising her arms in a grandiose manner. "We have come from the future, o' primitive settler!" she says, trying to sound important. "We are extraterrestrials from the planet Tankian, and we have foreseen your terrible future!"  
Sora and the Gaang catch up to The Governator. Sora is not pleased that Maleficent has stolen his bit. "That's not funny, guys! I already did that one!" Sora leans into The Governator's ear "Don't listen to them, The Governator. They're certified liars."  
"Now, I assure you, The Governator," says Maleficent. "We have come to recruit you for our acts of kindness, good deeds, and... uh..." Maleficent reads the words that she wrote on her hand for this occasion. "'_Ka-iring aboot thuh felines of othurs_.' Whatever that is."  
Buzz leans into The Governator's other ear. "They sit on thrones of lies. They have no grasp on the concept of truth."  
"Truth?" says Pete, unfamiliar with the word. "But I already went to the dentist last week to have some worms pulled out!"  
"Could you gentlemen please not be creepy?" asks Wiggins prudishly. "It ruins my naturally ginger hair."  
Donald leans into the ear that Sora previously whispered into. "If these people were any better liars, they could be Presidents of the United States."  
Scrooge leans into the opposite ear. "I want to whisper too."  
The Governator Ratcliffe shoos everyone off in an overwhelmed fit. "Will all of you shut up?! Everyone knows that I'm going to be the ruler of this land, and no savage is going to stop me!"  
Pete steps forward. "Hey, The Governator. You can rule this place if you join us."  
"Don't be foolish," The Governator responds. "I could conquer this land by myself."  
"But... we've got pie."  
"_Sold!_"  
"What?!" Sora steps in front of The Governator Ratcliffe, trying to reason with him. "But The Governator! They sell cars! Cars are bad! You can't do this!"  
The Governator, however, raises a hand, silencing Sora. "_Silence_, you stylishly-challenged teenager! As The Governator, I hereby declare this day to be 'Shut Up Day', in which you _shut up!_"  
"Aww..."  
The Governator Ratcliffe walks over to the side of Maleficent and Pete and turns to Wiggins as Maleficent whips up another dark portal. "Farewell, Wiggins! You were a failure of a man, but... well, let's leave it at that."  
"But sir! What if these savages take me hostage?"  
"Why, that's never been my problem, now has it?"  
Maleficent, Pete, and The Governator Ratcliffe disappear into the dark portal, which closes behind them, leaving everyone else behind. Buzz gives off an annoyed sigh. "Why didn't I see that coming?"  
Scrooge begins to rub Buzz's space helmet with both hands. "I like your head."  
The natives in the area set their sights on Wiggins, the only settler left in the immediate area, and approach him menacingly. Wiggins sweats profusely, gulps and tugs at his collar quite nervously. "So... anyone up for a rousing game of cricket?"  
The natives grab Wiggins and drag him away. As Wiggins struggles for his life, a book falls off his person and hits the ground. "No! Stop! You don't want to do this! I make a terrible meal! I don't look good in gravyyyyy!"  
Sora can only watch and shrug passively as the scent of boiling beezlenut oil fills the air. "Well, so much for the peace treaty."  
"Won't _anybody_ listen to me?!" says Buzz angrily. "That wasn't a peace treaty!"  
Sora walks over to the crumpled paper. "Then what was it?" He picks it up, uncrumples it, and looks at it.  
"That is a permission slip for me and my Star Command sector to go see _Santa Claus Conquers the Martians_ in widescreen Laserdisc," answers Buzz. "We're learning about how Santa Claus brings joy to war-mongering planets by bombing politicians' houses."  
"That's one messed-up club you joined, Buzz," remarks Donald.  
"Thank you, I think."  
Donald picks up the book Wiggins dropped off the ground. He discovers that the book is titled _Winnie-the-Pooh_, the book they originally came here for. "So Wiggins was the one who wrote this book?"  
"Makes sense," says Sora. "Only someone as fruity as him could've written a book with such annoying characters. I mean, why would he need _them_ for the fight against The King Mickey? It's like sending a crate full of kittens to compete in a bullfight."  
Scrooge begins to chuckle.  
"That's not funny, Scrooge," rebukes Sora. "Everyone knows that a crate full of puppies would put up a better fight. The bull would be insulted to go up against kittens. And the moral of this story is: I'm gonna get rid of this thing so that Merlin or anyone else doesn't know of its existence. Would you like to do the honors, Buzz?"  
Buzz sets his laser settings in preparation. "I was thinking the same thing, Sora. I'm setting this thing from 'Kill' to 'Toast'."  
"Oh boy, some burninating action!" says Sora enthusiactically. "You always were a fan of the classics, Buzz."  
Buzz presses a button on his arm, but instead of a red-hot laser, two pieces of toast burst out of the slot on Buzz's torso. Buzz takes the toast and rubs them on the ground, stumping Sora. "What the flock?"  
"Only I can say that!" replies Donald.  
Buzz puts the _Winnie-the-Pooh_ book in between the two dirty pieces of toast and hands it to Scrooge. "Here, Scrooge. Lunchtime."  
"But... it doesn't have too much mayo!" objects Scrooge.  
Sora takes out his Keyblade and points it at Scrooge threateningly. "_Eat it!!_"  
Scrooge reluctantly grabs the book sandwich and takes a loud bite out of it. Tears of misery stream down his face as he attempts to chew the combination of dirt-coated toast, mayo-less cardboard cover and acid-free paper. As the other Gaang members laugh at Scrooge's misfortune, another rip in space-time appears next to them. Merlin pokes his head out, even more irate than before.  
"You miserable messiahs!! You destined dimwits!! You... nincombots!! You've messed up the natural order!! Bad things are going to happen now that you've changed the past!!"  
Buzz checks his personal gadgets to make sure of this. "Well, according to my 'Alternate Timeline Databanks', the only things that have changed are Chevy Chase hosting _The Tonight Show_ and Thomas Jefferson's head on Mount Rushmore being replaced with Merlin's head. So things don't look that bad, really."  
Sora steps forward to lay down his decision. "Merlin, we don't need Winnie and the others to beat The King Mickey. What we need is-"  
"I don't care what you think!" Merlin interrupts. "You've devastated the future thanks to your bumbling, and now you're going to pay!! I hope you like being buzzard food!!"  
Merlin whips out his wand and flicks it at them, zapping the Gaang with a pink lightning bolt. The Gaang disappears in a bright flash.  
"Looks like you won't be changing the future for a long, long time," Merlin says ominously.  
"To be continued!" Cid shouts from behind, effectively ruining the suspenseful moment.  
"Shut up, Cid!"  
"Aww..."


	15. Episode 15: A Sound of Blunder

The setting is a so-dry-that-a-dehydrated-camel-drowning-in-fire-would-be-wetter desert. An unbearably hot sun beats down on everything unfortunate or suicidal enough to be below it, namely, in the case of the former, a lone Iguanodon, Aladar, strainfully crawling across the barren desert with a lemur family of four (consisting of Yar the maternal grandfather, Plio the mother, Zini the son, and Suri the daughter) lying lazily on its back. Zini sings deliriously in a weak and fatigued voice as the heat dulls his senses.  
"_I... some... times... feel... so... very, very... thrilled. I need some dirt... on my... nose._"  
At this point, Aladar is at wit's end. He stops crawling and begins to shake and sweat profusely. Well, _more _profusely, anyway. The sound of Zini's singing continues to grate on his ears.  
"_How it gets greasy... when my nose runs. How I'm so dry... Feeling so-_"  
"_SHUT UP!!!_" screams Aladar, unable to endure the situation any further. He violently pounds and thrashes on the ground, forcing the lemur family on top of him to hold on for dear life. "I can't _STAND_ it anymore!! All the time!! Singing! _Singing!!_ Why won't he stop?!"  
"Aladar, get a hold of yourself!" yells Yar. "It's not time to kill Zini yet! He is the key to saving our glorious though unrespected species!"  
"It's just not fair!!" complains Aladar, clawing at the sand in front of him. "Why can't I do it?! I'm a guy too, y'know!"  
Yar, especially at this time, is annoyed about having to explain it yet again. "Aladar, we already told you why you can't do it! You're too big, and I'm too crusty, and you know what they say about saving a species: the older you get, the less fun it is."  
"That's right," adds Plio, "and I'm too old for that kind of thing either, so that leaves only Zini and Suri to be our saviors. Besides, they're teenagers, so they'll be more than happy to do it, pardon the pun."  
Suri is unamused. "Kill me now."  
"Oh, come now, Suri," says Yar. "What's not to like about Zini? He's got both good looks and good manners."  
Yar turns to see Zini picking his nose, searching for gold. He gives off a belch and a fart in that order. Yar grimaces, rethinking that statement. "Well, at least he's got good looks." Yar turns his attention back to Aladar, who has been strangely silent lately. "C'mon, Aladar! Less lying around and more crawling! We gotta find ourselves a new home before we all starve to death. Aladar? Pay attention to me when I'm talking to you!"  
Yar looks down to find a motionless Aladar with his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth. He is unresponsive to all external stimuli.  
"He looks kind of dead," observes Suri.  
"No, Suri, he's not dead, he's just resting," assures Yar. He leans into Aladar's ear. "Isn't that right, Aladar?"  
No response comes from Aladar.  
"I'm pretty sure he's dead," says Plio.  
"Shut up, Plio!" shouts Yar, becoming more tense. "I'm the alpha male and I say he's alive and kickin'." Yar dismounts Aladar and begins kicking him. "C'mon, Aladar! Up n' at 'em."  
A grown fly crawls out of Aladar's nostril. Yar stubbornly pounds on Aladar's body, hoping to get some kind of reaction. One of Aladar's eyeballs is shoved out, making way for a whole swarm of flies. It's beyond reasonable doubt now: Aladar has kicked the bucket."  
"You lost the patient, doc," wisecracks Zini, driving the point home.  
Yar drops to his knees and stretches his arms into the sky dramatically. "_Nooooo!! _Aladar, you can't die on me! How am I supposed to not do anything?!"  
Plio dismounts Aladar and approaches her father. "Yar, Aladar's dead. There's no other way to get through this desert. We're going to have to... to..."  
Yar, knowing very well what Plio is going to suggest, is vehemently against it. "No, Plio! Don't say it!"  
"No lemur's ever gone through it and survived!" Suri adds.  
Zini lifts one foot up. "Think of my neatly-pedicured feet!" He begins gnawing on his toenails furiously.  
"There's no choice," says Plio grimly. "We're going to have to... _walk._"  
Everyone except Plio dissolves into crying, cursing at the sky and/or throwing a hissy fit on Aladar's corpse. Realizing that she is the only truly sane member of this family at this point, Plio sits up and prepares to take control of the situation. "All of you, _stop your whining!!_"  
Everyone stops at her command.  
"You're all behaving like children. Now, we're going to walk through this desert, and we're not going to let heat stroke or anything else get the best of us."  
Out of nowhere, a pink lightning bolt strikes just a few feet away from the front of Aladar's body. Zini shrieks uncontrollably and jumps into Yar's arms Scooby Doo-style. Where the lightning struck now stands the Gaang in the form of prehistoric creatures: Sora is a lemur like the ones now in front of him, Donald and Scrooge are Oviraptors, Goofy is an Ankylosaur, and Buzz is an ammonite.  
"Good. We scared the local residents," states Buzz. "That means things are running quite smoothly."  
"I'm pretty sure this won't help our foreign relationships in any way," remarks Sora.  
"We don't _have _foreign relationships, Sora," Donald informs. "Remember? The King Mickey?"  
"Oh yeah, that's right."  
It is now just about time for Scrooge to say yet another one of his wacky, nonsensical catchphrases. "Relationships are the moist towelettes of the merry carousel of life!"  
Sora considers the possibility that the heat is already getting to him. "Y'know, shockingly, there might've been some sense in there."  
Yar drops Zini and confronts the visitors. "You there! Who do you think you are just zapping yourselves here like that?! You could've killed one _more_ of our family!"  
Goofy gasps with amazement. "Well I'll be! It's a talking lemur!"  
"Shut up, Goofy," Donald retorts.  
"Aww..."  
"None of you are from around here, are ya?" deduces Yar.  
"No, we aren't," answers Sora. "We're from the Twenty-_First_ Century."  
Yar is mildly offended by this manner of talk. "I don't recall liking smart-mouths like you. Especially my grandson!"  
"I hate you too, grandpa," Zini replies.  
Yar continues. "So I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna kick your behind around this desert like there's no tomorrow, because for us, there won't _be_ a tomorrow! Any last words?"  
"Yeah," says Sora. "Where do we start digging for your IQ?"  
Yar has had as much as he can stand at this point. "All right, that's it! You've got me riled up now! Have at ya!" Yar performs a 360-degree turn in an apparent attempt to do a roundhouse kick. He ends up clutching his back, hunched over in pain. "Oh, man, my back! I think I snapped it."  
"Well that was a ripoff," sighs Donald.  
A noise that sounds like a bunch of footsteps begins to ring through the air, catching Zini's attention. "Do you guys hear something?"  
"You mean besides your annoying voice?" asks Sora sarcastically.  
"Ignoring you now. I mean that low, rumbling noise."  
"I'm pretty sure that's just your stomach," says Yar.  
Zini shrugs. "Meh, I'm sure that's just thunder."  
Buzz finds great fault in that conclusion. "Even though there's no clouds in the sky?"  
Zini attempts to defend himself to no avail. "Uh... well... you see... uh... well, you got me there. I'm an idiot."  
"I do believe you just told us what we already know," remarks Buzz.  
From the sandy fog of the desert emerges a large herd of dinosaurs, led by Kron (whom the Gaang has met before) and his assistant Bruton. None of them bother to stop for the blockade in front of them.  
"Make way for our glorious leader Kron the Magnifatory!" shouts Bruton. "Show your loyalty to the great Kron by kissing the ground his feet touches!"  
The Gaang moves out of the way the second Kron steps on Aladar's corpse. Every dinosaur behind him is now kissing the ground as they walk, soon forced to kiss the corpse Kron just stepped on. An oviraptor in the herd cries tears of joy. "Back in my day, we've never had such exquisite dirt and decaying flesh as this."  
A pachyrhinosaurus next to him rolls his eyes blandly. "Jordan, you're such a brown nose."  
When what looks like the entire herd has passed, two wizened and elderly dinosaurs, a Brachiosaurus named Baylene and a Styracosaurus named Eema, trot a considerable distance behind.  
"Why must we suck up to this miscreant anyhow?" asks Baylene. "This is worse than undignified."  
"Show some backbone and do what he says, Baylene," snaps back Eema. "Just watch me. I'm an expert at sucking up." Eema walks to Aladar's corpse and attempts to kiss it, but, having no lips to speak of, can only manage to rub her beak against it.  
Buzz turns to Baylene. "How long do you think it's going to take her to realize she doesn't have lips?"  
"Oh, about five minutes at the least. It took her seven to realize she couldn't walk upright."  
"Wow..."  
Yar climbs up onto Eema's back, followed by the rest of the lemurs (excluding Sora). Yar kicks at Eema's body as a cowboy would to a horse. "C'mon, you worthless beast of burden! You gotta walk us over to a new home! You expect us to do it ourselves?! _Giddyup!_"  
Eema groans and frustratedly starts walking. "Just what I need. A monkey on my back."  
The rest of the Gaang climbs onto Eema, who is now struggling to walk under their combined weight. "Got room for five more?" asks Sora.  
"Sure?! Why not?!" Eema manages to wheeze. "It's not like I need a spine in the first place."  
"Oh, well that good!" says Goofy daftly. "I was worried you'd get hurt."  
"I was being sarcastic, you mental defect."  
"Aww..."

Yar snaps his fingers. "By the way, I don't believe we've introduced ourselves yet. Since I'm the alpha-male, I'll start out. My name's Yar, and I run this little family here." Yar points to his family members as he lists them. "This is Plio, my daughter, this is my sex-addicted grandson Zini, and this is my granddaughter Suri. We're the last of our kind."  
"At least we were before you came along," adds Suri.  
Goofy notices something about Suri's voice and leans toward Sora. "Y'know, Sora, that girl lemur sounds kinda familiar."  
Sora can't deny that he's noticed the same thing about her. "I thought I'd never hear myself say this, but... you're right! In fact, she sounds kinda hot. Maybe I should hook up with her and-"  
Zini, who just happened to be within earshot of the conversation, shoves Sora hostily. "Back off, feather-weight! You're new around here, so I'm only gonna tell you this once: Suri's... my... _girlfriend!_ So no touchy!"  
Sora tries to process what he just heard. "Girl... friend? But... she's your sister."  
"Yes. Your point being?"  
"Hold on a minute." Sora turns to Yar. "Yar, Zini's got a weird taste in girls. Make him stop."  
"Why should I?" asks Yar, callously picking his ear.  
"Brothers dating their sisters isn't what we usually do in the future," explains Sora, "so do history a favor and fix him!"  
Plio steps forward to defend her offspring. "Zini and Suri _are_ doing history a favor! They're going to save our race and keep the will of the lemurs alive!"  
"But this goes against all kinds of social mores!" says Buzz.  
"It's just not right for lemurs to break the rules of society!" adds Goofy.  
"Yeah! That's _our_ job!" remarks Donald.  
Scrooge, however, being who he is, thinks otherwise. "Society can go to Dell! Those social mores, too!"  
"The old one's right," says Yar. "Besides, we don't know what these 'social mores' you speak of are. Are they delicious?"  
Buzz finds himself really uncomfortable around the lemurs and decides that they should leave as soon as possible. "Group huddle!!"  
The Gaang huddles up to hear Buzz's thoughts on the matter.  
"Here's what we're going to do. We're going to run far away from these incestious monkeys, and we're never going to look back. On a side note, screaming like a little Japanese schoolgirl will not be looked down upon."  
"That's a great plan and all," admits Sora, "but I thought we agreed that I'm the big plan-maker in this group."  
"Sora, once they're done with the girl lemur, they're probably going to go after _you_ next. Do you want to lose your virginity to a bunch of flea-infested monkeys?"  
"Not really."  
"Electrical outlets don't taste very good, my mouse potatoes," says Scrooge.  
"Shut up, Scrooge!" says everyone but Scrooge.  
"Aww..."  
The Gaang gets out of their huddle and gets ready to run the hell away. Before they can, a rip in space-time appears in front of them. Merlin pokes his head out of it, catching them off-guard. "Gotcha! Thought you could run away, huh? Well you're no match for the intellect of the great wizard Merlin! _Ha _cha-cha-cha-chaaaaa!"  
Sora steps forward. "Okay. First, never do that 'ha cha cha' thing again, and second, how did you find us?"  
"Well, to tell you the truth, Cid found an unfinished, leaked version of this chapter on the Internet, and judging by its content so far I thought I'd find you here."  
"That's neat and disrespectful to the fourth wall and all, but why are you here?"  
"I was going to get to that. While Cid was on the Internet, we found your family tree, and it turns out that this 'Zini' character is your distant relative."  
Sora is understandably shocked by these news. "_What?!_ But that's not possible! I mean, just look at him! All he thinks and talks about is doing girls! I'm not like that at all!"  
"But what about Kairi?" says Goofy.  
"That was a one-time thing."  
"And Kiara," adds Donald.  
"That was in some crazy monkey's fanfic."  
"And Ariel," goofy recalls.  
"I backed out of that one."  
"Me!" Scrooge spontaneously adds, filling Sora's head with unpleasant images.  
"Scrooge, that's not right. In about two more ways than one."  
Merlin continues. "Well, the truth is we can't be sure if Zini's really your relative. What we know is that your ancestor was _a_ lemur."  
"That's really helpful," Donald drones sarcastically.  
Merlin's demeanor turns grave. "Even so, I suggest you be careful. If you were to cause the death of any one of those lemurs, it could have dire consequences for the space-time continuum."  
"Well, why are you so worried?" asks Goofy. "You wreck the space-time continuum all the time. In fact, you're doing it right now."  
"Uh... uh... just don't mess up anything! I'll be back for you later." Merlin retreats into the space-time rip and closes it, leaving the Gaang to their business.  
Sora sighs with exhaustion. "I really wish we could go for one day without the fear of endangering the universe."  
"So now what do we do?" wonders Donald.  
"You heard Merlin," says Buzz. "We have to get these lemurs safely to... wherever it is they're going. Whether we like it or not, they're essential to the existence of Sora and, to a bigger extent, the mission, so that means no doing anything particularly stupid to them while we're here."  
"That sounds easy enough for us." Donald turns to Scrooge, who is currently searching for a creative way to poke his eyes without the hurting part. "But how are we gonna tell that to Scrooge?"  
"With an insane amount of patience, I believe."  
"Not to mention luck," adds Goofy.  
Buzz turns to Donald, feeling that the conversation has run its course. "Say, Donald. We need to move this story forward. Why don't you do that thing you always do?"  
Donald is strangely oblivious. "What thing?"  
Eema collapses as she finally reaches the rest of the herd, which seems to have stopped. They have reached the bottom of a sand dune, with Kron and Bruton standing before them.  
"Listen up, you maggots!" announces Kron. "We have reached our sacred watering hole, which will be able to sustain us all for the rest of this voyage! You may all now applaud me for the brilliance of my leadership!"  
The herd does just that and cheers on Kron, if in a slightly journey-worn manner.  
"And now let us climb to our sustenance," says Bruton, "and bathe in both the moist water and the magnificence of Kron, without whom we wouldn't even be born!"  
The herd once again cheers (but with a little more enthusiasm this time around) and rushes up the dune to what they expect to be water. Eema climbs up the dune slowly, weak from thirst. "Yes! Water! Liquid! H20! I don't even know what that means!"  
Zini holds out his arms in presentation. "Everyone, I present to you the icy cold godsend that is our watering ho..." Zini pauses, devastated with realization. "Oh no..."

Eema reaches the top of the dune, and she, along with everyone else, looks on in despair and hopelessness: the supposed watering hole is now a big, dry, empty crater devoid of any moisture whatsoever. A tumbleweed tumbles its way through the floor of the watering hole to exemplify its emptiness. A miscellaneous dinosaur in the herd begins to sob, while Kron remains stone-faced, observing the desolate area before him.  
Bruton approaches Kron for the next word. "Kron, there doesn't seem to be any water here. What do you propose we do now?"  
"Keep the herd moving," Kron responds stoically. "The sooner we get to the breeding grounds, the less stragglers there'll be."  
Even Bruton knows how risky this course of action is. "But Kron! None of us are hydrated enough to go that far! I'll starve!"  
"Good. I'm getting tired of your whining by now."  
"Aww..."  
Kron turns to the rest of the herd. Some of them are gently weeping and collapsed onto the ground. "Listen up, you maggots! We have to keep moving! We have to reach the breeding grounds and we're going to do it with our heads up high! Anyone who doesn't follow is buzzard food! Move out!"  
Kron and Bruton begin to trek around the vast watering hole; those who have even the slightest of hope follow suit. However, Eema, unable to go on any further, tumbles into the lake bed, knocking off everyone on her back on the way down. Baylene looms over the dune to check up on them. "Is everyone all right?"  
Eema raises her head and smiles deliriously, by now having lost her sanity to her unbearable thirst and the overbearing heat. "Oh, it's beautiful, Baylene. I've seen watering holes... just like this before. There's one... in the breeding grounds. They say it's the... wettest... watering hole... the wettest watering hole... on this entire planet."  
Yar gets up from the fall and readjusts his spine. "If this is what you call wet, then I fear for the lives of those going to the breeding grounds."  
"And I love the sound of it," Eema rambles euphorically. "That wonderful blue water... tumbling over the rocks. That... wonderful, cool, clear water. You hear it, Baylene? Hear it? You do hear it, Baylene, don't you? That... wonderful sound?"  
"No," Baylene replies.  
Eema ignores Baylene, as she is no longer on the same mental plane as everyone else. "You know... we could... we could swim in that watering hole." She nods. "Let's do that. Let's swim in it, shall we? I used to do that when I was a little girl. Just... just sit there and... and let the water come down over me."  
Eema, in her heat-induced death throes, "swims" in the hard, sandy bed of the waterless watering hole. She finally collapses, overheated from the scorching sun above. The Gaang and the lemur family gather around Eema's dead body.  
"She's gone, gentlemen," Baylene mournfully declares.  
Yar drops to his knees and pounds the ground in hopeless fury. "Dammit! Just _dammit!_ Why does everything we ride die on us?! _Why?!_"  
"Is it my feet?!" Zini frantically wonders. "It's my feet, isn't it?! Pedicure!" Zini grabs his foot and lifts it up, chomping furiously at his toenails.  
Scrooge sobs pitifully. "Those oranges are trouble with a 'V'!"  
"Will all of you just stop it?!" Plio yells, trying to get everyone together. "None of this is going to get us any further!"  
Yar calms down, but is overcome with a sense of dread. "You're right, Plio. We should just stop squirming and die like adults."  
"I don't think that's exactly what Plio had in mind, Yar," says Sora. "If we keep walking, we just might be able to reach the breeding grounds before heat stroke does us in, and then I... I mean Zini can save your species. Besides, it could be worse."  
"Indubidally!" says Scrooge, having cheered up rather quickly. "We could have some scary carnivores coming after us!" On cue, a loud roar echoes from behind the Gaang. "Hooray! We're doomed!"  
Sora turns to Scrooge, his teeth clenched with rage. "Scrooge, I'm going to hurt you... so badly."  
"I don't mean to be prude, gentlemen," says Baylene, "but... run for your lives!"  
Everyone hurries out of the empty watering hole and leaves the sizzling corpse of Eema behind for the incoming Carnotauruses to chow down on.

Meanwhile, far ahead of the Gaang, Kron and Bruton continue to walk the lonely desert when Kron suddenly stops. Bruton follows suit. "Kron, what's the matter?"  
"I heard something, Bruton. I think we're being followed."  
"What makes you sure it isn't something from the herd?"  
"Look behind you, Bruton."  
Bruton looks behind himself to find that the entire herd that was following them just earlier has died out and is sprawled out across the desert behind them. "Kron, how long have you known that our herd is dead?"  
"You just told me." Kron turns to Bruton and begins to yell down on him hatefully." This is all your fault! Who am I supposed to push around now?! That's my goal in life! You're the worst lackey I've ever had!"  
"Bu-bu... but..."  
"Enough blabbering! Go back there and take care of whatever made that noise! It's a tragedy that I've ever met you."  
Bruton looks down dejectedly. "That's what my mother said."  
"_Out!!_"  
Bruton walks slowly away from Kron towards the watering hole, where he faces almost certain death at the hands of the feasting Carnotauruses. Kron, ever stone-hearted, can only sneer and walk the opposite direction. "What a disappointment. I can get to the breeding grounds by myself. At least I'll be away from this desert." Kron sighs miserable. "I'd give anything for a drink of water right now. Even my goddamned soul."  
A menacing, female voice echoes through the air. "I believe that can be arranged."  
Kron looks around him, searching for the source of the voice. "Who's there?"  
"A friend." A dark portal opens a few yards away from Kron. Maleficent emerges from it with a sinister smirk on her face. "An _evil_ friend."  
Pete runs out of the portal, which disappears behind him. As usual, Pete is sweating up a storm. "And her trusty personal henchman!"  
"Shut up, Pete."  
"Aww..."

The Gaang walks drearily away from the watering hole, passing by numerous dead bodies baking under the sun.  
Zini wipes his brow and decides to lighten the mood at least a little. "So... anyone hear any good jokes?"  
"I'm walking next to one right now," Suri answers cynically.  
"Was that directed at me or at Zini?" asks Sora.  
"Zini."  
Zini slaps Suri upside the head in bitter retaliation. "Oh, up yours, Suri! I never wanted to save our species with you anyways!"  
Buzz leans into Sora's ear. "Sora, if you value the well-being of the universe, let alone your existence, you should remedy this as soon as possible."  
"You're right, Buzz," says Sora. "Looks like it's time for me to play a little Cupid, and I have just the trick."  
"If it involves loud music and weird hand gestures, forget it, because that only works _some_times."  
"Aww..."  
Donald sighs and points ahead of them half-heartedly. "Everybloody, look over there."  
"You're not really trying anymore, aren't ya?" remarks Goofy.  
"What more do ya want?!" Donald quacks angrily. "I barely have any lines anymore!"  
Yar pounds Donald's head, silencing him. "Everybody calm down and figure out what that is heading towards us!"  
The Gaang refocus their attention and see Bruton in the distance heading their way. "Who's that guy?" asks Sora.  
"That would be Bruton, Kron's right-hand man," answers Baylene. "This definitely doesn't spell good news."  
Goofy recognises a name in there. "Kron? Wait a minute! We know Kron! He's with Ma-"  
Buzz quickly leaps onto Goofy's head and blocks his airways with his ammonite tentacles, keeping him from finishing a sentence that would upset the natural order. As Bruton approaches the Gaang, Sora notices that he looks rather melancholy. He decides to talk to him, hoping he isn't as eil as he let on. "Hey. What's wrong with you? You look kinda sad."  
"Oh, just leave me alone, maggots," says Bruton, not up to talking down to anybody at the moment. "I'm just so depressed right now, I can't even stomp your guts out for being a lemur."  
"You can tell us, Bruton," promises Donald. "We specialize in happy faces!"  
"Big ones, too!" adds Goofy. "See?"  
Donald and Goofy make ludicrous faces which, despite their intentions, only serve to disgust Bruton. He turns to Sora. "Do you put up with this regularly?"  
"Yes," says Sora unhappily. "It's very saddening, but enough about that. Just tell me about what's gotten you feeling all Allan Poe."  
"My master Kron just dumped me out here after the whole herd died. He blamed me for the whole thing. So now I'm alone. Again."  
Yar, however, is unsympathetic to Bruton's plight after all that has happened today. "I wish we could help you there, but we have our own things to do. We assure you that it doesn't have to do with the fact that you drove almost all of us to thirst."  
"Actually, yes it does," remarks Baylene.  
"You're not helping, Baylene," Yar whispers harshly.  
Distressed, Bruton drops to his hands and knees. "I don't know what to do, maggots! I have nowhere else to go! My pride is crying, and that's my favorite part!"  
Sora mulls over letting Bruton tag along for a bit, if only to satisfy the "friend to all living things" aspect of the job description for "Hero". "Well... I suppose we could-"  
Suddenly, Scrooge pushes Sora out of the way to make an undoubtedly idiotic announcement. "Hey, paisanos! There's pancakes laying back in the watering hole for everybody! Go get 'em!"  
Bruton looks at Scrooge like he's nuts, which he is. "What?!"  
Scrooge pushes down on Sora's head, keeping him from stopping his nonsense. "Yes! It is unbelievable! Those two-dollar gift prices!"  
"I barely know what you're saying," says Bruton, "but if there's really something interesting in the watering hole, then it should be my business to check it out."  
Sora shoves Scrooge off and reaches toward Bruton ."No, wait! Bruton, hold-"  
Bruton, without listening to a word Sora is saying, runs off towards the watering hole to see what it is Scrooge made up. Buzz face-palms his face in frustration. "And thus proves Law of the Universe #47: Whenever Scrooge talks, something bad happens."  
"Pickles make such fine Englishmen," says Scrooge.  
An iron ball on a chain inexplicably falls from the sky and crushes Scrooge. "I stand corrected," says Buzz.  
Having endured misfortune after misfortune the whole day, Sora decides that it's time he had his way for once. "Good. Now that that's out of the way, why don't you all go ahead and catch Bruton for us? Me and Suri will uh... watch over Baylene and make sure she doesn't... expiri... cate."  
Goofy becomes suspicious over Sora's shifty demeanor. "Say, Sora, you're actin' kinda strange. You feelin' okay?"  
"Maybe he's getting heat stroke, too," suggests Donald.  
Sora impatiently shoos the others off. "I'm fine! Just go! We'll be here when you get back, okay?"  
"Well... if you say so," says Buzz, still concerned about Sora's well-being. "C'mon, guys."  
Everyone except Sora, Suri, Baylene and Scrooge walk away towards the watering hole that Bruton was headed to. Sora waves and bids them a good trip. "Don't be a stranger, now! Goodbye! Bon voyage! Takes more muscles to frown than to smile! Auf wiedersehen! Take care!"  
As the group disappears over the horizon, Sora stops waving and turns to Baylene. "You tell the others what me and Suri are gonna do here and I'll have to Keyblade your kneecaps. Agreed?"  
"Like I have a choice in the matter," sighs Baylene.  
"I'll take it as a yes." Sora turns to Suri with a grin and a gleam of lust in his eye. "C'mon, Suri. Let's have us some fun."

Donald, Goofy, Buzz, Yar, Plio and Zini rush towards the watering hole, hoping they're not too late to stop Bruton. Yar, being a crusty old lemur, doesn't take long to lose his breath and falls over. "Go... on... without... me..." he gasps.  
Zini stops and takes Yar by the hand, proceeding to drag him across the dry desert, much to his agony.  
"_You don't know how long I've wanted to do something like this, gramps,_" Zini thinks in his head.  
The group reaches the edge of the watering hole and find two carnotaurs facing down Bruton.  
"Bruton!" Buzz calls out. "Don't kid yourself! You can't take on both of those Carnotauruses by yourself!"  
"You'd better do what he says, Bruton!" warns Goofy. "He knows big words!"  
"I don't care what the squidface says," rebukes Bruton. "If you see Kron again, tell him that I gave my live doing something he wouldn't even dream of doing. And that I never liked him. Oh, and that his breath smells."  
"Very well," says Buzz, although he isn't quite sure how to tell Kron that his breath smells. "Do what you have to go to gain your respect."  
"So that's it?!" says Donald incredulously. "You're just gonna let him go?!"  
"That's not very hero-like at all!" remarks Goofy, clearly unaware of the nature of the Gaang's actions throughout this fanfiction.  
Buzz raises two tentacles, silencing the two. His demeanor grows solemn. "Gentlemen, one of the many examples of a man's defining moment of pure impressiveness has been when he faces his enemies head on in head to head combat, mano a mano. Who would we be to step in and ruin that moment by making the fight easier and the victory less satisfying?"  
Donald and Goofy take these words to heart as Bruton is ripped apart mercilessly by the carnotaurs in front of them. A sprinkle of blood hits Goofy's face, but he is too inspired by Buzz's speech to even notice. "Gee, Buzz. I guess you're right."  
"As I always am, Goofy," Buzz replies as Bruton's arm lands in front of him. "Bruton is truly a brave soul beneath his unwelcoming exterior. I didn't know him for more than a few minutes myself, but I do know one thing. He hated Kron, and that is what mattered in the end. Sayonara, yuujin. Sayonara."  
Buzz waves goodbye to Bruton and is soon joined in this act by Donald and Goofy. A large puddle of blood splashes down on the group, evoking a great feeling of disgust in Yar, Plio and Zini. They grimace and grunt as they behold what the blood had done to their formely neat coats of fur.  
"This could have a serious impact on the lady factor," Zini states in a deadpan manner.

Millenia into the future, Cid Highwind sits at the computer of Merlin's Place. He leans back on his chair and slurps up a can of Dr Pepper from a bendy straw, lazily observing the events unfurling on the screen in front of him. He turns to Merlin. "'Ey, Mister Magic Guy."  
Merlin, currently tending to a catatonic Yuffie, is too busy to face Cid back. "Not now, Cid. Can't you see I'm still tending to Yuffie's emotional wounds?"  
"Sorry," apologizes Cid. "It's just that Sora seems to be enjoyin' his stay in the Dinosaur World here."  
Merlin, sure that Sora would be miserable in the prehistoric ages, breaks his concentration away from Yuffie in disbelief. "What?! Let me see!"  
Merlin storms towards Cid's computer to see how Sora could possibly be enjoying himself. His jaw drops when he sees Sora's and Suri's tails whipping wildly behind one of Baylene's gargantuan legs. Sensual gasping and moaning can be heard coming from the same place.  
"Lucky kid," Cid grumbles enviously. "Didn't even have to whip out the roofie colada, like what I do."  
Angered over this turn of events, Merlin whips out his wand and blasts the screen with a blue lightning bolt, exploding it into a million pieces. Cid quickly shields himself from the flying glass with his arms. Merlin breathes heavily with rising contempt. "I send Sora and his friends to the most desolate part of time and space, and he has the unmitigated gall... TO HAVE _FUN?! I HATE THAT KEYBEARER!!_"  
Black Mage approaches Merlin. "So what do you suppose we do about it, o' mighty jackass?"  
Merlin, at this point, has decided it's time to actually do something awesome for once. "Black Mage, get our twisted cult ready! Today, we're going to take down The King Mickey and finally do some good for the universe! I'm quite tired of this time-travelling business anyhow!"  
Black Mage is somewhat taken aback by Merlin actually doing something important. "You didn't do that in the first place because...?"  
"Just do what I ask!" Merlin commands. He grabs space-time and rips a hole through it, allowing himself to directly communicate with those in the Dinosaur World. He pokes his head through the hole and finds the part of the Gaang that is in the watering hole, standing in front of Bruton's horrifically mauled corpse in respectful silence.  
Merlin, however, sees to it that this silence doesn't last much longer. "_Infidels!_"  
The Gaang jumps, startled by his appearance. Donald, practically pleading for forgiveness, gets down on his hands and knees in reverence. "It wasn't our fault! Scrooge did this to him! Technically, I mean."  
"Never mind that, you half-witted dangers to reality!" retorts Merlin. "We're just getting ready to take down The King Mickey, and I just can't trust you lot to be anywhere else without messing up history!"  
"Indulge us on how we messed things up this time, please," inquires Buzz.  
"Don't play dumb with me, Space Ranger! Maleficent's gotten to Kron, Sora's become his own ancestor, and worst of all, Scrooge McDuck is still alive!"  
Donald slouches, disappointed. "Aww, man. I thought that iron ball would've worked for sure."  
"Well, Donald, no it didn't." Merlin points to behind the group. "Look."  
Scrooge McDuck waddles his way into the group as good as new. Goofy begins to sob, so sure that Scrooge was finally gone. Donald screams into the air for the very same reason.  
"I just love a happy family," says Yar in a tongue-in-cheek way. "Don't you, Plio?"  
"Happy might be stretching it," Plio responds.  
Merlin snaps his fingers, his expression becoming stern. "Speaking of family, it's time I gave Sora a harsh scolding to about changing his family tree. _Fractulate!_"  
Sora is transported into the group via blue lightning bolt. His pose is caught in a position that suggests groping somebody. Sora, his startlement giving way to confusion, wonders why he's in a different area from the one he was a second ago. "Hey. Where'd Suri go?"  
Merlin whips Sora over the head with his wand. "Mister Sora, I'm severely disappointed in you! Now only did you not get eaten by buzzards like I expected you to, but you've managed to become your own ancestor while you were at it! Thanks a lot, hero."  
Sora tries to come up with some sort of explanation. "But Merlin, do you even know how old I am?! I can't help it!"  
"That's no excuse! It's become abundantly clear that I can't keep you anywhere in time without messing it up, so now I'm bringing you back, and I'm keeping it that way! Besides, it's time for us to face down that dreaded The King Mickey and stop whatever it is he's up to right now! Who's with me?"  
Sora, Donald, Goofy and Buzz, suddenly invigorated, pump their fists into the air "Aye!"  
"Pie!" shouts Scrooge at the same time.  
"Good! Now let's go save the universe, before that poison does you all in!"  
"Great plan, Merlin," concurs Buzz. "To infinity a-"  
"Quiet you!"  
"Awww..."  
The Gaang jumps through the space-time rip, returning to their original forms upon returning to their time. The time rip closes, leaving Yar, Plio and Zini behind. A few awkward moments pass as they take in what just happened.  
"So does this mean I don't get laid?" asks Zini.  
Yar turns to Zini, quite fed up after all that has transpired in his lifetime. "Zini... I'm ashamed to be your grandfather."


	16. Episode 16: Revengependence Day

The Disney Castle ominously looms over the far reaches of the Disneyverse, accompanied by evil-sounding brass music. Inside one of the Castle's towers is a large conference room where The King Mickey, The Sultan, and The Lord Cutler Beckett scheme at a circular table. A potted peyote plant is situated smack-dab in the middle of the table, and a boombox playing the evil music sits in front of The King Mickey. He pounds on the boombox, stopping the music.  
"Fellow corrupt politicians," he begins in a serious tone. "I've just received word from a reliable source that Merlin, a foe of mine, has gathered up a cult bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of The King Mickey. They'll be here by nightfall."  
"You mean 5:30?" says The Sultan.  
"Yeah. Sora and his friends will be there as well, looking for... this." The King Mickey reaches into his robes and pulls out a vial of pink liquid labelled "Antidote". "I sent Sora and his friends on a wild goose chase for this antidote after I poisoned them with a feast, and ever since they've been unlocking the Keyholes of the Disneyverse's worlds looking for it."  
"But The King," says The Lord Cutler Beckett, "are you aware that this will inevitably cause the destruction of the world's that are unlocked?"  
"That's the point!" answers The King Mickey. "Once those worlds are gone and out of the way, I'll fill in the empty space with a gigantic amusement park. The largest testament to my brilliance I've ever built! And I'll call this park..." The King Mickey reaches into his robes once more and pulls out a large, rolled-up piece of paper. He unrolls it and flaunts it to his two comrades, revealing intricate blueprints to an amusement park with the title "Mickey Mouse Kick-Ass Amusement Park... House" labelled on the top. "_The Mickey Mouse Kick-Ass Amusement Park_... House."  
The Lord Cutler Beckett and The Sultan stare at the blueprints, unimpressed and a tad disappointed.  
"An amusement park, sir?" asks The Lord Cutler Beckett.  
"Of course! I have to win my master Yen Sid's favor if I'm gonna get my TV back, and what could be cooler than an amusement park dedicated to me? Nothing, of course, since it's me."  
"That's just dumb," says The Sultan, brutally but unwisely honest.  
The King Mickey, not taking this well, gets out of his chair and points at The Sultan accusingly. "Don't question my sense of cool, you impudent fogey! I oughta-"  
Sparing The Sultan any harsher verbal abuse, the doorbell rings, bringing The King Mickey's angry tirade to a pause. The Sultan takes this opportunity to leave his chair and head for the door. "I'll get that. Excuse me."  
As The Sultan approaches the door, The King Mickey turns toward him. "And you can forget about that new palace I was gonna get ya!"  
The Sultan sighs in a disheartened manner as he leaves the room, closing the door behind him. The King Mickey and The Lord Cutler Beckett have now been left amongst themselves. Hoping to kill some of the uneasy silence, The King Mickey takes a tuning fork out of his robes and hits it against the table a few times in his boredom. Finally, he finds he has no choice but to actually engage in some sort of conversation. "So... what've you been up to lately?"  
"Oh, the usual," The Lord Cutler Beckett answers casually. "Last Thursday, I sentenced a random orphan to death for no reason whatsoever, and just last month I stormed my town's schoolhouse and sodomized all the children in it for laughs. Those little brats didn't know what hit them."  
The King Mickey grins. "Cutler, you're one sick son of a bitch, and that's why I'm going to go ahead and say I'm proud of you."  
The Lord Cutler Beckett's demeanor turns bitter. "Yes, and I would've been able to do something more evil if that second-rate do-gooder Sora didn't wreck my town and leave it desolate."  
"Don't worry, Cutler. It'll all be over soon. Once The Sultan comes back, I'll reveal something that'll flush those key-wielders down the toilet."  
The door opens, making way for The Sultan, who is holding a box labelled "Shavo's Pizza Pie". "Excuse me, gentlemen, but the pizza you ordered is here."  
The King Mickey hops in his seat with joy. "Oh, boy! It's such a fine time to be evil, because evil goes great with pizza! Bring it to me!"  
The Sultan lays the box on the table in front of The King Mickey, who whips open the box... and freezes. He reaches into the box and slowly takes out a slice of pizza, holding it in disgust at arm's length with his fingertips. Clearly, this is not the kind of pizza he wanted. "Why... is... there... _ANCHOVIES ON THIS PIZZA?!?_"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett pounds the table angrily. "Anchovies?! This is a federal crime indeed!"  
"What do you suppose we do about this, my King?" asks The Sultan.  
"Don't worry. I have just the man for this kind of occasion." The King Mickey reaches into his robes and pulls out a remote control with a single large red button on it, which The King Mickey vigorously pounds numerous times.  
A skeletal figure dressed in black robes and carrying a scythe, none other than the Grim Reaper itsself, phases through the room's roof and floats down to The King Mickey's level, bowing on one knee in reverence. "What is thy bidding, my master?"  
The King Mickey speaks to Death in a high-pitched tone, as if he was talking to his pet dog. "Oh, Grimmy, there's a bad man who messed up our pizza order. Would you be so kind as to... end him for us, please?"  
"Your wish is my command, master." The Grim Reaper makes its exit by floating upwards and phasing through the roof.  
"There's one thing I don't get, The King Mickey," says The Lord Cutler Beckett. "Why don't you just fetch that individual onto all of your enemies?"  
"Because, Beckett," says The King Mickey, "I just don't have enough doggy treats for that. And now that that's out of the way, it's time for us to launch the next part of our sneaky, devious, underhanded scheme: getting rid of that cult that's gonna hound us!"  
The Sultan looks out of a window. "So, will this cult be driving around in an odd-looking red and yellow ship that looks like it was made out of blocks?"  
"Why, yes, The Sultan. How'd you know?"  
The Sultan points out of the said window. "Because that sort of looks like them."  
The three dictators rush towards the window and look out to find the Gummi Ship flying in the direction of the castle. The King Mickey pounds the glass in frustration. "Blast! We've been discovered! You two, stay here while I ready my ultimate weapon. If you need me, just walk through this unnecessarily large zipper. Don't fail me."  
The King Mickey pulls out an unusually large zipper from his robes and pastes it onto the thin air in front of him. He unzips it, revealing a mysterious, light-purple space behind it. He zips it back up, leaving the zipper posted onto thin air.  
"Does The King keep everything in those robes of his?" wonders The Lord Cutler Beckett.  
"I dare not to think about it," says The Sultan. "Now enough talk! Time to distract the imbeciles. Beckett, go and distract the imbeciles while I shuffle through The King Mickey's things."  
The Lord Cutler Beckett walks out of the room, whining bitterly. "'Do this, Beckett. Do that, Beckett.' Bossy, bossy, bossy..."

In the Disney Castle's garden, the Gummi Ship has crash-landed in one of The King Mickey's flower beds. The pressured Gummi Ship door bursts open, allowing the Gaang and Merlin's Cult to abandon ship. Merlin coughs heavily as he leaves the wrecked ship. "Why doesn't this ship have any landing gear?!"  
Cid takes this time to knock the dirt out of his ears. "I think the phrase 'The King Mickey's a jackass' covers that one."  
Yuffie, now conscious, staggers out of the ship, groaning and holding her head in pain. "Can anyone tell me what happened in the last three chapters?"  
Merlin turns to Yuffie, overjoyed. "Yuffie! You're out of your coma! I always knew you can't keep a good ninja down."  
Yuffie is rather baffled. "What coma?"  
Black Mage and Fighter get between Merlin and Yuffie. "We're getting off the subject here, men... and woman. We've got business at hand. Y'know, overthrowing kings and whatnot?"  
Fighter turns to Black Mage. "Gee, Black Mage. I never knew you were so devoted to this mission. Normally you'd sell us out for you own selfish purposes. At least that's what the others say."  
"No I wouldn't. Trust me."  
"Okay!"  
"Now enough talk, everybody! Time to infiltrate us some castle."

The Gaang and Merlin's Cult take cover behind some topiary animals with The King Mickey's head on them. They eavesdrop on a couple of peculiarly unarmed brooms standing on each side of the entrance into the castle, guarding it from intruders. With nothing to do, one of the brooms, Richard, turns to the other, Peter. "Hey."  
Peter turns back to him. "Yeah?"  
"You ever wonder why we're here?"  
"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean... does The King Mickey really have a plan for us and stuff, or are we really just pawns in his little sadistic chess games? I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night."  
Richard is taken aback by Peter's semi-philosophical response. "What? No, I mean... why are we out here in this garden?"  
"Didn't you get the memo? It clearly said we were supposed to wait out here in the garden and attack anything that can be perceived as a threat, a.k.a. anything that we perceive."  
Richard points to one of the topiary animals in front of them. "What about that topiary animal over there? It's kinda looking at me funny."  
Sure enough, Fighter can be seen peeking through the eyes of a topiary horse with The King Mickey's head on it. Black Mage quickly pulls him out from behind before Fighter can arouse any serious suspicion. "Get down from there you idiot!" he whispers furiously.  
After the suspicion passes, Peter turns back to Richard. "Didn't you get the other memo? The topiary animals are not to be attacked for any reason since they are cut in The King Mickey's image. Now if you have the time, we've got ourselves some imbeciles to subdue."  
"Cleaning is fun," says Richard, running out of things to say.  
Peter also finds himself searching for new subjects of interest. "Cleaning... and tidying... and cleansing... sparklifying..."  
As the brooms run the course of their idle conversation, Black Mage steps out from behind the topiary horse and indiscriminately walks towards the brooms, who immediately recognize his presence.  
"Hey you! Stop!" shouts Peter.  
"Don't move any closer, or we'll shoot!" threatens Richard.  
"But... you don't have guns," points out Black Mage.  
Richard realizes his foley a tad too late. "Oh... oh, oh yeah."  
Black Mage snaps his fingers, and the two brooms are instantly set ablaze.  
"Will I dream, Peter?" Richard asks.  
"Go to hell, Rich," says Peter.  
The brooms fizzle into a couple of smoldering piles of ash. The rest of the group comes out of hiding and walk towards Black Mage.  
"Well, that was easy," says Sora.  
Merlin, just as confused, scratches his beard. "Strange. I thought The King Mickey would've worked harder to keep us out of his castle. Why would he leave some of his weakest monsters to do it for him?"  
"Like I said before," says Cid. "'The King Mickey's a jackass' covers that one."  
"Let's not mind all of that now," Black Mage says eagerly. "It only makes it easier for us to beat the living hell out of him with his own minions. Besides, with what he's given us so far, what could possibly go wrong?"  
"Olives can sure cater a party, my compatriots," answers Scrooge.  
"Why are you even on the team, Scrooge?" asks Sora.

The castle's ballroom is so dark that it could frighten a tuxedo. The fancy door to the ballroom busts open, letting in the light from outside. The Gaang and Merlin's Cult stand behind Sora, who had just kicked open the door. Sora feels that a one-liner would be quite appropriate at this time. "Sora's Cleaning Service. If it ain't broke, we'll break it."  
The rooms lights switch on, and the group is met with a storm of laughter and applause from an entire army of sentient broomsticks. A red banner labelled 'WELCOME IMBECILES' unrolls itself from the ceiling followed by a plethora of confetti, streamers, and balloons. The visitors are utterly confused by this turn of events, but Scrooge, being his usual senile self, cheers along with them. "Yippee!! An olive party!"  
Leon pounds Scrooge's head, silencing him. The Lord Cutler Beckett, who is on the other side of the room, claps merrily for the mostly young heroes. "Bravo! Bravo! A magnificent performance!"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett snickers menacingly and walks towards Sora through the army of brooms. The laughter and cheering die down, and The Lord Cutler Beckett removes a golden pocketwatch from his pocket. "Though frankly, I expected you here fifteen minutes earlier. Trouble with the authorities, I presume?"  
The brooms chuckle at this crack, and Merlin walks to Sora's side in preparation for a verbal lashing. "Beckett, no one can have a higher opinion of you than we do... and we think you're a contemptable, pedophilic psychopath!!"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett puts away his pocketwatch and giggles, obviously flattered by these epithets. "You always have been such a cocky, misled warlock, haven't you..."  
The Lord Cutler Becket brutally punches Merlin hard across the face, sending him tumbling down to the floor. He looks up, shocked. "You can't do that to me! I'm too old and cool for that," he says helplessly.  
"Don't play 'High and Mighty' with someone who is," The Lord Cutler Beckett retorts. He follows his punch with a swift kick to the whimpering Merlin's frail body. Black Mage can't help but chortle at Merlin's yelp of pain.  
As The Lord Cutler Beckett raises his foot for a stomp, Yuffie rushes to Merlin's side to console him, delaying another blow. "It's okay, Merlin," says Yuffie, in a comforting tone not unlike the one Merlin adopted when she was emotionally traumatized. "I'm right here. I hope you're hurt too badly."  
"Of course not," Merlin replies weakly. "Just my pride. And my colon."  
The Lord Cutler Beckett, having no conception of love, is perplexed by the events that occur before him. "And what on Earth is this tomfoolery?! I don't believe I ordered you to aid that crusted old man, who just happened to deserve that lesson I handed him! It seems I'll have to teach a heathen like you some manners!"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett viciously grabs Yuffie's hair and pulls her up, but before he can do anything, a ball of fire strikes Beckett's hand, forcing him to let go. He recoils, nursing his burnt hand, and sees Sora with his Keyblade aimed at where Beckett's hand once was, the firing end smoking slightly. "You can pick on Merlin all you want, because to tell you the truth, I'm not a big fan of old people."  
"Doggy butter!" exclaims Scrooge angrily.  
However, Sora is too preoccupied to punish Scrooge at the moment and continues. "But when you start picking on a hot ninja chick with healing powers, that's where I draw the line!"  
Yuffie feels through her steamy hair. "My hairs are singed!"  
"Now... you're gonna know what pwnage truly feels like."  
The Lord Cutler Beckett pretends to be impressed. "Oh... oh, well pardon _me_ for being such an unchivalrous fellow, but I'm afraid I'll get the last laugh on you imbeciles. Any moment now, the worlds you've unlocked will be devoured, and The King Mickey will be able to launch his new amusement park!"  
"That monster!" says Buzz.  
"And the best part is... none of you will be around to see it, because you'll be dead, because I killed you!"  
Black Mage becomes despondent. "But... I love seeing things get destroyed! You really are a corrupt politician!"  
"Thanks, but enough talk! Have at you! Brooms, assemble!!"  
A large chunk of the brooms gather around The Lord Cutler Beckett and dogpile on him, completely covering him. The pile of brooms reform into a towering golem of wood, with The Lord Cutler Beckett's upper body sticking out on top. "Bask upon the wooden pile of sticks that'll be your demise!"  
"Sticks?!" one of the brooms says, offended.  
"Silence! Now we shall see who will truly feel what this... 'pwnage' feels like! It will be you! I am counting my chickens before they are even eggs, and I should! I am The Lord, and everybody knows my name!"  
At this point, a smoke is rising up to The Lord Cutler Beckett's level, giving him a chance to take a whiff of it. "Does anybody else smell burning?"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett looks down and finds that the right foot of his broom golem is on fire. Due to the golem's wooden nature, the fire quickly spreads up the body, reaching the golem's waistline in a matter of seconds.  
"What is this?!" says The Lord Cutler Beckett, overcome with surprise. "I never gave anyone permission to set me on fire! Who is responsible for this?!"  
Donald raises his hand. "Yo."  
Sora steps forward. "Here's a tip, Beckett: the next time you make a fighting body made out of your own minions, make sure they aren't flammable first."  
"But... all minions are inherently flammable!" The Lord Cutler Beckett reveals.  
"And that, Beckett, is why you were destined to fail," says Leon.  
"I can't believe I'm losing to this scum!! No one makes fun of me!! No one!! Nooooo ooooone!!" The Lord Cutler Beckett claws himself out of the burning body of wood and leaps off, leaving his own personal Wicker Man to burn behind him. He dashes off to the opposite door, hoping to make it back to the conference room. "You haven't seen the last of me!"  
"Quick! After him!" shouts Cid.  
The Gaang and Merlin's Cult charge after the fleeing Beckett. As they go ahead, Sora stops and turns to find that Scrooge is roasting a marshmallow on a stick over the burning brooms, singing off-key. "_Sumer is icumen in! Lhude sing cuccu!_"  
Sora rushes back and drags Scrooge away from the burning wreck, determined to have everyone going after the fleeing Lord.

Back in the conference room, The Sultan has rummaged through a nearby file cabinet and is now sitting on the floor flipping through an anime pornography magazine, with a lecherous look on his face. "Mickey, you cruel tyrant. Why have you so long kept this a secret from your old friends?"  
The Sultan lets a centerfold unfurl, revealing a shot of a blue-haired lass christened 'Rei Ayanami'. The Sultan is quick to plug his nose as to not taint his perfectly white beard with his own nosebleed. The conference room door slams open, allowing a fatigued The Lord Cutler Beckett to slink into the room, a fresh layer of soot all over his person. The Sultan hastily closes the magazine and stands up to greet the fallen politician. A trickle of blood runs down his nose. "Uh, salutations, The Lord Cutler Beckett! Having trouble with the imbeciles?"  
The Lord Cutler Beckett, out of breath, tries to speak. "Sultan... the zipper... now."  
"I'm guessing that means we should make our escape now, correct? Let's go." The Sultan walks over to the large zipper floating in mid-air and unzips it, allowing him and The Lord Cutler Beckett to walk into it. The Sultan zips up the zipper just as the Gaang and Merlin's Cult bust into the room.  
Donald hops forward, all fired up. "Where is he?! Where is he?! When I find him, I'm gonna rip 'im hard!"  
"You mean _if_ we find him," corrects Merlin. "I could've sworn he ran here."  
Yuffie searches the room. "Well, I don't see anything here except that table and that... magazine?" She eagerly shuffles over to the magazine that The Sultan was just reading. She picks up the magazine and flips through a few pages, gawking at them intently. "Sweet mama..."  
Cid shoves Yuffie out of the way, sending the magazine flying straight into the air. "Outta my way, sugar queen! Those're _my_ milkcans!" He grabs the magazine and flips through it with great vigor. "Oh, yeah. This Water Tribe chick's got her winter padding in _all_ the right places!"  
Merlin takes the magazine from Cid's grasp (to his disappointment) and pockets it for... safe-keeping. "Now gentlemen, let's not let our hormones get the best of us. We need to find out where that devious Lord Cutler Beckett went."  
"Gee, I wonder," says Black Mage sarcastically. "He couldn't have possibly gone through that big zipper floating in midair." Black Mage points to the floating zipper that Beckett and The Sultan just passed through.  
"Oh, shock and horror," drones Leon monotonously. "A zipper. Like we don't see those a few hundred thousand times in this universe."  
Merlin leans toward the zipper in observation, adjusting his glasses. "Say! Zippers aren't that big! Something's definitely amiss here." He turns to Sora. "Sora! Open this giant zipper for me, please."  
"Why do I have to do it?" asks Sora.  
"Because my hands are too old and frail to touch something so out-of-the-ordinary. Now go!"  
Sora grumbles bitterly as he walks towards the floating zipper and unzips it, revealing the light-purple space behind it. Everyone stares into the zipper to take in the ominousness of the realm they see before him.  
"You could put a lot of cereal in this bowl," whispers Scrooge.  
"Now," says Merlin, "before we let Scrooge damage our intelligence any further, I'm going to conclude that Beckett definitely ran in here, and by that logic, The King Mickey's in there with him, so here's the plan: we go in there, march right up to The King Mickey, look at him straight in the eye..."  
"And then we lynch him, right?" concludes Sora.  
"Aaand?" asks Buzz, hoping that Sora remembers their original motive.  
"Oh. Right. And we get the antidote."  
Merlin looks upon the others with a grim seriousness. "Gentlemen, I sure hope you've saved your games before this. I don't believe we'll be able to return once we pass through this zipper."  
Black Mage doesn't quite understand this. "Save our games? What are you talking about, Merlin? This is a fanfiction. We don't save our games."  
Merlin realizes that Black Mage is right and begins to stutter. "Uh... uh... onward ho, laddies! There's so much time and so little to do!" Merlin climbs through the zipper into the purple space.  
Black Mage pinches the skin between his glowing yellow eyes. "You know what? I'm just not gonna argue with him anymore."  
"Good idea, Black Mage," Buzz responds, backing up. "We'll take care of him after this fight." Buzz charges towards the zipper and leaps through it. "To infinity and _beyond!!_"  
Fighter comes charging through after Buzz. "_Leeroy!!_"  
"Quiet, Fighter!" says Black Mage, climbing through the zipper. "You'll jinx it!"  
The rest of the group follows through, with Sora in the back of the group. He stops in front of the zipper and turns around to find Yuffie and Cid peeking into the magazine, Yuffie having skillfully pickpocketed Merlin to get it. She points one page out to Cid. "Hey, Cid. Check out the guns on this Soryu chick."  
"Whoa," says Cid, fascinated. "She could get pulled over with those!"  
Sora frustratedly walks over to Yuffie and Cid and grabs them by their collars, causing Cid to drop the magazine. Sora drags the two along with him into the zipper, and zips up the zipper upon entering it.

The entire group is inside the purple space, which appears quite empty, with none of the corrupt politicians to be found. Buzz rubs the space helmet glass in front of his chin. "Hmm, that's odd. Are we quite sure Beckett went through here?"  
"Can you think of any other place he would've gone?" Leon asks Buzz.  
"Once you put it that way, not really."  
"I didn't think so."  
Without warning, the zipper behind the group disappears in a puff of pink smoke. The group quickly turns over to where the zipper once was to see Merlin with his wand outstretched, putting it back into his robes a second later. "There. Now we're 98% sure that there'll be no turning back."  
Sora is understandably enraged. "Merlin, you prick! Why'd you do that for?!"  
"Yeah!" says Fighter, squirming in place. "I had to go to the bathroom!"  
Black Mage facepalms. "Well, Fighter, you should've gone before we came in here."  
"I like chickens, Edward," says Scrooge.  
Sora sits on the ground, pouting. "We've been poisoned by a corrupt king, chased around the Disneyverse by the authorities, and now we're stuck in some weirdo final level with no idea where that corrupt king is. I have no idea how this can get any worse."  
A familiar dark portal fades into existence just a few feet away from the group. Maleficent and Pete drag their feet out of the portal looking rather glum. Their army is nowhere to be found. Merlin steps forward in a strangely welcome manner. "Well, if it isn't our second most-hated adversary in the Disneyverse. How goes it?"  
"Get over it, old man!" spits back Maleficent. "Mercedes-Benz just got on our backs for not stopping you fools earlier, and they made us abandon our army as punishment!"  
"So where are they now?" asks Goofy.  
"Oh, some random spot in the universe," answers Maleficent. "I don't know where."

Meanwhile, in the plain, grassy field that is Meatloaf, Kansattica, Maleficent's Army, consisting of Cap'n Gantu, Hades, Kronk, Kron, Kuzco, and The Governator Ratcliffe have come across a yeti crab-shaped drive-thru speaker and are interrogating it for a way out of this place.  
"Okay, mister," says a flustered Hades. "I'll say this in English. _Take_... _us_... _some_... _where_... _that_... _isn't_... _here_."  
The drive-thru yeti crab replies in a scratchy, almost unintelligible voice. "I'm a tangerine, please. Happy are the gargoyles."

"Wherever they are, I'm sure they're okay and being not-eaten by the local freaks of nature," deduces Maleficent.  
"But that's what you said for-" Maleficent slaps Pete before he can finish.  
"Silence! Those Boy Scouts are not to be spoken of!"  
"I'm perfectly willing to ignore that suspicious sentence there," says Merlin, "but I'm more curious about why you're here."  
"To destroy you lot, of course!" answers Pete. "Why else would you think we're here?"  
"I've come up with a few good reasons," says Buzz. "A: to sell us something, or B: to join forces with us so we can get rid of... that."

Buzz points to a gigantic figure falling to the ground nearby: a needlessly-detailed mecha with all the bells and whistles, including a chainsaw, machine gun, gold chain necklaces, wristwatches, and hot rod flames among other decorations. The King Mickey has set up a cockpit in the mecha's head, while The Lord Cutler Beckett and The Sultan have set up cockpits in the mecha's shoulders. The mecha lands, shaking up everyone and everything around it. After that impact, the hundred-foot mecha approaches the group and looms over them, casting a gargantuan shadow.  
The King Mickey looks down upon them like a demigod. "Well, well, well. Look who finally showed up. You're just in time to see me become the _SUPREME RULER OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!_ Actually, you'll all be too dead to see anything, but you get the idea."  
Sora steps forward gallantly. "Mickey, you know what we, but mostly I, came here for, and we want it _now!_"  
The King Mickey digs through his robes. "Now let's see... oh, yeah. Do you mean... this?" The King Mickey pulls out the 'Antidote' vial from his robes for Sora to see. Sora eagerly holds out his arms like a child expecting a treat. "Yeah! Give it here!"  
The King Mickey chuckles. "Isn't that cute. The little Keybearer thinks that I'm going to give him this antidote in return for all his hard work, when _this_ is more suiting of my character."  
The King Mickey smashes the vial against the control panel of his cockpit, shattering it into a hundred pieces. Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Buzz scream in despair as their only hope for survival drips all over The King Mickey's control panel.  
"Hooray for our side!" Scrooge cheers.  
"_You monster!!_" screams Sora, extremely distressed. "That was the only way to get rid of the poison in our bodies, and now it's gone!! You'll _pay_ for this!"  
The King Mickey feigns confusion. "Poison? What poison? I don't seem to recall poisoning you."  
Sora is enraged by The King Mickey's obliviousness. "Don't toy with us, you little f-"  
Buzz, realizing that something is up, cuts Sora short. "Hold on, Sora. The King Mickey... were you bluffing?"  
"Well, how else was I supposed to get you to unlock all those worlds and let the ensuing Heartless devour them? Asking you politely? I think not."  
Sora, quietly incredulous, drops to his knees. "It was all a lie?! All this time, we've been destroying worlds for a fake antidote that'd cure an illness we didn't even have?!" He looks to the sky and raises his fists up towards the heavens above. "_WHAT KIND OF IDIOTS ARE WE?!?!_"  
Sora gets down to his hands and begins pounding the ground while Donald and Goofy sit and sob to themselves. Buzz looks down in shame and Scrooge giggles to himself mindlessly. Merlin's Cult can't help but look on at their pitiful states. Yuffie steps forward to take care of them, but Merlin lifts an arm out, blocking her progress. "Let it go, Yuffie. You have to choose your battles."  
The King Mickey claps for his puppets. "You've all been wonderful help, imbeciles. I couldn't have done it without ya. Oh, and I'd also like to thank Black Mage for tipping me off about your arrivals. Thanks for your help."  
Black Mage approaches the mecha and bows on one knee. "It's always a pleasure to contribute to the destruction of all existence."  
"Black Mage, how could you?!" calls out Fighter, not believing that his evil friend would do something like this. "I thought we could trust you!"  
"I knew there was something weird about that freak," says Leon. "Besides the homicidal tendencies, I mean."  
"I _am_ evil! This is what I do!" responds Black Mage.  
"Yes. Excellent work, Black Mage," says The King Mickey. "You're fired!"  
Black Mage is unpleasantly surprised by this. "Bu-bu-but... I did my job perfectly!"  
"Precisely," states The Lord Cutler Beckett.  
"And that's why..." The Sultan says.  
"_We don't need you anymore!!_" the three politicians shout at the same time.  
The King Mickey's mecha rears its foot and kicks Black Mage into the horizon, reducing him to a short-lived star in the sky. The King Mickey turns his attention back to the group. "Now you all have the pleasure of watching me take over the universe! Hope you brought some snacks."  
Maleficent and Pete march defiantly up to the mecha. "Now listen here! I'd sooner jump into a boiling lake before I let some impudent mouse creature thing take over the universe! I was here first! It's _my_ universe to control!"  
"Well," says The Sultan, "if you want to control the universe so badly, why don't you join us?"  
"It'll be a cold day in hell when I join forces with The King Mickey," rebukes Maleficent. "You're not cool, you're not important, and worst of all, you _smell!_"  
"Try beating that insult, The King Mickey!" shouts Pete.  
The King Mickey rubs his hands together. "Oh, don't worry, Pete. I will. Let's get rid of them! Fire the Special Effects Cannon!"  
"As you wish." The Lord Cutler Beckett pushes a button on his control panel, but instead of an impressive cannon emerging to dispose of the imbeciles, the mecha's left hand violently explodes, shaking up The Lord Cutler Beckett's cockpit. "The King Mickey, the machine's left hand has exploded!"  
The King Mickey, though a bit dumbfounded, will not let this setback stop him. "Ooooo-kaaaaay... Then fire the Doomerator Gun!"  
"Aye-aye, sir." The Sultan pushes a button on his control panel, but is met with a similar result: the mecha's right forearm explodes, knocking over The Sultan in his cockpit. "The King Mickey, the machine's right forearm has exploded!"  
Now The King Mickey is getting angry. "Why, why, why?! Does the stereo even work?!" The King Mickey pounds on his control panel once with both fists. A giant stereo emerges from the mecha's back, to The King Mickey's satisfaction. "Now this is more like it."  
The stereo immediately explodes. The rest of the mecha begins to explode and fall apart.  
The Lord Cutler Beckett turns to The King Mickey. "I apologize, The King Mickey, but I've got some... important... amazing things to attend to. Farewell." The Lord Cutler Beckett pulls a lever in his cockpit, activating a spring under his seat that catapults him out of the cockpit and away from the scene.  
The Sultan pulls a similar lever in his own cockpit. "And I just remembered that I'm allergic to dying," he says hastily. "Ta-ta!" The spring under The Sultan's seat launches him away.  
The King Mickey, so sure that he would win, tears apart his sparking control panel as his prized mecha destroys itself. "This can't be!! I paid top dollar for this mecha!! It even looks fancy!! How can it go wrong?!"  
Sora steps forward to deliver the answer. "King Mickey, when it comes to giant robots, looking good is what it's all about. You just lie about the other stuff."  
"And I don't think it helps that you smashed a vial of liquid onto your control panel," adds Cid.  
The said control panel explodes in The King Mickey's face, sending him over the edge. "This is impossible!! I'm _The King Mickey!! **I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST TO THIS SCUUUUUMMM!!!**_"  
The collapsing mecha is lost in a terrible final explosion, launching The King Mickey into the air. He plummets and hits the ground like a rag doll. He groans pathetically as his body steams like an overcooked potato. "Ohhh... my organs... and ribcage..."

The whole group stands stunned by how easily their final adversary was defeated.  
Sora especially doesn't hope that this is actually the end. "Don't tell me that... was the final boss."  
Donald isn't much better. "It can't be! Can it?"  
"But it's just too easy!" cites out Goofy.  
"As unbelievable as it may be," says Buzz, "this may be the first case of a final boss beating himself." He turns to Merlin. "Wouldn't you say?"  
"It would seem so... I can't believe it myself."  
"How disappointing," Leon sighs.  
"Yeah!" agrees Yuffie. "I didn't even get to try out the new awesome-sauce tricks that I learned."  
Sora shrugs, resigning to the outcome. "But I suppose that's that." He turns to Maleficent. "What do you think, Maleficent?"  
"Me and Pete-"  
"Pete and _I_," Goofy corrects.  
Maleficent naturally ignores Goofy. "Me and Pete came here to kill you, so that's what we'll-"  
Before Maleficent can finish, her pocket vibrates and a tinny version of the Stickerbrush Symphony rings from within. Maleficent reaches into the pocket and pulls out a hideous-looking, purple-colored conch shell, which she puts to her ear.  
"Hello? Yes? What?! Demoted?! Yes, I know we've been taking so long to get rid of them, but... oh, all right. We'll be on our way there. You sound thinner. Did you lose weight? Oh, all right. Yes, I know, the scary room. All right. Yes. Goodbye."  
Maleficent smashes the conch shell into the ground, causing it to explode on impact. Apparently, she did not receive very good news. "Mercedes-Benz has demoted us, Pete. They want us back at the headquarters immediately. Come on."  
A dark portal opens up next to Maleficent and Pete, and they make their way down the dark hallway as the portal begins to shrink. Maleficent turns to Pete. "Pete, have I ever mentioned how greatly I loathe you?"  
"I'm your best friend too, Maleficent," Pete responds cheerfully.  
"Stop talking," groans Maleficent.

Just as the dark portal disappears, a battered and bruised The King Mickey emerges from the wreck that was his mecha, coughing and aching everywhere. When he is met with the menacingly staring eyes of the group he just tries to destroy, he chuckles nervously and backs up, hoping he can talk himself out of this one. "My friends... we shouldn't let emotions get the best of us here. Forgiveness might be hard, but it's not impossible, I assure you."  
Yuffie, along with everyone else, is not convinced. "Hmmm, I tend to think otherwise."  
"Me too," agrees Buzz, cracking his plastic knuckles. "Revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet... and I'm _so_ glad that we're not on my planet. What should we do with him?"  
"Well," says Merlin, "according to McGonagle's Guidelines to Blasphemous Witchcraft School, a destroyed world can be restored if the destroyer has the snot beaten out of him, and seeing how The King Mickey technically destroyed all those worlds..."  
Buzz stretches his arm out welcomingly. "Shall we proceed, my cold-hearted friends?"  
Everyone in the group grins at the prospect of what is about to happen and ready their weapons. Scrooge, overjoyed, leaps forward to deliver his opinion on the matter.  
"_God bless us, everyone!_"  
For the first time in the entire journey, Sora, along with everyone else, can 100% say that Scrooge has the right idea. "I couldn't have said it myself, Scrooge! _Let's get him!!_"  
The Gaang and Merlin's Cult charge towards The King Mickey, prepared to give him the beating of a lifetime. The King Mickey can only look on hopelessly brace himself for his impending pain.  
"Oh, fuck..."

The following lynching was too gruesome to describe here.


	17. Epilogue

~~~**DESTINY ISLANDS**~~~  
On the Destiny Islands, Riku wastes the hours staring at the side of a wooden shack on the island. Soon enough, Kairi arrives to join him.  
"Riku! What unbridled wackiness... is going on... over here?"  
Riku does not even take the time to face Kairi. "Oh. Kairi. You startled me. I was just counting the lines on this side of the shack. I'm up to nine-thousand and forty-eight."  
Kairi scratches her head unenthusiastically. "Nine-thousand and forty-eight. That's over... nine-hundred."  
"Yep. I remember learning that in scho-"  
A pillar of flames suddenly bursts behind the pair. Sora leaps out of the pillar and lands headfirst into the sand.  
"Kairi, my neck's too stiff to turn my head," says Riku. "Go see what that ruckus was for me."  
"Oh, that wasn't a ruckus," answers Kairi. "That was just the sound of Sora burying his head into the sand. Again."  
"Well, get him out and have him give me a neck massage, quick!"  
"But why can't you have me do it?" wonders Kairi.  
"It's more satisfying when Sora does it."  
"Y'know, it's stuff like that that makes me question your sexuality."  
Riku once more becomes defensive. "That's ridiculous! I like girls! Girls are my life! Girls are my dreams! Can't live without-"  
Sora shouts something unintelligible, muffled by the sand. Kairi jogs towards Sora. "I'm coming, Sora!"  
Kairi grabs Sora's legs and pulls him out. Sora opens his mouth to let the sand out.  
"Sora, where were you?" asks Kairi. "You've been gone for sixteen chapters, and we were starting to ge worried."  
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, Kairi," claims Sora, "but I'll tell you anyway. The King Mickey invited us for dinner, but it turned out that the dinner was poisoned and the antidote was in one of the keyholes of the Disneyverse, so we went around unlocking them. But it turned out that The King Mickey had the antidote all along and that we weren't actually poisoned, so we beat the everloving crap out of him."  
"I don't believe you," Kairi frankly replies.  
"I knew you'd understand. Now, whaddya say we set up a cliffhanger for _Kingdom Hearts IV_?"  
"Oh, that won't be necessary," says Riku. "Y'see, this isn't the real _Kingdom Hearts III_. It's just some fanfiction written by a socially inept cog who lives with his mom, which will be rendered non-canon once the real _Kingdom Hearts III_ comes out."  
Sora tries to cover his rashness. "Oh. Uh... I knew that. I was just testing you, and you passed."  
"So wait," says Kairi. "Are you saying that none of what Sora did will matter in just a few years?"  
"Pretty much," answers Riku.  
Sora slumps over in disappointment. "Aww, man. You guys ruin all the fun."  
Riku cracks his knuckles in pride. "It's a talent."

~~~**DISNEY CASTLE**~~~  
In the throne room of Disney Castle, The Queen Minnie sits in The King Mickey's chair, having taken over in his absence. Donald and Goofy stand erect in front of her.  
"Dearest Donald and Goofy," says The Queen Minnie, "I'm so pleased with your splendid behaviors during the frustrating rule of my megalomaniacal husband that I'm giving you both a promotion to Royal Scrub Monkeys, _Second_ Class."  
Donald and Goofy whoop and cheer at this announcement and do silly dances in celebration. They stop immediately ten seconds into that, returning to their straight postures as The Queen Minnie continues.  
"I do find it quite puzzling how The King Mickey could get himself so brutally injured like that. He would never let anything like that happen to him."  
"Gee, The Queen Minnie," says Goofy, feigning obliviousness. "I can't really tell you how it happened since I wasn't there." He shrugs. "I guess we'll never know for sure."  
Donald rubs his hands together ominously. "Yes... the world will _never_ know for sure..."

In The King Mickey's bedroom, The King Mickey is stuck in his bed in a full body cast. Only his eyes, ears and mouth are uncovered. Yen Sid is on The King Mickey's TV screen, stone-faced as ever. "Well, Mickey. It appears that your plan didn't quite go as you intended."  
The King Mickey gives a pained, wheezing cough. "What was your first clue?"  
Yen Sid grins. "However, you have been shown to possess a needlessly-detailed giant mecha thing, and those are cool in my book. You have proven your coolness to your old master, and for that, I grant you your TV back."  
The King Mickey hops with joy inside his cast. "Oh, boy! Let's get my TV fixed so that I can laugh at dinosaur tranquilizer-fueled ranting and raving!"  
Yen Sid's head disappears from the TV. The TV explodes into static and feedback until eventually, an eyecatch featuring a kitchen sponge in drag appears on the screen.  
"_We now return to our daily 18-hour-long Spongebob marathon, already in progress._"  
The King Mickey turns to his sidetable and sees the remote control, just centimeters out of his reach. "Oh no... no, no, no! I can't change the channel! Yen Sid, you tricked me!! Now I'm stuck with this effeminate sponge _FOREVER!!!_ Well, actually, until my broken bones and organs heal. But still, _NOOOOO_OOOOOooooooooo!!!"  
The King Mickey sobs to himself in despair as Yen Sid's evil laughter echoes through the air. Yen Sid's laughter is soon cut short by a phlegmy hack.

~~~**SOME PEACEFUL NEIGHBORHOOD**~~~  
A sand-colored van rides through the town, accompanied by a warbly jingle. The van is driven by Maleficent, with Pete sitting in the passenger's seat. Maleficent is rather pouty at the moment. "This is degrading. Are whole army is gone, and now Mercedes-Benz has demoted us to selling these putrid..." Maleficent pulls out a car-shaped blob on a stick as demonstration. "...gummi Jello pudding pops, _shaped like Mercedes-Benzes!!_ Just looking at them makes my stomach make... little... sicky noises." Maleficent cringes violently at the sight.  
Pete puts a hand on Maleficent's shoulder, hoping to be of some comfort. "Oh, don't worry, Maleficent. It won't be so bad once you get the hang of it. Besides, I know what'll make you feel better: lemonade!"  
"Good call, Pete." Maleficent swerves the van onto the sidewalk, where the van strikes a lemonade stand run by a little blonde girl with pigtails. Pieces of plywood shower the van as it crushes the lemonade girl under its tires, making truly sickening cracking noises as the girl's bones are broken under the pressure.  
Pete, now traumatized for life, blubbers uncontrollably. "How could you do that?! I only wanted some melonade! Is that so wrong?!"  
"Oh, stop your whining," says Maleficent unsympathetically. "You can have your insolent lemonade some other time. I just needed to relieve my stress in a reasonably violent matter, that's all."  
"Yeah, but..."  
"No buts, though I could go for kicking yours. We have filthy pudding pops to sell."  
"And a broken heart to mend," Pete adds sadly.  
"Silence!"  
"Ohhh..."

~~~**AN ISOLATED, HUGE MANSION**~~~  
In an overbearing mansion on top of a snowy mountain, Scrooge Mcduck, looking uncharacteristically evil, sits in front of a humongous computer screen in dark contemplation. Numerous images flash on the screen before him, including a rabbit in dentist attire riding a hot air balloon, a weather forecaster predicting a sunny day with a chance of black hole, a man in a wrestling ring beating up a blow-up dinosaur, and an Inuit teenager doing the Worm in a desert.  
"Foolish warriors of light," Scrooge says ominously. "They all think they're so superior, with their dashing good looks and their techno-gizmos at hand. They would never suspect that an old oaf such as me would have the mental capacity to infiltrate their little posse and observe their every strength and weakness. Well, I suppose the news of that little popsicle stick incident helped a lot, but that has done little to damage my ability to fend for myself."  
Scrooge stands from his chair and walks towards a large window. He flings the window open, letting in all the cold air. The computer is quick to cite out this fact in a monotonically agonized voice.  
"_The air. It burns me. Make it stop._"  
Scrooge pays no heed to this and continues. "Now it's time for my to live up to my family name, and wipe out this plague of unrich do-gooders who spoil my quest for wealth! I must moon the partridges and stain the oil companies, and I will... will..."  
Scrooge begins to chuckle, which descends into a goofy, loud laughter as he starts running laps around the room. He's back to his old self.  
"Okay, Luke! I'm starting my funny newspapers! Little boy oxens come on over! _Wheeeee!!_"  
Scrooge dashes towards the window and dives right through it, leaving the mansion room increasingly cold and desolate. A few moments pass before the computer turns off its screen and the room's lights.  
"_And that concludes tonight's broadcast. Goodnight. Goodbye._"  
The sound of static now emanates from the computer. To this day, the computer awaits for the return of its master.

~~~**YUFFIE'S PLACE**~~~  
Yuffie, back in her apartment, lies on her couch and watches TV, surrounded by empty potato chip bags, beer cans, KFC buckets, ice cream boxes and all other kinds of dangerous crap. The men on TV share a rousing conversation over the water cooler.  
"_So then I said 'Hey, dude. It's not like the sky is falling.'_"  
The people on the TV burst out in laughter, only to be interrupted by the unmistakable sound of the clouds in the sky raining down upon the city, creating chaos and destroying everything.  
"_Oh, good lord!! The sky is falling!! That's not supposed to be scientifically possible!_"  
"_It is now, bitch!_" Roland Emmerich's voice says off-screen.  
Yuffie digs into the fortress of filth that surrounds her. "Alright, glowing box. Can it about global warming already." She takes out a highball glass from the crap pile and chucks it at the TV screen. The highball glass is shattered, but the TV screen isn't. This doesn't stop Yuffie from sitting up and victoriously raising her arms in the air. "Yeah, bonus points!!"  
Yuffie sinks back into her couch and emits a single hiccup as the TV continues to do its work.  
"_They got the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building! Why does that always happen?!_"  
The doorbell rings. "It's the pizza man."  
Yuffie looks at the door groggily. "Pizza man?"  
"Yes. I'm the pizza man. I have a pizza. It's here... in this box."  
Yuffie somehow slides up and over the armrest of her couch and towards the door. Yuffie grabs the doorknob and swings the door open whilst lying on the ground. The man behind the door continues. "And I'm just going to stand here until you- oh, okay."  
Yuffie looks up to find that the "pizza man" is in fact Buzz Lightyear, with the promised pizza nowhere in sight.  
"You... you said you were the pizza man," says Yuffie.  
"I lied," says Buzz. "I was only pretending."  
"Why'd you do that?"  
"I need a place to crash," Buzz answers. "After that little escapade I had with Sora and team, I was going to go home, but then I remembered that I don't have a home. Can I stay with you?"  
"Uh... sure..."  
Buzz walks over to Yuffie's couch and takes a seat in the middle of it. Yuffie gets up off the floor and stumbles towards the couch. She lazily throws herself onto the armrest, burying her face next to Buzz as he presses the info button on Yuffie's remote. "Ah. _The Yesterday Before Tomorrow_, directed by Roland Emmerich. The science is lousy, but the pretty CGI makes up for it. I give it one thumb up. Oh! This is the part where Mount Everest gets blown up!"  
Buzz gazes in awe as Mount Everest erupts, freezes, and gets struck by lightning, causing the mountain to explode in a glorious fashion. "Great sound effects!"  
Yuffie says something, but due to her face being buried into the couch, her speech is muffled. Buzz cleans his ear. "I'm sorry, but I can't quite make that out."  
Yuffie pulls her face out of the couch. "I said how long do you plan on staying?"  
Buzz shrugs. "Oh, I dunno. Since it turns out I don't have a stomach, food won't be a problem for you. As a matter of fact, since I'm for some reason made out of plastic and therefore have no organic parts, I won't even need to sleep, so I have the capacity to stay here forever."  
"The gift of life is wasted on you," moans Yuffie.  
"I get that a lot," says Buzz.

The scientist on TV stands before a podium to make a historic announcement. "_Hey, folks. I've got some good news and some bad news. Recent studies have shown that the onslaught of ridiculously epic natural disasters have destroyed 99% of our world's landmarks, making life unsustainable and unexciting on Earth._"  
The crowd whines disappointedly at these less-than-pleasant news.  
However, he scientist's demeanor instantly brightens. "_But now we've got a chance to try out that new space-cruise ship that I built last Tuesday! Non-stop entertainment, fine dining, and hoverchairs! We won't even need to walk, because we'll be in space!_"  
A man in the crowd pumps his fist righteously. "_Yeah! Walking's for chumps!_"  
The crowd cheers and charges towards a gigantic cruise ship with rocket propulsion systems on the back.  
A child in the crowd tosses his teddy bear into the air with glee. "_It's over!!_"


End file.
